Tag Archives: Twilight

Vampire Baseball Season Cancelled

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2
Yawns Will Never Be Brokens!!!!!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 115 min

IT’S OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Spank god.  What a crap saga that there was.  Hope the girls really really really enjoyed it, cause everyone else with eyes and ears and any bit of sense knows that this was one giant waste of everything.  EVEN THE CREDITS WERE A WASTE OF CREDITS!!!!!!!!  How did I see every single one of these movies?  HOW!?!?!?!?  OK, we’ll admit that the first one was kinda fun, mainly cause there was…

VAMPIRE BASEBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but after Twilight 1, there was no more vampire baseball, and therefore no reason to care.  well, besides gawking at how hot Ashley & Jackson is were

we would rathBONE both of them, at the same time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  who wouldn’t?!????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????!!!??!

oh, so what about Breaking Yawn 2?  There were like Russian communist vampires and Irish vampires with worser Irish accents than the president of the Irish Spring Soap Company LLC LTD.  There are also like Amazon vampires, and like Arab vampires, and they’ve come from all corners of the world to help Bella (why does everyone and their mother and their mother and their mother have to help her?  WHO CARES ABOUT BELLA!?!?!??!  IF YOU LET HER DIE EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE!!!) and Edward’s daughter Renesmiameassance festival live and not die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Who wants her dead?  Oh, the Voltrons of Vatican Vampire City, who are led by Michael Sheen, who is so campy that he’s opening a summer camp of campy, but it’s nowhere near as campy or queer or awesomes as the summer campy camper van beethoven he brought in TRON 2

THIS JUST IN – TRON 2 WAS FCUKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this earth is so wrong that there’s like 9 Twilight movies and only 2 TRON movies!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: who cares, cause no vampire baseball = not worth rating

Twilight IS OVER, at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


Wedding Your Pants

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
Can’t Spell ‘Saga’ Without ‘Sag’
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 117 min

More like making yawns!!!! It’s true. We get like an hour of wedding bliss bleeeech and a stoopid south of the equator funnymoon and then the rest is watching Bella LaGrossy replay the cross-species pregnancy and birthing that was done munch betterer and scarierier in V: The Final Battle.  Oh, you also get 5ever bitter herb Jacob wolfing out again, and complaining again, and Benedict Arnolding, and boring, and more boring

moral of the story: think there was like 5 minutes of good stuff and like 112 of like boring.  women will think the opposite, and that’s fine, cause they need all the shitty girly films that they can get their beautiful hands on

Painted Boobs: even our mom thinks Ashley Greene is a hotttttttttie

Verdictgo: Zero To No Merit AND No Stinkin Badges (it wasn’t entirely unwatchable, see ‘painted boobs’ above, even if no boobs in Yawn were actually painted)

Breaking Yawn does what it sez what it does currently in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1 Comment

Absduction By Subtraction

Wolfkid’s Got Nards
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

There are bad movies that are juss flat out bad, and then there are bad movies that are fun cause they are bad.  Abduction is fun bad.  It’s a movie that is played out rather seriously, but no viewer would possibly be able to take it seriously.  And if you take it for what it’s not, you might end up enjoying it, like we did… somehow.  IT’S TRUE!

We’ve always been on team Jacob (Taylor Lautner), THIS IS ALSO IT’S TRUE!!!, but the Twilight movies never let him win.  In Abduction he’s finally the center of brooding attention, fighting the good cheesy fight, and even gets the girl in the end.  Plus, this girl (Lily Collins) is far better looking, far less annoying, and doesn’t pine for undead dudes who play vampire baseball at dusk like someone one we all know and don’t care about!!!


Abduction‘s got some quality out of place talent on board (Maria Bello, Jason Isaacs, Alfred Molina, Sigourney Weaver), something resembling decently-ish directed hot action action (John Singleton, who’s gone from examining gun violence, to becoming a gun for hire), and sum well needed Amtrak Pittsburgh Pirates love (they might juss have the best font in all of sports), but it’s all undermined by a bumblepooped script (by Shawn Christensen).  Hard to tell if it read better as a script than how it sounded in a film, but there’s no way lines like ‘I hate balloons‘ was ever going to make much of a pop.  And who hates balloons anyways, besides maybe the boy in the plastic bubble??

