The Amazing Spider-Man
Re-Turn Off The Dark
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 136 min

No single person was like, WE NEED MORE SPIDER-MAN MOVIES, AND DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO GIVE US NEW ONES, LIKE, NOW, and like get rid of the original director, cast, pie eating so goodness, and start over with lesser talents, and literally start over with a movie that tackles Spider-Man’s origin story, again.  Granite, the Sam Raimmii version lost steam by the time it came and went to #3, so we can see why a re-boot was re-booted, but did it need to be re-booted so soon? RE-BOOOOOT??!??!?!

If you can somehow forget all about Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker, you will remember Andrew Garfield as the same dude, doing pretty much the same things. And while Marc Webb‘s take on the Spidey world certainly doesn’t weave new and unique webs, it certainly takes viewers back to the excitement and fun that was felt after seeing Tobey-Spidey #1.  Yep, this Spidey is the best Spidey since Spidey movie #1, cause we don’t remember anything about Spidey #2 & #3, cept the pie eating so goodness

OK, ok, ok, so Spidey 4’s villain (Rhys Ifans as a one-armed professor turned annoying lizard with Rhys Ifans’ voice) feels stoopid, looks stoopid, and is stoopid, but WHO CARES (we’ll, we did care a little, cause we kinda hated any scene involving the lizard)!!!!  Cause Andrew Garfield has more fun being Peter Parker than Tobey’s dead-eyed stare did, and we had more fun watching him as him than him as him!!  It’s ture!!!  And there’s no first dance for Mary Jane Watson here, juss plenty of hot exposed knee action from Emma Stone as Peter’s 1st love Gwen Stacy, and although she doesn’t have that much to do, but be hot and be related to Denis Leary, and be really hot, and like be SUPER HOT, but who cares, cause she’s so hotttttttt and we’d take her over Dunst anywaysdays.  The only knock on her performance was that she didn’t have a 90 minute shower scene.  Basterds!!!!  HOLLYWÃœRST, WHY DO YOU HATE SHOWER SCENES??!?!?  THOMAS EDISON INVENTED MOVIES SO HE AND WE COULD WATCH MOVIES WITH WOMEN SHOWERING!!!!!  STOP PISSING ON TOM ED’S GRAVE!!!!!  GIVE US US SHOWER SCENES!!!

moral of the story – they gave us a new Spider-Man, even if we didn’t want it, and while it may not be a Christopher Nolanesqueish funky-fresh take on the material, it is kinda fresh, and it has the best of the best Stan Lee cameos, and Martin Sheen is realllllly good, before he gets plugged [UNSPOILER ALERT!!], and Sally Field is OK, and it’s nice to see Hollywood hire Irrfan Khan, cause we love hearing him talk, and moist importantly, they employed…

C.Thomas Howell!!!!!:

C THOMAS HOWELL IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Spidey slings it at a theater near jews tomoorow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

To Rome With Love
Amore or Less-a – 4 Mini I-talian Woody Allen Movies
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 102 min

Woody Allen‘s latest has four I-talianish stories that have nothing to do with each other, or really anything in general.  here’s a breakdown of the 4 stories…

story 1 is about average schmo Roberto Benigni, who one day, for no reason, becomes famous for just being himself.  this story is more stoopid than a typical Roberto Benigni movie (not talking bout Life Is Beautiful here).  Woody should have just made him re-enact his winning an Oscar zaniness or maybe the two should juss remake Jerry Lewis’ never released The Day The Clown Died.  anywho, story 1 is a good story… to run out of the theater if you need to take a giant dump

story 2 is about a pair of newlyweds (Alessandra Mastronardi & Alessandro Tiberi) who come to Rome with big job prospects from relatives, but they first must impress them.  The wife gets lost in the city, and for no reason a prostitute (Penélope Cruz) arrives at the husband’s door, right when his relatives show up, so the relatives think that the hooker is his wife, so the husband pretends that she’s his wife, and hilarity doesn’t ensue.  Meanwhile, the wife gets more lost, and eventually locks arms with some bald movie star and yadda yadda, who cares, whatevs.webs

story 3 is about Woody (BACK IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA BIZNITCHES!!!! AHHHH YEAH!!!!) meeting his daughter (not muse, but solid Allen player Alison Pill)’s about to be in-laws.  New Yorkers meet Romans – hilarity kinda mildly ensues, cause future in-law mortician papa (opera tenor Fabio Armiliato) is a diamond in the rough opera tenor superstar, but is only a blammazin singer in the shower.  Woody wants to make him a star, but how can he be a star without a shower????  We’ll juss leave it at that, as the what happens next stuff (WHICH YOU ALREADY PROBABLY ALREADY FINGERED OUT, ALREADY, CAUSE YOU SO SMART)  is one of the bettererer parts of the movie, sorta

