Thighs Wide Shut

Chernobyl Diaries
Where It’s Kinda (Pripy)at
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 86 min

We siht you not, but touring Chernobyl is something we’ve semi-dreamed of doing.  Sounds stoopid, but people do it, and now it’s the premise for a movie, and of course we had to see this movie, cause it’s like a semi-dream come true!  Chernobyl is a nuclear power plant, and Pripyat is the adjacent city where the workers and their families lived.  When disaster stuck, the people left Pripyat and never returned.  It’s a ghost town permanently stuck in 80s USSRness.  How would anyone NOT want to go and visit that?!?!?  And how could this not make for a killer movie??!?!

The first half of Chernobyl Diaries, when our protagonists travel to and walk around Pripyat (obviously they didn’t actually film there, but they did a great job of make a faux version of the city!!!), is eggzactly what we were looking for in a Chernobyl movie - eeriness, mysteriousness, creepiness, and bordering on outright scarinessness.  Then when siht goes wrong, and when the movie turns into a pseudo-horror fest, the movie goes wrong.  Not exactly wrong in terribleness, but juss wrong to the just right that came before it.  The scarinessness they jam in our faces isn’t all that scary.  That’s part of the problem, cause empty Chernobyl/Pripyat itselfves is enuff scary that a movie about Chernobyl/Pripyat  doesn’t require additional lame scares that aren’t scary

moral of the story - Chernobyl Diaries is a basic dumb horror movie with a killer premise with much promise.  the promise is partly there, and the rest is a basic dumb horror movie.  One lil thing that was hugely lacking was a bit more backstory of the disaster.  Doubt the kind of people seeing this kind of movie are overly familiar with that kinda history.  The backstory IS the story, not some tourist kids being stuck in a place where no one wants to be stuck

Dark Shadows
Not Awful!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 113 min

Since Ed Wood, Tim Burton has made one really really good Tim Burton movie (Sleepy Hollow) and one really really really good non-Tim Burton movie (Big Fish).  The rest have been a waste of his talent and our time.  The remakes have been especially poor, so one doesn’t expect much of a TV remake, right?  Semi-wrong.  His Dark Shadows might not exactly be a return to form, but it’s more of a return to Burton norm, and even with a not so hot third act, this is still a good sign, and a decent movie to boot.  Johnny Depp & co sizzle with the material, and it’s a lot of fun, until the material sizzles out, and then it’s not as fun

btw, not a huge fan of blue eyes, but we want to make love to Bella Heathcote‘s baby blues.  btw, Dark Shadows neeeded like 8812838266363636% more Bella Heathcote and her eyes!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: despite weak endings, the beginnings warrant low low low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Chernobyl and Shadows shed light to the darkness at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Moonrise Kingdom
Merit Badger
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 94 min

Moonrise Kingdom might juss be the mos Wes Andersonian Wes Anderson movie there ever was was.  Instead of adults acting like kids, MK has kids (LOTS OF THEM!) acting like kids!  Instead of modern folks wearing vintage threads, using out of date audiovisual equipment and reading crusty old looking books, it’s of the day folk (1965) wearing threads, using audiovisual equipment and reading new looking books that will all eventually become vintage!  It’s got characters with character names that have more character than this restaurant.  Names like Gadge, Lazy Eye, Nickleby, Skotak, Lionel, Roosevelt, Izod, and Redford give the Tenenbaums & Steve Zissou & Raleigh St Clair & et al a run for their precious money.  It even has a ski-capped Bob Balaban as an on-screen narrator.  CAN WE GET ANY MORE ANDERSONIAN THAN THAT!  Oh, and it’s got kids who have absent parent figures.  Oh, and Bill Murray and Jason Schwartzman are in it. Oh, and the film’s color looks like it was filmed with Instagram.  Wait, did Wes Anderson invent Instagram?

