Tag Archives: Michael Sheen

Vampire Baseball Season Cancelled

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
Yawns Will Never Be Brokens!!!!!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 115 min

IT’S OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Spank god.  What a crap saga that there was.  Hope the girls really really really enjoyed it, cause everyone else with eyes and ears and any bit of sense knows that this was one giant waste of everything.  EVEN THE CREDITS WERE A WASTE OF CREDITS!!!!!!!!  How did I see every single one of these movies?  HOW!?!?!?!?  OK, we’ll admit that the first one was kinda fun, mainly cause there was…

VAMPIRE BASEBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but after Twilight 1, there was no more vampire baseball, and therefore no reason to care.  well, besides gawking at how hot Ashley & Jackson is were

we would rathBONE both of them, at the same time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  who wouldn’t?!????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????!!!??!

oh, so what about Breaking Yawn 2?  There were like Russian communist vampires and Irish vampires with worser Irish accents than the president of the Irish Spring Soap Company LLC LTD.  There are also like Amazon vampires, and like Arab vampires, and they’ve come from all corners of the world to help Bella (why does everyone and their mother and their mother and their mother have to help her?  WHO CARES ABOUT BELLA!?!?!??!  IF YOU LET HER DIE EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE!!!) and Edward’s daughter Renesmiameassance festival live and not die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Who wants her dead?  Oh, the Voltrons of Vatican Vampire City, who are led by Michael Sheen, who is so campy that he’s opening a summer camp of campy, but it’s nowhere near as campy or queer or awesomes as the summer campy camper van beethoven he brought in TRON 2

THIS JUST IN – TRON 2 WAS FCUKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this earth is so wrong that there’s like 9 Twilight movies and only 2 TRON movies!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: who cares, cause no vampire baseball = not worth rating

Twilight IS OVER, at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

2 Comments

Phappers & Flilosophers

Midnight In Paris
Well-Oiled Chime Machine
Official WebsiteTrailers & Mo
PG-13 | 100 min

We are all in love with the past, and never with the present.  There will always be some point in time and history that we’d rather be at than the here and now, no?  Oh, how super kick-a$$ it musta been to live and be in the American 6os, yes?  Who wouldn’t want to experience Beatlemania and watching a man walk on the moon first hand, maybe???!!!  That’s juss one of our idealized wishful time travel dreams, and for Woody Allen, apparently his is the roaring 20s of Paris, France

In his latest European yarn (ever single one of them, even Scoop, have been quality fare), Woodsie goes there (time and space), and his persona, and our guide, is played by the perfectly nebbish Owen Wilson.  He’s a scriptwriter trying to become a novelist, but he’s got writer’s block, a pushy fiancée (Rachel McAdams, reuniting with her Wedding Crashers pal) and ‘pedantic’ Michael Sheen (looks great with a beard) overbreathing knowledge down his neck.   So what’s the solution to all his modern 21st century problems?  Inspiration from his idols, but not from a distance, but directly from them.  You know, hactual hobnobbing with the likes of Hemingway (Corey Stoll), F Scott (Thor’s devilish bro Tom Hiddleston) & Zelda (Alison Pill) Fitzgearld, Gertrude Stein (Kathy Bates), Luis Buñuel, Man Ray, Salvador Dali (Adrien Brody), Alice B. Toklas, bullfighter Juan Belmonte, Cole Porter, Joséphine Baker, Djuna Barnes, T.S. Eliot, Henri Matisse and MORE!!!!

There’s no science involved in this fiction here, just sum magical jumping back 90 years into the past, without worrying about how that all works, or altering future BS worries, except for Owen’s own love interests (who wouldn’t fall for Marion Cotillard???)!  That’s right, Woody jumps into the time travelling game, and in all honesty, it’s one of the better films of the past couple of decades to do so, but with the help of a 1920 Peugeot Landaulet instead of a DeLorean.  88kmph?

If we could build a time machine and change one thing about this movie, we would somehow give the gifted Gad Elmaleh a little bit more to do.  He’s one funny fellow, and would hactually make a perfect French version of the Woodman.  We smell a Untitled French Woody Allen Film in here somewhere!

