Thighs Wide Shut

G.I. Joe: Retaliation
The Pryce Is Right, Everything Else Mostly Wrong
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 110 min

OMG OMG OMG, do you remember how much fun and awesome and dumb perfection and hotty hot hottness the first GI Joe movie was????  I DO!  I DO!!! It made The Transformer movies look more like a has-been trash-bin than the Hasbro heroes we grews up on. Well, they decided to make a sequel, and obviously they had nowhere to go but up, but apparently they decided to go down.  There were rumors that Wild Bill and Shipwreck & Tomax and Xamot(!!!!!!!) would get added to the respective good guy and bad guy crews, but they weren’t, and actually many of the cool characters from #1 were dumped.  They went ahead and filmed the movie, then delayed it by a year.  Apparently they wanted to convert it to 3-D (like anyone was really clamoring for that), and there were rumors that they wanted to un-kill off Channing Tatum’s Duke character.  Well, they still killed him, early in the film.  Yawn

So what’s the problem with the sequel, Retaliation??  I mean, Bruce Willis’ is in it!  Wait, he was in it?  I think he showed up for 10 seconds, smirked, took his check, and then checked out.   The dumb fun from #1 lost the ‘fun’ part of the equation on its way to becoming a #2.  There juss wasn’t much fun to be had, and moistly importantly, and sadly, hottness.  For some reason they dumped Sienna Miller‘s Baroness and Rachel Nichols‘s Scarlett.  That’s like making a sequel to Spring Breakers and replacing the four slutty hotties with four Joan Cusacks (nothing personal Joan).  UNACCEPTABLE!!!  How are Cobra gonna destroy the world and the Joes save it with less hottness???  I mean Adrianne Palicki as Lady Jaye is fine and all, but they didn’t even put her in pleather, or have her take a shower.  UNACCEPTABLE.  But there were ninjas, and briefcases, which kept things watchable, but when your most convincing and masterful performance is two Jonathan Pryces for the pryce of one, you know your GI Joe sequel isn’t as killer as you instinct. It kinda in-stinks.  But them briefcases!  And those ninjas!!!  Yes, those ninjas – Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow – need their own spin-off movie, and if they go that route, please have them ninja star the RZA to death within the first 2 minutes of the movie, and then have Scarlett and the Baroness shower together for the next 7 hours

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

GI Joe is a yo-no at a theater near jews 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Red Dawn (2012)
Woolite®verines
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 114 min

Sorry Dan Bradley, but you are no John Milius.  Sorry Chris Hemsworth, but you are no Patrick Swayze.  Sorry Josh Peck, but you are no Charlie Sheen. Sorry Adrianne Palicki, but you are no Jennifer Grey.  Sorry Isabel Lucas, but you are no Lea Thompson.  Sorry Josh Hutcherson, but you are no C Thomas Howell.  Sorry Connor Cruise, but you are no Darren Dalton (but you are the son of Tom Cruise!) (wait, who’s Darren Dalton?).  Sorry Jeffrey Dean Morgan, but you are no Powers Boothe (BUT WE STILL LOVE YOU!).  Sorry Brett Cullen, but you are no Harry Dean Stanton.  Sorry Chinese North Koreans, but you are no Russians. Sorry Red Dawn 2012, but you are no Red Dawn 1984.  It’s true.  More like it’s false!!!!

Red Dawn 2012, If you were named something else, like Yellow Dawn or Thor & Peta & That Girl From FNL Kick North Korean A$$, well, then maybe you wouldn’t be such a bad movie, cause you really AREN’T a bad movie, but since you’re calling yourself Red Dawn and are ‘trying’ to be a ‘fresh’ new take on the original Red Dawn, comparisons must be made, and plain and simple, there is no comparison.  Your movie may have more explosions, but your movie has zero of the heart & soul (and even scariness) of the original (which still holds up, btw!!!!!).  So what’s the point?

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Food, Folks & Gone: in the original RD, there were some scenes that took place in and around a McDonalds, as seen in the trailer & photos below, but they were cut from the final film, probably maybe because of the San Ysidro McDonald’s massacre that happened in the same year.  strange.  would have love to have seen them commies order a McVodka Flurry and have Patrick Swayze shove it in their faces!!!

Dawn of the meh rises at a theater near jews this Wednesday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Elektra Luxx
Ultra Suxxxxxxx
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

So, there’s this movie about a porn star with a heart of gold, and a pile of problems, played by everyone’s dream porn star Carla Gugino.  It co-stars the likes of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Marley Shelton, Timothy Olyphant, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Adrianne Palicki, Malin Akerman, Vincent Kartheiser, Lucy Punch, Justin Kirk, and even tosses in a cameo for Julianne Moore as the Virgin Mary!!  Woah, that’s a ton of foxy ladies and some choice-y male funsters, and it’s sorta about porn!!!  This could be sexy AND fun AND sexy fun!!! Right?

9,000,0,00000,00000,00% WRONG.  Within 2.3 minutes you can tell that this is dread on arrival.  How all these talented actors agreed to be in such a below-amateur production is more mind-boggling than playing Boggle against Dr Mindbender with only ‘Qu’ dice (see illustration at the bottom)!!!  And worst yet, apparently this is a sequel to a movie we’ve never heard of called Women In Trouble.  There must be something to the 1st one to warrant a 2nd pass, but we don’t even want to find out why, or even bother figuring out what secret info writer/director Sebastian Gutierrez has over these actors that he uses to blackmail them into acting in his greasy pieces of cruddddddddd.  There’s already rumblings about a 3rd movie called Women In Ecstasy, or more like AUDIENCE IN MISERY: PART 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Repent For Your Sins: you can make yer own Carla Gugino porn movie by A-B repeating her fine NSFW work in Sin City.  much easier on the eyes and ears than Luxxxxxxxx

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Luxx suxxxxxxxxxxxxx times like 9 bajillion in NY/LA/Boston & Seattle next Friday and hopefully nowhere after that

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

+ Boggle Black Letters photos!

+ Poggle The Lesser!