Tag Archives: Michael Fassbender


Alien: Covenant
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 122 min

I returned from 2 weeks away in Italy, and after a night of attempting to reset my biological clock (it didn’t work), the next morning, the only thing I wanted to do (besides laundry) was see the new Alien movie – Alien: Covenant.  But I think I forgot to brush up on Prometheus before seeing it.  Oooops.  Kinda woulda helped!!!

Speaking of Prometheus, why did everyone hate that movie so much?  Cause the humans were dumb and did dumb things?  Well, what would you have done on a planet you’ve never been too????  Also, who wants to see a movie where smart astronauts avoid getting killed?  Aren’t the Alien movies all about watching humans getting killed by aliens in the most horrific ways possible??? And did everyone forget about how scary and captivating the movie was, and how there was an alien in our hero’s body and she c-sectioned the thing the fcuk out of her and it literally was like the most insane thing ever??????????????

Anywho, Covenant is the next prequelish chapter in Ridley Scott‘s continued attempt to properly resurrect the franchise, while raising new big questions, and introducing us to new dumb humans (welcome Billy Crudup!)  Luckily, the smartest ‘man’ in the room remains Michael Fassbender, and… Michael Fassbender.  No spoilers here, but lets just say, double the Fassbender, double the twisted fun!  And while the new crew includes a nice mix of actors from Demián Bichir to Danny McBride (not as comicy reliefy as you’d think), you know this one’s gonna be all about some short-haired lady, who’s probably going to have a high survivability rate – hello Katherine Waterston!!! 

Yes, hello!  Waterston seems to be in everything these days, but I would say any movie where she is wearing clothes, is a failure, cause she can totally be in a movie without clothes [NSFW]

But there’s something about her in Covenant that doesn’t exactly click, and we don’t feel for her, like they way we did for PrometheusNoomi Rapace.  Oh yeah, whatever happened to her?????  And what’s up with the white engineer dudes?  And the black goo?  And this and that?  

Covenant has more to say than Prometheus, but I don’t necessarily think it’s AS good – but remember, I really liked Prometheus (and you probably didn’t).  The day after seeing the new one, I revisited the Prometheus and I like it more now than I ever have!!!  I mean, again, c’mon, the good doctor gives herself a cesarean section and the thing that comes out of it sucks on one of those white engineer dudes and becomes a fcuking insane alien!!!!!  WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT???  There are aliens in this Alien movie, and we sorta now know how they came to be, and how we came to be, and it’s both beautiful and unnerving, and these are prequels making us think – not making itself STINK

VerdictgoJeepers Worth A Peepers

Covenant agrees with you at theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


Aqua Valentine

The Light Between Oceans
The Shore Thing
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 132 min

light between oceans

The summer bummers of moviedom is officially over, and the season of actual good movies is upon us, and what a way to kick the season off with Derek Cianfrance‘s The Light Between Oceans!

WWI is over and shell-shocked survivor Michael Fassbender is looking for steady work.  He looks no further when he becomes a lighthouse keeper off the coast of Australia.  He enjoys the quiet solitary job and life, but things aint so quiet or solitary no more when a lovely lady of the shore – Alicia Vikander – anchors away on his heart!  She literally wants to marry a lighthouse keeper AND DOES (and the two actors fell in love f’reals on the set)!!!  They try for kids but miscarriage and become very disparaged.  Then a dead man and an alive baby wash up on their lighthouse shores and change everything!!  EVERYTHING!!! They assume the parentage of the orphaned child and life moves on.  BUT DOES IT???  What about the baby’s mother???  To say anything more about the plot would be saying more about the plot, but all I’ll say is that Rachel Weisz is in the movie too, and the trailer spoils the movie, so don’t watch the trailer

I don’t know much about who Derek Cianfrance is as a person, cept he’s a guy who makes movies – and I fcuking love him cause of the movies he makes!  His debut – Blue Valentine – is still giving my heart painful palpitations (in a good bad way), and his follow-up – The Place Beyond The Pines – is another painful place I think of fondly.  And with his third feature – The Light Between Oceans – all I can say is SURF’S UP, YO!  Actually, that’s not all I can say.  I would say that this is somehow his LEAST painful movie (but don’t worry pain-freaks, there’s still plenty of pain to ‘enjoy’ here), but perhaps it is his most beautiful film yet!  So beautiful that I don’t juss want to marry the lighthouse keeper, I want to marry that fcuking lighthouse too!


