The Conjuring
A Warren Commission
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
R | 112 min

There was a real family who lived at a real Rhode Island farmhouse and creepy sh#t happened, and it scared the crap out of them, and a real life husband-wife team of paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren, came to their house and tried to set sh%t straight.  Regardless of what is actual fact or Hollywood fiction doesn’t matter, cause the film version of this tale - The Conjuring – delivers the best 70s’ horror film since… the 70s!  Sure, it’s no Exorcist, nor even The Omen, but it’s on par or even better than The Amityville Horror, and the 2009 throwback A Haunting In Connecticut, two flix both based off of other cases in the Warrens‘ files.  OK, so The Conjuring’s scares are old school cheap (voices in the dark, doors slamming, Lili Taylor‘s face), but are very old school effective. Purty crazy that this film was directed by the same guy that gave the world the Saw franchise life, James Wan.  Torture porn is so lame.  Real-ish life bumps in the night are so rad.  And so are Patrick Wilson & Vera Farmiga, who as Ed & Lorraine Warren are so f#&king best that we welcome more of their adventures, and welcome them to shower with me!!

Verdictgo: mos def Jeepers Worth A Peepers/Creepers

Conjuring boos you at a theater near jews

oh, and random of randomness – Joey King, who plays one of the haunted family members, was in some Mathew Modine-Kristen Chenoweth movie where she dressed up like Jodie Foster’s Taxi Driver kid prostitute, a Reservoir Dog, and a droog.  WTF??

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Young Adult
Blurting With Disaster
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 94 min

Charlize Theron is a recently divorced, soon to be unemployed YOUNG ADULT ghost writer, who’s looking for something to do other than watch endless hours of reality garbage on E!.  So instead of facing her own pathetic reality, she returns to her jane average Minnesota hometown to dig up her old high school fantasy – re-capture the heart of her hunky former flame Patrick Wilson and live happily ever after.  Big problem – he’s married (to perky clean 5-headed Elizabeth Reaser) and has a newborn baby.  You know that this quest is thighly questionable and has a 9999% chance of not ending well.  Either she steals her former man and breaks a home OR she fails and destroys everything she touches.  Enjoy!!

Hactually, at times, the restrained Jason Reitman directed / Diablo Cody written film (‘restrained’ is a word we never expected to use to describe ANYTHING either of these two wacky kids have done did do) is enjoyable – Theron goes cruel angry on everyone and it’s funny & Patton Oswalt goes gimpy spiteful and it’s delightful, but there’s almos too much bleakness abound, and this runaway train has only one destination – DESTRUCTIONVILLE!!!!  And when we actually get there, it’s kinda like oh, OK, now what’s suppose to happen, and then the movie ends, with not much accomplished eggcept showing off Charlize’s ability to make us laugh, which we guess is OK, but where’s the hamburger phone gagging us with a bloggerino?  NOT!!!

moral of the story: Young Adult is the least annoying, pretentiousousousous, and diarrheaed-dialoged movie Reitman or Cody has ever been involved in, and yet it’s a fragmented frumpy un-fairy tale of cut downs and not much up-dogs.  What does that mean?  No idea.  Better question – is the Diablo honeymoon over?  Yes.  She won an Oscar for blogging about teens using hamburger phones, and hasn’t been able to top that thus far…  although we didn’t find Hamburger Phone Blogging: The Movie all that tops to begin with.  moral of this paragraph?  We’d probably rather watch Agent Cody Banks than something by Diablo Cody.  Maybe?

Hold The Phone: who wants a freaking hamburger phone when you can have a…

HAMBURGER BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: low low low low low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Young Adult doesn’t grow up today in limited release, and elsewhenelsesoon

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Morning Glory
Broadcast Snooze?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Rachel McAdams is überly-cheery, Harrison Ford is overly disgruntled, Diane Keaton is lusciously loopy, Jeff Goldblum is really tall and talks like a pompous jackass, and Patrick Wilson is the WASPyiest looking dude that all women want to bang.  Welcome to Morning Glory, where those actors do those things (don’t they always?), under one movie, for which it stands, and it’s like watching Broadcast News meets Working Girl meets a common denominator lower than the lowest common denominator.  Sorry, were you expecting something more?  We weren’t, and thus it met our expectations!!!  Great!!  Not really.  Awful!!!  Not really!!!  Perfectly mediocre nonsense that one day will make for quality afternoon HBO watching?  Egggggzactly!!  So after this & Definitely Maybe, what’s the next Oasis album title turned movie?  A buddy cop dramedy starring David Keith & Keith David called Standing on the Shoulder of Giants???? Why not?!?!?!!

Unwelcome Matt: there’s juss something crazily creepy about actor Matt Malloy that we can never get over and keeps us from ever fully enjoying his work as an actor.  probably stems from his assholedry alongside Aaron Eckhart in Labute’s In The Company of Men.  come to think of it, it’s hard to like Eckhart in anything either cause of Men

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Morning Glory rises and slimes at a theater near Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

and oh, fellas, if you get dragged to this,
you at least get a piece of this!!!!!