Tag Archives: Helen Mirren

No Place Like THIS Home

Winchester
Rifling & Stifling
Official Site | Trailers & Mo

PG-13 | 99 min

A long time ago, I was a giant fan of the A&E show – America’s Castles.  One particular episode about ‘California Dreamers’ introduced me to a house that I never ever wanted to call home, but literally haunted me by just knowing about it.  It was the Winchester Mystery House of San Jose, built, and continued to be endlessly built on and on and on and on by rifle heiress Sarah Winchester, until the day she died.  This is no ordinary house.  It has staircases that lead nowhere, and a door that opens to a 2 story drop, and oodles of twists and turns that defy architecture sanity!!  And the very first time I ever visited San Francisco I forced my friend to drive me to this house so we could tour it.  AND IT WAS EVEN MORE AMAZING IN PERSON THAN WHAT I COULD EVER IMAGINE (even if the tour guide we had was more cheerleader than Vincent Price)!!!  The true mystery is how this house isn’t as famous and as visited as Graceland???!!!??!!!

So when they made Winchester – a movie about Sarah and the house, I had to see it – no matter HOW rotten it was rated.  Well, it was totally NOT rotten, but for a movie about a house that is possibly haunted, they were somehow unable to remotely make a scary movie out of it.  They added some BS stories to make it some sort of an actual story, and even with solid performances from both Helen Mirren and Jason Clarke the result was somewhere between ‘they could have done something better‘ and ‘well, how could they have made a better movie than this when there’s really not much to work from besides the house being big and crazy and creepy?‘  And so, the movie is what it is, and what it is is OK, and it at least gets the word out there that this house exists, and that matters cause there’s no place LIKE this home

Verdictgo: high end(?) Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Winchester ‘haunts’ a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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A Guy Named Dalton

Trumbo
The Brave One
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 124 min

trumbo

Dalton Trumbo had an awesome name, and an awesome mustache, but his life was far from awesome.  Yeah, the man won two Academy Awards for writing screenplays, but the first one he won – had another writer’s name attached to it instead of his, and his second one had to have a pseudonym on it cause he couldn’t work under his own name.  Ya see – Dalton Trumbo was an unabashed, overly outspoken communist living in America, who loved America – but he lived in a time where being red was scary to others, and so when the House Un-American Activities Committee came calling and wanted him to come name calling, he refused, and so he + 9 others became the Hollywood Ten – blacklisted from working in Hollywood, and living a normal life

Jay Roach‘s Trumbo tells (t)his story.  And (t)his story was actually already told, in doc form, back in 2007 with the eggsalad, and same named Trumbo.  I love docs so much, and would normally tell you that you MUSS see the doc before bothering with the movie (or not bother with the movie at all), but this movie is juss as good at telling the story – even if the movie itself feels like one of those biopic movies made for HBO – you know, a good movie, but nothing highly cinematic

But I had fun watching the mostly downs of Trumbo’s life, cause the cast was having such a hoot hooting along.  There was Helen Mirren being a bitch, Diane Lane being supportive, John Goodman being loud, Louis CK trying to act, Elle Fanning fanning the flames, Alan Tudyk tudyuking, and Michael Stuhlbarg playing Edward G. Robinson!!!  

And then there’s Bryan Cranston.  By the time Breaking Bad was winding down, I grew tired of Bryan Cranston.  This fatigue had less to do with him, and more juss to do with everyone not shutting up about Bryan Cranston, and so my opinion on him started to sour a bit.  I was like, enuff with the Bryan Cranston!!!!!!!!!  But after his trumboniously delicious work as the title character here, I have a full on trumboner for Bryan Cranston again.  And he’s sooooo good with that thick mustache (and smoking) that I think he should shave his head and play Rich Uncle Pennybags in a Monopoly movie!!!

monopoly man

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Trumbo trumbos tonight in NY/LA and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

 

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#MirrenFace

The Hundred-Foot Journey
A Spoonful of Curry & A Poundful of Sugar
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 122 min

100 foot journey

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN AN INDIAN FAMILY MOVES TO A PICTURESQUELY QUAINT FRENCH VILLAGE AND OPENS UP A RESTAURANT – 100 FEET ACROSS THE STREET FROM A SNOOTY FINE DINNING EATERY?????????????????????????????????????? Oh man, if only there were a book that tackled this story idea that got Oprah and Spielberg so jazzed that they turned it into a movie directed by the guy who made that Chocolat movie! OH WAIT, THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Praise jeebus, and ganesha, and PG movies that you can actually bring your family too, even if the drama on-hand is about intense as cracking an egg

Sassy and fussbudgety Om Puri and his Indian family flee India cause there was like some political fire or something that burned down their restaurant and his wife/their momma, and so they go here and there until their van breaks down in some French village, where they quickly open up an Indian restaurant – that will forever change everything – for them, the town, and the town’s reigning cooking mistress, and restaurant neighbor – the perma-frowny Helen Mirren. She is SO dang frowny, and sourpussy that they HAD to highlight it on the movie poster

