Thighs Wide Shut

It
It Hits The Fan
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 135 min

I’ve never read Stephen King’s book It. My mom did and I remember her telling me the plot as a kid and it scared the living fcuk out of me. Then came the TV mini-series in 1990. It was SO beast!! Dude, Tim Curry as Pennywise? That’s like some first ballot hall of fame work right there!!! So of course I was on board with a movie version. And Chapter 1? FAN-FCUKING-TASTIC. I loved it. It’s like what Stranger Things wishes it was!  And OMG, Bill SkarsgÃ¥rd took Tim Curry’s torch to the next level clown scary a$$ shiz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

OK, enuff about chapter 1.  I want to join in on the fun everyone else is having.  I want to cast the adult kids for It Chapter 2!

I choose these all on my own, but I found out that other people and sites had similiar idears, and sometimes I even stole their photo mock-ups.  thanks/sorry!!

Beverly Marsh

Sophia Lillis – Amy Adams

Sophia actually looks more like Kristen Wiig, but she doesn’t have the heart and soul of Amy Adams, who is any easy choice for adult Bev.  If they don’t nab her, there’s always Jessica Chastain.  And if she’s not down, there’s always Bryce Dallas Howard

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Bill Denbrough

Jaeden Lieberher – Michael Sheen

There are probably 392394924 people who could play Bill, but why not have the adult version played by the guy who played Jaeden Lieberher’s father on Masters of Sex – Michael Sheen.  He’s one of our most gifted actors, and it would be a gift to see what he does as B-B-B-B-Bill

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Ben Hanscom

Jeremy Ray Taylor  –  Jeff Cohen

If you don’t remember, Ben gets thin and does well for himself as an adult.  So they should lure Chunk from Goonies back into acting!!!!  Jeff ‘Chunk’ Cohen is now a happy lawyer, but I think he’d come full circle here as svelte Ben.  I also saw someone choose Jerry O’Connell which would accomplish the same thing – chubby Verne from Stand By Me growns up and gets mad ripped! 

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Richie Tozier

Finn Wolfhard – Winona Ryder

I know Winona Ryder plays Will’s mom on Stranger Things, but she also sorta looks like she could be Mike Wheeler/Finn Wolfhard’s mom too!  So why not have her play an adult version of him in It 2???  Wait, you say she’s a woman and she’d be playing a man?  Dude, she’s looked like Lukas Haas for eons and probably could have played any role he ever had 328238238383 times betterer!!!

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Eddie Kaspbrak

Jack Dylan Grazer - Fred Savage

Since we’re getting creative AND stunted with our casting, why not make Fred Savage the adult Jack Dylan Grazer.  Wide-eyed and wimpy.  Plus there’d be a movie where Chunk and Kevin Arnold are friends!  It’s like my dream life!!!  Although, if we had the ability to time travel any actor in time to play the role, I’d go with Frankie Darro

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Mike Hanlon

Chosen Jacobs - Chadwick Boseman

I’m sorry, but Chadwick Boseman should be cast to play anyone and everyone.  He could play all 7 adults in It 2.  I mean, they should cast him to play David Duke and he’d fcuking nail it.  He would.  Chadwick Boseman is the best

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Stan Uris

Wyatt Oleff – David Moscow

You may have forgotten all about the kid who played the small version of Tom Hanks in Big, but I never did.  Probably cause one of my dear friends is his doppelganger, but juss cause you forgot about Josh Baskin/David Moscow doesn’t mean he can’t play Stan Uris.  And if you know anything about adult Stan Uris, you know that he may not have a lot of screentime, so David Moscow would be juss fine!!

