we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2019

and now, for the only awards that matter…

SEXtenth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

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Greatest Righting of A Wrong In A Movie Franchise EVER

in The Rise of Skywalker when they like, hey Rose, want to join us on this adventure, and she’s like, sorry, I’m busy being buried in a shallow grave by the scriptwriter!!!  EAT IT ROSE!!!

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The 10th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of Please Go Away You Annoy The Living Poop Out of Me Over-Acting Actor, How Are You An Actor, and In Every Movie? Award

Lucas Hedges

(a make-up call for previous years of annoying the crap out of me)

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Popular Movie That Irrationally Upsets My Soul Because There Is Nothing Special About It Whatsoever And I’m Still Mad At Riannnn Johnsonn for Ruining My Adulthood With What He Did To Star Wars

Knives Out 

a whodunnit
that who don’t

reveal the twist at the beginning!
so clever Riannn!!
(nice accent James Bond! NOT!!!)

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The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Man of The Year

TIE! 

with 6 films a piece in 2019

Jim Gaffigan AND Luke Evans

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The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

aka – these damn ladies be DAMN fine award!!

Cardi B’s DDs in the otherwise, somehow unwatchable movie about strippers – Hustlers

The Goldenest Globes

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Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes EVER

Molly Gordon

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Eyes Wide Closed For Bidness 9ever

aka WÃœRSTEST Eyes EVER

wtf is going on here Alita: Battle Angel???
WHO WANTS TO WATCH THAT SCARY FCUKING SHTT!!???

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Hairing Is Caring 

Alec Baldwin’s DeLorean eyebrows in Framing John DeLorean

+

I don’t really love the hair but special mention to all hair things that’s going on in The Beach Bum

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Songs That Execute Better
Than Norman Mailer
Hanging With Cliff Clavin

the ENTIRE soundtrack to The Last Black Man in San Francisco

+

Taron Egerton IS Elton John

Kenny Rogers ‘in’ Richard Jewell

‘Hey Dude’

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Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

Midsommar / Joker / Uncut Gems / The Lighthouse / Once Upon A Time In Hollywood / The Last Black Man in San Francisco /A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (I cry every time the kids sing to him on the train) / Yesterday / 1917 / Ad Astra / It Chapter 2 (teaser) 

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Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

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Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

Overcomer / Shaft / Annabelle Comes Home / Stuber / Fiddler: A Miracle of Miracles / The Day Shall Come/ Her Smell / The Death of Dick Long

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Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Gustaf Gründgens + Liv Mjönes + Taddeo Kufus

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Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

Nike is from Oregon.  The Goonies was shot in Oregon.  together they were a natural pair-ing of two great American legends & icons

BLESS the folks forever at Red Letter Media

Joe Pesci and David Ferrie RETURN!!

May The Fluoride Be With You

Ullman Are Created Equal

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Movies To Look For In The ‘020

Fast & Furious Presents: Nobbs & Shaw

Tolkien: White Guy

Super Thighs Me 2: Thighs Wide Slightly More Shut

Calendar Man

21 Jeff Bridges

Chris Wallace Is Here

Shazam! The Story of Gomer Pyle

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In Memoriam

too many great names to name
so we’ll just leave it like this

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don’t forget to peep out our ’18, ’17,  ’16,  ’15, ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

1916 – 2020

The Great Escape Lakeside vacation rental in Clermont, Florida features board game themed rooms!!!

this Costacos Brothers poster hasn’t exactly aged well…

Blue Springs Examiner, 9/11/1991

On their lone day off this week, 13 members of the Kansas City Chiefs decided to whoop it up.

They donned authentic Native American clothes and accessories and gathered at Longview Farm to shoot “The Tribe” a poster that will benefit the American Indian Center’s Tutorial Youth Program.

“Just look at the guys,” said All-pro linebacker Derrick Thomas, who dreamed up the poster shoot, “they’re like a bunch of little kids. They’re having a great time.”

And they were.

“That’s you, Rock,” defensive end Bill Maas said to cornerback Kevin ‘Rock’ Ross, who was one of the first to have his face painted.

As Ross’s defensive backfield teammate Lloyd Burruss beat a tom-tom, the Chiefs one by one sat down in a sweltering makeshift makeup studio to have warpaint applied.

“Man, I look like a mean dude,” cornerback Albert Lewis said. “I just wish this bear claw necklace wasn’t so darned itchy.”

Because of the impending rain, the location for the shoot was moved three times. 

“It’s the most hectic shoot I’ve had,” said photographer Chris Vleisides.

“The biggest concern wasn’t the rain, it was the lightning.” Added Chiefs director of promotions Brenda Boatright, “‘If a bolt of lightning struck here tonight l’d be out of a job tomorrow.”

She helped coordinate the event that featured all but one member of the Chiefs starting defensive unit. “Chris Martin missed it,” Thomas said. “But I think it’s great all the other guys showed up.”

“This sill be the first national sports poster featuring a team’s defensive unit,” said Nancy Mitchell, a representative of Thomas, who will market the poster. “The Chicago Bulls did one a few years ago but it was just regional.”

All proceeds from the poster will benefit the American Indian Center’s Tutorial Youth Program.

“I think its great these guys would waive their fees and donate their time to come out and help the kids that we help,” said Chet Ellis, the executive director of the center.

“We went to great lengths 10 make this shoot as authentic as possible. The headresses Derrick and Deron are wearing are the real thing. And those beaded wristbands that Derrick is wearing cost thousands of dollars.”

The players took great pride in their warpaint and overall look.

“Call me Iron Eyes,” Thomas said with a grin. “If we were a real Indian tribe I think you’d call us trouble.”

A grinning Lewis said, “No, I think you’d call us the Blackfeet.”

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The Chiefs in the poster with their Indian names:

Lloyd Burrus (Yellow Elk), Dino Hackett (White Eagle), Leonard Griffin (Free Lance), Derrick Thomas (Chief Iron Eyes), Neil Smith (Lightfoot), Kevin Ross (Red Cloud), Deron Cherry (Chief Wolf), Jayice Pearson (Ten Bears), Bill Maas (Full Moon), Tracy Simien (Thunderbolt), Kevin Porter (Man-of-War), Dan Saleaumua (Buffalo Dancer),  Albert Lewis (Bear Paw)

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not surprisingly, the community the poster was ‘benefiting’ didn’t take too kindly to it

Chiefs’ intentions are good, but found to be insulting [read more on page 6]

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[poster image from here]

Seven 2019 Films That Were More Pitch Perfect Than Jerry Blevins!

1) Midsommar

Something wicker man this way comes!!!

2) Ad Astra

it space races your heart!

3) Joker

apparently never posted a review here, but this will have to do

the @jokermovie is easily the best Batman related movie ever made. come for the electric Leaf Phoenix performance but stay for the perfect mise-en-scène where someone finally let Gotham be Gotham https://t.co/y7LdSQUysa loved seeing the @loewsjersey cameo!!!!

— thigh masteя (@thighmaster) November 8, 2019

4) The Lighthouse

low tidings on the high sea – black and white delight

5) Parasite (기생충)

out of site, can’t get you out of my mind

6) Uncut Gems

maximum Jewish neurosis overdrive 

7) The Last Black Man in San Francisco

soul brother down to one.  be sure to wear some flowers in your hair

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movie awards by friday. until then, here’s the bestest films of yesterhere

2018
2017
2016
2015
2014
2013
2012
2011
2010
2009
2008
2007
2006
2005
2004
2003
& 2002