The Campaign
On The Trail Mixed Bag
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 85 min

With The Campaign, Jay Roach has now made as many average political movies (Recount + that Sarah Palin one) as he has Austin Powerses (when one AP was enuff).  The rest of his resume consists of 2 up and down/frown Focker flicks, Mystery, Alaska, the mostly lacking Dinner for Schmucks, and something called Zoo Radio.  Lets just say that Mel Brooks isn’t losing any sleep over this oeuvre.  But what are we saying?  We haven’t said anything!  But what we’re gonna say is that Jay Roach makes unmemorable films that contain very memorable laughs.  The Campaign?  Forgettable, but it certainly had its [funny] moments.  Is that enuff?  Sure, why not

Pit Will Ferrell against Zach Galifianakis in a single movie and dare it to be unfunny.  WE DARE YOU!!!!!!  They both play two inept dudes running for some North Carolina congressional seat.  Their ‘heated’ race and ‘nail-bitting’ election are udderly uninteresting, when we guess they could have been, but the hi-jinks Will & Zach toss our way guarantee to make The Campaign a worthwhile staple of cable TV airings in the decade to come.  Is that enuff? Sure, why not

But we expect betterbester of our comedies.  The satire could have been more biting, instead juss being nibbly.  And when you have a campaign staff consisting of such heavies as John Lithgow, Dan Aykroyd and Brian Cox, but have them do nothing but fake smile and shake hands, you know that bester is possible.  Dylan McDermott, as a stealthy taskmaster, and Karen Maruyama, as an antebellum sounding maid, boost the approval ratings a bit, but the whole affair is a tight race that’s almost too close to call, if it’s worth your time or not.  Is that enuff? Maybe not, but you could always juss re-watch Election instead

InnHERspace: Katherine LaNasa is out of this orbit hot

so much so that she’s been married to Dennis Hopper AND French Stewart, and now is engaged to Grant Show

Verdictgo: loooooooooooooow end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Campaign swings into a state near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Queen of Versailles
Thrown From The Throne
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 100 min

Once upon a time, the rich got richer.  So much so that they didn’t even know what to do with themselves, or their money.  So when you don’t know what to do with your endless piles of cash monies why not build America’s largest private residence, at the sum of 90,000-square-foot, (in)complete with 21.2 bathrooms, a 20-car garage, 3 pools, a two lane bowling alley, a spa, a gigantic chefs’ kitchen + 10 smaller kitchens, which was all inspired by the bowling-lane-less Versailles in France.  Did we mention that this Windermere Florida home has a balcony that overlooks Disney World’s nightly fireworks display??  Is this the American dream heaven?  It’s actually America’s nightmare hell!

Sometimes the rich don’t always get richer.  Sometimes they fall, and fall realllly hard.  Who cares, ammmmiright, when there’s averages Joes and schmoes losing their jobs and can’t even afford the dollar store [correction – everyone can afford the dollar store].  Average Joes and schmoes may buy things they can’t afford, but they don’t build palatial estates with 21.2 bathrooms that no one can afford.  Well, as you may of heard, the financial bubble gone did done burst, and the creators of this Florida Versailles monstrosity, David & Jackie Siegel, got mired in a quagmire that’s more quaggy than anything that could ever be quaggied in a mire.  Exactly

Ya see, the Siegels were never able to complete their gaudy Versailles cause their timeshare selling company, which took advantage of poor people who have no money that bought timeshares they couldn’t really afford, time or share, had trouble selling any timeshares, cause the normal poor people that normally would buy them when they so poor that they shouldn’t really be buying them, couldn’t really really buy em anymos, cause they had even less money than the no money that they had before the bubble done burst, which directly led the Siegels to not have as much money as they were used to living with, which means stuff they can’t even imagine doing with much much less money (like not having 3812812273838 maids!!!).  OH THE IRONY!!!!!

moral of the story – there have been enuff boring and exhausting documentaries that have over-examined how the financial system failed, why it did and what it done did to us the normal poor peoples who go to the dollar store.  So it’s a cool and refreshing tall drink of sparkling water to see how the other half percent lives, and what happens when they fall out of that half percent.  Lauren Greenfield started off making a doc about greed and the building upon greed, but then stumbled upon an even better doc of the haves having not, that’s equal parts comical & depressing, and endlessly fascinating to watch.  Let them eat cake, and crappy cake too!!

