It
It Hits The Fan
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 135 min

I’ve never read Stephen King’s book It. My mom did and I remember her telling me the plot as a kid and it scared the living fcuk out of me. Then came the TV mini-series in 1990. It was SO beast!! Dude, Tim Curry as Pennywise? That’s like some first ballot hall of fame work right there!!! So of course I was on board with a movie version. And Chapter 1? FAN-FCUKING-TASTIC. I loved it. It’s like what Stranger Things wishes it was!  And OMG, Bill SkarsgÃ¥rd took Tim Curry’s torch to the next level clown scary a$$ shiz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

OK, enuff about chapter 1.  I want to join in on the fun everyone else is having.  I want to cast the adult kids for It Chapter 2!

I choose these all on my own, but I found out that other people and sites had similiar idears, and sometimes I even stole their photo mock-ups.  thanks/sorry!!

Beverly Marsh

Sophia Lillis – Amy Adams

Sophia actually looks more like Kristen Wiig, but she doesn’t have the heart and soul of Amy Adams, who is any easy choice for adult Bev.  If they don’t nab her, there’s always Jessica Chastain.  And if she’s not down, there’s always Bryce Dallas Howard

–

Bill Denbrough

Jaeden Lieberher – Michael Sheen

There are probably 392394924 people who could play Bill, but why not have the adult version played by the guy who played Jaeden Lieberher’s father on Masters of Sex – Michael Sheen.  He’s one of our most gifted actors, and it would be a gift to see what he does as B-B-B-B-Bill

–

Ben Hanscom

Jeremy Ray Taylor  –  Jeff Cohen

If you don’t remember, Ben gets thin and does well for himself as an adult.  So they should lure Chunk from Goonies back into acting!!!!  Jeff ‘Chunk’ Cohen is now a happy lawyer, but I think he’d come full circle here as svelte Ben.  I also saw someone choose Jerry O’Connell which would accomplish the same thing – chubby Verne from Stand By Me growns up and gets mad ripped! 

–

Richie Tozier

Finn Wolfhard – Winona Ryder

I know Winona Ryder plays Will’s mom on Stranger Things, but she also sorta looks like she could be Mike Wheeler/Finn Wolfhard’s mom too!  So why not have her play an adult version of him in It 2???  Wait, you say she’s a woman and she’d be playing a man?  Dude, she’s looked like Lukas Haas for eons and probably could have played any role he ever had 328238238383 times betterer!!!

–

Eddie Kaspbrak

Jack Dylan Grazer - Fred Savage

Since we’re getting creative AND stunted with our casting, why not make Fred Savage the adult Jack Dylan Grazer.  Wide-eyed and wimpy.  Plus there’d be a movie where Chunk and Kevin Arnold are friends!  It’s like my dream life!!!  Although, if we had the ability to time travel any actor in time to play the role, I’d go with Frankie Darro

–

Mike Hanlon

Chosen Jacobs - Chadwick Boseman

I’m sorry, but Chadwick Boseman should be cast to play anyone and everyone.  He could play all 7 adults in It 2.  I mean, they should cast him to play David Duke and he’d fcuking nail it.  He would.  Chadwick Boseman is the best

–

Stan Uris

Wyatt Oleff – David Moscow

You may have forgotten all about the kid who played the small version of Tom Hanks in Big, but I never did.  Probably cause one of my dear friends is his doppelganger, but juss cause you forgot about Josh Baskin/David Moscow doesn’t mean he can’t play Stan Uris.  And if you know anything about adult Stan Uris, you know that he may not have a lot of screentime, so David Moscow would be juss fine!!

–

Nocturnal Animals
Whatturnal Whatttttttttt????
Official Site| Trailer & Mo
R | 116 min

If David Lynch had his name attached to whatever Nocturnal Animals is, then we’d all be saying – woah – this David Lynch movie is pretty slick!

But it’s a Tom Ford movie.  And what does that mean?  We only have one movie to compare it against – his debut, A Single Man, a movie I apparently liked a lot, but the only thing I can remember about that movie were those Michael Caine 60s glasses that Colin Firth wore

And what will I remember about Tom Ford’s second movie?  I dunno, it’s a book within a movie, and reality and fiction are blurred, or something?  Or that Amy Adams is dolled up like an anorexic sexy raccoon? Jake Gyllenhaal still has crazy eyes, but they’re not crazily as used or as good as they were peeping in Nightcrawler (the movie you should see in lieu of Animals)?  There’s a bunch of really really really REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY obese naked women dancing in the opening credits?  Michael Shannon looking like the Marlboro Man?  Aaron Taylor-Johnson sounding like he’s trying out a Texas twang for the first time ever as an actor?  Isla Fisher is sorta in it?  Armie Hammer is also sorta in it??  OR THAT EVERYONE IN THE MOVIE (besides Isla Fisher) HAS BLUE EYES????  

I dunno, there’s something to this movie, but I can’t put my finger on it, and the ending was an open ended ending, and while I sometimes like things left open ended, this was a movie that needed a definitive ending.  The end! (for me and this movie!)