Verdictgo:  Breast In Show

Oceans sets sail today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


Odd Jobs

Steve Jobs
It’s No Pirates of Silicon Valley
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 122 min


Do you like 3 act plays, endless Aaron Sorkin scripted banter, and not knowing much about Steve Jobs and what he did?  Well then, you will LOVE Danny Boyle‘s Steve Jobs.  The movie does a good jobs… at being a movie, but not necessary at being a Steve Jobs movie.  YES – it’s entertaining, and enthralling, and it makes you nervous and uncomfortable at times.  YES – the acting is excellent (even Seth Rogen wasn’t horrible!!!), the direction is lovely, the design is nice, but this is not the Steve Jobs movie I was expecting, or the one the world should have received

The movie is broken down into three periods of Steve Jobs life – thru three product launches – the Macintosh, the NeXT, and the iMac.  And the movie shows Jobs prepping for these launches in green rooms, with various people from his life popping in and bothering him with things keeping him down or standing is his way – the daughter he disowned, his founding partner he dismisses, his assistant who he dishes endless commands to, and other people who he treats like garbage sauce.  But Jobs, and these people, are kinda turned into one-dimensional characters – the shouter and the people being shouted at

Don’t get me wrong – the shouting and the being shouted at make for a great film, and this is a great-ish film, but for people who don’t really know who Steve Jobs is or what Apple was and what they became because of Jobs – this movie fails to deliver that, and the people need this, for today and the future

Plus, most of what happens in the movie isn’t true or ever happened

Plus, Michael Fassbender looks nothing like Steve Jobs.  He looks like Michael Fassbender

Plus, there was a movie that did what I am asking for it to do – tell the story, the whole story, and included shouting (and no, I’m, not talking about the Ashton Kutcher one, although that one wasn’t awful, in fact, it was pretty good!).  And the guy who plays Steve Jobs looks like Steve Jobs (go Noah Wyle!!!!!!!!!!)  And it was made-for-TV, and made pre-iPod.  And it’s amazing, even with its limited budget, and it includes Bill Gates’ story and awesome 80s glasses, and I love it, LOTS



pirates of silicon

michael hall bill gfates

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Steve Jobs boots up at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment

RFK Stadium, Blown Away, What Else Do I Have To Say?

X-Men: Days of Future Past
Out With The Old, In With The New Old
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 132 min

xmen future past

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we love us some Patrick Stewart as Professor X and Ian McKellen as Magneto, and sure, sure, sure, we’re VERY happy to have them back – but they’re barely in or register in Bryan Singer‘s third directorial turn in the X-Men franchise – Days of Future Past.  How is that possible?  Cause the new guys playing the old guys – James McAvoy & Michael Fassbender – are so X-cellent that we don’t even really need the old dudes anymore.  OK, OK, so there’s a lot of appeal to having all involved – like in that Star Trek Generations type way – but really, who needs it.  First Class was… first class.  New school rules.  New school should stay in session.  But didn’t you juss forget about Hugh Jackman as Wolverine?  Ooops, I did.  And while Pat Stew and Ian McK were unnecessary, Hugh Jax was totally necessary!  CAUSE WE GOT TO SEE HIS BUTT!!!   But why do these new movies work so well, and sorta make us forget about the old movies?  Cause they don’t take place in the boring present.  Part of it takes places in a weird future, but most of it takes place in the awesome past – and this time – it’s the Tricky Dicky 70s!  


