Remember how un-epic the battle was in Return of The King, and how it never seemed to end, cause it had 32012391929 endings? Well, I can’t reference any Thighs Wide review of such, cause that movie pre-dates this site!!! Butt bad tasting movie memories live on, but all is forgiven with Hobbit 3!!!
Hobbit 1 was dang good, but Hobbit 2 was 1/2 meh and 1/2 YEAH, but over time, I’ve felt more MEH on the yeah, so it was more like 2/3rds MEH and 1/3 yeah. Well, Hobbit 3 was 90000% YEAH!!!!
Hobbit 3 wastes no time – it starts with a fire-breathing BANG, and then juss keeps getting better and butter with each sword clash, and arrow being flung. Flung = fun. Swords = (s)WORD BOOTY!!!!
So how does this ending work better than LOTR: ROTK‘s ending?
– there’s an actual battle, and it’s not easily ended by ghost warriors
– these are the only movies where Orlando Bloom is the fcuking MAN (by being an elf)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
– there’s like a scene with Gandalf, Cate Blanchett, Hugo Weaving, and Christopher Lee (HE LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) where they battle evil incarnate AND IT REMINDS YOU HOW AMAZINGS LOTR was AND how amazings the movie you watching IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
– the movie ends and bookends bookbeginnings perfectly with LOTR. if you have kids – you can now start with the Hobbits and then jump right into the LOTRs. Peter Jackson did it. George Lucas didn’t – cause you should never show your kids the Star Wars prequels
– praise jeebus Guillermo del Taco didn’t direct these movies. It would have sucked
Verdictgo: Breast In Show
Hobbit 3 rings in the end of the year at a theater near jews
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we love us some Patrick Stewart as Professor X and Ian McKellen as Magneto, and sure, sure, sure, we’re VERY happy to have them back – but they’re barely in or register in Bryan Singer‘s third directorial turn in the X-Men franchise – Days of Future Past. How is that possible? Cause the new guys playing the old guys – James McAvoy & Michael Fassbender – are so X-cellent that we don’t even really need the old dudes anymore. OK, OK, so there’s a lot of appeal to having all involved – like in that Star Trek Generations type way – but really, who needs it. First Class was… first class. New school rules. New school should stay in session. But didn’t you juss forget about Hugh Jackman as Wolverine? Ooops, I did. And while Pat Stew and Ian McK were unnecessary, Hugh Jax was totally necessary! CAUSE WE GOT TO SEE HIS BUTT!!! But why do these new movies work so well, and sorta make us forget about the old movies? Cause they don’t take place in the boring present. Part of it takes places in a weird future, but most of it takes place in the awesome past – and this time – it’s the Tricky Dicky 70s!
OMG, The Hobbit is back, yo!! And this time we aint letting our eyes watch none of that 48888 frames per second junk. And we didn’t! 24fps baby, all the way! Cause that’s what movies are suppose to look like! And glad we stuck to them guns for Peter Jackson‘s 5th dip into Tolkienland, cause this looked like a movie and not a video game!
OK, so what of the actual movie? It’s first 1/2 was FCUKING awesome!!!! Our heroes were like running thru fields and mountains and forests and fighting things big and small and gross and scary – you know, yer typical LOTR stuff. But then the short dudes (Martin Freeman, Richard Armitage and all those stoopid lookin dwarves) needed help, but don’t ask for it, but it comes anyway in the form of super-skinny-hot elves!! There’s good ole Legolas (Orlando Bloom, back in blonde, in the only role he excels in, instead of how he is in any non-elf movie where he ex-sucks in) and this female elf who didn’t event exist in Tolkien’s realm, but Peter Jackso oh so wanted to have a token Tolkien female character, so they basically made a female Legolas, but with red hair!!! She’s played by Evangeline Lilly, and within 2 minutes of screen time, she makes you go, Liv Tyler as Arwen who??? IT’S TRUE CAUSE SHE’S SO COOL!! But then the elves are like not helping the dwarves by jailing them, but then with MAGIC, they aint jailed, and then our heroes are in barrels, going down a rapid-crazed river (watch this bit of making of!), and trying to barrel-away from ugly orcs!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH YEAH!!!! THERE’S SO MUCH ACTION AND THIS IS ALL SO MUCH FCUKING FUN!!!
