Tag Archives: Julianne Moore

Jersey Snore

Don Jon 
Off Beat Beat Off 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

don jon

And the most annoying, poorly made debut film by someone we respect, and now don’t fully respect, cause we hated his film so much, film of 2013 is ‘s Don Jon

If you love a movie that revolves around endless internet masturbation (by a character who doesn’t even know how to clear their own browsing history – ZERO REALISM HERE PEOPLES), gratingly AWFUL hammy Joooursey accents (wish I didn’t have ears), endless annoying annoyingness (wish I also didn’t have eyes), that throws away whatever it ‘built’ up in its first 2/3rds for a final third that feels so out place and nothing to do-ish with them first two-thirds that you’ll juss wish this movie were released on any rock from the sun that isn’t the third one

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Love me some Joseph Jason Jordan Gordon-Gerry-Graydon-Levitt-Stein-Berg.  Always felt like he (and James Franco) was to fill the vacuum that Heath Ledger left with his passing.  For the most part, he has come thru, and we relish anything he does, even if it is doo-doo, but Don Juan?  Beyond thunderdome doo-doo.  I wouldn’t wish this film on my würst enemies, and my würst enemies are sports teams from New York and the south, and George Clooney

JG-L plays the title character – a guy who loves the gym, his boyzzz, and picking up sluts, and going to church, and taaaaawwwwwk-ing with horrible Joouuurrrrssssssey accents with his over-acting parents  and .  He also loves his screen sister , but she doesn’t say a word, just plays on her phone and that’s suppose to be funny.  It’s not.  This movie thinks it’s really funny and clever, but it puts the UN in fUNny, and is more like clNEVER

Things get interesting for Jon (but not for us) when  shows up and rocks his world (and destroys our ears with her Joooooororuururusseey accent – that’s worseserererer than everyone else’s).  And then she finds out that he masturbates endlessly, and then awkward funny is suppose to happen, but all that happens is how awkard I felt watching this movie about a guy who beats off.  I beat off.  All men do.  But I don’t want to see a movie about it, especially if it has nothing deep to say about it.  JOing isn’t suppose to be something we think deep about.  It’s actually something we all enjoy doing, but then when the climax happens, it’s best to forget about what juss happened – but sometimes remorse seeks in.  Well, Don Juan is the same, but there’s no climax, and it’s all remorse.  WHY DID WE WATCH THIS???

Later in the movie,  shows up resembling an actual character that we could actually care about, but by the time the focus shifts to her, and away from the other crap that came before it, all wees want is Julianne LESS of anything having to do with this movie

JG-L’s production company is called hitRECord.  He should have hit delete on this whole project

Verdictgo:  Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Donna JOn: if I had to say one nice thing about the movie – I would say that it least it had a lot of hot women in it, like…

Antoinette Kalaj

Antoinette_Kalaj

Don Jon sucks tomorrow at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Hustle & Bobo

Crazy, Stupid, Love.
It’s Not So Complicated Too
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 118 min

Are you a fan of Steve Carell(‘s sad sack funny guy shtick), Ryan Gosling(‘s serious hotness), Julianne Moore(‘s less is moore approach) and/or Emma Stone(‘s beyond sexy Daisy Duck eyes)? If yer a human being living on planet earth and go to the movies, then the only answer can be ‘yes, to all the above‘.  If not, you might be Hollywood Elsewhere.  Crazy, Stupid, Love is not crazy, nor is it stupid, and nor nor did we out right love it.  BUT, if you love (or even juss like) Carell, Gosling, Moore and/or Stone, then you will dig on them digging on each other.  Here’s another litmus test –  Did you like It’s Complicated?  If you did, you will like CSL.  Nuttin fancy, juss cute people making cute.  No harm, no foul.  Lots of smiles, and if there aren’t smiles, you know eventually that those frowns will be turned upside down

So what’s this movie about?  Who even cares, but we will say that there was a lil bit of a twist that even took us by sirprize!!!  And that sirprize isn’t that Josh Groban is pretty decent at playing a dork, or that Kevin Bacon is beyond decent at playing an unlikable person, or that Analeigh Tipton is solid at being awkward, or that Marisa Tomei can make good use of a bad useless role, or that John Carroll Lynch really is the Zodiac, or that Jonah Bobo has an odd name and should totally play a young Brian Wilson in that 5thcoming biopic

Crazy Stupid Hot Chicks: there were plenty on hand, but we’d like to get our hands on these two the mostest!!

