Thighs Wide Shut

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
No Slander On This Salander!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 158 min

The wait is over kids.  David Fincher‘s English language (wouldn’t dare call it ‘American’, cause it’s not whatsoever) version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is no longer juss the kick ass teaser/trailer/music video of the year, it is now a movie that has to be able to deliver the goods. And?  It does indeed deliver them goods, mad good… as much as Stieg Larsson‘s story will let it/him.  What does that mean?  Well, if you know the story (and if you don’t, what planet are you from, UrineAnus?), you know it pulsatinglyly builds and builds and builds, and then goes BOOM, and then it kinda whimpers for another 30 minutes after the boom, as it re-focuses on the original task at hand, which is no longer as interesting as the sidetracked task just handled.  OK, that’s about as much bitching as we’re capable of making, cause otherwise Fincher hands in an A paper on celluloid digital projection

The Social Network gave Finchy the worldwide love & attention he deserved, but a 1s & 0s subject matter like that was well beneath his skill & artistry.  Anyone could have directed Aaron Sorkin’s script to greatness, even Ivan Reitman’s kid, or even one of Lawrence Kasdan’s kids, or even Tom Hanks’ dopey kid we just wished went away 9ever.  Anywho, Fincher is back in the territory where he belongs and we want him to stay – making flicks where people are murdered and other people try to solve those murders.  He brings his Zodiac (you know, that movie that’s one of the greatest movies ever) preciseness & pacing and applies it to the frigid and cruel Swedish world that sweeties Mikael Blomkvist & Lisbeth Salander do their investigationining thing in

So how does this new one stack up against the very very solid original flick?  It kinda bests it in every way possible, even if the original didn’t really need besting in the first place.  Still, better Fincher do it than say Ivan Reitman’s kid, or even one of Lawrence Kasdan’s kids, or even Tom Hanks’ dopey kid we just wished went away 9ever.  We gets Christopher Plummer sounding all von Sydow-y! Stellan SkarsgÃ¥rd loving Enya! Steven Berkoff hating Axel Foley! Robin Wright penning! Joely Richardson holy richardsons! Goran Visnjic with visnjacrazywitz hair! and Julian Sands juss being Aryan handsome!!!!!!  And nothing against Michael Nyqvist & Noomi Rapace, but Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara do Mik & Lis a lick better, mainly cause it’s a bit more believable and much more watchable to see Dan & Roo get bizzy than Nyquil & Noo.  Rooney’s performance as Lisbeth in particular is fracking spectacular, but don’t make us choose Lisbeths, cause there’s room for two Lisbeth performances in this world, like there was for Truman Capote.  Sadly, Toby Jones got hosed in that race, just like Rapace got zilch for being totes THE girl with the dragon tatts.  Guess what we’re saying is, why not give Rooney the Oscar.  We’d like to see Streep sport white eyebrows and get plowed by a fat dude while handcuffed (point of clarification – we are not hactually asking to see that, we juss making the point that Rooney as Lisbeth is a brave brave performance that Meryl Streep might hactually be incapable of braving, or something to that DAS EFX)

moral of the story – it’s no Zodiac, but it’s a David Fincher film, and people should see David Fincher films, cause every other film isn’t a David Fincher film

Swede Jesus!!:  Harriet Vagner haunts her uncle’s life, and now our dreams, in a good way, cause she’s so dreamy!!!  and she is

Moa Garpendal

and how about her cousin Anita, aka

Mathilda von Essen

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Tattoo you at a theater near Jews on December 21st

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Girl Who Kicked
The Hornet’s Nest
(Luftslottet Som Sprängdes)
I Love You, Lisbeth Cooper
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo was Star Wars.  The Girl Who Played With Fire was The Empire Strikes Back.  And guess what?????  The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest is… Return of The Jedi!!!  And what does that mean?  Star Wars was an out of this world kickoff, Empire is the shiz, and Jedi, while not eggzactly close to being up to snuff with 1 & 2, is still a very satisfying final chapter of the trilogy.  OK, comparing anything to the Star Wars trilogy is purty darn dumb, but this is indeed Sweden’s Star Wars, cept more political, and with better dialog, but with less Sand People, but with more Swedish people!!!  Bless you Stieg Larsson, wherever you may roam!!