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Get On Up
Soul Brother # Won
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 138 min

I know who James Brown is. Lucky to have seen him in concert, TWICE! Perhaps today’s kids aren’t all up on their Godfather of Soul knowledge – and hence the need for dem to GET ON UP on it, as suggested by the talking head testimonial trailer singing his singing praises, that’s been used more as this biopic’s trailer than its own actual trailer. Well, regardless if you know JB or don’t, your probably won’t learn much about him in Tate Taylor‘s (The Help) lively, but information-free Get On Up

Funk don’t quit, even if the funk is uninformative

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Jersey Boys
Oh What A Blight!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 134 min

There’s nothing more cheesy than the Jersey Boys musical. That is until I encountered the movie version of the musical, directed by the ‘musical’ Clint Eastwood, which reveals JUSS how cheesy the musical is, when you add in close-ups and sets and things and stuff

Oh Gyp DeCarlo. Oh Gyp. Oh Gyp. OH GYP!!!! Who Gyp? He’s some gangster guy played by Christopher Walken, who solves everyone’s problems, like the ‘problems’ the Four Seasons encounter. These problems? That the band’s founder Tommy DeVito is bad with money, and that the guy who plays him – Vincent Piazza – may be bad at acting. Or maybe Tommy DeVito IS an actual walking Italian-Jersey stereotype and Vincent Piazza is playing him perfectly. But who cares, cause the whole thing’s cheesy, so Jimmy, give me a pizza wit NUTTIN

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Verdictgo: both Jeepers Worth A Creepers

The Boys – Get On Up at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

42
Artful Dodgers
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 128 min

42 – the story of Jackie Robinson(‘s first year in the majors) – is exactly like Trouble With The Curve, except 42 is really dang good and Curve is really stupid, and instead of an crotchety old man played by Clint Eastwood, we get an old man who sounds like he’s crotchety played by Harrison Ford, and instead of Justin Timberlake being the würstest wannabe play by play announcer of balls thyme we have John C McGinley eloquently barbing like Red Barber, and instead of Amy Adams looking not hot, cause she’s kinda plain like plain yogurt on a plane, we get Nicole Beharie who makes us want to bat our eyes and bunt our balls, and instead of a bunch of dumb actors playing baseball players, we have Chadwick Boseman totally chad wicking the bose as Jackie Robinson, MAN!!!!  Wait, what am I even talking about?  STEAL SECOND!

42 could have been a cornball flick about a dude who did important stuff, like being the first black dude to play major league baseball in a sea of nuttin but whitey fords, but it wasn’t corny at all (ok, so there was a LIL corny-corny-ness-ness, like when a lil black boy in the grandstands says cheesy corny corny cheesy things, but it’s OK, cause he meant well, and the kid didn’t write the corncheeseball dialog).  And even if Harrison Ford hams it up, wrapped in bacon, it’s his (Branch Rickey) story as well, cause he had the balls to put a black dude with white dudes (like Pee Wee Herman Reeses Pieces Lucas Black!), cause he wanted to win, and he knew that white dudes suck at sports.   It’s true  (apologies to white people).  So Rickey/Ford & Robinson/Boseman take chances on each other, and make giant leaps, and the audience is so hooked, lined, and sinker-balled, that we never want them to land, and when they do, they’re safe at home, cause they scored, and we cheered!!  Go home team!!  Especially the home team with the one black dude and 38832 crappy white players!!

The movie doesn’t take risks, but it still rewards.  Nice work Brian Helgeland, although I’m sure somewhere Spike Lee wants to bat your face in cause yer a white guy doing a movie about Jackie Robinson, but Jackie Robinson is not juss a black story, it’s a black AND white AND read all over story.  It’s a story of us, the US-A.  We’re not perfect, but sports is where we level our playing field.  Are there any other sports puns I can make?  Christopher Meloni balks and talks, and Alan Tudyk clears the benches, by doing the mos thankless acting job in the movie – being really really realy racist to Jackie while he was trying to hit a baseball.  Well, Tudyk’s character and racism STRUCK OUT, cause black, yellow, red and white dudes all play baseball together, and it’s awesome, especially when the Ws are mad curlied

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Worth A Peepers

42  adds up at a theater near jews this Friday 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…