Tag Archives: Woody Harrelson

Jail, Caesar!

War For The Planet of The Apes
The Great APEscape
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 140 min

If War For The Planet of The Apes is the final film of this current, modern Planet of The Apes saga cycle, then director Matt Reeves and co-writer Mark Bomback ended things on a fitting, and very high note.  Sure, War wasn’t nearly as grand or as great as Dawn was, but a lovely finish nonetheless to a refreshing set of movies that started with Rise, and hopefully leaves the door open for more simian sensations in the years to come

I don’t have much of a problem with anything that rages on in War, but it seemed like less of a War and more of an escape from prison flick, wrapped in Apocalypse Now, wrapped in a giant pile of snow.  Come to think of it – Dawn was more of a War Apes movie, and War is more like an Escape Apes movie, which should not be confused with my personal favorite Apes movie of balls thyme – 1971’s Escape From The Planet of The Apes

OK, so I’m gonna complain a lil bit… but when our beloved Caesar (motion-capture maestro Andy Serkis) [spoiler alert] gets captured in this new movie by the latest human menace nemesis Woody Harrelson (who I thought would be terrible in this movie, but he actually made it work), I don’t understand why he doesn’t take out the king of the apes right then and there.  He lets him live, and in turn, give his fellow apes in bondage hope.  Look, I get it.  If he kills Caesar in the middle of the movie, then it wouldn’t make for a good rest of the movie, but I dunno, maybe spice things up a bit?

Well, they did spice things up a bit.  They give us an adorable mute human girl (Amiah Miller) taken in by the apes, who’s like Aliens‘ Newt for a whole new generation!  And that plate faced orange ape Maurice steals the fcuking show and rocks the fcuking house being all smart and sensible and sensitive and juss all around awesome!!!  Oh, and we get a NEW talking ape (Steve Zahn), who’s like the perfect comic relief for a movie that doesn’t have much to laugh at or relief from endless violence!

This new saga covered the Genesis and Exodus of the apes, but where do we go from here?  Planet of The Apes: Leviticus!!!

Verdictgo: high end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Go ape for Apes today at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Bale of Hey

Out of the Furnace
Men of Steel Town
Official ‘Website’ | Trailers & Mo
R | 116 min

out of the furnace

There seems to be some kinda minor-renaissance of gritty American shoot-em-up flicks these days.  It’s like the 70s all over again, cept not really.  With the overload of superhero drivel and toy driven babble dominating theaters, this resurgence is a good thing, and change of pace, even if the results have been a little uneven.  Take last year’s Killing Them Softly – a lil flick trying so hard to be mad hard and mad cool (like Mads Mikkelsen), and make a statement or something, but missed the mark, and bored we to tears.  Then there was the The Place Beyond The Pines, which was too much of a good thing, cramming 3 movies into 1, when it probably should have dumped at least one of them, or just been 9 hours of Ryan Gosling riding bikes.  And now comes ‘s Out of The Furnace, which get high marks for acting, attitude, and appearance, but by the time it wraps up, I kinda was like, um, er, uh, that was it?  What exactly was all that for?

But hey, where else are you gonna see  smolder, with beautiful longerish hair, as an older brother’s keeper to misfit troublemaker  (he does his best work when he doesn’t open his mouth), and melt the heart , and go hunting with uncle , and listen to  try to sound like the dude with half a face on Boardwalk Empire, and see who can be more smiley & gruffy & tuffy betweenith  or ??????  WHERE ELSE YOU GONNA SEE THIS???  Even if the hunt and be hunted intensity that fills a majority of the film kinda fizzles out at the end, it’s gritty good enuff for me, and should be gritty good enuff for you too

Lil tidbit – the film takes place in the steel-mill town of Braddock, Pennsylvania, where a 1941 novel of a similar name – Out of This Furnace – also took place.  FURNACE THAT!!!!!!!!!

