Hail, Caesar!
What The Hail???
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

You sit there watching the Coen Bros‘ Hail, Caesar!, and you think to yourself – this is cool – they love old Hollywood, I love old Hollywood, they’re totally doing right by old Hollywood, and as the movie snappily moves along, you start to realize that nothing is really going on, and you’ve laughed MAYBE twice during this comedy, and by the time that Joel & Ethan’s name appear on screen to kick off the end credits, you start to question what in the film is there to actually hail?

It seems like the Coen Bros invested more time on casting, or OVER-casting (Josh Brolin, George Clooney, Alden Ehrenreich, Ralph Fiennes, Jonah Hill, Scarlett Johansson, Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton, Channing Tatum, Alison Pill, Christopher Lambert, Fred Melamed, Patrick Fischler, David Krumholtz, Fisher Stevens, Alex Karpovsky, Clancy Brown, Robert Picardo, Dolph Lundgren and Michael Gambon‘s voice), than they did trying to construct a fluid movie.  They have ideas – WAY too many of them - and they’d maybe work if they were short films, but together as one long film – it’s juss a bunch of loving valentines with no heart

What I don’t REALLY understand, like I also didn’t REALLY understand with Inside Llewyn Davis, is if this stuff is based on real–life stuff, then why do the Coen Bros bother to fictionalize it into fluff?  They would be better off actually making a movie about the real players, instead of trying to impress us with their impressions.  It’s a waste of their talents, and a waste of our time

I mean, they obviously put a lot of thought into the movie, but I juss didn’t think too much of it.  Less is more.  They needed less of most of it, and more Alden Ehrenreich.  He gets a hail + the sets + Josh Brolin’s tuff gruff + the double dip of Tilda Swinton

Trumbo captured a similar time and themes in Hollywood, but it lacked the professional polish the Coen Bros gave Caesar.  Maybe the Coen Bros should have made Trumbo, instead of trying to make a movie that makes you feel like a sad trombone after watching it

Hail YEAH!!: it’s been awhile since we highlighted some movie hotties.  so here’s two that need hailing!!!

Natasha Bassett

&

Emily Beecham

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Caesar is a mixed salad today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

need

33 Jump Street: Generations

[22 Jump Street Sequels]

Foxcatcher
In Cold Blood 2
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 134 min

If you are unaware of the story of John du Pont and the brothers Schultz, you’re better off not knowing a thing, to fully enjoy experience the atmospherically jarring movie that is Bennett Miller‘s Foxcatcher

All you need to know is that there’s wraslin’ and a quest for gold, and plenty of uncomfortable silences, and amazing hair and make-up work – that beyond works, coupled with incredible performances by Steve Carell, Channing Tatum and Mark Ruffalo

dude – shiz is so fcuked up, and all so true (mostly)

and Anthony Michael Hall!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Foxcatcher catches your attention at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Side Effects
Moody Mara
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 106 min

Steven Nerderbergh‘s oeuvre is filled with so many hits AND misses, although it seems like there’s more misses than hits, and yet everyone seems to love all of his movies regardless of what we think.  For every killah Bubble or Informant there’s those Ocean 911 garbages or flix that seem like they’d be super dope but really are snooze-fest drecks, like The Whore Experiment or Che Parts 1 thru 289932919392 

Apparently Nerdy’s retiring.  Yeah, I believe that about as much as I believe that REM’s done for good, but if Side Effects is his ‘swan song’, well, then, I don’t know what it really says as a departing shot, but as a movie independent of Nerderbergh’s ‘closure’, Side Effects is a thriller that simply thrills.  There are surprises around some corners, and the corners that aren’t surprising are corners still worth turning!

So what exactly happens?  WON’T TELL, but Rooney Mara gets moody and confusing (probably cause she’s not hot people!!!), and Jude Law tries to help her, but is he hurting her or himself????  WHAT WHAT WHAT!!?!??!?!  And like Channing Tatum is Marion Crane, KINDA, sorta, MAYBE, ok NO TELLING, but he doesn’t overly Tatum his Channings in this one.  And then Catherine Zeta-Jones pops in and out and keeps pushing…

Ablixa

Ablixa

Ablixa

Ablixa

Ablixa

Ablixa

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Side Effects affects at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

21 Jump Street
They Got The Beat, Street
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 109 min

21 Jump Street the movie defied the following odds…

a) its trailer was horrible

b) aside from The Fugitive, Dragnet, The Brady Bunch, The Addams Family and The Untouchables, old TV shows rebooted to feature films suck

c) if it’s the 21st century and Ice Cube is in your movie, it’s probably not funny

How it bypassed all of these roadblocks is kinda a modern day movie miracle.  And on top of all that, it’s the most laugh out loud-able film we’ve seen since Jackass 3-D, but if yer talking actual scripted comedies, then it would be the laughiest riot laugh since 2008’s Step Brothers, but it’s better than Step Brothers, so we’d have to definitely say that 21 Jump Street is the funniest f$%king movie we’ve seen since the 2007 original version of Death At A Funeral!!!!!!  That’s right, yo, it’s taken 5 years to make us laugh that hard again.  You know we’re tough on comedy, but it’s a tough love.  No easy laughs, although we do love slapstick humor, which is kinda the easiest laugh giver of givers.  Anywho, take this paragraph for it’s worth, and that worth is that 21 Jump Street is comedy gold, and will probably end up as one of our favorites of 2012… and it’s only March.  WOW

Credit all involved, from the directors (hot buttery action from bottom to top by Phil Lord & Chris Miller), to the writers (Michael Bacall, who just gave us the crizzazzy Project X, with help from Jonah Hill, giving us the winkiest eye wink that will make you want to wink right back) and to the actors (Hill again, in silly straight man skinny mode, plus playing against type Channing Tatum, playing against type, and the aforementioned usually unfunny Ice Cube being funny, and Rob Riggle, who is also usually not funny also being funny, and Chris Parnell, who is criminally funny, being criminally funny, and it’s a crime in general that he doesn’t work more, cause he’s one of SNL’s best alumnuts, EVER, and a guy who looks exactly like a mini-James Franco cause he is a mini-James Franco, cause he is James Franco’s brother Dave Franco + some slices of Ellie Kemper & Nick Offerman, and finally Brie Larson, who you’ll instantly fall in love with, if you weren’t already, and who’s future’s so bright that she’d put Ray-Ban out of bidness)

So what more do you need to know?  Plot?  There is one.  A very decent enuff one that supports the rest of the funny bidness from becoming udder malarkey bidness

moral of the story – they made a movie out of a TV show that didn’t need a movie, and even if it’s barely sorta like the TV show, it’s better than the TV show, and better than any TV show that was turned into a movie since The Brady Bunch!  BAM!!!!

Fanning Over Dakota: Jess Weixler is fine and all, but we recommend you upgrade to the similiarish looking…

Dakota Johnson

and know who she is?

DON JOHNSON AND MELANIE GRIFFITH’S KID!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

21 Jumps into a theater near jews today!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…