Tag Archives: Michael Stuhlbarg

Woody & Cate Plus Ache

Blue Jasmine
I Left My Heart Has Nothing Left In San Francisco
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 98 min

blue jasmine

Woody Allen‘s recent movies have ranged from unforgettable (Midnight In Paris) to forgettable (Whatever Works) to juss plain forgotten (had zero recollection as to what You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger was about).  And his latest – Blue Jasmine?  As a whole, it’s neither of the three, but of course you should see it, cause it’s a Woody Allen movie, but anyone who does see it will never EVER forget the performance that  hands in as the title blue-stress.  Oh man, the screen burns with every fiery ember of Cate as Jasmine and her smoldering at-the-ready Chernobyl-level meltdowns.  HOT HOT HOT!!!  She’s a woman scorned, broken, battered, but trying to bounce back.  Will the world let her, or will she burn herself down into pile of alcohol-soaked black ashes?  We’re rooting for her at every (mis)step she takes, even though she’s one of the least rootable characters of 2013.  GO JASMINE!!

So how did Jassy Jasmine bottom out to such a low match point?  She turned a blind eye to husband ‘s madoff-ing with other people’s monies & philandering all over New York, and before it was too late to open her eyes, she lost everything.  Now she’s begging at the door of , her adopted sister who Jasmine could give three sh$ts about.  But times are tough and any family is family when yer down and out and now in San Francisco (new Woody locale, yeah!!).  Hawkins has enuff stuff on her own plate, like trying to feed two kids she sired with ex-husband  (not playing for nursery rhyme laughs, and it works!), and a non-stop yapping greasy new beau in the form of Bobby Cannavale (although his yawk-y character doesn’t seem like the kinda guy who’d be living in the Bay Area).  Of course Jasmine complicates matters for all parties involved, as anything she (or Woody) touches turns into instant-neuroticism.  Things eventually do get better between the sisters, and then they each meet a dashing new man – Jasmine + Peter Sarsgaard and Hawkins + Louis CK, but the likelihood of the forecast staying perma-sunny in a ‘blue’ movie is about the same as the chances that dentist Michael Stuhlbarg or dopey mustachio Max Casella have of scoring with Cate Blanchett

Wowsers Cate Blanchett!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Are you the best actress alive?  Dare we say possibly even bester than the grrrrrrrrrrrrrreat Meryl Streep?  Time will tell for some, but we may be ready to make and stick by such a bold claim.  Streep of course coulda played a perfect Jasmine, and has even worked with Woody before, but I just don’t see a Streep Jasmine giving me movie memory neurosis for time eternal.  Burn baby burn!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Blue is golden currently in NY & LA, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Lincoln, That Guy & Those Guys

Lincoln
Fourscore & 148 Years Ago, We All Scored For Equality, Mostly!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 120 min

Steven Spielberg‘s Lincoln 

=

Spielberg’s Amistad

+

strange white man beards

minus

any

moment

but that’s still pretty fcuking good filmmaking if you ask we!!!

AND DANIEL FCUKING DAY LEWIS AS LINCOLN IS ALL DANIEL DAY AND ALL DANIEL NIGHT BESTNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

obvi

Tommy Lee Jones will have you jonesing for more Tommy Leeness!!!

Sally Field plows it!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt has a mustache!

John Hawkes + James Spader + Tim Blake Nelson = hottest/coolest threesome EVERRVEVEVRR (for ending slavery that is!)

Hal Holbrook is still alive!!!

+ we still dont know how to spell or say David Strathaririansiansairn‘s last name!!

but wait, there’s more

more like…

OMG, THAT GUY IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!!

‘that guy’s like

DOUG FROM FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS and GALE FROM BREAKING BAD!

 

THE PUSHING DASIES GUY!

 

LANE PRYCE IS RIGHT!

 

BAD NEWS KELLY LEAK!

 

THE SERIOUS MAN!

 

ANIMAL HOUSE’S D-DAY!

 

PRESIDENT LOGAN FROM 24!

 

MILES PAPAZZIAIANNN FROM 24!

 

THAT GUY ON GIRLS WHO HAS TO HAVE SEX WITH LENA DUNHAM!

 

THAT KID WHO PLAYED THAT GAY GUY IN THE STOOPID MOVIE BASED ON A BOOK ABOUT RUNNING WITH SCICICXSSSSORS!

 

THAT REALLY GOOD ACTING GUY FROM IN TREATMENT!

 

THAT KID FROM DARK SHADOWS!

 

THAT GUY FROM THE NEW PLANET OF THE APES!

 

THAT ASSSHOLE GUY WHO HATES BOOKS FROM FRANK AND ROBOT!

 

THAT GUY WHO NARRATED VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA!

 

THAT BLACK GUY!

 

THAT GUY THAT GUY!

 

THAT GUY THAT GUY THAT GUY!

 

&

 

LUKAS HAAS!

VerdictgoJeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Lincoln logs time in NY & LA today, and elsewhere elsewhen

oh, and MAJOR special love goes out to Spader’s facial hair & weirdness in this movie.  it’s something I tells ya!!  ALMOS worth the price of admission alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Brolin With The Homeboys

Men In Black 3
Third Is The Word
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 106 min

No one usually asks for thirds, but that never stopped Hollywood from serving triple helpings of anything that will automatically bring in the bucks.  You can’t fault the cash grab of a third Men In Black, with all the principal players in place, but is this something people really need?  Turns out we do.  Apparently there’s more to the relationship of Agent J and K than any of us could have ever imagined, which makes Men In Black 3 not only watchable, but totally watchable!!!  IT’S TRUE!!!

MiB3 starts off with the usual inane silliness of J & K hunting down gross aliens and then returning to their stark white offices to do office stuff, but then things get more interesting.  Main bad guy alien Jemaine Clement jumps into the past with aims of maiming the man (Tommy Lee Jones) who done him wrong, so Will Smith has no choice but to follow him back in time so things don’t go bad in the future!!!  Fish out of waterness ensues, Mad Men clothes are sported, and Michael Stuhlbarg acts weirderer than his screen brother Richard Kind did in A Serious Man  

This means Tommy Lee Jones is younger, and Josh Brolin brilliantly plays/imitates him as young version of Tommy Lee Jones.  Genius!  Will Smith imitates himself and it’s all basically juss a MiB movie that takes place in the 60s.  So far, so passable.  BUT then things get really really interesting!  They do!  Not gonna say how or why, but it comes at the end, and makes the whole thing well worth sitting thru.  Even if we have to endure the brief presence of toothy Alice Eve and her toothy teeth, pretending to be a younger Emma Thompson.  What is it about Alice Eve?  Why is she becoming a go to actress? Does she have dirty pictures of every studio head in Hollywood?  Or do these studio heads have a teeth fetish?

moral of the story – we didn’t need it, no one really asked for it, but as third movies go, Barry Sonnenfeld semi-sorta has us asking for more!  how is this possible? these movies are really nuttin but stupid fun.  But #3 is more than stupid fun.  WHY?  we’ll tell you why – this movie ends up having more heart than Mola Ram’s hands done does in a year!!  AND THAT’S A LOT OF HEARTSES!!!

Warhol of Fame: it was the 60s, so of course Andy Warhol makes an appearance in the flick, with the help of Bill Hader.  Below is our movie Warhol of Famers who have admirably donned the leather jacket, sunglasses and white wig, including new member Hader

watch Guy Pearce + Jared Harris + David Bowie + Crispin Glover pop art

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

MiB3 is outta this world, in our world, this Friday, at  a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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A Trip To A Trip To The Moon

Hugo
Méliès-y Shady of Winner
Official WebsiteTrailers & Mo
PG | 127 min

So, there’s this orphan kid (Asa Butterfield) who lives and works in the clocks of a Parisian train station.  When he’s not being chased by Sacha Baron Cohen with a mustache, he’s trying to re-build Bicentennial man.  When he’s not doing that, he’s stealing stuff from cranky ole toymaker Ben Kingsley.  When he’s not doing that, he’s hanging out with Kingsley’s ‘daughter’ Chloë Moretz, who is way too mature hot for being a 14 year old.  399393939 movie hours pass of them two kids running around, causing minor mischief and making endless lil ragamuffin faces, while also borrowing books from Christopher Lee, and listening to a bearded Michael Stuhlbarg talk about his boner for pioneer filmmaker Georges Méliès

Wait, what does Méliès have to do with all this?  Well ya see, Kingsley is not only a cranky ole toymaker, but HE’S ALSO GEORGES MÉLIÈS!!!!  But he doesn’t care about movies anymore, CAUSE OF WORLD WAR and MOVIES BEING TURNED INTO SHOES or something, but the kids care and so does his wife (Helen McCrory) and so does Martin Scorsese, who turns the last brilliant third of this movie into a love letter to early cinema AND a giant PSA for film preservation!!

moral of the story: it’s a kid’s movie where all the great stuff is about the adults.  the kids stuff should have been thrown out the window and this baby shoulda been all about Méliès, cause Kingsley hands in a f#$king crowning achievement performance as the cinemagician.  also, there should have been a naughty sex scene between SB Cohen and Emily Mortimer.  also, the 3-D is not as great as everyone’s making it to be.  also, they should have cut out 98% of the kids stuff and replaced it with 3-D clips of how hot Louise Brooks was, or maybe with some modern 3-D hotness like this!

Toying Around: art imitates life

Verdictgo: last third is beyond breast in show, but the first two-thirds keeps it a Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Hugo is quasi-moto-awesome currently in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

but before we go, imagine if Asa and Kodi Smit-McPhee switched Chloë movies!!!  LET THIS IN!!!

Chloë 9ever!!!

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