Haywire
The MMA Experience
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 93 min

Having a tough time trying to figure out what to make of Steven Nerderbergh‘s Haywire.  It’s kinda La Femme Nikitaish, but feels more like a 90s Steven Seagal flick with shades of whatever that Jim Jarmusch movie was.  See what we mean?  But there’s one thing that’s super clear - Gina Carano kicks ass, on screen and in general.  Credit Nerderbergh for plucking her from his TV watching to his movie-making, but maybe he should have left the plucking to someone else.   He’s got this ace in the hole, but doesn’t seem to know what to do with it, cept occasionally let her kick

Apparently what he decided to do was make a half-baked tale of a hired gun (foot?) who gets double crossed and then needs to double back in order to set things doubly straight.  By the time we get to the end and the 5 Ws get ‘revealed’, it seems a little too late to make this simple plot seem complex

But… it really doesn’t matter what transgressed cause we get to watch Carano mix it up all over America and Europe with the likes of Ewan McGregor (why don’t movies juss let him speak in his natural accent?), Michael Fassbender (no wang dangling here), Michael Angarano (hey, it’s that guy!), Channing Tatum (he’s kinda the best wurst actor ever), Michael Douglas (brings instant gravitas to anything), Antonio Banderas (bearded!), Mathieu Kassovitz (also bearded! and always a pleasure to see him) and Bill Paxton (who’s so great that someone had to make a pinball game about him!).  And any movie with that crew crewing it up is bound to be watchable, cause it’s true

moral of the story: this is a good start for Carano’s young movie career, but ultimately it’s kinda like a Girlfriend Experience with zero sex and more kicking

American Glad We Don’t Hate Her: WE KNEW CARANO LOOKED FAMILIAR!!!! 

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Haywire kicks it at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Skin I Live In
(La Piel que Habito)
Arts & Grafts
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 117 min

WARNING WARNING WARNING – THE SKIN I LIVE IN IS AMAZING, BUT DISGUSTING, BRILLIANT, BUT TWISTED, SEXY, BUT REVOLTING, and slain and pimple A MUSS MUSS MUSS SEE, but it may make yer skin crawl right off yer body

Thank you Pedro Almodóvar, for being.  We keep forgetting (SOMEHOW!!!) that he is without question (in our minds), the best director alive.  Yes, even more so than Finchdog.  If one of Pedro’s films is playing in a theater, it is automatic for the people that you peoples should see it.  99999reals

We don’t even want to tell you a single detail of Skin‘s plot, not to ruin any of the fun, but not to ruin any of the agony.  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!  Lets juss say it’s Eyes Without A Face meets Vertigo meets Frankenstein meets amazingness on a half-shell.  Isn’t that enuff info to go on?  Well how bout hactually enjoying (if you can call this movie enjoyable) a rare Antonio Banderas performance in his native tongue (juss like seeing Penélope Cruz in Spanish >  Penélope Cruz in English).  Or yet another glorious eggcuse to ogle all over the muy bontia Elena Anaya, who is rapidly climbing up our current mos hotness actress chart… even if you might be repulsed by the sight of her by the time the credits roll (NO SPOILERS!!!!).  You need no eggcuses to see this people.  This is an Almodóvar pelicula we’re talking bout!!

Remember kids, anything with the word ‘skin’ in it is probably the ultimate shiz, like Skins or Skin or Mysterious Skin or The Redskins or Tony Skinn or fried chicken skin from Popeyes!!!!!! So, LIVE THRU THIS!!!  IT’S SKIN DEEP!!!

Queer Eye For The Straight Guy: Almodóvar may be at his most genius when it comes to casting über-calor chicas with big bright eyes.  he introduced us to the love of our life, Leonor Watling, employed the aforementioned hotress Elena Anaya, and now has tossed this newbie beauty in front of our ojos…

Blanca Suárez

bless you Almodó!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: BREAST IN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Live in this Skin this Friday in NY & LA, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger
Lucy Punch Drunk Love
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Woody Allen has made his fair share of winners, duds, mehs and yeah-yeah-yeahs.  You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger falls under the yeah-yeah-yeah category.  It’s nothing special, like Corky from Life Goes On, nor flat out retarded, like Lindsay Lohan’s lifestyle choices, it’s juss a delightful lil London love trifle wrapped inside no enigmas wrapped inside a comfy blanket that eventually becomes an uncomfortable one, cause some of our characters make poorer decisions than Todd Margaret, but we’ll never know the full outcome of em as the movie finishes open-ended! Bastardo cheerio!  Moist importantly, it’s not Whatever Works 2, cause #1 was dreadful!!!  And thankfully, there isn’t even a character playing the nebbish Woody Allen role in Stranger!  Basically it’s lecherous men (Anthony Hopkins, Josh Brolin, Antonio Banderas) versus their insecure, neurotic women (Gemma Jones, Naomi Watts, Freida Pinto, Lucy Punch), with some fortune telling, failed artistic careers and marriages strewn about.  Whatevs.  It’s a Woody Allen movie, and at this point, you’re either a person who sees and mostly enjoys his movies or one who doesn’t.  What kind of person are you?

What’s Next?: Midnight In Paris – 2011.  but when will Allen make a movie in Norway so we can read the headline ‘Norwegian Wood’????????

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Stranger is currently light, not dark, in limited release!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…