Thighs Wide Shut

The Spectacular Now
Collapse Into Now
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 95 min

I wanted it, I got it… for the most part

What did I want?  More movies like The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which are movies more like John Hughes movies, you know, awesome teen movies from the 80s with heart and soul and humor!

What did I get?  Director James Ponsoldt + writers Scott Neustadter & Michael H. Weber (The 500 Days of Summer dudes)’s cinematic take on Tim Tharp’s novel The Spectacular Now

For the most part?  Ok, so you can’t call your movie Spectacular and be anything but, but Spectacular is not full-on spectacular, but the movie certainly has the elements to be, and is closer to it more than not, and is certainly closer to it than a majority of the garbage teenage movies handed to us over the past decade

So what is this movie?  It’s the story of a popular, funny-mouthy, easy-breezy, Big Gulp with liquor swilling kid named Sutter Keely (Miles Teller).  Sutter has no real direction, unless that direction is headed toward fun.  He’s recently single (not by choice, and of course no one would choose to ever be apart from Brie Larson), and one hungover morning wakes up on the lawn of socially clueless Aimee (Shailene Woodley), and the next week they’re sorta blossoming into item, much to everyone’s surprise, including their own.  She seriously gets into him, but he’s kinda loosy-goosy on her, but he’s that way about everything – like his part-time job at the haberdasher (his boss is Bob Odenkirk, cause why not?), dealing with his stressed-out mom (Jennifer Jason Leigh, cause why not?), and with his future (he’s soon to graduate, but college schmollege?).  Maybe what he needs is a dose of reality, from his poshed-up sister (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), or estranged drunken father (THE Kyle Chandler), or perhaps Aimee can smack some sense into him, and if she can’t, who can????

Where it all ends up isn’t exactly some well-drawn out conclusion, but heck, we fell for Sutter Keely and would follow his hit or miss-adventures wherever they did done do roam!  That Miles Teller as Sutter Keely, I tells yea, that performance feels so mad mad mad real (and kinda reminds us of ourselvesz at that age, hence the attraction), and Woodley’s Aimee – even more more more genuine (she’s quite a talent, and it’s a shame the fanboys hated her out of Spider-Man reboot 2), and their coupling – even more than faux real, it’s like five real/reel!!!  Can we be their third wheel, six reals?  Hmmm, maybe this affair was spectacular after all, just not now.  Maybe then?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Spectacular is NOW today in NY & LA and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Blue Jasmine
I Left My Heart Has Nothing Left In San Francisco
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 98 min

Woody Allen‘s recent movies have ranged from unforgettable (Midnight In Paris) to forgettable (Whatever Works) to juss plain forgotten (had zero recollection as to what You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger was about).  And his latest – Blue Jasmine?  As a whole, it’s neither of the three, but of course you should see it, cause it’s a Woody Allen movie, but anyone who does see it will never EVER forget the performance that Cate Blanchett hands in as the title blue-stress.  Oh man, the screen burns with every fiery ember of Cate as Jasmine and her smoldering at-the-ready Chernobyl-level meltdowns.  HOT HOT HOT!!!  She’s a woman scorned, broken, battered, but trying to bounce back.  Will the world let her, or will she burn herself down into pile of alcohol-soaked black ashes?  We’re rooting for her at every (mis)step she takes, even though she’s one of the least rootable characters of 2013.  GO JASMINE!!

So how did Jassy Jasmine bottom out to such a low match point?  She turned a blind eye to husband Alec Baldwin‘s madoff-ing with other people’s monies & philandering all over New York, and before it was too late to open her eyes, she lost everything.  Now she’s begging at the door of Sally Hawkins, her adopted sister who Jasmine could give three sh$ts about.  But times are tough and any family is family when yer down and out and now in San Francisco (new Woody locale, yeah!!).  Hawkins has enuff stuff on her own plate, like trying to feed two kids she sired with ex-husband Andrew Dice Clay (not playing for nursery rhyme laughs, and it works!), and a non-stop yapping greasy new beau in the form of Bobby Cannavale (although his yawk-y character doesn’t seem like the kinda guy who’d be living in the Bay Area).  Of course Jasmine complicates matters for all parties involved, as anything she (or Woody) touches turns into instant-neuroticism.  Things eventually do get better between the sisters, and then they each meet a dashing new man – Jasmine + Peter Sarsgaard and Hawkins + Louis CK, but the likelihood of the forecast staying perma-sunny in a ‘blue’ movie is about the same as the chances that dentist Michael Stuhlbarg or dopey mustachio Max Casella have of scoring with Cate Blanchett

