Thighs Wide Shut

The Witch
Fraught Pilgrims vs the World
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 92 min

Somewhere between The Crucible and The Village (and The Wicker Man) lives Robert Eggers‘ The Witch – a quiet creeper that will have you shying away from the woods, and goats, and time traveling back to a time in American history where pilgrims prided themselves on their own pride

This story is about a pilgrim family, expelled from a pilgrim colony, and forced to make it on their own in the New England wilderness of the 17th century (that’s the 1600s, for those knot in the know).  The family doesn’t have much beyond themselves and prayer.  There’s a father (Ralph Ineson, better known as The Office‘s Finchy) whose trying to keep his family afloat (and somehow builds an entire house on his own… although the building of said house is not shown in the movie), a wife (Kate Dickie) who doesn’t seem to do too much, outside of birthing kids and yelling at them, and… a bunch of kids.  The one kid doing most of the stuff around the household (Anya Taylor-Joy) lets the one thing happen that never should have – as she was caring for her baby brother – BOOM – the baby disappears!!  Where did the baby go?  Was it snatched up by a wolf?  A witch?  A wolfwitch? A chipwich?????

This is where things get quieter and creepier – and where our family members start venturing into the woods, when you know they shouldn’t go anywhere near it.  More bad things happen, again, and again, and family members start to get possessed, and then they start turning on one another.  More bad things happen, and then things go even quieter, and even creepier, and BOOM – the movie ends

What happened?  What’s up with that woman who looks like the woman from the Shining bathtub?  Why does this feel like an M Night Shamalalaananan movie (the good kind, like he used to make)?  Who would want to leave their country and live in the middle of nowhere of a new country?  How is Finchy not in every movie???  You might have the same questions, or form your own, but The Witch won’t answer any of them – it will juss A and B-witch you from start to finish!!!

Ode To Joy: Anya T-Joy is one to watch (and gawk at!)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Creepers

Witch is boom and vroooooooom at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Revenant
Useless S. Grunt
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 156 min

How do you like your Leonardo DiCaprio?

Bearded?

Frozen?

Speaking in Injun talk AND in grunts?

Drooling?

Raped?

well, you get ALL these Leos in Alejandro G. Iñárritu‘s latest zero funfest, that’s more endurance test, than enjoyable movie going  

Yes, welcome to The Revenevavnaveananenanenenananat!!!!!!!!!!!

YES, the backgrounds are beyond beautiful, and the injuns are cool and creepy, and YES, the story is kinda sorta true (which ALWAYS makes a movie instantly more interesting)

but NO to everything else

I mean, the fur trapping and wading in water was kinda cool at the beginning, but that all ends and it pretty much becomes the Tom Hardy is a giant a$$hole show, and you can barely understand what he says, even less than when he was Bane, and he’s being chased by Leo, who is tyring to be less understandable.  So it’s like a revenge pic, an endlessly mumbling one, and you juss keep waiting and waiting for the revenge, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

YES, the beards and snow are wicked cool, but NO thanks to the rest

I mean, I guess if one good thing comes out of the pain and snoring – Leo will finally gets his elusive gold man

Verdictgo: for the scenery only - Jeepers Somewhat Worth A Peepers. for the snoozyery, meeeeeeeehh - Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

The Revenant revs its engine and frozen beards at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Room
About A Boy
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 118 min

There are more fascinating and disturbing abduction tales out there – like the Fritzl case

There are more horrific and painful abduction tales turned into (TV) films – like Cleveland Abduction

But there’s Room, and Room isn’t really about abduction – it’s about a boy (born out of abduction).  And it’s not really about a boy – I mean it is – but what it is really about is how amazingly the boy is played – by Jacob Tremblay – like Tatum O’Neal Paper Moon amazing

There is a mother of the boy - Brie Larson – and she’s strong, as a mother, and Larson’s performance as the mother is strong too, but the movie isn’t really about the mother, and yet, all the external (read: awards) attention is being heaped upon the mother

What about the boy?