Director Daniel Alfredson picks up the action right where he left it with Fire.  [SPOILER ALERT!!!!  Do not continue reading if you haven’t seen any of the flicks, read the books, or are juss being super lazy and waiting for the Fincher film versions!!!] Lisbeth Salander (Noomi Rapace) is an absolute physical and emotional mess after trying to kill her ruthless pops, while her half-monster/brother (Micke Spreitz) has escaped to the countryside!!!  So Lissy spends about half the movie on the sidelines, recuperating at a hospital, while the world around her is about to explode.  Her man Thursday, Mikael Blomkvist (Michael Nyqvist) and his Millennium mag crew (with more attention and love given this time around to Lena Endre) are trying to blow open a story about government corruption that’s directly related to L’beth’s life, but of course the powers that be won’t let that happen, so they want to silence them and L’beth, but that aint gonna happen, cause she kicked a hornet’s nest!!!!  Actually she doesn’t kick much in this movie, especially not a hornet’s nest, but she’s gonna be put on trial for attempted murder, and her ex-psychiatrist (Anders Ahlbom) is a total prick and is totally out to get her, and things don’t look so good for her (do they ever???)!!!  Luckily L’beth’s got Blomkvit’s sister as her lawyer (Annika Hallin, finally given something to do), and two women together totally have more power than one!!!!!!  Especially when one rocks a power suit and the other a wicked mohawk!!!

That’s about all we’ll say, as you can probably figure out where it goes from here, but it aint eggzactly the slaying of the Emperor, the tearful death of Darth Vader, and the party to end all parties on Endor, all rolled into one solid ending.  Hactually, the very end ending was kinda like, whatevs dot whatevs.  Don’t know how it is in the book, but it wasn’t necessairly the mos perfect way to close the door, no?  Maybe Stieg had more shiz planned down the road, or maybe he didn’t, but he’s dead, and that sucks.  Wish that wasn’t the case, cause wethinks L’beth hacker pal Plague (Tomas Köhler) is ripe for a spin-off: The Fat Dude Who Ate Swedish Meatballs & Hacked People’s Computers To Deaths!!!

Cue Ballroom: Niklas Hjulström, who plays the prosecuting attorney, is totally on cue, with his own band Cue!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hornet kicks the trilogy goodbye this Friday in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

too many reviews to do this week, so lettuce do sum short & sweet ones…

The Girl Who Played With Fire
(Flickan Som Lekte Med Elden)
We Wouldn’t Care If She Were Playing With Poop,
Cause We’d Show Up To Watch Her Play With Anything!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Lisbeth Salander(/Noomi Rapace) is our hem flicka.  That’s ‘homegirl’ loosely translated into Swedish, which is the kind of fish you’ll be sleeping with if you don’t agree or don’t know what we’re talking bout.  If you saw (or read) The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo then yer a wise person already on the right track.  If you haven’t, stop reading this, start that and then come back and start reading this again.  Actually skip reading this and go see the mighty slow-burned AND high-octaned (AT THE SAME TIME!!) sequel The Girl Who Played With Fire.  It is The Empire Strikes Back to Tattoo‘s Star Wars, for many reasons, and most that we can’t talk about, but none involve lightsabers!!!!  Plus this new one has this dude named Micke Spreitz playing the Swedish version of Jaws from James Bond and he will not be stopped!!!  And even though Michael Nyqvist make us want to take Nyquil-vist, we still love him and root for him and wants him to bag the mosquitoed-chested Lisbeth over and over!!  Cause if he has a chance with her, we all do!!!  Can’t wait for the Hornet’s Nest!!!!!!!!  And then (no, not Zardoz) to see Fincher’s take on Stieg Larsson‘s matz!!!!