Crystal Reed

&

Karolina Wydra

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Stupid isn’t so at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Who’s Better, Who’s Best

The Kids Are All Right
Nuclear Family Unties That Bind
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Annette Bening and Julianne Moore have never shared a scene before the cameras rolled on The Kids Are Alright, but by the magic and ease (and unease) in which the two exude and put on display, as the dual dueling matriarchs of an otherwise purty conventional family with the usual midlife trappings, one would think that this is their 66th time around the block together.  Of course it would feel that way!  They are two of acting’s best, and they are as graceful as they are beautiful (which has nothing to do with anything, but it muss be said), and we’d want them to be our moms too, and even though a few brief J-Moore boob flashes are about as Mulholland Drive as it gets here, there’s little to be disappointed about in what is one of this summer’s few bright spots (although David Mamet’s daughter, with a bit part, is to acting as Yakov Smirnoff is to funny)

Credit writer/director Lisa Cholodenko (and her co-writer Stuart Blumberg), who’s a natural at making movies about natural women.  For those who have seen her Laurel Canyon or High Art, Kids is more of the same… same tough as nails lady awesomeness!!  But this isn’t only about two carpet munchers (or baggers!), cause there are kids involved! (Mia Wasikowska, who may be the future heir to Bening and Moore, and low-key, but way key Josh Hutcherson) and the gals’ anonymous sperm donor (Mark Ruffalo)!!  When the fam foursome are reunited with man who really has nothing to do with em, cept for providing his jizzy-jazz, all heaven and hell breaks loose, and instead of being a bunch of scripted and predictable hooey, it plays out as organically as the food being served on screen.  For once, the audience is served!  Bon Appétit!!

Yaya, Get Yer Ya-Ya’s Out!: we’re gaga for Yaya DaCosta, and her slammin body (you get to see it in Alright, and it’s more than alright)

[more Esquire pics]

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Kids are more than alright today  in NY/LA/CHI & SF and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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The Caine Mute Many

A Single Man
He’s Not There
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

A Single Man aint your sister’s typical foppish Colin Firth British rom-com kinda movie. For once it’s your gay uncle’s turn to have everyone’s hearthrob all to himself, even if it’s more a break than a throb! Outfitted with a pair of Michael Caine 60s glassies, and a wardrobe by Tom Ford (also pitching in as the film’s writer, director and self-financier of the whole dang thing!!!), Firth, dishing out his finest work since his Mr Darcy days, plays a man who has reached a point of no return, or so he thinks. Unable to recover from the death of his younger lover (Matthew Goode, more suited here than he was when he panzied up Ozymandias in Watchmen), the refined closeted professor heavily contemplates joining his tru love by doing himself in. If you ever saw the doc Chris & Don: A Love Story, about this story’s original author, Christopher Isherwood and his young lover, you’ll have better feel on the feelings involved

The plan is set in motion, but Firthy first has to go through one last day of day to day drudgery, and as the said day progresses, he keeps finding plenty of bright spots in otherwise drab world. Dem bright spots all revolve around encounters his has with people he already knows (his loopy BFF neighbor Julianne Moore, doing a way too odd British accent, a flirty student of Firth’s lookin fine in an angora sweater… and butt nekkid as well, played by About A Boy/Skiner Nicholas Hoult + a hot Spaniard, an eerie lil girl & her cheery mum Ginnifer Gooidwin), and every time he interacts with them, we literally see the washed out sepia tones on screen turn all lush and warm, and it’s a thang of udder beauty

Hactually the entire film is a masterpiece… in terms of style (the substance works fo the moist part, but wouldn’t say we were blowns away by it), and feels like one giant sad Sal-centric episode of Mad Men if it were directed by Todd Haynes (Velvet Goldmine, Far From Heaven) or perhaps the needs to workin mo Tom Kalin (see Swoon!!!). That’s sum hammazin queer cinema company to be in, and for Ford’s first try that’s really saying sumting. And a word to you ass-piring male gay filmmakers out there, apparently if you want to suck-seed, your first name muss start with a ‘T’ and you muss also cast Juliane Moore, who has appeared in all three of the aforementioned directors’ films!

Even Gay Men Love Boobs: here be two of Man‘s secretaries who could turn anyone straight…

hottie Keri Lynn Pratt

& cutie Jenna Gavigan

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEFFFFF Worth A Peepers

Man opens in NY/LA/SF only this Friday and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…


his name is Michael Caine

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