Tag Archives: Jessica Chastain

Totally Recalled

The Martian
Better Off Red (Planet)
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 142 min

the martiasn

There’s juss something about Matt Damon.  Who doesn’t love Matt Damon?  Well, if Matt Damon gets stranded on Mars, you root for Matt Damon to do whatever he needs to do to survive and get off Mars.  That’s what happens in Ridley Scott‘s movie version of Andy Weir‘s 2011 novel of the same name.  Humanity gets a little screentime to root on Matt Damon, but for the most part, we’re stuck with the rooting from the people who got him stuck there in the first place  – his fellow astronauts who thought he was dead and left him there for dead, the NASsholes of NASA back on Earth looking to solve this PR nightmare as soon as possible, and the engineers who are trying to actually solve the actual problem, actually.  If any of these non-Matt Damon people in the movie were the ones stranded on Mars, we’d probably be rooting for them to have their faces explode (Jeff Daniels being my leading candidate)

This movie is great.  Not Ridley Scott Prometheus great, but it’s close!  It’s like it, but there are no aliens.  People love aliens, cause they scare us.  Martian didn’t need aliens, but it wouldn’t have hurt to have them.  Martian was > than Interstellar, which was awesome itself, but suffered from a lame ending, and Martian feels more real and realistic than that other movie with a stranded Damon, and Jessica Chastain in it.  Martian was also ten zillion times better than Gravity, but mainly cause I wanted Sandra Bullock AND George Clooney to be lost in space 9ever and I didn’t get my wish

So how you like them Martians, eh??  Very much so, thank you!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Martian is currently orbiting at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


Who Wore It Breast?

1/8th Visible Boobs are the new side boobs

if you watched the 2013 Golden Snoozes, you already know this.  so, who’s boobs from the globes were 1/8th visible boobs the bestest – aka – Who Wore It Breast?

Jessica Chastain?


Kate Hudson?

gg kate hudson

Eva Longoria?


Katharine McPhee?


Claire Danes?


Amy Poehler?



1/8th Visible Boobs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Breaking Abbottabad

Zero Dark Thirty
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 157 min


Dude, do you remember how intense and thrilling and awesome Kathryn Bigelow & Mark Boal‘s Hurt Locker is was????  Well guess what, Biges and Boals did one better on collab numero 2, basically telling Homeland and Argo to argofuckthemselves.  Zero Dark Thirty is like watching one of those Bourne movies, cept what’s going on REALLY HAPPENED and what we’re being shown seems really really fcuking real.  FO REALS!!! not faux reels!!!

So what is Zero Dark Thirty?  It’s 2 minus 2, the opposite of day + 30.  BAM!  C’mon, you know what this is about – it’s a summarization of failing for ages to find Osama bin Laden, and then maybe finding him, and then deciding whether that maybe is close enuff to a certainty as humanly possible, before pulling the final trigger… on pulling the trigger on OBL.  It’s frustrating, and more frustrating, and even more frustrating, but then it gets exciting and even more exciting, and even more more exciting, and then we’re back in the Bigelow-Boal thrill ride where yer heart’s a pounding and yer palms are a sweating, even though you know that OBL aint living past the end credits.  SPOILER ALERT – OBL dies.  But how did we get to that point?  THAT’S WHAT THIS MOVIE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And it’s incredible!!!!!!!!!!!!

So when Bigs was making this movie, she was probably like, I want to have someone awesome like Jodie Foster to play my Clarice Starling darling character, so she got herself Jessica Chastain.  PERFECT!  Then she was like, we need a bunch of random actors that are good, but not huge names, to help Chasty out, and she was like welcome aboard Kyle ChandlerJennifer EhleHarold PerrineauJeremy Strong, Mark StrongMark Duplass & [my boyÉdgar Ramírez.  Then she was like, I need a beardy guy that’s super good at yelling and torture and then they got Jason Clarke and he did that.  Then she was like, I need two beardos to play beardo Navy Seals, so she got that guy from Parks & Rec who’s character isn’t as funny as everyone thinks it is and fake Owen Lars from the BS Star Wars poo-quels.  But guess what, the casting didn’t end there.  She was like, oh, I need some fat guy that could pass for Leon Panetta, and so BAM, put on some 80s Japanese bidness-man eyeglasses James Gandolfini!  And she threw in Stephen Dillane for good measure.  That’s eggzatcly how the casting was done, as told to me by a magic elf fairy from Rivendale

What more do you need to know?  GO AMERICA!  NEVER QUIT!  Always keep your eye on the ball.  Kick a guy in the balls, but only IF it will lead to info that will get us to Osama bin Laden.  And if we get that info, lets lose it for like 7 years, but since we don’t give up, we find it again and follow up and finally hang our ‘mission accomplished’ banners.  Way to go us/US.  Red, White & BEST!!!!