But of course the fun never lasts, and the rest of the movie is far from a blast. We inch toward Smaug and his dragon’s lair, and even if he’s voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch, it can’t change the fact that the rest of the journey to him is such a slog. The river ride ends and then our little friends still have miles/kilometers to go, but first they must take a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng diversion in some lake port city where Stephen Fry is kinda awesome perfect as the lake port city’s master, and this dude with teef is his annoying helper, and theys trying not to get spied on by Stephen Colbert, and like try to get this human – Bard the Bowman (Luke Evans) – to help them, but zzzzzzzzzzzz, and things and stuffzzzzzz. Alas, they finally get going and go to the mountain where the dragon and Uncle Scrooge’s gold is be, and get some gem the dwarves need is be. Fire from dragon goes whooooooooosh, and then the little dudes run around. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. WE SO CLOSE, but – CUT TO BLACK. Movie ends with the least cliffy-cliff-hanger steak ever cooked. Zzzzzzzzz. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BARRELS OF AWESOMES????
>Whatevs, we’re totally in for #3, but #2 was totally 1/2 meh and 1/2 YEAH. It needed more Ian McKellen being an old beardo, and Lee Pace looking hot in with his treebranch crown, and stuff, AND BARREL RIDES!!!! But I can’t really complain too much. This is the 5th Peter Jax JRRRRRR Tolkien joint, and it far from sucks. CAN GEORGE LUCAS SAY THAT ABOUT HIS STAR WARSESESES?? NO HE CAN’T CAUSE HIS NECK IS TOO FAT FOR HIS THROAT TO LET HIS MOUTH SPEAK WORDS THAT NO ONE CARES TO HEAR!!
Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers
Smaug is making a hobbi-ton o’ money at a theater near jews
Who was the least cool & fun & awesome & interesting dude in that fellowship of them rings? Easy answer – Gimli. Nothing against Gimili, but dwarfs juss can’t compete with rugged & handsome Viggo, cutie shield surfing Orlando Bloom (who hasn’t gone on to do anything after LOTR), not so boring Boromir or those four Hobbits who are so fun that they may have actually invented fun. So yeah, dwarfs are pretty much the bottom würst of Middle Earth. Well, JRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien’s first book had one Hobbit and one Ian McKellen, and nothing else but dwarfs – 13 of them. How exciting is 1 dwarf? Not as less exciting as 13 of them. Basically what wees sayings is – is it worth it to go there and back, again, from the Shire to everywhere else but the Shire, and with tons of dwarfs??? We were all burned by George Lucas and his prequels, and The Hobbit is basically barking up similar trees ents
Well, guess what, THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY DOES EGGZACTLY WHAT IT NEEDS TO!!!!!!!!!!! While the story & stakes may not be as epic and sizzling as the stuffs going on in LOTR, the book is what it is (we actually read it!!!) and Peter Jackson executed it to the eggsalad cinematic level that you would expect him to delivery it to. What he did was be like, hey, you loved LOTR so much, so why don’t we juss make The Hobbit the same way and stuff, but use much more awesome effects and more awesomer capture motion Gollum than you saw before (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) + throw in stuff that wasn’t even in the book cause you people deserve to see Saruman’s beard and Cate Blanchett speak elvish. WE DO! WE DO!!!!!
And after about 55issssssh beginning minutes of meeting the 13 dwarfs and rolling one’s eyes and being like, damn, these dwarfs are so un-cool, something totally UNEXPECTED happens – you start loving these dwarfs, cause they is actually juss as cool and as funny and interesting and things as Viggo and Bloom and those Hobbits and Borosmear and his brother Unfairasmear!!!!! GO DWARVFES!!!!!!!!!!!! And Richard Armitage as main dwarf Thorin is almos as rugged & handsome as Viggo is!!!!!! IT’S KINDA SORTA REALLY ALMOST TRUE!!! We’d do em both with yours AND ours (we’d also do Aidan Turner, who’s like a dwarfier Ian Somerhalder)!! + Martin Freeman is a beyond perfect Bilbo. He pretty much acts the same as he did as Tim on the original gangster Office, always has, always will, and guess what, that’s juss fine cause Martin Freeman IS THE FCUKING MAN!!!!!!!!! Oh, did we mention that Ian McKellen is reprising his role as Gandalf? Dude, we’d all camp out to watch a trilogy of McKellen as Gandalf taking a dump. Don’t say you wouldn’t cause you would, you sick wizard pooping watching loving fcuker!!!
But isn’t this movie ass long? People who worry about long ass runtimes should not go see movies. You should stick yer iPad up yer a$$ and set the alarm to go off in 3 minutes or whatever your attention span is. Honestly, we knew it was gonna be looong, but we wish it were longer!!!! If you can sit thru 38938883283 hours of Lame of Thrones then you can sit thru almost 3 hours of The Hobbit, cause The Hobbit is 8w82181098213482ehjdb2rgh48dcb4bnnj44838f838f848484848`4h`4ufhnn3e248248248n2dn times better than Lame of Thrizz
And why did they turn this into 3 movies when I’m sure 2 would have been fine? Oh, I’m sorry, do you want to anticipate shitty movies for the next 3 winters or do you want 3 FCUKING HOBBIT MOVIES FOR THE NEXT THREE WINTERS!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????????????