$65(Not O)K:  all this half-built half-baked American dumphole palace to end all dumphole palaces can be yours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Queen reigns in NY & LA this Friday, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Snow White and The Huntsman
Babes In Woodland
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 127 min

THIS MOVIE IS NOT ABOUT JON HUNTSMAN’S HOT DAUGHTER OR HIS DAD WHO INVENTED THE MCDONALDS CLAMSHELL!!!  That’s already 28282839329393939 strikes against it.  Having Kristen Stewart play Snow White is like having 28283813292323932932 more strikes, and yet, yet, yet, somehow this Snow White movie was like a poor middle class man’s version of The Princess Bride!!!  Sorta.  And Chris Hemsworth‘s beefy beefness beefs up the fun, but not as much as Charlize Theron milking a milky milk bath or her brother Sam Spruell bobbing a man bob or the fact that they somehow shrunk many awesome normal sized actors (Ian McShane, Bob Hoskins, Ray Winstone, Nick Frost, Eddie Marsan, Toby Jones, Johnny Harris, Brian Gleeson) be like tiny sized actors!  Bet Peter Dinklage and Warwick Davis was pissed!  Snow White?  More like Snow RIGHT!

Seeking A Friend for The End of the World
Apocalypse Tao
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 101 min

Do you like Steve Carell?  Do you like Keira Knightley?  If the answer is yes to both, say yes to this fun little diversion that’s like The 40-Year Old Virgin meets Pride & Prejudice.  Not really, but if you sat thru both of those movies, you can sit thru this one, and you may smile, while the world falls apart, in an amusing way that’s like Atonement meets Dinner for Schmucks.  Not really

Your Sister’s Sister
Oh Brother, Where Art House Thou?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

Lynn Shelton‘s Your Sister’s Sister is about two sisters, Emily Blunt and Rosemarie DeWitt, who go to a cabin in the woods and take turns banging one non-related fellow, Mark Duplass.  Sorta, not really.  It starts off dark and heavy, but somehow that’s all forgotten in about 8 minutes, and for the better, cause the gloom gives way to fun and lots of words, so if you want explosions and car chases, this isn’t you movie.  But then the movie tries to do stuff towards the end, and it’s more implausible than me becoming a vegetarian Cowboys fan who licks swastikas for breakfast.  Sorta

Verdictgo: ALL THREE be Jeepers Worth A Peepers

ALL THREE might be playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Amazing Spider-Man
Re-Turn Off The Dark
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 136 min

No single person was like, WE NEED MORE SPIDER-MAN MOVIES, AND DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO GIVE US NEW ONES, LIKE, NOW, and like get rid of the original director, cast, pie eating so goodness, and start over with lesser talents, and literally start over with a movie that tackles Spider-Man’s origin story, again.  Granite, the Sam Raimmii version lost steam by the time it came and went to #3, so we can see why a re-boot was re-booted, but did it need to be re-booted so soon? RE-BOOOOOT??!??!?!

If you can somehow forget all about Tobey Maguire as Peter Parker, you will remember Andrew Garfield as the same dude, doing pretty much the same things. And while Marc Webb‘s take on the Spidey world certainly doesn’t weave new and unique webs, it certainly takes viewers back to the excitement and fun that was felt after seeing Tobey-Spidey #1.  Yep, this Spidey is the best Spidey since Spidey movie #1, cause we don’t remember anything about Spidey #2 & #3, cept the pie eating so goodness

