Thighs Wide Shut

We Need To Talk About Kevin
Birth (Out of) Conrtrol
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 112 min

We do need to talk about We Need To Talk About Kevin cause we juss need to talk about it.  First you MUSS MUSS MUSS see this, then we can talk about how Tilda Swinton might be the single greatest half-amphibian-half-human working in movies, and how John C Reilly is the most bestest absent-minded lovable doof working in movies, and how we’d be scared to f$%king death to ever run into Ezra Miller, Jasper Newell or Rock Duer on the street, cause all 3 of them played Kevin at different ages, and all 3 of em make us never want to have kids, let alone touch a bow and arrow ever again

Lynne Ramsay‘s take on Lionel Shriver‘s 2003 novel of the same name is as beautiful as it is frightening, as empty as it is loving, and as unforgettable as Gus van Sant’s Elephant was kinda forgettable, sorta.  What else do we need to talk about?  Bobbed?  What about bobbed?

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Kevin will get Talked about in NY this Friday and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
No Slander On This Salander!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 158 min

The wait is over kids.  David Fincher‘s English language (wouldn’t dare call it ‘American’, cause it’s not whatsoever) version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is no longer juss the kick ass teaser/trailer/music video of the year, it is now a movie that has to be able to deliver the goods. And?  It does indeed deliver them goods, mad good… as much as Stieg Larsson‘s story will let it/him.  What does that mean?  Well, if you know the story (and if you don’t, what planet are you from, UrineAnus?), you know it pulsatinglyly builds and builds and builds, and then goes BOOM, and then it kinda whimpers for another 30 minutes after the boom, as it re-focuses on the original task at hand, which is no longer as interesting as the sidetracked task just handled.  OK, that’s about as much bitching as we’re capable of making, cause otherwise Fincher hands in an A paper on celluloid digital projection

The Social Network gave Finchy the worldwide love & attention he deserved, but a 1s & 0s subject matter like that was well beneath his skill & artistry.  Anyone could have directed Aaron Sorkin’s script to greatness, even Ivan Reitman’s kid, or even one of Lawrence Kasdan’s kids, or even Tom Hanks’ dopey kid we just wished went away 9ever.  Anywho, Fincher is back in the territory where he belongs and we want him to stay – making flicks where people are murdered and other people try to solve those murders.  He brings his Zodiac (you know, that movie that’s one of the greatest movies ever) preciseness & pacing and applies it to the frigid and cruel Swedish world that sweeties Mikael Blomkvist & Lisbeth Salander do their investigationining thing in

So how does this new one stack up against the very very solid original flick?  It kinda bests it in every way possible, even if the original didn’t really need besting in the first place.  Still, better Fincher do it than say Ivan Reitman’s kid, or even one of Lawrence Kasdan’s kids, or even Tom Hanks’ dopey kid we just wished went away 9ever.  We gets Christopher Plummer sounding all von Sydow-y! Stellan SkarsgÃ¥rd loving Enya! Steven Berkoff hating Axel Foley! Robin Wright penning! Joely Richardson holy richardsons! Goran Visnjic with visnjacrazywitz hair! and Julian Sands juss being Aryan handsome!!!!!!  And nothing against Michael Nyqvist & Noomi Rapace, but Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara do Mik & Lis a lick better, mainly cause it’s a bit more believable and much more watchable to see Dan & Roo get bizzy than Nyquil & Noo.  Rooney’s performance as Lisbeth in particular is fracking spectacular, but don’t make us choose Lisbeths, cause there’s room for two Lisbeth performances in this world, like there was for Truman Capote.  Sadly, Toby Jones got hosed in that race, just like Rapace got zilch for being totes THE girl with the dragon tatts.  Guess what we’re saying is, why not give Rooney the Oscar.  We’d like to see Streep sport white eyebrows and get plowed by a fat dude while handcuffed (point of clarification – we are not hactually asking to see that, we juss making the point that Rooney as Lisbeth is a brave brave performance that Meryl Streep might hactually be incapable of braving, or something to that DAS EFX)

moral of the story – it’s no Zodiac, but it’s a David Fincher film, and people should see David Fincher films, cause every other film isn’t a David Fincher film

