Thighs Wide Shut

Prometheus
On and Off The Origin of The Specieses
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 124 min

Dude, what’s your problem with Ridley Scott‘s Peromoutheosues?  Why do you have beef when this movie is all filet mignon-and-on-and-on til the break-a-break-a-dawn?  This is how quasi-prequels should be made!!!  This is what they should look like.  This is how they should be acted in like.  No cheese, all ruling.  Seriously, what didn’t you like about the best sci-fi movie of the 2000s, and Scott’s biggest and bestest since freaking Blade Runner?  What didn’t meat yer eggspectations?  This movie answers THE question to end began all questions of how we began, and how Alien began!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the movie has theseses!!!!

a not as strong-willed girl with probably zero tattoos who used to be a strong-willed girl with a dragon tattoo!!!!

every woman AND man’s dream – a robot Michael Fassbender who does whatever you want it to do!!!

the opposite of finding Texas Tea/black gold!!

spaceships that look like rotten cashews!!!

SORTA FACE ON MARS THING!!!

batshit crazy rich old white dudes!!

Ryan Atwood’s skeezy brother!!

alien masks almost more alien than this helmet!!

bobbed in space!

this surly a$$hole guy who always plays surly a$$holes!!!

space vomit!

better use of Charzlizezeze Therzon in tight future clothings!!!

speaking of, Leeloo-lish clothings for space hibernating hotties!

&

[spoilerish alert!!!….]

the grossest of gross that could possibly happen to a woman’s tummy!!!!!!

moral of the story – IT’S A PREQUEL THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF SUCKS/STAR WARS EPISODES I – III!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Prometheus is currently lighting fires at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Haywire
The MMA Experience
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 93 min

Having a tough time trying to figure out what to make of Steven Nerderbergh‘s Haywire.  It’s kinda La Femme Nikitaish, but feels more like a 90s Steven Seagal flick with shades of whatever that Jim Jarmusch movie was.  See what we mean?  But there’s one thing that’s super clear - Gina Carano kicks ass, on screen and in general.  Credit Nerderbergh for plucking her from his TV watching to his movie-making, but maybe he should have left the plucking to someone else.   He’s got this ace in the hole, but doesn’t seem to know what to do with it, cept occasionally let her kick

Apparently what he decided to do was make a half-baked tale of a hired gun (foot?) who gets double crossed and then needs to double back in order to set things doubly straight.  By the time we get to the end and the 5 Ws get ‘revealed’, it seems a little too late to make this simple plot seem complex

But… it really doesn’t matter what transgressed cause we get to watch Carano mix it up all over America and Europe with the likes of Ewan McGregor (why don’t movies juss let him speak in his natural accent?), Michael Fassbender (no wang dangling here), Michael Angarano (hey, it’s that guy!), Channing Tatum (he’s kinda the best wurst actor ever), Michael Douglas (brings instant gravitas to anything), Antonio Banderas (bearded!), Mathieu Kassovitz (also bearded! and always a pleasure to see him) and Bill Paxton (who’s so great that someone had to make a pinball game about him!).  And any movie with that crew crewing it up is bound to be watchable, cause it’s true

moral of the story: this is a good start for Carano’s young movie career, but ultimately it’s kinda like a Girlfriend Experience with zero sex and more kicking

American Glad We Don’t Hate Her: WE KNEW CARANO LOOKED FAMILIAR!!!! 

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Haywire kicks it at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Shame
Hard-Ons, Hard-On
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NC-17(!!!) | 101 min

(not that) Steve McQueen somehow took Michael Fassbender‘s penis + Carey Mulligan showering nekkid(!!!@@#$%#@!!!!) and turned it into the least sexy sexual movie in these sexting times. Good thing? Bad thing?  Hard to tell, and yet we’re not a-SHAME-ed to admit that we kinda loved this hard to love movie.  Whether you’ll feel the same way all depends on how much you JO in the shower or in the bathroom at work.  So, basically every man can sorta identify with Fassbender’s beyond sex-craved character, cept we all don’t have a gynormous shlong and we don’t meet DTF ladies every 120 seconds (boys can dream, can’t wees???), and every woman will identify at how awesomely gynormous Fassbender’s shlong is.  So, there’s really something for everyone, and that something is Fassbender’s gynormous shlong!

moral of the story: Shame has one too many climaxes (ha, ha, ha, ha), but not very much plot (it’s simply a moody mood piece about a guy who loves (or is it hates?) to get off, and how hot AND crazy his sister is, and how hot AND crazy he is), but it’s got a lot of very annoying James Badge Dale stylings (it’s the kid from Lord of the Flies!!!!), lots of New York quiet (our fav kinda quiet), and lots of Fassbender’s shlong (everyone’s fav kinda shlong).  Shame on he or we?  Practice safe watching and decide for yo-self

No Shame In These Hotties:

Lucy Walters

in this scene!!! which is like the hottiest non-sexual scene ever

WHY AREN’T MY SUBWAY RIDES LIKE THIS!

