Tag Archives: Clint Eastwood

We Are All Dave Toschi

without SFPD Detective David Toschi

Bullitt would be shooting blanks

Dirty Harry would be too clean cut

Mark Ruffalo wouldn’t have the role he and his hair were born to play

and Luke Skywalker would not have a better place to be

hamill card 5

thank you Detective Toschi.  if it makes you feel better, no one else ever caught the Zodiac either

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Handler Chesley

Sully
Winging It
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 96 min

sully

You know the story – a plane is in mad flying trouble and a mild-mannered pilot with an awesome white mustache lands the plane in the Hudson River with zero casualties.  IT’S THE MIRACLE ON THE HUDSON!!!  (like Moscow Over The Hudson, but less Russian, but in even more of a hurry).  But did you know our dear Captain was questioned after the fact by our government for how he saved lives????  Thanks for doing your job guy, now lets tell you how you did it wrong!!  And did you know that his co-pilot had an equally awesome MUSTache???????

What could have easily been a good Lifetime movie, is an even better Clint Eastwood film (and even better than the fictional downer Flight), even though the conclusion is no surprise, and there’s about 4 minutes of actual story… or so you might think.  Well, every story needs a bad guys, and ours are a bunch of bad white dude investigators from the NTSB.  DAMN YOU!!! YOU ARE EVEN WORSER THAN NKOTB!!!!!

Whatevs, our angel in the sky –  Chesley ‘Sully’ Sullenberger is a fcuking hero above many other fucking awesome heroes, and of course everything’s gonna be alright – CAUSE HOW COULD YOU CONDEMN A MAN WHO SAVED PEOPLE!?!?!??!?  AND DID WE MENTION HIS CO-PILOT (JEFF SKILES) AND HIS CO-AWESOMESZOZ MUSTACHIO???

sully-skiles

I know you think it’s funny that Tom Hanks always gets himself into travel trouble in the movies that he’s in, and that we should never travel with him – but that’s the dumbest thing (and meme) I’ve ever heard.  What, you want to travel with handsome dudes like Brad Pitt or George Clooney?  Those dudes don’t stand a chance.  They’d drown cause they’d be too busy combing they’d hairs!!!  Tom Hanks is the captain – now AND forever.  Those other dudes are just pretty window dressing, or aisle dressing, or middle seat dressing, and they’d not really all that good at acting etiher.  It’s hard to sympathize with beauty.  I’m with everyman Hanks, thru thick or thin, staying afloat or sunk as the Cleveland Browns playoff chances.  Hanks for the memories Tom, now and forever.  Fly us to the moon, or to the bottom of the sea, and we’ll come and see it, no matter what your final disaster destination is

Verdictgo:  Breast In Show

Sully soars the unfriendly skies at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Biopicky

Get On Up
Soul Brother # Won
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 138 min

get on up

I know who James Brown is. Lucky to have seen him in concert, TWICE! Perhaps today’s kids aren’t all up on their Godfather of Soul knowledge – and hence the need for dem to GET ON UP on it, as suggested by the talking head testimonial trailer singing his singing praises, that’s been used more as this biopic’s trailer than its own actual trailer. Well, regardless if you know JB or don’t, your probably won’t learn much about him in Tate Taylor‘s (The Help) lively, but information-free Get On Up

Sure, the film starts off with a bang – focusing on his infamous run-in/away from the law, and sizzles the ears til its finish – with the actual recorded versions of Brown’s vocals and music pumpin loud, but by the end, the picture isn’t really complete. I was saying to myself, I know James Brown, but I don’t know anymore than I knew before I saw this here film. And tsk tsk for no nods to his time with The Blue Brothers (even if Dan Aykroyd is in the movie), or ‘Living In America’ for Rocky IV or being wasted on TV!!!

But but but but but, you wanna know what? Sure, the story is thin, but his music is THICK, and JB’s shtick shines on, in the soulful shoes of Chadwick Boseman. Boseman displayed quiet brilliance as Jackie Robinson in last year’s 42, and exudes beyond exudtion exuding in Get On Up (even if his JB accent sorta sounds like Casey Affleck and his annoying voice). The movie IS his performance (+ some excellent make-up work), and Boseman not only plays the man, he IS the MAN. He should play every prominent African-American figure of all thymes. They should remake Ray and see what he can do with it. Or they should make a movie where Jamie Foxxxx’s Ray Charles teams up with Boseman’s Brown to fight all the Marvel characters!!!

The supporting players are gifted actors – Nelsan Ellis, Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer – but they aint the MAN like Boseman is, like James Brown is, like Boseman as Brown is is

Funk don’t quit, even if the funk is uninformative

Jersey Boys
Oh What A Blight!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 134 min

jersey boys

There’s nothing more cheesy than the Jersey Boys musical. That is until I encountered the movie version of the musical, directed by the ‘musical’ Clint Eastwood, which reveals JUSS how cheesy the musical is, when you add in close-ups and sets and things and stuff

You either know who Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons are or you don’t. If you don’t, you probably won’t care to see how they came together and overcame ‘adversity’ to make such sweet sweet music. You actually don’t need to know their story, since there isn’t much of one (unlike the life of James Brown), but the music is juss so darn good. I mean, my wife and I saw Frankie months back (HE’S STILL GOT IT!!!!), and the first dance at our wedding was to ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off You’

When I first saw this movie, I was repelled and repulsed at juss how cheesy it was. Then weeks passed and I couldn’t stop thinking how great the movie was because it WAS ultra-cheesy. I was like, you juss to good to be true, can’t take my MIND OFF OF YOU AND YOUR OOOOOZY CHEESE!!!