story 4 is about Jesse Eisenberg who falls in love with his girlfriend’s (non-actress Greta Gerwig) actress best friend (Ellen Page), all while getting sage imaginary advice from Alec Baldwin.  This is the typical, watchable, enjoyable Woody Allen movie story plot thing that happens to be trapped in a movie with half crap and 1/4 of semi-amusingness

moral of the story – for a movie set in Italy, it’s kinda odd that all the bits and pieces that don’t work mainly have to do with the Italian characters and actors in the film.  our thinking like this is nots causes we’re American and only like American stuff (you’ve been to our older sister-site, NonUSHotties, right???), but it’s a fact, as proven by we, by saying so, and we juss said so, that the Italian parts need more spicing in the a meatballs

Verdictgo: acceptable low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

To Rome gets a lil Love in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Prometheus
On and Off The Origin of The Specieses
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 124 min

Dude, what’s your problem with Ridley Scott‘s Peromoutheosues?  Why do you have beef when this movie is all filet mignon-and-on-and-on til the break-a-break-a-dawn?  This is how quasi-prequels should be made!!!  This is what they should look like.  This is how they should be acted in like.  No cheese, all ruling.  Seriously, what didn’t you like about the best sci-fi movie of the 2000s, and Scott’s biggest and bestest since freaking Blade Runner?  What didn’t meat yer eggspectations?  This movie answers THE question to end began all questions of how we began, and how Alien began!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the movie has theseses!!!!

a not as strong-willed girl with probably zero tattoos who used to be a strong-willed girl with a dragon tattoo!!!!

every woman AND man’s dream – a robot Michael Fassbender who does whatever you want it to do!!!

the opposite of finding Texas Tea/black gold!!

spaceships that look like rotten cashews!!!

SORTA FACE ON MARS THING!!!

batshit crazy rich old white dudes!!

Ryan Atwood’s skeezy brother!!

alien masks almost more alien than this helmet!!

bobbed in space!

this surly a$$hole guy who always plays surly a$$holes!!!

space vomit!

better use of Charzlizezeze Therzon in tight future clothings!!!

speaking of, Leeloo-lish clothings for space hibernating hotties!

&

[spoilerish alert!!!….]

the grossest of gross that could possibly happen to a woman’s tummy!!!!!!

moral of the story – IT’S A PREQUEL THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF SUCKS/STAR WARS EPISODES I – III!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Prometheus is currently lighting fires at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Chernobyl Diaries
Where It’s Kinda (Pripy)at
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 86 min

We siht you not, but touring Chernobyl is something we’ve semi-dreamed of doing.  Sounds stoopid, but people do it, and now it’s the premise for a movie, and of course we had to see this movie, cause it’s like a semi-dream come true!  Chernobyl is a nuclear power plant, and Pripyat is the adjacent city where the workers and their families lived.  When disaster stuck, the people left Pripyat and never returned.  It’s a ghost town permanently stuck in 80s USSRness.  How would anyone NOT want to go and visit that?!?!?  And how could this not make for a killer movie??!?!

The first half of Chernobyl Diaries, when our protagonists travel to and walk around Pripyat (obviously they didn’t actually film there, but they did a great job of make a faux version of the city!!!), is eggzactly what we were looking for in a Chernobyl movie - eeriness, mysteriousness, creepiness, and bordering on outright scarinessness.  Then when siht goes wrong, and when the movie turns into a pseudo-horror fest, the movie goes wrong.  Not exactly wrong in terribleness, but juss wrong to the just right that came before it.  The scarinessness they jam in our faces isn’t all that scary.  That’s part of the problem, cause empty Chernobyl/Pripyat itselfves is enuff scary that a movie about Chernobyl/Pripyat  doesn’t require additional lame scares that aren’t scary

moral of the story - Chernobyl Diaries is a basic dumb horror movie with a killer premise with much promise.  the promise is partly there, and the rest is a basic dumb horror movie.  One lil thing that was hugely lacking was a bit more backstory of the disaster.  Doubt the kind of people seeing this kind of movie are overly familiar with that kinda history.  The backstory IS the story, not some tourist kids being stuck in a place where no one wants to be stuck

Dark Shadows
Not Awful!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 113 min