So is being the mos Wes Andersonian Wes Anderson movie there ever was was a great, good or bad thing?  To be perfectly honest, we have yet to make up our mind, and have already resigned ourselves to the fact that we probably need to see this flick again before delivering a real final verdict.  Well, if we want to see it again, that’s gotta mean this shiz is f#$king the biz-quick, yo!  Right?  Well, it’s definitely not the biz-quick, but it’s certainly not the limited Darjeeling Limited neither.  Moonrise Kingdom has a lot of heart, which is a wonderful quality for any movie to have (it’s what made MiB3 totally watchable!), but that heart didn’t somehow penetrate our own heart.  We’re not heartless (unless we’re talking Clooney or Apatow), but we juss couldn’t give our complete love and devotion to Moonrise Kingdom.  Maybe we’re still jaded with the Andersonian world, which started with Zissou, and kinda had a reprieve with his Fantastic Mr Fox, but Moonrise puts Anderson right back in Andersonland, and it feels like we’ve sorta been here, done that before

True, Wes (with writing help from Roman Coppola) has never given us a boy scout adventure, but he has taken us to an island before, treated us to amateur theater, and had kids write letters and read them aloud.  Since it’s been there/done that territory, gonna briefly explain the plot in Andersonian terms: A less annoying Max Fischer (Jared Gilman) has found his Rushmore, not in the Khaki Scouts (led by scoutmaster Edward Norton), but in the eyes of a girl that reeks of young Margot Tenenbaum (Kara Hayward).  Things stand in the way like un-understanding parents (Murray, Frances McDormand), but that won’t stop faux Max from carrying out his well laid out plan. (which would make Bottle Rocket‘s Dignan proud) of escaping with his beloved young Margot.  (this flick reminds us of the kids in love movie Melody).  Cuteness and zaniness ensues, and Bruce Willis, Harvey Keitel, and Tilda Swinton pop up, but don’t really stand out.  Then the movie gets Andersonianish and so on and so forth.  Roll credits

moral of the story – like we said, hard to make a final judgement without seeing it a 2nd time, but that has gotta be a somewhat good sign, since we didn’t even want to bother seeing Zissou or Darjeeling a second time.  but why didn’t it hit us on the first time?   have we had enuff of Andersonian stuffs? well, we could never get enuff of his 2nd to none production design, but how many times can we sit thru the same basic movie but with different vintage threads, audiovisual equipment and old crusty books?  dunno, probably like 5 more times, AND THEN THAT’S IT ANDERSON!!!

Quiet Riot: this is where that was

you love movies, so why aren’t you following Quiet On The Sets???

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers?  Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers?

Moonrise rises today in NY/LA only, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Men In Black 3
Third Is The Word
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

No one usually asks for thirds, but that never stopped Hollywood from serving triple helpings of anything that will automatically bring in the bucks.  You can’t fault the cash grab of a third Men In Black, with all the principal players in place, but is this something people really need?  Turns out we do.  Apparently there’s more to the relationship of Agent J and K than any of us could have ever imagined, which makes Men In Black 3 not only watchable, but totally watchable!!!  IT’S TRUE!!!

MiB3 starts off with the usual inane silliness of J & K hunting down gross aliens and then returning to their stark white offices to do office stuff, but then things get more interesting.  Main bad guy alien Jemaine Clement jumps into the past with aims of maiming the man (Tommy Lee Jones) who done him wrong, so Will Smith has no choice but to follow him back in time so things don’t go bad in the future!!!  Fish out of waterness ensues, Mad Men clothes are sported, and Michael Stuhlbarg acts weirderer than his screen brother Richard Kind did in A Serious Man  

This means Tommy Lee Jones is younger, and Josh Brolin brilliantly plays/imitates him as young version of Tommy Lee Jones.  Genius!  Will Smith imitates himself and it’s all basically juss a MiB movie that takes place in the 60s.  So far, so passable.  BUT then things get really really interesting!  They do!  Not gonna say how or why, but it comes at the end, and makes the whole thing well worth sitting thru.  Even if we have to endure the brief presence of toothy Alice Eve and her toothy teeth, pretending to be a younger Emma Thompson.  What is it about Alice Eve?  Why is she becoming a go to actress? Does she have dirty pictures of every studio head in Hollywood?  Or do these studio heads have a teeth fetish?

moral of the story – we didn’t need it, no one really asked for it, but as third movies go, Barry Sonnenfeld semi-sorta has us asking for more!  how is this possible? these movies are really nuttin but stupid fun.  But #3 is more than stupid fun.  WHY?  we’ll tell you why – this movie ends up having more heart than Mola Ram’s hands done does in a year!!  AND THAT’S A LOT OF HEARTSES!!!