Something Is Rotten In Tomatoes: some say Paris is Woody’s best in decades.  those some peoples are entitled to their opinion (and they may not even be wrong), but have these and you people seen Casandra’s Dream, at least more than once????  even our initial review is wrong.  SH$T STILL HAUNTS US JUSS THINKING ABOUT IT!!!!  A-MAZINGGGGGGGGGG!

Verdictgo: enjoyable to the (sor)bon(n)e, so… Breast In Show

Paris je tames audiences currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment

Steven Lisberger Helper

TRON: Legacy
Mild Digital Penetration
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

You should care less what we, you and everyone we bloat thinks of the TRON sequel, delivered 28 years after its first light cycle. Only one man’s opinion counts and that’s Tron Guy‘s.  Slain and pimple, he loved the first one, and the rest of us didn’t really.  That’s what qualifies him above us, and he could straight-up tell us whether the 2.0 disc hits the target or strayed too far off the grid.  But Disney wanted nothing to do with Jay Maynard and his male camel toe, 5reals, and we haven’t yet heard him have his say even with that jilt, T-Guy still found the new one to be ‘In-f****ing-credible‘.  Do you really need to know anything else?  Do you????  You don’t cause nothing else matters but that man’s opinion, and happiness [his full review is HERE!!!]

But you want our opinion, right?  And?  And juss like the original, it’s breathtakingly boring.  Not necessarily a misfire, but not necessarily setting our minds ablaze (getting blazed before a showing is recommended).  In a byte-shell, it’s TRON 1 with better turb-grafx times 16.  That’s that.  OK, it’s a little bit more than that, like this…

Jeff Bridges is stuck in an old computer, but the computer aint no Jessica Tandy anymore, and so instead of doing stuff, he lives like an Obi-Wan-Lebowski hermit, cause his younger alter ego self runs shiz, and he has a clue, cause his name is Clu, and ya know what, it’s purty ammazin how far CGI has come from the Jar Jar stinkage to the curious case of Jeffrey Buttons’ younging in Legacy (see above photo)

so while Obi-Wan-Lebowski Flynn plots his next move, he engages in a lot of yoga and hangs out in a 2001 style glowing cave home

and occasionally, he’ll take a trip to the big A.I. city to catch his favorite discus team, The TRON Toe Maple Leafs!!!

but he stays away from the shady bars filled with overly hammy and overly glammy David Bowie fanatics like Michael Sheen, or something

but why would he want to stay home since Daft Punk isn’t playing there, cause they’re playing at the shady bar, that’s a lot less shady than the one filled with death stickers!!!!  btw, Daft Punk were the bestest characters in the whole movie.  9reals!!!  And anytime we hear their score used in the film, we sorta care about those bits, and when we don’t, we don’t.  if there’s one reason TRON 2 had to eggist, it was so that we the people could see what it would look like if Daft Punk DJed in the world of TRON!!!!!

and at the Daft Punk party, there are like wicked hot Metropolis machine-man women (below, Beau Garrett) that you’ll want to make love to, but they’re all about the 1s & 0s and less about 69s (it’s a Disney movie, for Pete’s dragon’s sake!)

but that matters little to Obi-Wan-Lebowski, cause his bland son Garrett Hedlund transported into the computer by way of his Dad’s old arcade that isn’t as dope as Funspot, but what is?  you can even play TRON there!!  (note to you-self: GO TO FUNSPOT b4 you die)

and so dad & son are finally reunited, and both totally want to get wet & Olivia Wilde with her faux-Louis Brooks do, and the three of them have to like save discs and get back to the real world or else!!! or something!!!!

but where’s Tron from TRON?  We see Scarecrow (Bruce Boxleitner), but only in the real world.  in the Tandy world, he’s there, but he isn’t, but he is.  And where’s Cindy Morgan????  Is Cindy the real Mrs King?

and what is the deal with James Frain being a 7th rate Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg???

The end!  OR IS IT??????????????

Oh wait, did we mention that Doogie Howser’s mom was in it?

Punk’d: there were a lot of fake Daft Punk TRON tunes floating about over the past year, and some of them were hactually really darn good

Verdictgo: how you feel about 1 will dictate how you feel about 2, and thus, for eye poppin technical wizardry alone, we say low low low low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

TRON legates at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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