Wowsers Cate Blanchett!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Are you the best actress alive?  Dare we say possibly even bester than the grrrrrrrrrrrrrreat Meryl Streep?  Time will tell for some, but we may be ready to make and stick by such a bold claim.  Streep of course coulda played a perfect Jasmine, and has even worked with Woody before, but I just don’t see a Streep Jasmine giving me movie memory neurosis for time eternal.  Burn baby burn!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Blue is golden currently in NY & LA, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Conjuring
A Warren Commission
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 112 min

There was a real family who lived at a real Rhode Island farmhouse and creepy sh#t happened, and it scared the crap out of them, and a real life husband-wife team of paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren, came to their house and tried to set sh%t straight.  Regardless of what is actual fact or Hollywood fiction doesn’t matter, cause the film version of this tale - The Conjuring – delivers the best 70s’ horror film since… the 70s!  Sure, it’s no Exorcist, nor even The Omen, but it’s on par or even better than The Amityville Horror, and the 2009 throwback A Haunting In Connecticut, two flix both based off of other cases in the Warrens‘ files.  OK, so The Conjuring’s scares are old school cheap (voices in the dark, doors slamming, Lili Taylor‘s face), but are very old school effective. Purty crazy that this film was directed by the same guy that gave the world the Saw franchise life, James Wan.  Torture porn is so lame.  Real-ish life bumps in the night are so rad.  And so are Patrick Wilson & Vera Farmiga, who as Ed & Lorraine Warren are so f#&king best that we welcome more of their adventures, and welcome them to shower with me!!

Verdictgo: mos def Jeepers Worth A Peepers/Creepers

Conjuring boos you at a theater near jews

oh, and random of randomness – Joey King, who plays one of the haunted family members, was in some Mathew Modine-Kristen Chenoweth movie where she dressed up like Jodie Foster’s Taxi Driver kid prostitute, a Reservoir Dog, and a droog.  WTF??

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

quickies!

Monsters University
From Here To Fraternity 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
G | 104 min

Never saw the first one, so for once, seeing a prequel didn’t ‘ruin’ any of the fun, but Pixar = fun, cept when they try too hard or not hard enough.  Anywho, it was cool to hear cartoon Billy Crystal chat it up and become BFFs with cartoon John Goodman.  But fo’reals, why does every animnated movie have to have every single role, top to bottom, filled with celeb voices?  Don’t think kids really care that Helen Mirren is lending her pipes to give Dean Hardscrabble her scrabbles hard.  As for the adults, they don’t give a sh$t either, as Mirren’s voice added nothing, and mainly took away from this otherwise frivolously funned G-rated version of Revenge of The Nerds

–

Fill the Void
(Lemale et ha’halalrs)
The Marrying Kind
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG | 90 min

Sadly this is NOT the sequel or prequel to Enter The Void.  It’s about some Hasidic Israeli dude (Yiftach Klein) having his wife die during childbirth.  Everyone agrees he needs a new wife.  Everyone knows its gonna be his sister-in-law Hadas Yaron, cause she’s hot, and she knows how to deal with kids and she plays the accordion.  A touching movie with a conclusion that’s a tad too foregone.  Regardless – I give it 19 L’chaims! 

Btw, that  Hasidic Israeli dude is a total fox in real life!!!

