J Edgar
Hoover? What? When? Where? And Sometimes Why?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 137 min

Don’t know what’s wrong with more than 1/2 of the critics who reviewed J Edgar.  Did they even see the same movie we saw?  Was there not enough J Edgar Hoover picking up the dirt (hoovering!) for them?  Did they find the quality Clint Eastwood direction directionless?  Was Leonardo DiCaprio‘s best work since What’s Eating Gilbert Grape not bestiful enuff for their boasteringing, despite the impossible task of playing someone he looks nothing like (which oddly enuff was what made The Aviator crash)?  Was Armie Hammer too handsome for them to clap their hands some?  Was the Dustin Lance Black script too straight without a chaser?  Were they pissed Naomi Watts didn’t give Judi Dench some carpet cleaning?  What’s yer problems, yo???

Seriously folks, J Edgar is a fine fine movie.  It takes a notorious and mysterious figure of 20th century American history and notoriousizeses him, while still keeping his enigma wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in a woman’s slip, and entertains us.  What more do you want?  We may not get a complete picture, but how do you make a complete picture of a man who ran a bureau of secrets, with a bureau filled with STILL unknown secrets????  You don’t, and even if this flick had early 90s Oliver Stone written all over it, Stone didn’t make it, and thank dog he didn’t today, cause he’s no longer up to the task, but Clint Eastwood is and he did it and he did it right (heck, there’s not a ton of gangstering goings on, but it’s a zillion times betterer than whatever Public Enemies was).  So, GET OFF MY LAWN!!!  and critics, GET OVER YER YAWNS!!!!!

moral of the story:  we’re totally gay for J Edgar Hoover and this movie about him.  He may have been misguided, but he got the job done, no matter what the costs were, and no matter how much make-up they had to cake onto Leo to make him look like old man Charles Foster Kane (see below below)

Creepy Ship Lollipop: J Edgar Hoover & Shirley Temple, a WTF relationship for the ages

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

J Edgar digs up the good dirt currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Into The Abyss
A Tale of Death, A Tale of Life
The Texas Killing Buildings
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 107 min

Werner Herzog makes a jarring case against the death penalty is his mos eggsalad Into The Abyss (wait, hasn’t James Cameron cornered the market on all ‘Abyss‘ titled movies?).  While the doc didn’t really shift our opinion on the matter (we’re still kinda undecided.  killing people is wrong, but shouldn’t horrible people suffer for their sins?), it did scare us straight in a Scared Straight! kinda way, which means it scared us the f%^k away from doing anything that would ever land ourselves in jail or to the 36 chambers of state sponsored death.  5reals!!

Abyss revolves around the crimes and punishments of Texan two-some Michael Perry and Jason Burkett.  Basically, Perry & Burkett really wanted a flashy car and ended up killing a bunch of innocent people that stood between them and it.  They got caught, and one received a death sentence, and the other, a life sentence.  Herzog and his iconic/ironic voice takes us back to the beginning of the story and quickly brings us up to speed, on the motivations and emotions of all parties involved – the criminals (what the frak were you guys thinking!!!), the families of the victims (these poor poor people!!!!), the families of the criminals (listening to Burkett’s own jailed dad talk about seeing his son follow in his despicable footsteps is some of the saddest talkings we’ve heard in awhile), and even the death row angels of death (a chilling and unforgettable perspective from these final justice servicers)

There’s not much happiness in all this gloom and doom, but Herzog still finds a silver lining deep down in The Abyss. While it’s conflicting to watch Perry wind down his final days of life so nonchalantly, with a giant toothy grin (you almos feel sorry for the bastard!), it’s even mo sirprizing and even a lil inspiring to see how Burkett has found his own bit of happiness, and hope for the future.  Sure, he has zero chance of ever being released, but that hasn’t stopped him from gaining a wife, and miraculously, a baby(!) since being incarcerated!!!

moral of the story: there may be no life after a death sentence, but apparently there can be life after a life sentence!!! to kill the killers or to let them live?  that is the question, but what is the right answer?  well, that’s just another question!

Into Into: there are two other IMDb Into The Abysseses – a 15 minute short from 1993 and a 2001 TV bio about a scuba diver.  class disabyssed

Verdictgo: potent, potent, potent stuff.  Can’t THIGHLY recommened it enuff - Breast In Show!!!!!