VerdictgoJeepers Worth A Peepers

Furnace smolders with acting in limited release, and soon at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Abraca-Blah-Blah

Now You See Me
Hand of Sleight
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 113 min

NYSM

I love magic.  I love movies. I love movies about magic.   I love movie magic.  I love , ,  & even  (when James is unavailable).  Wait, all of these things are in one movie????  HOW IS THIS A REAL MOVIE???  But don’t get too excited cause this thing they’re in was directed by , captain of the two Transporter movies + Clash of The Disaster + that 2nd Hulk movie everyone already forgot about.  And guess what, don’t get too excited in general, cause the result – Now You See Me – is an illusion of entertainment.  You’ll be tricked into being entertained, but really, the dupe’s on you, dope!  You somehow sit thru this inane routine, and the only thing that’s really vanishing is your time and money  

Sure, Now You See Me isn’t even on the same planet as the UMmazing Prestige or even the usey illusiony The Illusionist, BUT even though NYSM is totally refarted, it is totally totally watchable dumbitity, cause EISENBERG’S NOT STEALING FACEBOOKS! AND RUFFALO LOOKING UNSHAVED GRUFFALOOO!!!!  AND WOODY HARRELSON KNOCKING WOOD (not really)! AND ISLA IS SOOOOOOOOOOOO FINE!!! AND LAURENT IS ALSO SO FINE AND SO CUTE SPEAKING IN ENGRISH!!! AND MORGAN FREEMAN IS SO OLD AND WISE AND HIS SMILES MELT SCREENS AS HE COLLECTS ANOTHER PAYCHECK!! AND MICHAEL CAINE DOES AN AMAZING MICHAEL CAINE IMPERSONATION!!! AND DAVE FRANCO IS LIKE JAMES FRANCO BUT YOUNGER AND LESS LEARNDEDED!!!!  And in nothing roles, they threw in real actors to play them, like that guy , and , and that other that guy !!

There’s nothing up any sleeves here, but sometimes it’s OK to pull from the bottom of the deck/dreck cause WE’D WATCH THIS CAST DO ANYTHING, EVEN KNIT SWASTIKA SWEATERS!!!

Verdictgo: high end Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Now You See Me sees you today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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The Boring Lames

The Hunger Games
Hype-Hype Boo-Ray!!!
Official WebsiteTrailers & Mo
PG-13 | 142 min

Before we dig not so deep into this ‘review’, here’s a recap of our tweets with our immediate ‘thoughts’ on seeing the ‘movie’ version of Suzanne CollinsThe Hunger Games

– HUNGER GAMES???? more like BORING LAMES!!!!!!!! 999999real!!

– I love me some bad future movies above all other genres, but that was a not so good bad future movie. the future didn’t look bad enough.  apparently director Gary Ross has never seen a dystopian movie from the 70s

– There’s more excitement contained in 5 minutes of an AMERICAN GLADIATORS episode than there was in 7 hours of HUNGER GAME movieage

– HUNGER GAMES the movie hinges on Jennifer Lawrence‘s ability to emote. she can’t and the movie is thus emotionless

– HUNGER GAMES really needed some vampire baseball action.  [also] needed more boobs, fried chicken and ZODIAC

– things I liked about HUNGER GAMES – Stanley Tucci & his hair’s performance, Wes Bentley‘s devil beard, and the ending cause it meant movie was over

– I wish Katniss volunteered to watch THE BORING LAMES in my place

– I have a bad feeling that parents are going to start naming their kids Katniss and Peeta

– What happens in HUNGER GAMES sequel – Lenny Kravitz opens a salon? Kiefer Sutherland farms berries? Haymitch & Juliette Lewis go on a murder spree?