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Animals needs to be tamed – at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Big Eyes
Pretty (Brutal) As A Picture
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

Margaret Keane made some pretty freaky looking art in the 60s – you know, those ones with them kids with giant scary eyes. Well, apparently during the height of the paintings’ fame and fortunes, it was her husband, Walter Keane, who took ALL the credit for creating them, while Margaret kept a blind eye and muted mouth, perpetuating the lie.  Eventually she had had enough of the lies, and Walter, and went public with the truth.  Tim Burton‘s Big Eyes tells this story, and while I guess it’s a story that should be told, it’s not an enjoyable one to listen to whatsoever

Big Eyes is zero fun to watch.  That doesn’t mean that Burton didn’t do the job visually – in fact, the 60s hazy glow, and Keane’s painting all shine bright (and worth most of the price of admission), but the story behind the easel is juss too much to deal with.  But if you’re super into Christoph Waltz being a smarmy jerk to Amy Adams for slightly over and hour and a half, then stare wide at Big Eyes!  (and listen to Lana Del Rey’s amazing song!)

Verdictgo: very very mild Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Eyes blink currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Her
OS Oh Yes! 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 119 min

Spike Jonze is so fcuking creative.  Maybe he needs lotsa time to be so fcuking creative.  And if so, is that why he’s only made four movies since 1999?  And if that so is so, so what?  If he’s gonna keep delivering mind-bending/blowing cinema, then please, take yer jolly a$$ time Spike!  His latest Her is just another grand notch on his ultra-cool, ultra-crazy filmmaking belt.  The difference with this flick vs his other works is that this one’s 111% the vision of Jonze, as he wrote the script from scratch himself

I for one am obsessed with technology.  I can’t keep my fingers off my phone (and my fiancee, but she doesn’t always do what I tell her to do :).  Jonze knows this (not about me, but about all of us), and he sees our relationships with our computers (in the near future) growing even closer, for worse AND for better.  His Her is a new computer operating system unlike anything that came before it, in our reality, and even in cinema’s fantasies.  Before Her, there was the artificial intelligence that was Metropolis‘ Maschinenmensch, 2001‘s HAL-9000, Tron‘s Master Control Program, WarGames‘ WOPR, and in body form, A.I.‘s David.  You can see what direction these movie AIs have been going – less evil, more human-like, more helpful, and more lovable (yet always creepy!!).  Woah, Spike, you just unknowingly made a sci-fi epic, without being at all sci-fi-y!

Joaquin Phoenix is our end user Theodore Twombly, a lonely, thoughtful and misunderstood soul looking for someone to talk to, and to fill the void of his recently lost love life.  When he purchased his new operating system, simply named OS1, little did he know that he was about to embark on another rollercoaster of love and all that comes with it.  OS1, with the voice of Scarlett Johansson, gives herself the name Samantha, and Theodore a new lease on life.  She grows as a learning computer, and he grows closer to ‘her’ with every byte, and they ultimately and completely fall in love with one another.  But can a man fall in love with his computer?  Well, in 2009, a man married a video game character, so why couldn’t this happen?  The love in Her feels true, but remains so unnervingly creepy to us (there’s a scene that cuts to moments of black, which will make you feel beyond awkward), but in this near future landscape, it’s more acceptable than it is frowned upon

Do we want this bad good bad future to happen?  To be honest, I don’t want anything in Spike Jonze’ head to become real, but I want to keep on seeing what he sees, cause only he could make a make-up-less Amy Adams seem sexier than she did being half-naked in American Hustle

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Clothing Jonzeing: now you can dress like it’s the near future too, with Opening Ceremony’s Her inspired line!

Her boots up currently at a theater near jews

(this was the last movie we needed to see before coming up with our best of ’13 list. sorry Phil O Meana & Nebraska, there juss aint time to see you)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

American Hustle
Hustle & (Mostly) Blows
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 129 min

American Hustle sorta tells the story of the Abscam FBI sting operation that took place in the late 70s/early 80s. Some of the names (and details) have been changed to protect the imbeciles. Some of it is entertaining, but most of it is like one REALLLLLLLLLLY long run on sentence that keeps on going and going and going.  Director David O Russell and writer Eric Singer swing for Goodfellas-ian heights, but kinda blows it like 2001’s Blow – all 70s scenery, but not much beyond the sniffy, sweaty surface.  But oh, those surfaces…

like…

hey, if you’ve always wanted to see 1/3rd of good-too-shoes Amy Adams‘s boobs (I never wanted to), then this is the boobie/movie for you!

or see Jeremy Renner smile in a movie, for the first time ever!!!

or be depressed watching Bradley Cooper give his all again (this time with curls!!!), and think about how much bullsh!t it was that he didn’t win best actor Oscar last year for the much better Silver Linings Playbook

and then watch his Oscar-winning co-star J-bLaw blah us to death with her blah acting and eyes that bore her and we to tears

or JO to the thought of a mustache ride from Jack Huston!!!

or watch Alessandro Nivola steal the show, in like a grand total of 6 minutes that he’s in the movie

and look, we all LOVE Louis CK and all, but lets face it, he can’t act

THE ARABIC VERSION OF ‘WHITE RABBIT’!!!

but nothing and nobody tops Christian Bale as a combed-over, hairy chested, big gutted Jewish dude, who hides behind those tinted shades OH SOOOOO WELLL.  BALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Man, CB is such a fcuking great actor.  So much so that I’m starting to think that the Batman movies were a waste of his time.  Anyone can be Batman (I’m sure even Affleck can’t ruin Batman), and since anyone can, we lost the time that Bale coulda been in other movies, like ones were he coulda played some overly intense mother-effer, who’s quietly ready to explode at any given moment.  Bless you Bale.  May you be ready to smolder at any given moment in a zillion movies to come

Verdictgo:  Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hustle American’t currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…