Tag Archives: Carey Mulligan

The Baz Age

The Great Gatsby
Old Sport Done Anew.  Are You Game?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 143 min

great gatsby

People be acting like they’ve never seen a  movie before, cause Baz Luhrmann Baz Luhrmanned the sh!t out of F Scott’s Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby.  Have a problem with the movie, well look no further than The Great Gatsby source material itself, cause it isn’t necessarily that great, at least when turned into a movie.  It has basically failed every time someone tried doing so.  And if you’ve ever seen the Robert Redford-Mia Farrow 1974 snooze-fest, you know that Gatsby needed a shot of adrenaline, and who better to deliver that shot than Bazzy Baz Luhrmann, who splashes in a hefty dose of pizzazz & confetti (I mean, check out that ’74 snoorer all Bazzzed up in this reduxed trailer ).  Fact – I love Baz Luhrmann.  Fact – I read Gatsby last year and really didn’t think much of it.  Fact – Baz made Gatsby eggzactly how I thought he would.  Fact – if you don’t like Baz Luhrmanned flicks you probably won’t like his Gatsby.  So if you hate things that are fun and awesome, and looks like the party of the year that you wish you could attend, WITH the soundtrack of the year, then don’t see Baz’ Great Gatsby

but that cast.  THAT CAST!!!

 is dashing, old sport, but like AO Scott said about his ‘overdone accent‘, I too ‘wish he would try a performance without one, though

 is not an actor but a deer in headlights, always starring blankly ahead, with a wry smile, but his work is serviceable enuff as our humble narrator Nicky C

Carey Mulligan makes me want to mulligan all over myself again and mulligan and gan.  What Gatsby?  More like how many times did she make my weenie gaspy

 has an edge to his rton, and an awesome mustache + he’s Owen Lars, and his dad Cliegg Lars is in the movie too (although never sharing a screen moment)!!!

 is barely in the movie, but her boobs jiggle enuff to keep her on our mindsz

 was in Zero Dark Thirty as the main black site interrogator, but in this movie he looks like he’s the one getting his a$$ handed to him.  This guy’s good

 is a handsome Indian man

 is a handsome Australian woman who reminds me of Cate Blanchett, in a more flappertastic/faptastic tastic way

gatsby jordan

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Gatsby is Baztastic in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


Michael Fassbender’s Gynormous Shlong: The Movie

Hard-Ons, Hard-On
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NC-17(!!!) | 101 min

(not that) Steve McQueen somehow took Michael Fassbender‘s penis + Carey Mulligan showering nekkid(!!!@@#$%#@!!!!) and turned it into the least sexy sexual movie in these sexting times. Good thing? Bad thing?  Hard to tell, and yet we’re not a-SHAME-ed to admit that we kinda loved this hard to love movie.  Whether you’ll feel the same way all depends on how much you JO in the shower or in the bathroom at work.  So, basically every man can sorta identify with Fassbender’s beyond sex-craved character, cept we all don’t have a gynormous shlong and we don’t meet DTF ladies every 120 seconds (boys can dream, can’t wees???), and every woman will identify at how awesomely gynormous Fassbender’s shlong is.  So, there’s really something for everyone, and that something is Fassbender’s gynormous shlong!

moral of the story: Shame has one too many climaxes (ha, ha, ha, ha), but not very much plot (it’s simply a moody mood piece about a guy who loves (or is it hates?) to get off, and how hot AND crazy his sister is, and how hot AND crazy he is), but it’s got a lot of very annoying James Badge Dale stylings (it’s the kid from Lord of the Flies!!!!), lots of New York quiet (our fav kinda quiet), and lots of Fassbender’s shlong (everyone’s fav kinda shlong).  Shame on he or we?  Practice safe watching and decide for yo-self

No Shame In These Hotties:

Lucy Walters

in this scene!!! which is like the hottiest non-sexual scene ever



Elizabeth Masucci

Marta Milans

& mainly for the name only

Calamity Chang

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Shame is disgrace-amaze-ment currently in limited release (ha, ha, ‘release’)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment

Moons Over My Hottie®


is what we wish every single morning looked like


The Mickey Mouse
Clubbed To Death

Motive Auto
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 100 min

Everything about Drive is so f%cking cool – the 80s snyth pop, the toothpicks, Albert Brooks‘ nice-guy-asshole asshole nice-guyedness, that satin scorpion jacket, the lighting in the elevator on Carey Mulligan‘s adorable face, the use of the Risky Business font, Ryan Gosling‘s clenched leathered fists, Christina Hendricks 8 seconds of screen time, balancing the audio between the police scanner and the basketball game, that creepy rubber face mask, Bryan Cranston‘s limp, Nino’s delicious menu, Oscar Isaac‘s sudden fall, strippers watching hammer time, Ron Perlman‘s annoyingness properly used, handshakes, hand holding, and pretty much every single choice director Nicolas Winding Refn made to make Drive drive

What about the script?  It was aiiiiight, but this baby’s all style (AND DETAILS!!!), and has enough substance that you should substance abuse this

This is what all 5 Fast & Furiouseses should have been

Get out of your dreams and into a car to see Drive!

Drive-ing Map: thanks to Movieline, when now know where all of Gosling’s pit stops are, including where Nino/Vincenzo’s Pizzerias is/are!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show 

Drive wees crazy at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment
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