Verdictgo: both  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Monsters roars at a theater near Jews, while Void Fills seats in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Man of Steel
Bigville
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 143 min

Dude, Zack Snyder was 2/3rds on his way to making the bestest Zack Snyder movie ever, but then he turned his Superman movie into Rampage, and then mine eyes and brain were like, NOOOOO!!!!  MAKE IT STOP!!!  MAKE IT STOP!!!  BUTTT still, 2/3rds amazing Zack Snyder movie is > most Zack Snyder movies!!!!  IT’S TRUE!!! Cause 300 was red sauce on würst pasta, no one saw that Owl movie, Sucker Punch sucked balls, and Watchmen, while technically and visually brilliant, has since left us with an empty impression.  But Snyder’s Superman (called Man of Steel) felt kinda fresh and exciting, even though we already know everything about Superman, and we’re still attached to the the idea of Christopher Reeve as the one AND only Superman

But…

Henry Cavill IS Superman.  He’s sexy, and he can furrow his brow, and we wanted to have sex with him on The Tudors, and we want to have sex with him now AND 9EVER!!  HE WIN ME!!!

Amy Adams is fine as Lois Lane, and certainly an upgrade over Kate Snoozeworth, but a deaf mute snail would have been an upgrade over Snoozyworth, so nothing shatteringearthy here.  Btw, Superman Returns was totally a good movie

Michael Shannon sure puts his own stamp of terence on General Zod, but how many times can Michael Shannon make a crazy face in a movie?  We worry about him!!  And he so scary that we never want to meet him in real life!

OMG OMG OMG Russell Crowe as El Guapo-El Papa Frita-Jor-El was the knees bees!!!!  Can he be our dad?  Can there be a prequel spinoff movie where he has a beard and does stuff on Krypton like bang his hot Israeli wife Ayelet Zurer til the Krypton cows come home??  The only thing he don’t got on Brando’s Jor is awesome white hair and the ability to mispronounce his planet as ‘Kryptin’

Kevin Costner & Diane Lane as Ma & Pa Kent were good enuff.  Nothing crazy, but mainly cause Smallville is the torch bearer for all young Clarkness stufffffs.  And WTF was up with Pa Kent saving that dog?  Look, I know people love dogs, but no dog is worth giving up yer own life for.  Spoiler alert – I just spoiled a refarted movie death for you, sorry

Laurence Fishburne is Perry White, EIC of the Daily Planet.  He has about as much to do in this movie as a stalk of Kent corn does

7-11, IHOP and Sears – they paid to be in this movie and they all get destroyed.  KINDA AWESOME!!!

The CGI – looked great, especially the shiz on Krypton, like that giant sun

But…

that last hour was juss TOOOOOOO much.  They could cut out about half of the destroying earth stuff, and the fighting in space things, and the Daily Planet intern being stuck in rubble whatevers.  Look, it’s cool to destroy a city and stuff, but the Rampageing didn’t do anything for me neither when it happened in The Avengers, and they only had a fraction of the destruction.  And seriouslyly, where does a sequel go from here?  How do you ‘top’ the toppling of Metropolis?  I’m sure Lex Luthor will pop up in Man of Steel II, but what he gonna do?  Threaten to destroy the city?  Been there, DONE WAY TOO MUCH OF THAT!

But…

There’s more to Snyder’s Superman than there is/was to Nolan (Man of Steel‘s writer/producer)’s Batman series.  It’s dark, but not TOO dark, but Snyder’s Supes is be more emotional and inspiring than watching Nolan’s Bruce Wayne wax and wane.  There’s no humor in either Superman or Batman, but who needs humor?  Those stupid Marvel movies have TOO MUCH HUMOR, and they is juss stoopid.  Enuff with winking at the camera, and just save the world, K?  Snyder and Nolan somehow get it, and for the most part, it’s really f#$king super, man!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Man of Steel soars currently at a theater near jews

oh, and major kudos to AMC who installed POOFY COMFY LEATHER RECLINING CHAIRS in a local theater that I always thought was a dumphole.  hope they do this to all their theaters, cause it’s a game changer!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…