You are now exiting tweetville, and entering the ‘review’ of the ‘film’

As you can tell, we loved The Hunger Games!!!! NOT!!!!  But we didn’t hate it (PROMISE!).  We just don’t understand the appeal and big deal being made about this movie.  Sure, the books are probably bettererand morerer entertaining, but books are for people who can read, and movies are for people who like their stories wrapped up in 2 hrs so they can see more movies than you can read books.  Anywho, this is not a good movie.  It’s not bad, but it’s not good

Battle Royale, Running Man, blah blah blagg, you’ve heard it before, and again and somethen, but it’s true, The Hunger Games are lesser versions of them.  See those.  Don’t bother with HUNGER TAMED.  Why?  Cause there’s nothing to The Hunger Games movie.  There’s no danger (you know the heroine and her hero-ish friend Josh Hutcherson are gonna live), no drama (unless you’re concerned if bland-o Alexander Ludwig will ever act again), or any sense of anything (it’s like the future in one of them AT&T ‘You Will’ commercials with special FX that look like they were created on a Commodore 64.  no offense to those AT&T commercials, but that was the future according to the early 90s and the last time we checked, the early 90s are over)… and yet, it’s still sorta kinda watchable, even though the Games don’t start until 80+ minutes into it, and about 90 minutes needed to be cut from the whole thing

So what is good?  Tucci as that giddy Oompa Loompa looking TV announcer (it’s the only creepy cool thing about the entire movie, in a Richard Dawson Running Man awesome kinda way), Donald Sutherland‘s voice (duh), Elizabeth Banks‘ wardrobe (maybe?), the fact that Woody Harrelson is in it so young audiences will know of him for future movie going experiences (although he does better mentor work in Game Change, which also has morerer cutthroat gaming than anything in the con game that is The Hunger Sames), and Isabelle Fuhrman is in it too, although not nearly enuff.  She’s adorable, and was so evil in that movie where she was evil.  She’s not nearly evil enuff here, then again, nothing here is, and that is why we don’t HUNGER for these GAMES.  A movie about kids killing each other should be tense and scary and sinister, not none of the above!!!!

Oh, you wanted to know the plot?  It’s like a bad future America, although it doesn’t seem so bad.  It makes 1984 look like our actual 1984.  Every year there’s this big thing called The Hunger Games where a boy & a girl from each of the 12 districts are selected and compete in a water-downed Running Man Battle Royale so that people will like watch it on TV and not revolt or something.  So our girl in this game is some girl with a really stoopid name – Katniss, and the boy from her district is VelPeeta or something.  They aren’t exactly BFFs.  In some flashback, she was hungry and he threw her some bread in the mud, while it was raining!  OH MY!!!  BREAD!!!  MUD!!!!  RAINING!!!!  Anywho, the two get all like dolled up by make-up artists and get advice from drunk former winners and they be in the big city where trains are fast and it all looks like a shittier CGIier version of Coruscant, and all the people are kinda dressed like Clockwork Orange‘s singing sophisto lady from the TV station.  But before the games begin, the kids get trained in a zero-energy filled training sequence.  Then VelPeeta admits he has a crush on Katnipp, and then the games begin, and within like 2 minutes of the games, like 1/2 the kids are dead, and then the rest of the movie takes place in a forest, which isn’t very futuristic, and then they play cat and mouse games that aren’t amusing to anyone (involved or watching), and then Kattnappp whistles to birds, and then more kids die and then some don’t, then there’s a cave scene, and whatever, and then the games end.  CAN YOU GUESS WHO SURVIVE(s)!?!?!?!?!?!?

moral of the story – this could have been an awesome movie, but the guy who made Pleasantville not as awesome as it could have been does or DON’Ts it again.  this is the same guy who made Seabiscuit, and can’t remember much about it, cept there was a horse and Peter Parker rode it and they both overcame the odds to win the Hunger Games

even this shitty 80s movie about a bad future was more betterer and more evilier and more watchable than The Hunger Games, even though this movie is unwatchable

…But Seriously: this one still photograph has more bad future TV show deathgame beyond bestness than the entireness of the The Hunger Games movie

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit AND No Stinkin Badges

Games is currently running afoul at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

nope, this photo aint from Hunger Games either.  it’s from a real movie where kids gun down each other

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