AND OH, BY THE GAY, THAT SCORE IS F$%KING KILLER!!!

Elizabeth Masucci

Marta Milans

& mainly for the name only

Calamity Chang

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Shame is disgrace-amaze-ment currently in limited release (ha, ha, ‘release’)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

A Dangerous Method
Girl Just Wanna Have Jung
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 99 min

A teacher and a pupil and the pupil’s own pupil get into a psychological triangle of thoughts, dreams and masochistic desires in David Cronenberg‘s A Dangeous Method. It’s true, and it’s all true, cause the people we’re talking about are real people!!!  Like the cigar chomping daddy of modern psychology Sigmund Freud (Viggo Mortensen), his reluctant and doubting heir apparent Carl Jung (Michael Fassbender), and Sabina Spielrein (Keira Knightley), a fidgety young Russian girl who takes great pleasure in pain, and has a few of her own thoughts on analyzing this AND that!!!

We see relationships forged, broken, mended and bended all over again, before this trio goes their own ways into the annals of psychoanalytic history. But whose story is this? Freud is on the fringes, observing afar from Vienna, while Jung and the Ruskie take center stage experimenting with some… dangerous methods – read, HOT KINKY HOTNESS!!!!  THEY SHOULDN’T, BUT THEY SHOULD!!!!  Or should they???? What does Freud think of all this???

Mustached Fassbender as Jung owns the proceedings (of course he does, this is Fassbender we’re talking about!!!), but Keira Knightley comes pretty close to upstaging Mr Mos Fantastic Actor of the Moment. At first, her accent seems to flicker in and out of believability, but as the minutes pass, not only does Knightley’s character blossom before our eyes, but she herself, from the run of the mill Jane Austen broad we’ve become bored of, to an actual actress with great range, filled with sirpizes!  Yes, we’re talking about the same KK that is in such boring stuffy British movies like, Crumpets: The Movie. Same also goes with Cronenberg, who sirprizes us by showing he’s capable of making an adult movie that doesn’t succumb to weirdness for weirdness sake, or has William Hurt in it for no reason

moral of the story: a movie about thinking people thinking about other peoples thoughts doesn’t exactly scream ‘see me’, and we cannot necessarily say that A Dangerous Method is something worth screaming about, but it is worth a thought, and a lot of thought was put into it, so think about that.  Remember, it’s a non-weird Cronenberg movie, and William Hurt isn’t in it for no reason, so if that’s what yer thinking, THINK AGAIN!!!  BUT you get to peep at Knightley’s nips AND see Vincent Cassel play yet another oversexed pig, and that’s good enuff for we to think you should see it, maybe.  thoughts?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

A Dangerous Method wants you to hear its thoughts in NY & LA today, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

X-Men: First Class
When We Were Tweens
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 132 min

There’s all kinda stuff goings on and off in Matthew Vaughn‘s X-Men prequel, but most of it is not much of consequence (wow, mutant kids meet other mutant kids for the first time, AND THEN they get to hone their skillz, in a super slow montage!), since prequels are usually pointlessly redundant ways of taking more of our cash for something we already know well about (wait, Magento was a holocaust survivor???  wait, Professor X used to be able to walk and then one day he couldn’t???). And since this film’s trailer (a damn fine one) puts on display all the juicy actiony content (that Cuban missile crises sh#t was still pretty cool!!), the bits that are worth the price of admission are the wits-y ones.  You know, watching brainy studs Magsy & Proffy X forge a BFFship and then sees it fall apart (we still rooted for it to work, even though we KNEW it wouldn’t)

Watching James McAvoy think and act like Jean-Luc Picard, and Michael Fassbender snarl and snap like an evil Gandolf, while both adding their own flourishes to the characters, was the only thing first class about the film, and that’s almos good enuff for us.  But why employ Kevin Bacon as yer main bad guy?  He was only scary and creepy when he was invisible and groping chicks in that Verhoeven movie.  And don’t know why everyone’s getting all over January Jones‘ case.  She has the very egggzact same amount of acting talent that Academy Award nominee Jennifer Lawrence does —  negative 5.  Lawrence is more blah as the conflicted blue chick than JJ is at looking hot in a movie where she was solely cast to look hot in.  Lawrence is more like X-Men WURST CLASS!!!!!  It’s true, cause we said so.  Oh, and Rose Byrne‘s in this, but she’s not a mutant, so she serves no purpose, but we’re not going to complain about her undercover (but sadly NOT under the covers) lingerie work.  Oh, and Nicholas Hoult was pretty good as Frasier with furry feet, even though he wasn’t wearing a super gay pink angora sweater.  He should get that sweater written into all of his contracts

Fassbestness: see Mikey F sizzle and dazzle in last year’s brilliant Fish Tank OR ELSE!!  but you’re probably a smarty jones and listened to us and already saw this!  if so, pat yerself on the back, and then yer balls

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

X-Men hits the spot enuff, currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…