The Wolf of Wall Street
The Mighty Jordan Belfortification 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 179 min

Marty Scorsese made Goodfellas, arguably one of the greatest films ever made (I say even better than The Godfathers!), then directed a bunch of other stuff that wasn’t as grrrrrrrrrreat, then dropped Casino on us, which was not AS grrrrrrrrrreat great as Goodfellas was is, but what movie really is????, but it was so fcuking RAWesome and so close to being as grrrrrrrrrreat, but then he did a bunch of other movies that were good, but nothing like either of those two grrrrrrrrrreat and almost AS grrrrrrrrrreat masterpieces.  Well, the 18 year wait has paid off with The Wolf of Wall Street, which is not AS grrrrrrrrrreat as Casino, but oh so fcuking close to being so, and oh so fcuking RAWesome in its own right.  Bless you Marty.  BLESS YOU!!!!!!!!!

If you don’t know by now, Wolf is the VERY true story of Jordan Belfort, a small time scheming stockbroker who hit it big, at the expense of his clients.  Then lost it big, at the expense of those who helped him get there.  Jordan lived a life of BEYOND excess, and the film, adapted by Terence Winter from Belfort’s two books, displays this excess, and is excessive itself – clocking in at 1 minute under 3 hours!!!  And yet, not a single one of those manic, lude-filled minutes is wasted, even if Belfort, in the form of Leonardo DiCaprio, is wasted for about 96% of the movie  

Earlier this year, we saw DiCaprio live the extravagant life of another Long Island schemer, from another Wall Street friendly era, as the title Jay guy in Baz Luhrmann’s equally spastic The Great Gatsby. He was mainly reserved, with the energy and anger welled up, and his performance was udderly fantastic.  In Wolf, he’s the same guy, cept there’s nothing being reserved.  It’s all out on the table, being snorted, and then some (candle in the butt!!!) – marking DiCaprio’s single greatest performance (and dancing, see gif below) to date, which is some feat considering the list of unforgettable performances he’s handed in (Arnie from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Howard Hughes in Marty’s The Aviator, and Mr Hoover in Eastwood’s underpraised/loved J Edgar)

Anywho, DiCaprio aint alone in making this a Scorsese pic score and a must sese.  There’s his right-hand toothy man who does his in-office dirty work - Jonah Hill (this kid can’t fail), his other right-hand man who does his out-of-office dirty work - Jon Bernthal (perfect as a meathead muscle), bitchy trophy wife - Margot Robbie (being VERY NSFWlicious), dad Rob Reiner (Rob fcuking Reiner!!!), the wolf hunting FBI agent - Kyle Chandler (LOVE LOVE LOVE seeing his face on the big screen), sleazy mentor – Matthew McConaughey (remember when he wasted his and our time starring in endless crappy movies?), swifty Swiss banker - Jean Dujardin (The Artist CAN talk), and every single one of Belforts underlings (with names changed to protect godknows who), and in particular, the bespectacle and bestpect-o-cool PJ Byrne

Wolf is like a third-rate Goodfellas, which means it’s a first rate picture of this year, which means it’s one of the best of 2013.  TEEN WOLF THAT SHIZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show Wolf is howls at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Dallas Buyers Club
Membership Has It’s Privileges – Avoiding Death
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 117 min

Ron Woodroof was a real man, with a real mustache.  He did chicks & drugs, drank an a$$load, and was a rodeo hard rider – a true Dallas cowboy.  But how can a cowboy avoid being negative by being HIV positive?  Woodroof contracted the disease in 1985, when a diagnosis of such basically = death, but he refused his death sentence.  No cure exists, and barely any treatments did back then, but Woodroof took the bull by the horns on his own, and tried to get better, by any means possible – barely legal and beyond illegal.  When America and the FDA provided no answers or help, Woodfroof sought out his own treatment south of the border, and headed back up north with a trunkload of supplies to help himself and others.  He formed a club, where a paid membership came with free drugs.  It’s like Robin Hood with AIDS drugs, for a profit, where no one really wins!

Based off of Dallas Morning News‘ Bill Minutaglio’s 1992 article, Jean-Marc Vallée‘s Dallas Buyers Club chronicles Woodroof’s struggle with being a straight man contracting such a ‘gay’ disease, and how he fought it at every turn.  Matthew McConaughey plays Woodroof, inside and outside – from the twang, the stache, down to the being as skinny as humanly possibles, which is basically a skeleton with 1 cm of skin.  WOAH.  And McConaughey plays the living SH!T outta this character.  He usually does of any character, but we sometimes forget this, cause sometimes he’s starring in garbage romantic comedies with Goldie Hawn’s daughter.  Joining him on the ‘fun’ are a sympathetic nurse, blaaaaaaaaaah-ly played by the always blah Jennifer Garner, and Jared Leto as a transsexual club employee AND member, that you won’t soon un-re-member.  Also, there are about 3 other actors with awesome MUST-staches that are a MUST see in their own right!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

enroll in the Club – currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Bernie
Saint Misbehavin
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 104 min

The true dark story of rich old lady killer Bernhardt ‘Bernie’ Tiede is charmed up with a giant wide Texas smile by Richard Linklater by way of Jack Black with a mustache and a jacked-up waistline.  Played sorta for laughs, but not really all that funny, this black comedy is more like a gray ho-hum that eeks along solely on Jack Black’s ability to keep up a sweet face from beginning to end.  Shirley MacLaine is the old lady, and outside of a scene of her chewing, she doesn’t do much scenery chewing.  Matthew McConaughey, in 80s bidness man glasses, is all bidness, and the only man in the tiny town who seems to think that Bernie’s capable of evil.  Everyone else rants and raves about Bernie and his good deeds (deeded with her money) in a faux-documentary style that makes you wish they had juss made an actual documentary instead of making a movie that barely berns

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Bernie flickers in limited release

still, this poster is tres bestest

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…