OK, ok, ok, so Spidey 4’s villain (Rhys Ifans as a one-armed professor turned annoying lizard with Rhys Ifans’ voice) feels stoopid, looks stoopid, and is stoopid, but WHO CARES (we’ll, we did care a little, cause we kinda hated any scene involving the lizard)!!!!  Cause Andrew Garfield has more fun being Peter Parker than Tobey’s dead-eyed stare did, and we had more fun watching him as him than him as him!!  It’s ture!!!  And there’s no first dance for Mary Jane Watson here, juss plenty of hot exposed knee action from Emma Stone as Peter’s 1st love Gwen Stacy, and although she doesn’t have that much to do, but be hot and be related to Denis Leary, and be really hot, and like be SUPER HOT, but who cares, cause she’s so hotttttttt and we’d take her over Dunst anywaysdays.  The only knock on her performance was that she didn’t have a 90 minute shower scene.  Basterds!!!!  HOLLYWÃœRST, WHY DO YOU HATE SHOWER SCENES??!?!?  THOMAS EDISON INVENTED MOVIES SO HE AND WE COULD WATCH MOVIES WITH WOMEN SHOWERING!!!!!  STOP PISSING ON TOM ED’S GRAVE!!!!!  GIVE US US SHOWER SCENES!!!

moral of the story – they gave us a new Spider-Man, even if we didn’t want it, and while it may not be a Christopher Nolanesqueish funky-fresh take on the material, it is kinda fresh, and it has the best of the best Stan Lee cameos, and Martin Sheen is realllllly good, before he gets plugged [UNSPOILER ALERT!!], and Sally Field is OK, and it’s nice to see Hollywood hire Irrfan Khan, cause we love hearing him talk, and moist importantly, they employed…

C.Thomas Howell!!!!!:

C THOMAS HOWELL IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Spidey slings it at a theater near jews tomoorow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

To Rome With Love
Amore or Less-a – 4 Mini I-talian Woody Allen Movies
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 102 min

Woody Allen‘s latest has four I-talianish stories that have nothing to do with each other, or really anything in general.  here’s a breakdown of the 4 stories…

story 1 is about average schmo Roberto Benigni, who one day, for no reason, becomes famous for just being himself.  this story is more stoopid than a typical Roberto Benigni movie (not talking bout Life Is Beautiful here).  Woody should have just made him re-enact his winning an Oscar zaniness or maybe the two should juss remake Jerry Lewis’ never released The Day The Clown Died.  anywho, story 1 is a good story… to run out of the theater if you need to take a giant dump

story 2 is about a pair of newlyweds (Alessandra Mastronardi & Alessandro Tiberi) who come to Rome with big job prospects from relatives, but they first must impress them.  The wife gets lost in the city, and for no reason a prostitute (Penélope Cruz) arrives at the husband’s door, right when his relatives show up, so the relatives think that the hooker is his wife, so the husband pretends that she’s his wife, and hilarity doesn’t ensue.  Meanwhile, the wife gets more lost, and eventually locks arms with some bald movie star and yadda yadda, who cares, whatevs.webs

story 3 is about Woody (BACK IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA BIZNITCHES!!!! AHHHH YEAH!!!!) meeting his daughter (not muse, but solid Allen player Alison Pill)’s about to be in-laws.  New Yorkers meet Romans – hilarity kinda mildly ensues, cause future in-law mortician papa (opera tenor Fabio Armiliato) is a diamond in the rough opera tenor superstar, but is only a blammazin singer in the shower.  Woody wants to make him a star, but how can he be a star without a shower????  We’ll juss leave it at that, as the what happens next stuff (WHICH YOU ALREADY PROBABLY ALREADY FINGERED OUT, ALREADY, CAUSE YOU SO SMART)  is one of the bettererer parts of the movie, sorta

story 4 is about Jesse Eisenberg who falls in love with his girlfriend’s (non-actress Greta Gerwig) actress best friend (Ellen Page), all while getting sage imaginary advice from Alec Baldwin.  This is the typical, watchable, enjoyable Woody Allen movie story plot thing that happens to be trapped in a movie with half crap and 1/4 of semi-amusingness

moral of the story – for a movie set in Italy, it’s kinda odd that all the bits and pieces that don’t work mainly have to do with the Italian characters and actors in the film.  our thinking like this is nots causes we’re American and only like American stuff (you’ve been to our older sister-site, NonUSHotties, right???), but it’s a fact, as proven by we, by saying so, and we juss said so, that the Italian parts need more spicing in the a meatballs

Verdictgo: acceptable low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

To Rome gets a lil Love in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…