Thighs Wide Shut Thighs Wide Shut

Tuesday, December 16

Catunskilled Mountains

An Empty Che Stadium
Trailers & Mo | Official (Japanese) Website

Part I: The Argentine
Unwelcome To The Jungle

In Part 1 of Steven Soderbergh's two part Che movie, Che is in Cuba helping Cubans overthrow other Cubans who don't have cool facial hair like they do. The main dude leading these revolutionary Cubans is Fidel Castro. He's played by the Mexican dude on Weeds. Che is played by Benicio Del Toro. Che wasn't Cuban. Neither is Del Toro. Che was from Argentina. Del Toro is from Puerto Rico. Del Toro was born to play Che. Much more so than Omar Sherif. He looks the part. He is the part. The part can't save the whole. Soderbergh wasn't born to direct a Che movie. You learn absolutely nothing about Che. Nada. Nunca (OK, you do learn that he has asthma). Guess it's not that type of movie... that type of movie that mos people would rather see where it tells the entire extraordinary story of an extraordinary man, not repetitive chapters in one long jungle book. We see Che. We see Che with people. The peoples listen to him. He's usually in the jungle, building Gilligan's Isle type dwellings, teaching people how to read, treating sick people cause he was a doctor. He hides in the jungle. He eats in the jungle. He poops in the jungle. We don't see him poop. Think of anything goings on in a jungle and Che did it. This part of Che is 58% jungle. 29% takes place in NY. The NY percentile was shot in black and white and Che is red all over... cause he's a Communist! Nothing against jungles, but the NY bits are the most bittable bitties. Back in Cuba guns are fired. People are shot. Che and co take over cities. Catalina Sandino Moreno shows up. She worships Che. We worship her. She's full of grace. She gives nice face. We're bored. Crap, there's a second part? It better be better than this part that isn't so better!

Back In The Che: the early exploits of Che's life were put on display in the solid Gael García Bernal starring Motorcycle Diaries. After watching the film we were thirsty for mo Che and wanted to see another movie that continued the rest of the story. Soderbergh wasn't able to fulfill that wish (or our other wish for him to stop working with Julia Roberts in general). Spanfulkly there's always Wikipedia to fall back on when films fail to inform us of things we want to be informed on

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badgers

Part II: Guerrilla

Part II is not better than ezra or Part I. If you muss see one part of this monster(ous) film, see Part I and skip Part II. Part two has no NY distractions to split up the action. The action in Part II is 98% of Che doing the same exact things that he was doing in the jungles of Cuba but now he's doing them in the mountains of Bolivia, but with less disciples and less success. Why is he here? Do people want him here? Do they juss wanna join the Che Guevara Cool Facial Hair Club For Men? Dunno. Never really explained well. Lola from Run Herself Run is in it. She's a foreigner called Tania helping the cause (see 'Patty Cakes' below). Why? No clue. Back to the mountains. Che is walking. Che is talking. Che is taking a dump. Sorry, you don't get to see any dumps in Part II either. You do get to see Catalina Sandino Moreno, but only for like 8 seconds. You don't get to see her naked, or poop. What a waste. This second part is so beyonds borings and thunderdome that it makes Wendy & Lucy look like a movie where Jason Statham puts porters in trans! You know Che movie is mad sleepy and hollow when you want Che to die within the first 1/2 an hour of a 3290493 hour movie cause then the movie would be over. You walk away from this epic snoozefest and can't figure out if Che was a good or a bad man. You actually can't figure out anything about Che other than he was able to live better in nature more better than the Swiss Family Robinson. Why is this movie (when seens together as one) 4 +++ hour longs and filled with basically nothings? Cut out 4 of them hours and the +++ minutes make a hamazin short movie! Oh yeah, Matt Damon cameos in this part. Luckily Scott Caan doesn't appear. On second thought Scott Cann could have brought some funs to Bolivia. We want Sodbergh flicks more like Bubble, not like ones that burst

Patty Cakes: kidnap victim-turned Symbionese Liberation Army sympathizer Patty Hearst took on the nom de guerre of Tania, in honor of Che's helper friend chick. Skip this Guerrilla flick and instead czech out the doc Guerrilla, all about Patty's plight

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Che is currently playing as one long arsed movie in NY/LA for one week only. It will open as two movies in major cities on 1/9/09 and then elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed...