BOND IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN HIS BESTEST ADVENTURE YET! Not really, cause no Bond movie can complete with Bond getting married AND curling, but hey, Bond flick #23 – Skyfall aint no Quantum of Whateverness, but then again it aint no Casino Royal with cheese, but then again then again then again then again
So what is Skyfall? Skyfall istelf is actually a something, a something we won’t spoil for you, but it hactually holds meaning, instead of being a something stupid like whatever the Quantum of Solange was is. Oh, you want to know? OK, Skyfall is the nickname of M/Judi Dench‘s cavernous vagina
No, but seriously, Skyfall the movie (not Skyfall the person/place or thing) is one of the more straightforward Bond flicks of recent memory. There’s no needless & endless razzle dazzle, juss a much more simplistic, linear story that goes from point A to point B without being point-less. Bond flicks these here days have to compete with the frantic Bourne series, but Sam Mendes & co decided not to go all Bourne again, and instead went with more of a Christopher Nolan – Batman route, exploring more of the personal side of Jamesly Bond and those who support him. M is like Alfred, and Skyfall is like… !??#??#!???
If you’ve been dying for a Bond flick to take place mainly on the British Isles, well then, Skyfall is the Bond you have always been waiting for! Sure, there are other locales – the opening Istanbul stuff with roof radness taken straight from Taken 2 + some Blade Runnery video buildings in Shanghai + some sultry, well-lit, well-lanterned, well-bobbed casino action in Macau + some Chernobyl-like deserted island, but this Bond and this Bond film works its mojo very mojoly back on home turf!! Above ground, underground, in and around the actual Underground, MI6, MI7, and much moors!! That spelling is on purpose, but we can’t tell you much MOORS than that. SKYFALL!!! ROSEBUD!!!
So, how’s Bond he-self? Daniel Craig is smooth sailing in his 3rd outting. He’s gruff, he’s tough, and he can deliver the cheesy one-liners with a smirk and not look like a total jerk. He’s a great Bond. We loves him. Who cares if he’s 4 foot tall
So, how’s the bad guy and his schemes? Javier Bardem as Silva is super blonde and super gay and super strange and super great. Of course he is, he’s Javier Bardem. As for his character, he’s interesting, but not eggzactly fascinating. Bardem does his best with him, but he’s mainly juss some guy who looks like a muppet with blonde eyebrows who hates Judi Dench, and who would hate Judi Dench? WHO??!?!?!?
So, what about the Bond girls? You already met them, but you don’t know anything about them besides them being sexy playthings for Bond to gawk at and sometimes touch. There’s secret agent/secret hotness Naomie Harris, who everyone fell for in 28 Days Later, but really hasn’t made much of a mark since then. She’s on team Bond, and she bonds with Bond, and Gold Bonds his balls. Sorta, not really, but she’s cool and they HINTTTTTTTTT at her sticking around in the future, which is great, cause I said so. As for an actual main Bond girl gal, the part French, part Khmer-Chinese exotic hotty Bérénice Marlohe sultrysizes up the screen in her brief, but steamy screen time. There’s not much for her to do here besides give pissed off looks with her mouth, but we do sorta get to see her shower! SORTA!!
So, what about the other people? There’s Ralph Fiennes, who always plays a smug a$$hole in movies, and here he plays a smug a$$hole, but maybe he’s a smug a$$hole with a secret nice side! Anywho, he doesn’t do much cept doubt Dame Judi, but maybe he secretly wants to sky fall into her Skyfall vagina. Then there’s Albert Finney. All we will tell you about him is that he’s in this movie, and bearded, and he still has the greatest blowhardy voice in acting. I hope he never dies. He will, but maybe he can DIE ANOTHER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!! And then there’s the new Q – Ben Whishaw, who has the greatest voice in acting, period! exclamation point! HOW CAN WE HAVE SEX WITH HIS VOICE!!!! So, one would think that Q would pop up for like ten seconds to give Bond 10 gadgets and then disappear til the next movie, BUT THAT’S NOT THE CASE!!! This movie has more Q & M and Ps & Qs and A&P & A&W action than all the other Bond movies combined!!!!!!!!!! Maybe!!!!!
So, what are you waiting for to sky fall into Dame Judi Dench’s cavernous skyfall vagina??? You never know if you’ll get the chance to do so EVER again!!!!!
oh, and upon further reflection – the Adele theme song is fcuking fantastic, although the opening title sequence was 1/2 rad, and 1/2 bad
Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers
Skyfall LANDS in a theater near jews this Friday!
and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…