Kent State of the Union Address

Superman Returns
A Lotta Highs & Lois

My eggsectations for Supe’s return were lower than drinking a Lowenbrau mixed with Sweet n Low while watching Sweet & Lowdown on the DL in Australia. I know, that’s purty low, but what is one to think when all the recent superhero movies have been nothing short of recent Martin Short debacles? Well, with the bar set lower than JFKJr’s bar exam scores, it would either play out hexactly as I imagined or have nowhere to go but up, up, and AWAY!!! And while not nearly as great as the first two Donner kebabs joints, although it tries real hard at emulating both, it does help to ease the pain that was # III (aka Richard Pryor skies down a building) & IV (aka Mariel Hemingway’s quest for a piece of a$$). Hell, this is Bryan Singer’s bestest flick since Apt Pupil The Usual Suspects.

My real pre-flick suspicion for suspect sussing all came from the movie’s principle casting. Routh mouth? The dypoopic duo from ’04’s Death to Smoochy Award recipent? NO CUTHBEST? How would this ever work? Well beyond the sea, and beyond belief!! Routh filled the red boots to a T, unlike Hayden Christensen, who filled the black boots with a big fat F. Kevin Spacey, who coulda easily baked a hammy ham as Lex Luthor, dials up a D for delicious… with much help from Parker Posey, flubs course. And the Boosworth? Enuff goodness for me to think that casting Cuthbest woulda been a huge mistake. Yep, she done good. So done good that I am OFFICALLY LIFTING MY JIHAD/FATWA AGAINST KATE BOSWORTH. Yep, no more boosworths coming from my fingers (unlike her on and offer Orlando Boo who’s perma on my shitlist). I mean, how could one lash out against the only real JOable Lois? And if any of you admit to JOing to Margot, I’d say that u’d be Kiddering me! (+ everyone knows that Karen Allen woulda made for a great lates 70s LL). But my flav outta the newbies? Sam Huntington‘s Tucker Carlsoned Jimmy Olsen. Dude’s probably already gottsen more a$$ than Marc McClure has in his entire life.

Oh, you still reading my dribble off of Rob Dibble’s chest? But lemme guess, you aint mucha fan of Supes Ret, right? A bit pissed that there be no plot? Well, if you want plots bitch, go to a cemetery. I’ll take this homage fromage rehash that will reap mad cash and keep me hankerin greenberg fo mo any day. Plus, what other movie coming out gonna have Marlon saying ‘Krip-tin’ again?

Recommended for those who like: Roger O Thornhill’s train bang, Robert Baccalieri Jr‘s hobby, and the faux Nikita

Possible Porno Name: Superman Returns The Favor With A Rusty Trombone

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Max Fleischer’s Superman cartoons [YouTubeness]

Apt MPupil3: ladell betts you couldn’t see these ones a cummin… ‘Jimmy Olsen’s Blues’ by The Spin Doctors [d] or ‘Superman’ by REM [d] or ‘Somebody Save Me’ by Remy Zero [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Lex’ sugar mommy, Noel Neill, played Lois Lane is the ye olde Superman TV shows as well Lois’ young mum in the 1978 Superman movie. Also, Bo the bartender, Jack Larson, played Jimmy Olsen in the same George Reeves’ joints as NN

This Weak’s Cosine of the Apocalypse: Kumar gets his comeuppance in Van Wilder 2: Rise of the Taj. If we count our lucky stars, maybe it’ll open the same weekend as Evan Almighty

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth All The Mr Peepers

What, you want a second opinion? We don’t normally do this, but what here at Thighs is normally? We’re anormally. So we got our collaborator, chief blesser, and super Supes fan Tom Wellington to throw his 3 cents in (possible spoliers)…

why is it that the moments in that movie that
moved me the most were
the moments that were direct references from my childhood
the titles zooming like they did
the way superman flies off at the end
exactly like the end of part 2
i mean
the movie was good
i really enjoyed it
and i’m completely gay for brandon routh
but really
lois lane has no ass and small tits
erica durance is WAY FUCKING BETTER
okay okay
the scene with the plane crashing that you see in the trailer
that’s great
really and truly great
but it’s sort of like a lousy lay with a great
looking partner
they blow their load way too soon
then you’re left cuddling
cuddling with a great
looking partner mind you
but really
after that

we learn that kumar is a real dick when not stoned
oh yeah
s-dude is bullet proof
who would have thought!!!!
and also…
the kid
who should have been played by THE KID
there was that
by the way
thank you bryan singer for
making me explain
where babies come from
to my 7 year old
so the kid made sense
what else….
new suit
new suit
it was all really well done
why did s-dude leave
what was the big secret?
the filmmakers are keeping that a big secret
what could it be?
went home because somebody saw
something in the sky
but it was for no reason and nothing was learned
and what was learned
had no philosophical impact on the plot or anyone
on earth at all
including s-guy!
and don’t tell me that it made
him realize that
he’s the last one of his kind
and now he’s got to stay here
we all knew that in 1978
and if it had some effect on him
it sure didn’t
change anything he did AT ALL
we do know that ma kent is not nearly as much a
MILF as the WB would
have us believe
and the end…
the end went on FOR FUCKING EVER
they should have ended the movie with s-dude in
the stadium and lois unconscious
but i did enjoy it
but it’s been all of one day since i saw it and
it’s already receding
to the part of my brain where i keep
the second MATRIX movie

ultimately the best movie ever
(based on his binary rating system that dubs each movie either the Best or Worst EVER)

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