Into The Abyss rises up in limited release this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Skin I Live In
(La Piel que Habito)
Arts & Grafts
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 117 min

WARNING WARNING WARNING – THE SKIN I LIVE IN IS AMAZING, BUT DISGUSTING, BRILLIANT, BUT TWISTED, SEXY, BUT REVOLTING, and slain and pimple A MUSS MUSS MUSS SEE, but it may make yer skin crawl right off yer body

Thank you Pedro Almodóvar, for being.  We keep forgetting (SOMEHOW!!!) that he is without question (in our minds), the best director alive.  Yes, even more so than Finchdog.  If one of Pedro’s films is playing in a theater, it is automatic for the people that you peoples should see it.  99999reals

We don’t even want to tell you a single detail of Skin‘s plot, not to ruin any of the fun, but not to ruin any of the agony.  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!  Lets juss say it’s Eyes Without A Face meets Vertigo meets Frankenstein meets amazingness on a half-shell.  Isn’t that enuff info to go on?  Well how bout hactually enjoying (if you can call this movie enjoyable) a rare Antonio Banderas performance in his native tongue (juss like seeing Penélope Cruz in Spanish >  Penélope Cruz in English).  Or yet another glorious eggcuse to ogle all over the muy bontia Elena Anaya, who is rapidly climbing up our current mos hotness actress chart… even if you might be repulsed by the sight of her by the time the credits roll (NO SPOILERS!!!!).  You need no eggcuses to see this people.  This is an Almodóvar pelicula we’re talking bout!!

Remember kids, anything with the word ‘skin’ in it is probably the ultimate shiz, like Skins or Skin or Mysterious Skin or The Redskins or Tony Skinn or fried chicken skin from Popeyes!!!!!! So, LIVE THRU THIS!!!  IT’S SKIN DEEP!!!

Queer Eye For The Straight Guy: Almodóvar may be at his most genius when it comes to casting über-calor chicas with big bright eyes.  he introduced us to the love of our life, Leonor Watling, employed the aforementioned hotress Elena Anaya, and now has tossed this newbie beauty in front of our ojos…

Blanca Suárez

bless you Almodó!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: BREAST IN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Live in this Skin this Friday in NY & LA, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Moneyball
Straight A’s
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 133 min

Moneyball does cinematic poetry to statistical baseball analysis and management like The Social Network did with internets social networking empire building. The recipe – take a best selling book with a subject matter that might not lend itself to being a compelling thing to watch, throw in some punchy Aaron Sorkin (+ Steven Zaillian) words, a great cast & score, and let the good times roll.  And roll, they do!!!

Moneyball will make you believe that David still has a chance against Goliath.  It will make want to buy an Oakland A’s hat.  It will make you rethink Brad Pitt.  We were pretty much done with star, but for the first time in awhile, he’s acting as someone else (Billy Beane), and not juss being Brad Pitt the movie star in a movie.  It will make you yearn for endless Jonah Hill dramatic work (see Cyrus.  seriously, see that movie.  he was fantastic in it) or for him to have stayed fat forever (he just looks wrong, but good for him).  It will make you want to have a daughter that plays guitar.  It will make you wish that Philip Seymour Hoffman was hatcually a baseball manager.  It will make you swear that Chris Pratt isn’t really a prat.  It will make you aware that Bennett Miller (Capote) might really be quite good as this directing thing

But there’s gotta be some bad, right? OF COURSE!  WE CAN EVEN FIND BAD IN POPEYES FRIED CHICKEN (their lack of biscuit sangwiches).  Here’s the ‘bad’ – no AC/DC’s ‘Moneytalks’, the A’s don’t win the World Series (no spoiler there kids), and it’s kinda long.  Well, so is baseball, so maybe they got it right (they did)

BALK THIS WAY, TALK THIS WAY!!!

Hammer Time: always found this tibit so fascinating…

MC Hammer got his nickname from his childhood job with the Oakland Athletics.  Eccentric longtime A’s owner Charlie O Finley loved Stanley Kirk Burrell, the talented kid who danced in the team’s parking lot and eventually became a batboy and an errand boy for the club, and the benevolent owner called him ‘Little Hammer’ because he thought Burrell looked like ‘Hammerin’ Hank Aaron. When the Little Hammer picked up the mic, he became M.C. Hammer [via MFloss]

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Moneyball is atop the standings today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Drive
Motive Auto
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 100 min

Everything about Drive is so f%cking cool – the 80s snyth pop, the toothpicks, Albert Brooks‘ nice-guy-asshole asshole nice-guyedness, that satin scorpion jacket, the lighting in the elevator on Carey Mulligan‘s adorable face, the use of the Risky Business font, Ryan Gosling‘s clenched leathered fists, Christina Hendricks 8 seconds of screen time, balancing the audio between the police scanner and the basketball game, that creepy rubber face mask, Bryan Cranston‘s limp, Nino’s delicious menu, Oscar Isaac‘s sudden fall, strippers watching hammer time, Ron Perlman‘s annoyingness properly used, handshakes, hand holding, and pretty much every single choice director Nicolas Winding Refn made to make Drive drive

What about the script?  It was aiiiiight, but this baby’s all style (AND DETAILS!!!), and has enough substance that you should substance abuse this

This is what all 5 Fast & Furiouseses should have been

Get out of your dreams and into a car to see Drive!

Drive-ing Map: thanks to Movieline, when now know where all of Gosling’s pit stops are, including where Nino/Vincenzo’s Pizzerias is/are!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show 

Drive wees crazy at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…