Now what’s this stuff about 48 frames per second junk? It’s like a normal movie but twice as much stuff in the same amount of seconds! What does that mean, MORE STUFF!!!! Well, what did it look like? It makes everything look really clear (although any bits with motion looked like it was being fast-forwarded on your DVR. it was strange, but maybe things are suppose to be fast and strange in the future of cinema). Oh, so it doesn’t look like a normal movie? Not one you’ve seen before, and since yer eyes and brain aren’t used to it, you might not like it at first, but over 169 minutes you ease into it (like you do with loving dwarfs!!) and the clarity becomes a welcome thing, considering there are so many other 3D and CGI heavy films that are so unclear looking. Ever see Transformers? Sh!t looks so blurry and muddled that our eyes and brain have quit on ever seeing any Transformers movie ever again. + you don’t wanna trust Peter Jackson? OK, maybe you don’t after he post-LOTRed us with the who cares King Kong and the what was that unlovely Lovely Bones, BUT, when it comes to JRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien, in Jackson we trust AND thrust. Spank the lord Guillermo del Taco didn’t direct this cause it woulda been filled with Spanish nymphs with dumb sh!t like hands with eyes and stuff
The LEGO® Batman Movie Boy Wonder Boys Official Site | Trailer & Mo PG | 104 min Like me, you’re human. Like me, you LOVED The LEGO® Movie!!! Everything about it was awesome, especially the Batman parts, and so when they decided to make a LEGO® Batman Movie, of course you and I had to see it, […]
I Am Not Your Negro Race Yourselves Official Site | Trailer & Mo PG-13 | 95 min The most important movie of 2016 (which is now getting a full release in 2017, so I guess that makes it the most important movie of 2017) is Raoul Peck‘s I Am Not Your Negro YESS!!! It’s true!!!! One can never […]
The Founder The Big Mac Daddy Official Site | Trailer & Mo PG-13 | 115 min As a kid my love for McDonald’s was beyond super-sized. As an adult, I haven’t abandoned the golden arches, but I certainly don’t eat there as much as I did as an ultra-happy Happy Meal youngin Anywho, I always remembered seeing this plaque in our […]
Hidden Figures Space Race-ist Official Site | Trailer & Mo PG | 127 min I am all for movies about equal rights, the space race, the American spirit, conquering adversity and unheard true stories that must be told. Hidden Figures needs to exist. It’s a PG movie that anyone and everyone can and should see. You + […]
Jackie To Live and Die With Dignity Official Site | Trailer & Mo R | 100 min I’ve missed Natalie Portman, and I feel like she hasn’t really done anything post-Black Swan, which somehow was 6/7 years ago. Yes, I know she was in Thor and in that dumb Ashcan Kruncher flick, and other stuff, but those were juss […]
Lee Horsley as/in Matt Houston, alongside Barbara Edwards, Mary Lynne Gehr, Marianne Gravatte, Veronica Gamba, Heidi Sorenson, Trisha Long, Dona Speir, and Kymberly Herrin (one of the ZZ Top legs ladies!!!) in the episode ‘The Bikini Murders‘, which aired on February 3, 1984 I NEED THIS TO RE-AIR NOW!!!
we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2016 and now, for the only awards that matter… Thirstweenth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards aka THE THIGHSMANS!!! _ Crap To The Future Award For Würstest Acting of The Year Award!!! Nick Kroll in Loving he somehow molded his character and acting style based on the ‘I think he […]
I’m never getting around to seeing Fences or Lion, so here’s… Dwelve Into These Twelve of 2016 1) Tower A real life tragic event gets Waking Lifed, and it’s not only scary and horrific, but hopeful AND inspiring! – 2) I Am Not Your Negro What it’s like to be an African-American in America (when you’re […]
I bought more CDs this year than I probably have in an entire decade! it’s TRUE!!!! I WILL NOT LET PHYSICAL MEDIA DIE!!! here’s what I listened to in 2016!! all certified thightastic! – you know my theory – see your favorite musicians in concert before you or they die… Live By Night! Raul Malo […]
you know the drill – 2016 was all Tronald Dump, and Gigi Hadon’t and bunch of other garbage szauce, but 2017 is gonna be different, and amazing, and awesome szauce. There may be some KKK, but don’t worry, everything will be A-OKKKK. How do we know? We juss do. Anywho, The Washington Post does a list thing, and […]
oh man, that TV stuff in 2016!!! 1. The People vs OJ Simpson (FX) left a PERManent 90s stain on my psyche (please note – I didn’t get a chance to watch the ESPN doc series on OJ yet): – 2. The Americans (FX) poor poor Martha Hanson – 3. Baskets (FX) Louie Anderson – BIGGEST comeback of the 21st Century!!! […]