Still, the clunky dialog, and in & outnane story (enrypted names on a phone or something with the wolfkid‘s dad that’s like a secret dad, which somehow also deals with nightmares about home gas attacks in Paris from the past, or something) hactually helps to make this nonsensical sensicalnon consensual nonsexual conjob watchable

Biggest benefactor of the cruddy verbiage is Dragon Tattooer Michael Mikael Blomkvist Nyqvist.  This tired & grumpy looking Swede was born to play a generic Eastern European baddie, but hopefully he’ll get better baddies to play in the years to come, or perhaps star in remakes of Daniel Craig movies

This film is thighly recommended for people who love thick eyebrows.  Everyone else – eye-browse at your own risk

Reprised Possession: we were blind-sided by Phil Collins’ daughter Lily in The Blind Side, and she will forevermore be stroking us with her invisible touch

Verdictgo: can’t believe we’re typing this but Jeepers Kinda Sorta Worth A Peepers

Abduction is lost and found at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed, but team Jacob isn’t…


Love Trying Angle

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
#3 Puts The ‘Sag’ In ‘Saga’
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Where did we leave off in the land of flighty, but fun Twilight [reviews of Twilight 1 & New Moon]? Bella sweated Edward, but Edward took off to work on his hair, so she was stuck hanging out with Jacob and his abs and his shirtless friends, and they did stuff together, and everyone got blue balls. Then Edward returned and Bella totally wanted to jump his bones, and Jacob got angry and hungry like the werewolf. Then Bella and Eddie Muster went to Italy where Dakota Fanning and some red-eyed Vamps did some slo-mo throwdowns. A marraige proposal is proposed and all the ladies in the theater swooned and were over the moon

And where does #3, Eclipse, with no actual eclipses, go from there? Nowhere new or interesting. Same ole story as #2 (still NO SEX!), cept no trips under the Tuscan sun, and Edward sticks and dicks around, prolonging this whole love triangle that really isn’t a love triangle cause Bella totally wants to be a vampire for no other reason than trying to be as hot as Ashley Greene is. Good luck with that plain jane Kristen Stewart!!! OK, we lied, there is some new stuff, like snow! and 8 second backstories of the Cullen kids, like that of Jasper/Jackson Rathbone (our favorite character in the series), when he was Texan during the Civil War or something, and for 5 minutes he speaks with a Texas twang, and then abandons it when someone offers him Texas toast with garlic on it, and how he was seduced by Catalina Sandino Moreno, and who wouldn’t want that to happen, but she’s gone in 60 seconds, and if we were in her presence, we’d blow a load in 60 seconds

Oh, and there’s a mounting battle between vampires and other vampires, and the werewolves want to help out, cause they hate the new vamps more than the old ones. And why is their a battle mounting? Cause Bryce Dallas Howard stole Rachelle Lefevre‘s job and they all want Bella and must have her, which apparently everyone in the Twilight universe done does as well, which makes no sense, cause there’s nothing special about her, besides her dad’s awful mustache. OK, we get how Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner would want to protect her, but why would their respective clans also care so dangs much? Wouldn’t life in the land of Forks be much easier is she was killed? Or what if she moved to Florida to live with her mom (Sarah Clarke)? Seems like some fun in the sun could do her well. And maybe new stuff could actually happen, like vampires surfing or werewolves playing beach volleyball. As for the battle, the vamps prep the wolves on how to take down other vamps, and no tension mounts, cause an hour passes before any actual fighting begins and then the fighting is over in about 4 seconds and then Bella and Edward make kisses faces in a field of flowers, while Jacob pouts and works on his abs.  The end.  More like the end of fun in this now overly repetitive saggy saga!!!

Women will love this third edition (lust w/o the lust), and men will juss wish they were watching True Blood, and we/me juss wanna get as far away from vampires as possible, and Anna Kendrick too. Her acting here was juss as lame as it was in her Oscar-nominated turn in Up In The Air. Where’s the justice people, and moist importantly, where’s the ludicrous vampire baseball??!!!!

Twilight Up Our Lives: here be two vampiressesesessses who needed more screentime/shower scenes…

Kirsten Prout


Monique Ganderton

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Eclipse slips, blips, with no nips today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


This Is List: 2010

our list wass suppose to hit handstands on January 1, but we got caught up in affairs of state and states of affair. if you have no idea what wears talksin abouts, neither do we, but we have a list that’s less Schindler and more of a worser version of The Post‘s ole in-out, in-out, with a dollop of Bruno‘s catty game


Amazon’s Kindle

Det John Kimble
Reducing One’s
Carbon Footprint

Encasing Loved Ones
in Carbonite

Coke Zero

Diet LSD

Jim Zorn

Roger Dorn

Death Panels

Death By Stereo

Jersey Shore

Pauly Shore

Five Guys

Fievel’s Girls


Conway Twitty

Max Yasgur’s Farm

Pepperidge Farm

David Keith

Keith David


‘The Safety Dance’

Justin Case


The Black Eyed Peas
any other kind
of pea you could
possibly think of

The UPS Guy

Ray Guy

Michael Jackson
Jack Michaelson

Pick Six

Sick Pix

Dan Brown

Lane Brown

Clooney Fatigue

Army Fatigues



Lady Gaga



Vai Sikahema

The Big Three

The Big Mick

Tiger’s Transgressions

Neil Young’s Trans

Tramp Stamps

Terence Stamp


‘That’s What
She Said’

‘What Would
Right Said Fred Do?”

Iko Iko Terrorism

and here’s what was In Oder Aus in the ‘006, the ‘007, the ‘008 and the ‘009

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