The boy is filled with magic and wonder and innocence.  And then it’s all shattered (mom and son escape abduction half way thru), and then the film isn’t nearly as good, but it doesn’t matter, cause we’re with the boy, and the boy by Jacob Tremblay is boy o boy!

Yeah booooooooy!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Room doesn’t have a view at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Hitchcock/Truffaut
Book Wormed
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 79 min

This book is required reading for anyone who loves film (loving Hitchcock doesn’t hurt, but not loving Hitchcock is punishable by death) 

Before this book was published, Alfred Hitchcock was regarded as a mere entertainer, but the label wouldn’t last after fan, and fellow director François Truffaut extensively interviewed Hitch for over a week, dissecting his work and process and amazingnessness.  The results were an ephinany to the industry and filmgoers everywhere.  The perception of Hitch started to change – and form into how we think of him today – a true artist and visionary, who changed cinema forever

Any love this book can get is welcomed by me.  I was introduced to it in my Hitchcock class at IU.  I have never forgotten it, but I hadn’t thought about it in awhile, so was glad to have my memory jogged by Kent Jones, who sorta made a doc about it

I say ‘sorta’ – cause he sorta talks about the Hitch/Truffaut interviews and book, and even plays audio clips from the interviews, but Jones keeps veering too far away from them.  Instead of going all in on them – he gives way too much of the running time to other modern film directors basically saying that they love Alfred Hitchcock over and over.  Sure, I love hearing it from Fincher and Scorsese and others, but I didn’t enter the theater for that.  I wanted Hitchcock/Truffaut, not Hitchcock/Truffaut/and a bunch of other gushing directors verbally JOing

STILL, any doc celebrating Alfred Hitchcock is worth seeing, but if you want to know about Hitchcock/Truffaut, yer juss gonna have to read the book, cause this is no adaptation, juss Cliff Notes, barely noting anything

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hitchcock/Truffaut slashes its way currently in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Trumbo
The Brave One
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 124 min

Dalton Trumbo had an awesome name, and an awesome mustache, but his life was far from awesome.  Yeah, the man won two Academy Awards for writing screenplays, but the first one he won – had another writer’s name attached to it instead of his, and his second one had to have a pseudonym on it cause he couldn’t work under his own name.  Ya see – Dalton Trumbo was an unabashed, overly outspoken communist living in America, who loved America – but he lived in a time where being red was scary to others, and so when the House Un-American Activities Committee came calling and wanted him to come name calling, he refused, and so he + 9 others became the Hollywood Ten – blacklisted from working in Hollywood, and living a normal life

Jay Roach‘s Trumbo tells (t)his story.  And (t)his story was actually already told, in doc form, back in 2007 with the eggsalad, and same named Trumbo.  I love docs so much, and would normally tell you that you MUSS see the doc before bothering with the movie (or not bother with the movie at all), but this movie is juss as good at telling the story – even if the movie itself feels like one of those biopic movies made for HBO – you know, a good movie, but nothing highly cinematic

But I had fun watching the mostly downs of Trumbo’s life, cause the cast was having such a hoot hooting along.  There was Helen Mirren being a bitch, Diane Lane being supportive, John Goodman being loud, Louis CK trying to act, Elle Fanning fanning the flames, Alan Tudyk tudyuking, and Michael Stuhlbarg playing Edward G. Robinson!!!  

And then there’s Bryan Cranston.  By the time Breaking Bad was winding down, I grew tired of Bryan Cranston.  This fatigue had less to do with him, and more juss to do with everyone not shutting up about Bryan Cranston, and so my opinion on him started to sour a bit.  I was like, enuff with the Bryan Cranston!!!!!!!!!  But after his trumboniously delicious work as the title character here, I have a full on trumboner for Bryan Cranston again.  And he’s sooooo good with that thick mustache (and smoking) that I think he should shave his head and play Rich Uncle Pennybags in a Monopoly movie!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Trumbo trumbos tonight in NY/LA and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…