Warhol of Fame: it was the 60s, so of course Andy Warhol makes an appearance in the flick, with the help of Bill Hader.  Below is our movie Warhol of Famers who have admirably donned the leather jacket, sunglasses and white wig, including new member Hader

watch Guy Pearce + Jared Harris + David Bowie + Crispin Glover pop art

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

MiB3 is outta this world, in our world, this Friday, at  a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Dictator
Autocratic For The People
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 83 min

We’re Sacha Baron Cohen fan #1, or somewhere close to it.  (Along with Ricky Gervais,) we believe Sacha to be one of the funniest people alive.  If you’ve delved into Da Ali G Show, cackled endlessly via Borat, or squirmed thru Brüno, you have to agree.  If you don’t, you don’t know what funny is.  Truly, you don’t.  Those films and da-t TV show were masterpieces of the highest kind because they were mainly unscripted moments that oozed hilarity with almost too much ease

So what happens when SBC goes all scripted (with help from three Curb & Seinfeld writers + Larry Charles back on board as SBC’s director)?  Not nearly as genius (how could it be!!), but anything not nearly as genius as the most genius of genius is pretty f#%king good, no?  Yep, The Dictator is pretty f#%king good.  It’s scripted Borat by way of Gaddafi’s Wikipedia page

Do you want to know the story?  You don’t need to, but it’s like You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, but actually funny, cause this isn’t an Adam Sandler movie, it’s a Sacha Baron Cohen movie.  This is what the world needs more of, but can SBC keep it up?  We’d love to see him try, cause his tries make everyone else’s comedic tries look like stick on a crap.  It’s true, cause most comedies are awful and have something to do with Judd Apatow

The supporting trio of Anna Faris, Ben Kingsley and Jason Mantzoukas do some very solid work, playing mostly straight (wo)men to the Supreme Leader, but the supporting doesn’t end with them.  This flick’s overloaded with comic talent, so much so, that some of dem folks don’t even get anything funny to do.  Normal boring roles here aren’t played by normal boring actors, but by the likes of Chris Parnell, Chris Elliott, Fred Melamed, JB Smoove, and Nasim Pedrad, to name a few.  But at the end of the day, it’s all about SBC, as it should be

moral of the story – do you like Sacha Baron Cohen?  good, go see The Dictator.  it’s not like Scott Rudin produces comedies every day!!!

She’s No Leo: spank gawd for that!!

Dominique DiCaprio!!!

Verdictgo: very high end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Dictator dictates laughter at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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and now that that’s outta the way…

The Avengers
Mostly Justice League
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 143 min

Lord Whedon’s Avengers is 2/3rds snoozefest and 1/3rd awakefest.  Luckily the end is the awakefest, but unfortunately it takes 9999ever to get there.  The snoozefest snoozes and loses cause they finally put all these Marvel money making heroes into one place at one time, but then they stay in that one place (some stoopid floating aircraft carrier) for what seems like an eternity… of nothingness.   Literally, nothing happens, unless you count more bad acting by Samuel L Jackson in a blockbuster movie (he seems to do better with real drama than fanboy drama.  see Mace Windex for another bad example)

Then the bad guy (Thor’s gay adopted brother), who’s more lame than bad goes to NY and the Avengers unite even more and like battle like mad like everywhere in like New York.  There’s no drama or anything really at stake, but we do get to see the super hero equivalent of Rampage, and if you’ve played Rampage, you know there’s nothing to it but smashing things, and so while that’s kinda cool to watch, it doesn’t eggzactly make for a super memorable super hero movie.  But someone else is and makes a smash – Hulk!  Finally!  At least in a CGI sense, cause the Ang Lee Hulk was awesome, and if you don’t agree then go watch HBO’s Girls.  But seriouslies, Mark Ruffalo makes an eggsalad Bruce Banner, and his Hulk is f$%king awesome.  Looking more forward to a Ruffaloed Hulk flick than wees is to a 2nd Avengers

You sorta did it Whedon.  not really

Verdictgo: low low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Cabin In The Woods
Pull The Strings
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 95 min

To talk plot points is to give away the fun, and sorta like The Avengers, the real real fun of the Lord Whedon written Cabin In The Woods only exists in the last third, which makes Whedon a wizard at third acts, but he needs to get his act together for the other two acts.  Even though The Avengers and Cabin have about as much in common as we and a vegetarian restaurant do, wees gotta say we enjoyeded Cabin more than we did The Avengers. The Avengers had to deliver the goods, and it kinda sorta doesn’t, and Cabin doesn’t need to deliver anything,  but it delivers nightmares that won’t give you nightmares, unless you fear unicorns.   What are we even talking about?  Dunno, but Kristen Connolly is wicked adorables!!!!

Verdictgo: high end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Avengers and Cabin are growing Whedons at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…