Since Ed Wood, Tim Burton has made one really really good Tim Burton movie (Sleepy Hollow) and one really really really good non-Tim Burton movie (Big Fish).  The rest have been a waste of his talent and our time.  The remakes have been especially poor, so one doesn’t expect much of a TV remake, right?  Semi-wrong.  His Dark Shadows might not exactly be a return to form, but it’s more of a return to Burton norm, and even with a not so hot third act, this is still a good sign, and a decent movie to boot.  Johnny Depp & co sizzle with the material, and it’s a lot of fun, until the material sizzles out, and then it’s not as fun

btw, not a huge fan of blue eyes, but we want to make love to Bella Heathcote‘s baby blues.  btw, Dark Shadows neeeded like 8812838266363636% more Bella Heathcote and her eyes!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: despite weak endings, the beginnings warrant low low low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Chernobyl and Shadows shed light to the darkness at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Moonrise Kingdom
Merit Badger
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 94 min

Moonrise Kingdom might juss be the mos Wes Andersonian Wes Anderson movie there ever was was.  Instead of adults acting like kids, MK has kids (LOTS OF THEM!) acting like kids!  Instead of modern folks wearing vintage threads, using out of date audiovisual equipment and reading crusty old looking books, it’s of the day folk (1965) wearing threads, using audiovisual equipment and reading new looking books that will all eventually become vintage!  It’s got characters with character names that have more character than this restaurant.  Names like Gadge, Lazy Eye, Nickleby, Skotak, Lionel, Roosevelt, Izod, and Redford give the Tenenbaums & Steve Zissou & Raleigh St Clair & et al a run for their precious money.  It even has a ski-capped Bob Balaban as an on-screen narrator.  CAN WE GET ANY MORE ANDERSONIAN THAN THAT!  Oh, and it’s got kids who have absent parent figures.  Oh, and Bill Murray and Jason Schwartzman are in it. Oh, and the film’s color looks like it was filmed with Instagram.  Wait, did Wes Anderson invent Instagram?

So is being the mos Wes Andersonian Wes Anderson movie there ever was was a great, good or bad thing?  To be perfectly honest, we have yet to make up our mind, and have already resigned ourselves to the fact that we probably need to see this flick again before delivering a real final verdict.  Well, if we want to see it again, that’s gotta mean this shiz is f#$king the biz-quick, yo!  Right?  Well, it’s definitely not the biz-quick, but it’s certainly not the limited Darjeeling Limited neither.  Moonrise Kingdom has a lot of heart, which is a wonderful quality for any movie to have (it’s what made MiB3 totally watchable!), but that heart didn’t somehow penetrate our own heart.  We’re not heartless (unless we’re talking Clooney or Apatow), but we juss couldn’t give our complete love and devotion to Moonrise Kingdom.  Maybe we’re still jaded with the Andersonian world, which started with Zissou, and kinda had a reprieve with his Fantastic Mr Fox, but Moonrise puts Anderson right back in Andersonland, and it feels like we’ve sorta been here, done that before

True, Wes (with writing help from Roman Coppola) has never given us a boy scout adventure, but he has taken us to an island before, treated us to amateur theater, and had kids write letters and read them aloud.  Since it’s been there/done that territory, gonna briefly explain the plot in Andersonian terms: A less annoying Max Fischer (Jared Gilman) has found his Rushmore, not in the Khaki Scouts (led by scoutmaster Edward Norton), but in the eyes of a girl that reeks of young Margot Tenenbaum (Kara Hayward).  Things stand in the way like un-understanding parents (Murray, Frances McDormand), but that won’t stop faux Max from carrying out his well laid out plan. (which would make Bottle Rocket‘s Dignan proud) of escaping with his beloved young Margot.  (this flick reminds us of the kids in love movie Melody).  Cuteness and zaniness ensues, and Bruce Willis, Harvey Keitel, and Tilda Swinton pop up, but don’t really stand out.  Then the movie gets Andersonianish and so on and so forth.  Roll credits

moral of the story – like we said, hard to make a final judgement without seeing it a 2nd time, but that has gotta be a somewhat good sign, since we didn’t even want to bother seeing Zissou or Darjeeling a second time.  but why didn’t it hit us on the first time?   have we had enuff of Andersonian stuffs? well, we could never get enuff of his 2nd to none production design, but how many times can we sit thru the same basic movie but with different vintage threads, audiovisual equipment and old crusty books?  dunno, probably like 5 more times, AND THEN THAT’S IT ANDERSON!!!

Quiet Riot: this is where that was

you love movies, so why aren’t you following Quiet On The Sets???

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers?  Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers?

Moonrise rises today in NY/LA only, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…