Oh Gyp DeCarlo. Oh Gyp. Oh Gyp. OH GYP!!!! Who Gyp? He’s some gangster guy played by Christopher Walken, who solves everyone’s problems, like the ‘problems’ the Four Seasons encounter. These problems? That the band’s founder Tommy DeVito is bad with money, and that the guy who plays him – Vincent Piazza – may be bad at acting. Or maybe Tommy DeVito IS an actual walking Italian-Jersey stereotype and Vincent Piazza is playing him perfectly. But who cares, cause the whole thing’s cheesy, so Jimmy, give me a pizza wit NUTTIN


Verdictgo: both Jeepers Worth A Creepers

The BoysGet On Up at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Lies, Injustice & The American Game

overdue review doo-doos

Arbitrage
Money Always Sleeps
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 107 min

Richard Gere got himself some balls.  He’s married to the hottest old woman ever (Susan Sarandon), but thinks shacking up with some ugly art chick is time better spent.  Well it ends up biting him in the a$$ cause he kills his mistress in a car accident, flees the scene, and to make matters worse, he’s basically Bernie Madoff, and his daughter’s (Brit Marling) on to him, and so is police guy Tim Roth!!!!!!!!  WHAT TO DO???!!!!!  This conventional movie feels so 80s, but it works in the 2010s!  And Graydon Carter is in it briefly and he has best supporting hair of the year!!

 

Trouble With The Curve
Pitch/Bitch Count
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 111 min

Clint Eastwood is so old, and so mad.  He’s losing his sight so he kicks tables and treats people like garbage, but he’s a baseball scout and he wants to keep being one, but HE’S LOSING HIS SIGHT!!!  Luckily his daughter Amy Adams cares about him even though she thinks he doesn’t care about her (BUT MAYBE HE DOES!), so she drops everything to help him be angry at stuff, and scout a fat baseball player (Joe Massingill), who’s also being scouted by Justin Timberlake, a former player he scouted, but now he’s a scout, with dreams of being an announcer, but if this is any indication, he might as well stick with his day job.  This movie is pure cheezy garbage, and we loved every minute of it + any movie where Matthew Lillard is yer bad guy and is NOT murdering anyone, you know you’ve got something!!!  GET YER CURVE ON!!

 

Dredd
Urban Dwellers
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 95 min

Never saw the Sly Stallone Judge Dredd cause Sly Stallone sucks, but Karl Urban doesn’t, cause he roxxxxxxxxxxxxxx!!!!  Cause Karl Urban is the f$%king man!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And cause of him and his scowl, this movie kinda roxxxxxx!!!  Sure, the flick takes place all in one day, and mainly in one place, which isn’t a favorite movie thing of mine, but there are explosions, and drugs and Olivia Thirlby also kicking a$$$$ and Lena Headey being all skanky tuff and stuff!!!!  YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Verdictgo: all three Jeepers Worth A Peepers

all three are still barely playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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FBI’s Wide Open

J Edgar
Hoover? What? When? Where? And Sometimes Why?
Official WebsiteTrailers & Mo
R | 137 min

Don’t know what’s wrong with more than 1/2 of the critics who reviewed J Edgar.  Did they even see the same movie we saw?  Was there not enough J Edgar Hoover picking up the dirt (hoovering!) for them?  Did they find the quality Clint Eastwood direction directionless?  Was Leonardo DiCaprio‘s best work since What’s Eating Gilbert Grape not bestiful enuff for their boasteringing, despite the impossible task of playing someone he looks nothing like (which oddly enuff was what made The Aviator crash)?  Was Armie Hammer too handsome for them to clap their hands some?  Was the Dustin Lance Black script too straight without a chaser?  Were they pissed Naomi Watts didn’t give Judi Dench some carpet cleaning?  What’s yer problems, yo???

Seriously folks, J Edgar is a fine fine movie.  It takes a notorious and mysterious figure of 20th century American history and notoriousizeses him, while still keeping his enigma wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in a woman’s slip, and entertains us.  What more do you want?  We may not get a complete picture, but how do you make a complete picture of a man who ran a bureau of secrets, with a bureau filled with STILL unknown secrets????  You don’t, and even if this flick had early 90s Oliver Stone written all over it, Stone didn’t make it, and thank dog he didn’t today, cause he’s no longer up to the task, but Clint Eastwood is and he did it and he did it right (heck, there’s not a ton of gangstering goings on, but it’s a zillion times betterer than whatever Public Enemies was).  So, GET OFF MY LAWN!!!  and critics, GET OVER YER YAWNS!!!!!

moral of the story:  we’re totally gay for J Edgar Hoover and this movie about him.  He may have been misguided, but he got the job done, no matter what the costs were, and no matter how much make-up they had to cake onto Leo to make him look like old man Charles Foster Kane (see below below)

Creepy Ship Lollipop: J Edgar Hoover & Shirley Temple, a WTF relationship for the ages

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

J Edgar digs up the good dirt currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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