Spank dog Morgan Spurlock never found OBL, cause otherwise this movie wouldn’t eggsist

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Zero Hot TensJessica Collins is in the movie for all of 8 seconds, but she hypnothighsed me with her eyes

and then I remembered where she had done it before – the sorta-brilliant but cancelled Rubicon

Zero Dark Thirty sees the light in NY & LA on Wednesday and elsewhere on January 11

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


Bring Your Work To
Your Daughter Day

Texas Killing Fields
Womann Can Do Whatever Mann Can Do
Official WebsiteTrailers & Mo
R | 105 min

The air is mighty thick and the accents, not so much (Sam Worthington, who should be banned from any kind of American accent), in Michael Mann’s daughter’s directorial feature film debut Texas Killing Fields.  Ami Canaan Mann can surely strike a hazy moody cinematic atmosphere just like her papa, and while the story presented might not eggzactly be Killing it, Texas has some don’t mess with it qualities to make it a pretty good first try for you to Field [look at that, we sorta used all three words from the title to describe it!!! sorta!!!]

Sure, nepotism in Hollywood sucks (Colin Hanks), but it’s excusable if there’s talent to back it up (not Colin Hanks).  Jennifer Lynch may be not David, but if her 2008 creepy fun Surveillance is any indication of what a director’s daughter can direct, we hope more of these daughters of directors start directing, even if it’s not AS hammazing as what their daddies can do!!!  Like… Ami Canaan Mann, who shows enuff something here to make her daddy proud, and to make us hope for even more of a something more in the future!

So what is it all about?  Inspired by true events (who knows how loosely though), there’s some shady murders going round in Texas City, with bodies popping up in… THE KILLING FIELDS!!!  Cept instead of Sam Waterston and Haing S Ngor doing stuff, we get Worthington and Jeffrey Dean Morgan (this guy should be working a lot more than he does) growling around town, looking to catch the killer(s).  Alongish for the ride are underused Jessica Chastain, and Chloë Moretz, who at first doesn’t seem to have a reason to be in the movie, until she has a reason to, which we guess is reason enuff.  Throw in some Sheryl Lee and Stephen Graham scenery chewing, and that’s that, which is what it is, which is fine enuff, and stuff (read: a good rental)

Oh, there’s one other thing, Danny Boyle loved the script but passed on directing it cause the material was too dark.  We thought it could’ve been darker!!  Wonder what Danny boy woulda had done with it.  Perhaps Jai Ho-it up a bit, no?

Toasting Toast: Texas Toast is the mostest!  so how’d it come about?  the most likely mother of invention story is…

The Pig Stand‘s Royce Hailey initiated the most famous invention: Texas Toast. When he had asked Rainbow Bakery to slice his loaves of bread thicker, slabs of bread appeared that were too thick to fit in the toaster. One of the cooks suggested that they butter them and toast them on both sides. What a hit with the customers! Unfortunately, Hailey failed to patent this invention which had its birthplace at the Pig Stand on Calder, Circa 1941 [via]

Bless this man, and the Pig Stand, who apparently pioneered  drive-thru windows in 1931, fluorescent lighting in 1939, as well as the first eatery to serve fried onion rings!!!

VerdictgoJeepers Worth A Peepers

Fields fills NY & LA theaters today, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


Mossad Sacks

The Debt
Paid In Mostly Half-Full
Official WebsiteTrailers & Mo
R | 114 min

If Ciarán Hinds is in a movie, we will want to see it, and odds are that the movie will be at least decent.  So what if a movie barely has Hinds in it?  Decency is still possible, and John Madden‘s The Debt, a remake of (what we are assuming is a far superior) 2007 Israeli film, is pretty darn decent stuff.  A little poor in execution-ville, and plenty poor in climax-land, The Debt still had enough going for it to cash in its IOU.  It’s kinda like a ghetto Munich meets The Boys From Brazil.  And even ghettoizations of those revenge on Jewish boogeymen flicks is still something of interest, cause who doesn’t love watching Jewish enemies get their due????  (hactually, we wondered if Hollywood would EVER make a film where Muslims hunted down their enemies who have wronged them.  the conclusion we came to is probably never)

And if hunting Nazis in a non-over-the-top Tarantino kinda way isn’t your cup of tea, well, you can at least revel in the unexpected hilarity of Sam Worthington ‘trying’ on an Israeli accent for size.  Eeeesh!!  The guy’s got a face for cinema and a mouth for duct tape.  Man oh man!  At least they surrounded him with some class act(or)s like (underrated) Marton Csokas and (I’ve been everywhere this summer) Jessica Chastain.  In modern day times, Hinds is Worthington (even though he looks more like Csokas), Tom Wilkinson is Csokas, and Helen Mirren is Chastain in the membrane

So the modern stuff is where we begin.  The trio are far removed from their Mossad agent days and each other, cause they’re harboring some kinda secret.  But when we get shuttled to the past, which is the juicy bulk of the film, when the 2 dudes and redheaded hottie hunt down and capture a Josef Mengele-type jackass (Jesper Christensen).  Things don’t go right, but maybe they do, but not really, cause there’s a DEBT that has to be paid or like finished or something, which leads to the ending that has promise and kinda comes up empty, but it’s kinda satisfying, enough, sorta

Hey, did we mention that Ciarán Hinds is in it???

Hinds Wins: oh, you know nothing of Hinds and want to play ketchup?  See him in Rome, MunichVeronica Guerin, Life During War Time AND mos def The Eclipse

Verdictgo: a mild Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Debt is cash sorta money, but not really, but kinda, today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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