Magneto, X Men, RFK

Oh, and Jennifer Lawrence still sucks.  Oh, and Evan Peters is the fcuking best.  When he gonna play Jack White in a biopic called Jack White & Red All Over?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

X-Men x-cells at a theater near jews

and oh, these posters are the fcuking baaaaaast!

x-men poster2

xmen poster1

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


And The Würst Date Movie of 2013 Is…

12 Years A Slave 
Chain In The A$$
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 133 min

12 years a slave

Whatever you does, do not bring your significant other to see Steve McQueen‘s 12 Years A Slave, unless you want to go 12 years without having sex.  A most important movie, filled with zero fun, and has about as much rewatchable-ness as Schindler’s List done doesn’t (which means you’ll never want to watch it EVERRRR again).  Actually, after seeing 12 Years, I’ve now had enough of the slavery movie genre.  No mo fo me.  Add it to the list of non-starters, alongside Holocaust pics + westerns + rom coms + anything with vampires or zombies + anything directed or presented by Guillermo del Taco

12 Years is truly important, cause it fo reals happened – it’s what happened to a born-free black man named Solomon Northup, wrongfully turned into a slave.  This story, based on Solomon’s own book, certainly needed to be told (it was once before), but I don’t know if I needed it told to me.  I’m not one for turning a blind eye to things that are horrible in history, but I also wasn’t eggzactly all that interested in having my senses blinded and numbed completely.  Maybe the point is that watching something so hard to take should be exactly that, but c’mon man, couldn’t they have at least cut out 1/4 of the whipping and yelling and awfulness and made this excruciating experience only 90 minutes long???  We know that Solomon (Chiwetel Ejiofor, FINALLLLLLY with a meaty role to match his acting might) will become a slave, and then 12 years later, not be a slave.  And so we’re forced to watch him go from 0 to 12 years, without a clue as to which year we’re in.  If only there was a countdown ticker, so we could get excited about crossing the finish line of this torture-fest 

But hey, look at all those famous actors playing horrible people!!  Solomon gets conned by Scoot ‘Poop’ McNairy! & Taran Killam!, and sold into slavery!  Where he’s chained up with Michael K Williams!  Then sold by Paul Giamatti! To Benedict Cumberbatch!  Who’s plantation-hand Paul Dano! is out of hand and forces Benedict to send Solomon to the much more evil plantation owner (and McQueen regular) Michael Fassbender!  And his nasty wife Sarah Paulson!  Well, at least he can find some sympathy in slaves Lupita Nyong’o! (don’t know who she is, but won’t be soon forgetting her performance), and former slave or something Alfre Woodard!  Don’t worry, things get better once (the film’s producer) Brad Pitt! and his Amish beard show up!  Maybe Brad can save the day!!  But where’s Clooney????  Why can’t the whole Ocean’s 12 crew free the slave of 12 yearss??  Oh yeah, and oh, look there’s Beasts of the Southern Wild alumz Quvenzhané Wallis AND Dwight Henry!  Man, slavery has never been so well cast and acted!  

Am I better for seeing this film?  Maybe better off not.  But what’s been seen was seen, and it aint going away, from my head, or from history.  And oh, that final scene – a scene that packs a super-HEAVY emotional punch that’s equally AS punchy as Captain Phillips‘ UNFORGETTABLE final scene wiz was, making the torturous torture ALMOS worth letting yerself get tortured by

But c’mon McQueen, when are you going to make a ‘happy’ movie?

Verdictgo: hard to watch, but still – Jeepers Worth A Peepers

12 Years is how long it will feel like sitting in a theater watching this, tomorrow in NY/LA/DC/Chicago/ATL/Toronto, and elsewhere elsehwhen

oh, and here are some previous the würstest date movies EVER, reviewed on TWS –  Amour, Towelhead4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days, The Babysitters, Vera Drake & Lake of Fire 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment
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