School Thighs

Cracks
Dropping The Pieces
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

‘Cracks’! What a great great word, and a great great title for a movie.  We wanna say it over and over – CRACKS CRACKS CRACKS CRACKS!!!!  And we wanted to love the movie Cracks, and not cause it was helmed by Jordan ‘daughter of Ridley’ Scott, cause as well all know, nepotism does not rule, despite what you think of Francis Ford’s daughter.  Alas, Cracks has its own cracks, besides the ones it presents, and while it tries to piece together the pieces, it cannot and remains kinda Crack-potted.  Maybe that’s one of the reason’s this thing’s been sitting on America’s shelf for 2 years

Not for a lack of trying, cause Scott’s take on Sheila Kohler‘s novel is overloaded with green gorgeosity.  It takes place at a remote all girls boarding school, surrounded by some of the dang dere lusciousistest green nooks and crannies that Ireland has to offer.  And the film revolves around Eva Green, who’s the mos beautiful of all the world’s greens!!!!

As an artsy sorta fartsy teacher, Green inspires her girls (all of them so delightful, we’re gonna list their names: Juno TempleImogen PootsEllie Nunn, Adele McCannZoe Carroll and Clemmie Dugdale) in a Ms Jean Brodie/Robin Williams Poets Society kinda way, but when a beautiful Spanish senorita (María Valverde, so beautiful that we drops some pics of her below) is shipped off to the school and joins the class, she becomes the object of desire and despisement, to both pupil and mentor.  Hotness!!  Then things get a bit Notes On A Scandalish and a tad Lord of The Fliesness, but it doesn’t really fly.  Notness!  Green’s character has a checkered ‘cracked’ past, but we know so little about it that it never helps us fully understand her motivations and actions

Unfortunately, this class has to be dismissed!  Yes, even despite a scene of everyone doing a bit of nekkid nightswimming, cause nightswimming deserves a quiet night!!! Or a slightly butter realized movie?

She Reigns In Spain & EVERYWHERE: oh MARÍA!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Cracks kinda falls thru itself this Friday in NY & LA, elsewhere elsewhen and On-Demand 3/23

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

love da poster!

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