Thighs Wide Shut

Black Mass
KICKS MAJOR MASS!!!!!!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 122 min

American Hustle basically sucked.  Black Mass is the opposite of American Hustle, although the two share a decade, large pompadour hairdos, and strong machismo overacting

Above all – Johnny Depp is terrifying as real-life baddie Whitey Bulger.  And above that – Depp is udderly incredible in the film.  Obviously Depp is an incredible actor, but this may be his best (non-Tim Burton) performance since 1998’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.  I credit two things with this great achievement – the hair and the make-up.  So far, I’m rooting for no horses in the Oscar race, but Depp’s Mass face deserves a gold man, so I guess I’m rooting for that

Depp’s bad hair, bad skin, and cold blue killer eyes will haunt me 9ever

his look is like a combo of this-es…

Johnny S. Thompson Loathing with Fear

meets all the Biff Tannens of BTTFII

meets Flattop of Dick Tracy

meets William Forsythe in general

meets Coppola’s Dracula

meets Electro of Spider-unwatchble-reboot-2

meets Gollum

meets the creepy-eyed lizard aliens of V

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Black Mass preaches the bad words currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Steve Jobs
It’s No Pirates of Silicon Valley
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 122 min

Do you like 3 act plays, endless Aaron Sorkin scripted banter, and not knowing much about Steve Jobs and what he did?  Well then, you will LOVE Danny Boyle‘s Steve Jobs.  The movie does a good jobs… at being a movie, but not necessary at being a Steve Jobs movie.  YES – it’s entertaining, and enthralling, and it makes you nervous and uncomfortable at times.  YES – the acting is excellent (even Seth Rogen wasn’t horrible!!!), the direction is lovely, the design is nice, but this is not the Steve Jobs movie I was expecting, or the one the world should have received

The movie is broken down into three periods of Steve Jobs life – thru three product launches – the Macintosh, the NeXT, and the iMac.  And the movie shows Jobs prepping for these launches in green rooms, with various people from his life popping in and bothering him with things keeping him down or standing is his way – the daughter he disowned, his founding partner he dismisses, his assistant who he dishes endless commands to, and other people who he treats like garbage sauce.  But Jobs, and these people, are kinda turned into one-dimensional characters – the shouter and the people being shouted at

Don’t get me wrong – the shouting and the being shouted at make for a great film, and this is a great-ish film, but for people who don’t really know who Steve Jobs is or what Apple was and what they became because of Jobs – this movie fails to deliver that, and the people need this, for today and the future

Plus, most of what happens in the movie isn’t true or ever happened

Plus, Michael Fassbender looks nothing like Steve Jobs.  He looks like Michael Fassbender

Plus, there was a movie that did what I am asking for it to do – tell the story, the whole story, and included shouting (and no, I’m, not talking about the Ashton Kutcher one, although that one wasn’t awful, in fact, it was pretty good!).  And the guy who plays Steve Jobs looks like Steve Jobs (go Noah Wyle!!!!!!!!!!)  And it was made-for-TV, and made pre-iPod.  And it’s amazing, even with its limited budget, and it includes Bill Gates’ story and awesome 80s glasses, and I love it, LOTS

WATCH PIRATES OF SILICON VALLEY!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Steve Jobs boots up at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Bridge of Spies
Spies Like Them
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 141 min

Steven Spielberg knows history!  And how to turn histories into movies!!  And he knows how to direct Tom Hanks!!!  These things all come together (again) in the serviceably good enough Bridge of Spies, the duo’s fourth pairing, and probably the lesser of the four (Saving Private Ryan / Catch Me If You Can and yes, even less so than The Terminal, which is amazingly awesomely horribly cheesy awesome!!)

What do you know of Cold War spies?  Me, I knew the name  Francis Gary Powers (not to be confused with Gary US Bonds) and that he was in a U-2 spyplane, and there was an incident – it got shot down over the USSR, and boy he didn’t know how unlucky he was… to be back in the US, back in the US, back in the USSR!!!  Oh, and that the band U2 got their name from this plane!  Oh, and czech this – Bono’s daughter – Eve Hewson – is in the movie!!!!  It’s like U2 jr meets U-2 senior!!!