Swede Jesus!!:  Harriet Vagner haunts her uncle’s life, and now our dreams, in a good way, cause she’s so dreamy!!!  and she is

Moa Garpendal

and how about her cousin Anita, aka

Mathilda von Essen

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Tattoo you at a theater near Jews on December 21st

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Adventures of Tintin
Let The Adventures Begin & NEVER End!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 107 min

We never read a single word of Hergé‘s classic tales of Tintin, the world’s most famous fictional young Belgian reporter EVER (go ahead, NAME ANOTHER!), but we’ve always been captivated by the artwork. As a kid, we’d go to the public library and stare at the Tintin covers, but never bothered with what was inside (remember, we’re illiterate). Well, them images have been brought to cinematic life, AND BOY HAVE THEY BEEN BROUGHT TO CINEMATIC LIFE!!!!  Without question and further debate – the most fun we had (and probably you’ll have) in theaters in 2011 was eyeballing Steven Spielberg‘s beyond magical motion capture 3-D extravaganza The Adventures of Tintin!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you need more glowing endorsements? Of course you do, you haters of ginger-haired Belgians! Tintin is Spielberg’s bestest adventure movie since Indy’s Last Crusade.  IT’S TRUE!!!!  Hell, some of Tintin‘s action sequences HACTUALLY top ANYTHING he’s ever done (DID WE JUST WRITE THAT, we did!)!!! Even the digital animation visual stuff here rivals any of that crazy visual shaz seen in his modern futuristic fare, like A.I. and Minority Report!!!!!!

Now, we really should wait a few years before making such statements like this, but we’re almost ready to safely name Tintin as one of Señor Spielbergo’s top ten works, EVER!!!!  Same cannot be said of the other movie being released this week with SS’s name on it, about a boy & his horse, but that’s not for now, cause now it’s all about a boy and his dog and Belgium waffle-awesomeness!!!

So, it cannot possibly be bottom to top mad rad, cannnit?  Well, the plot aint eggzactly all that fancy (it’s the combo of three books - The Crab with the Golden Claws, The Secret of the Unicorn, and Red Rackham’s Treasure), but an adventure doesn’t need to be all that schmancy when it is so dang adventurous!!!!  Sure, the ending doesn’t even come close to matching some of them sequences that preceded it, but then again, not much in movies in 2011 can match those sequences either + the ending is really juss the beginning of what we hope is like 1444 dozen more of these movies.  IT’S TRUE!!!!

Tintin is like one of those National Treasure movies minus Nic Cage & stupidity, and replaces it with the epic epicicity skills of Spielberg & (producer) Peter Diddy Jackson + the wonderful voices of Jamie Bell, Andy Serkis, Daniel Craig, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, et al + animation so bla-zam-a-zamm-a-slammin-za-mazing, that you’ll almos forget yer watching a cartoon, even though it is a cartoon, sorta!  And you know we hate cartoons, but this aint like any cartoon cartooned before!!  EAT IT PIXAR!!!

moral of the story: catch THIS if you can!!  9reals.  It’s a PG movie that kicks MAJOR a$$.  We mean, it’s got a kid in it who packs heat and hangs out with an always drunk sea captain!!!  If you can only see one movie this holiday season (that doesn’t have dragon tattoos in it), then this HAS to be the one.  We enjoyed this one singular tale more than we did all 7 of the Harry Potter flicks combined!!!  IT’S SO TRUE!!!!  EAT IT HOGWURST!!!!

He Hate She: there’s 2 female characters in the Tintin film, and that’s about as many as there were in the entire Tintin comic world! Hergé usually abstained from including women in on the fun.  He said ‘For me, women have nothing to do in a world like Tintin’s, which is the realm of male friendship. [They would cause] misadventures rather than adventures. Mocking women would not be nice’.  C’mon, doesn’t Tintin wanna celebrate some of his conquests by conquesting some biznatches???