A Girl‘s Girl:  she may not have a fire… crotch, but our girl plays with the radiant Yasmine Garbi!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Jean-Michel Basquiat:
The Radiant Child
Not The SAMO© Shiz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Jean-Michel Basquiat was an artist.  You may have heard of him.  Julian Schnabel made his brilliant directorial debut with a film about him called… Basquiat.  Mike D’s wife and Billy Madison director Tamra Davis was friends with Jean-Michel.  She filmed him doing his art and once interviewed him talking about stuff AND things.  This interview sat untouched in her drawer for 20 years.  Cut to NOW!  And now she felt the time was right to make a doc about him, including this footage.  This doc is purty straightforward, but purty darn good, especially if you want to see what Fab Five Freddy looks like without sunglasses!!!! Basquait should not be confused with Bisquik

The SAMO© Shiz: photos of J-MB(and crew)’s early work in graffiti

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Winter’s Bone
Haters of the Lost Ozarks
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Jennifer Lawrence looks like Renee Smellweger, but acts betters than her in Debra Granik‘s Winter’s Bone, which is like Frozen River, but not as good cause most of Winter’s Bone is Lawrence asking the same question (‘you seen my daddy?‘ 32928282 times, and sometimes to the same person twice).  And sorta speaking of Melissa Leo, she could have played every role in Winter’s Bone, cept for maybe John Hawkes‘sszz, but maybe the two should mate and have children that could play white trash peoples to a T for future genetations!

Mad Fly: remember Ozark Air Lines? probably not, unless you ever flew to or outta the STL

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

all three flicks are currently playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
(Män Som Hatar Kvinnor)
The Curious Cold Case of Harriet Vanger
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

40 years ago, a purty young girl had gone missing, and has been presumed dead ever since.  Her wrinkly-ole Uncle moneybags (Sven-Bertil Taube, three of our mos favorite names, duh) cannot rest soundly until he can get some sort of closure on the matter.  Enter recently disgraced reporter Mikael Blomkvist (Michael Nyqvist, who looks like a cross between Mathieu Amalric and Mr Bean) to heat up this oh so frosted cold case!  And while our hero is one smart cookie, in a Robert Langdon kinda way, he still needs a his girl Fredag.  Enter THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO, aka Lisbeth Salander (Noomi Rapace)!!  Not only does she have a dragon tattoo, and mad piercings, and a Joan Jett complex, but she also has really small boobs!  She’s also a researching dynamo and can break into computers just as easily as she can get her heart broken.  Faster than you can say odd couple or dynamic duo or BOTH!, the two are breathing new life into the long dead case and the results FREAKIN ROXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hopefully this is all old news to you, since the Stieg Larsson book (not of the same name. the original title = Men Who Hate Women) is an international best-seller, and this killah movie’s been out for many moons.  If it’s new news to you (we were a lil late to the game here, like trying KFC’s Double Down for the 1st time juss the other night), then NEWSFLASH, SEE IT (or we guess read the book, but who has time to read?) NOW OR ELSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There’s two Millennium Trilogy sequels already in the can, which should make their way to our shores this fall, so hurry the fork up and see this!!!

A Hollywood remake is already in the works, with David Fincher attached as the director.  He’s a perfect choice, considering Tattoo is the bestest thriller we’ve seen since his Zodiac (yes, we just said that and you know how we feel about ZODIAC!!!)  And while Nyqvist can be played by anyone (Brad Pitt is rumored to get the nod), no other actress will be able to replicate or keep pace with what Rapace did for her take on Lisbeth Salander.  She is the girl and no one else can be.  She tattooed us, and if you haven’t already done so, let her tattoo you, NOWWWWWWW!

Sweetest Fishes:  it was hard to find fotos of sum of dem cute honeys with bit parts in Dragon, but apparently very easy to find fotos of slightly fly womens (and mens) from Sweden that weren’t in the movie, but who love to party, IN SWEDEN, and since they are so Swedish looking and therefore prettier than wees, they is still worth gawking at

plenty mo Aryan thighs here: stureplan.se [SFW]

Verdictgo: Breast In Show!!!!!!

Dragon is all fire in limited release!!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…