What I didn’t know is that we wanted to swap a Soviet spy caught in America (Rudolf Abel by way of chameleon Mark Rylance, who is also the best part of the movie) for FG Powers and that the trade couldn’t be administered directly by the US government, and so someone had to do it.  TOM HANKS!!!!  as James B Donovan!!!  HE DID IT!!!  Spoiler alert.  Ooops, history spoils everything, and to the victors go the spoils!!!  We won the Cold War!!  The trade of spies was like a tie, but Tom Hanks won our hearts!!!

Will you miss out if you skip out on this movie?  Probably not.  A nice 30 minute show on the incident should suffice.  + this is no Munich, which is the kinda history movies Señor Spielbergo should be making, instead of a warm and fuzzy cold war pic, or something wooden and predictable like Lincoln, which I forgot all about until I had write a review of Steven’s latest

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Spies Bridges the Cold War knowledge gap at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Vacation
Rustyed Roots
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 99 min

When you see 2015’s Vacation you automatically don’t expect it to eclipse or come even close to what 1983’s National Lampoon’s Vacation is or was.  Then again, when you see a comedy in 2015, or pretty much any time you saw a comedy this century, it has rarely been anything remotely comparable to what  made those classic 80s comedy classics.  That golden era is way over.  Comedy has changed, not so much evolved, perhaps even devolved (blame Sandler), but I personally do not expect much from a comedy in this day in age (or expect much of anything from anything!).  DAMN YOU 21st CENTURY!!!! YOU BLOW GOATS!!!!  The exceptions have been exceptional, but I can count them on my toes – The (two) Trips, Borat y Brüno, Death At A Funeral (the Caucasian version), Napoleon Dynamite, and the Jackass series.  It’s a sad state of affairs for a genre that’s suppose to be funny.  Well, the new Vacation is NOT joining that list, but…

They made a new Vacation, and of course we had to see it, and kinda have to admit – was even a little excited for it.  Love me some Ed Helms, and the thought of him playing a grown-up Rusty Griswold seemed like the right idea… and that is certainly the case here (plus you juss KNEW he was going to sing, and I love him singings).  Sure, he’s no (vintage) Chevy Chase, but who is?  No one.  So throw that dumb thought out.  And what about Christina Applegate as the modern day Beverly D’Angelo?  Works for me, and the movie too!  Throw in two kids with mostly thankless roles (Skyler Gisondo + Steele Stebbins), a silly vehicle, grand ole American destinations, and you have – a road trip movie with enuff jokes and sight gags (mostly dumb ones) to make me laugh, early and often.  YES, there’s stuff in there that doesn’t work/isn’t funny (the Four Corners cops especially), but co-writers/directors John Francis Daley (yeah, that awkward looking kid from Freaks & Geeks) and Jonathan Goldstein do a good enuff job to not blow out the tires on the Griswolds’ latest batch of screen fun

Yep, the new Vacation is totally NOT awful.  It’s totally no 1983 Vacation, but it’s its own modern comedy thing, and while none of us will probably be quoting it 30 years from now, I’d be fine with another Vacation three years from now with Helms at the helm… but only if they replace their kids with other actors.  Not cause they aint any good at acting, but juss cause, you know

–

ps – it blew my mind when I later in life found out that it was the dude from Fleetwood Mac who sang ‘Holiday Road‘ (which obviously was used in the new movie).  czech out the original video for it.  super 80s strange! (they also don’t make music vids like they used to either!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHf5yiIxhoQ

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Vacation hits the road at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Minions
Spin-Off Limits
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 91 min

There are würst 6 year-old birthday parties than a trip to see Minions, and this is where I come in.  It is actually where I come in, since I never saw Despicable Me 1 or 2.  And since I never saw either of those, it’s hard for me to say what Minions the movie is, other than an OK enuff movie with cool looking yellow things that occasionally say funny things, like ‘banana’ and stuff.  I particularly liked the first part of the movie where there’s a montage of the Minions trying to find a new master to be ruled by, only to somehow bring down the master they so love, and then start the search over again, and again, and again (it’s in the movie’s trailer).  That shiz was good.  The rest of the movie was juss OK.  The kids loved it all.  A parent in our party said that this stand-alone Minions movie wasn’t as good as the other movies, cause the Minions can’t be the focus, and that they shine brighter in the background.  And there you go!  But if you have a kid, you’ve already seen this, and already know this.  For the rest of you without kids, stop seeing kids movies, and start having kids, or at least try to

Oh, btw, in Staten Island, Lois Lane LIVES!!!!!

Verdictgo: mild Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Minions making ZILLIONS at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…