Verdictgo: BREAST IN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yer inin like Tintin at a theater near jews December 21st

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Shame
Hard-Ons, Hard-On
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NC-17(!!!) | 101 min

(not that) Steve McQueen somehow took Michael Fassbender‘s penis + Carey Mulligan showering nekkid(!!!@@#$%#@!!!!) and turned it into the least sexy sexual movie in these sexting times. Good thing? Bad thing?  Hard to tell, and yet we’re not a-SHAME-ed to admit that we kinda loved this hard to love movie.  Whether you’ll feel the same way all depends on how much you JO in the shower or in the bathroom at work.  So, basically every man can sorta identify with Fassbender’s beyond sex-craved character, cept we all don’t have a gynormous shlong and we don’t meet DTF ladies every 120 seconds (boys can dream, can’t wees???), and every woman will identify at how awesomely gynormous Fassbender’s shlong is.  So, there’s really something for everyone, and that something is Fassbender’s gynormous shlong!

moral of the story: Shame has one too many climaxes (ha, ha, ha, ha), but not very much plot (it’s simply a moody mood piece about a guy who loves (or is it hates?) to get off, and how hot AND crazy his sister is, and how hot AND crazy he is), but it’s got a lot of very annoying James Badge Dale stylings (it’s the kid from Lord of the Flies!!!!), lots of New York quiet (our fav kinda quiet), and lots of Fassbender’s shlong (everyone’s fav kinda shlong).  Shame on he or we?  Practice safe watching and decide for yo-self

No Shame In These Hotties:

Lucy Walters

in this scene!!! which is like the hottiest non-sexual scene ever

WHY AREN’T MY SUBWAY RIDES LIKE THIS!

AND OH, BY THE GAY, THAT SCORE IS F$%KING KILLER!!!

Elizabeth Masucci

Marta Milans

& mainly for the name only

Calamity Chang

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Shame is disgrace-amaze-ment currently in limited release (ha, ha, ‘release’)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Tyrannosaur
The Helpless Help Each Other
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Not Rated | 91 min

An angry drunk man brutally kicks his dog after losing a bet, throws a brick thru a window of a proprietor he doesn’t like the jib cut of, and then tops off his unsympathetic screen introduction by roughing up a bunch of kids in a pool hall cause they’re annoying.  NOW THIS IS HOW YOU START A MOVIE!!!

Can anyone save this man?  Does he even want to be saved?  Does he just want a pint of beer and to be left the f$%k alone?  Don’t tell that to the God-loving woman who crosses his path (or did he cross hers??), who needs a bit of saving herself.  You would too if your husband was an udder a$$hole.  How so?  He’s the kinda guy who comes home pissed drunk and… pisses on his Mrs while she sleeps.  Is this a movie?  You frakkin bet it is, and it could only come from the British Isles, the home of gritty sad sack people dramas that we juss can’t get enuff of!!!  It’s true!  May be our second mos flavorite genre besides future dystopian shazzle badazzles!!!

What a rousing written & directorial debut by actor Paddy Considine Tyrannosaur is be!!!!!!!!!!  The material itself isn’t anything all that blindmowing (esp if you’ve seen a British movie that’s not a period piece or made by Guy Ritchie), but the performances he gets out of the angry man (Peter Mullan), damaged woman (Olivia Colman) and piece of sh#t spouse (Eddie Marsan) is a trifecta of mindblowing awesomeness.  We already knew these three actors were the real deal, and if you see this film, you’ll be on board too.  Colman in particular is a revelation.  Known mostly for comedic work, she goes for broken by getting broken.  Get this woman an Oscar nom, NOW

moral of the story: It is humanly possible to find sympathy for a man who inhumanly treats other people and dogs, cause sometimes we need people who kick ass to kick other problems to the curb.  Also, the helpless may not be able to help themselves, but they can help other helpless people, so please, help yerself to this!!!!!

Saur Winners: czech out these thighly recommended movies including our 4 pals – Mullan in Boy A, Colman on Skins,  Marsan in Happy Go Lucky, and Paddy in front of the camera in Dead Man’s Shoes

Verdictgo: performances alone make it Breast In Show

Tyrannosaur stomps its way into limited release on Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…