100 foot poster journey

Then again, Mirren makes that face in every movie she’s in. It’s her go to face, and I for one have had enuff of #MirrenFace

Well guess what happens?? One of the Indian kin – Manish Dayal – is a master chef in the making, and he is such a master chef in the making that not even the bitchy Helen Mirren can deny his talents, and so maybe JUSS MAYBE, she will stop being so cranky that she’ll take the spatula that’s stuck up her a$$ and start cooking things up with her enemy neighbors!!! And what about the Frenchy restaurant cutie patootie sous chef Charlotte Le Bon?? Will their be romance a simmering between her and the master chef in the making or will their yearning ambitions to become king/queen of the kitchen stand in the way of their syrupy soup of love????? OMG, YOU MUSS BE SWEATING WITH NERVES JUSS READING THIS REVIEW!!!!

For a movie about food, the taste can at times be pretty formaggi, but for the most part – the cheesiness sizzles, unlike in Chef, where it kinda stank like rotten meat

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Journey begins at a theater near jews Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Monsters Jewniversity

quickies!

 

Monsters University
From Here To Fraternity 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
G | 104 min

monsters u

Never saw the first one, so for once, seeing a prequel didn’t ‘ruin’ any of the fun, but Pixar = fun, cept when they try too hard or not hard enough.  Anywho, it was cool to hear cartoon  chat it up and become BFFs with cartoon .  But fo’reals, why does every animnated movie have to have every single role, top to bottom, filled with celeb voices?  Don’t think kids really care that  is lending her pipes to give Dean Hardscrabble her scrabbles hard.  As for the adults, they don’t give a sh$t either, as Mirren’s voice added nothing, and mainly took away from this otherwise frivolously funned G-rated version of Revenge of The Nerds

Fill the Void
(Lemale et ha’halalrs)

The Marrying Kind
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG | 90 min

fill the void

Sadly this is NOT the sequel or prequel to Enter The Void.  It’s about some Hasidic Israeli dude () having his wife die during childbirth.  Everyone agrees he needs a new wife.  Everyone knows its gonna be his sister-in-law , cause she’s hot, and she knows how to deal with kids and she plays the accordion.  A touching movie with a conclusion that’s a tad too foregone.  Regardless – I give it 19 L’chaims! 

Btw, that  Hasidic Israeli dude is a total fox in real life!!!

jewish fox

Verdictgo: both  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Monsters roars at a theater near Jews, while Void Fills seats in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Mossad Sacks

The Debt
Paid In Mostly Half-Full
Official WebsiteTrailers & Mo
R | 114 min

If Ciarán Hinds is in a movie, we will want to see it, and odds are that the movie will be at least decent.  So what if a movie barely has Hinds in it?  Decency is still possible, and John Madden‘s The Debt, a remake of (what we are assuming is a far superior) 2007 Israeli film, is pretty darn decent stuff.  A little poor in execution-ville, and plenty poor in climax-land, The Debt still had enough going for it to cash in its IOU.  It’s kinda like a ghetto Munich meets The Boys From Brazil.  And even ghettoizations of those revenge on Jewish boogeymen flicks is still something of interest, cause who doesn’t love watching Jewish enemies get their due????  (hactually, we wondered if Hollywood would EVER make a film where Muslims hunted down their enemies who have wronged them.  the conclusion we came to is probably never)

And if hunting Nazis in a non-over-the-top Tarantino kinda way isn’t your cup of tea, well, you can at least revel in the unexpected hilarity of Sam Worthington ‘trying’ on an Israeli accent for size.  Eeeesh!!  The guy’s got a face for cinema and a mouth for duct tape.  Man oh man!  At least they surrounded him with some class act(or)s like (underrated) Marton Csokas and (I’ve been everywhere this summer) Jessica Chastain.  In modern day times, Hinds is Worthington (even though he looks more like Csokas), Tom Wilkinson is Csokas, and Helen Mirren is Chastain in the membrane

So the modern stuff is where we begin.  The trio are far removed from their Mossad agent days and each other, cause they’re harboring some kinda secret.  But when we get shuttled to the past, which is the juicy bulk of the film, when the 2 dudes and redheaded hottie hunt down and capture a Josef Mengele-type jackass (Jesper Christensen).  Things don’t go right, but maybe they do, but not really, cause there’s a DEBT that has to be paid or like finished or something, which leads to the ending that has promise and kinda comes up empty, but it’s kinda satisfying, enough, sorta

Hey, did we mention that Ciarán Hinds is in it???

Hinds Wins: oh, you know nothing of Hinds and want to play ketchup?  See him in Rome, MunichVeronica Guerin, Life During War Time AND mos def The Eclipse

Verdictgo: a mild Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Debt is cash sorta money, but not really, but kinda, today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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