Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
School’s Out Forever!
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 133 min

YES!!!!! Finally, a Harry Potterverse movie without children!!  No more pencils!!!  No more books!!!  No more teacher’s dirty looks!!!! And most spankfully – no more dumb Quidditch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So what does a Harry Potter-less movie world look like?  Well, for one thing – they done did themselves, and me, a favor by going back in time to the 1920s, and shifting the fun from England to New York.  Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them???  More like

 Fantastic BOBS and Where to Find Them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

amitrite????????

oh man, 2 girls with 2 bobs +1 me = aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawoooooooooooogah!!!

and even though this lady is hellish, her bob is heavenly!!!

who’s ready for a night out of sexily bobbing for bobs???

I mean, who doesn’t love a good bob? Everyone wants to touch one!

OK, ok, so bobs are great and all, but what about the movie itself?

It’s magical – cause they do magic, but it also has gotz its share of problems, like – what exactly is going on here, and why should I care about any of this? 

Newt Salamander (Eddie Redmayne, who’s acting style in every movie apparently consists of him and his awkward tunasalad lips, keeping his head down, and then picking his head up, scene after scene after scene after movie after movie after movie.  dude must have neck issues after all this acting in movies!!!)

comes from England to New York to be a nervous nellie and like round up beasts or something, but in the process, unleashes beasts on a non-understanding muggle (who in the US are called Non-Majs, or something.  wish the movie took a larger stance against Nicki Minaj, and be pro-Non-Minaj) world  

One Non-Maj (Dan Fogler – editor’s note – I worked with him once, a zillion years ago, and he’s a super awesome guy, and I root for nothing but success for him, and he deserves it, cause he’s funny, and awesome – and you will love the ping-pong movie he was in if you never saw it) super-gets caught up in this mess, but cause this isn’t Harry Potter, the guy gets to stick around, and bob it up with two American magic hottie sisters (Katherine Waterston and Alison Sudol) trying to help dumb-dull-bore Newt be less dumb, dull and a bore

But there’s a bunch bumps in their path to success (and I have no idea what they’re looking to succeed in) – like magic hater Samantha Morton and her minions like Ezra Miller, who has a man-bob!

and the magic congress of something or other isn’t pleased with Newt and the sisters and the Non-Maj’s tomfoolery, and there’s also something not quite right about Colin Farrell 

And there’s also something not quite right with the CGI of the beasts – they look really CGIy, and dumb.  Anytime the beasts were on screen, the movie was far from fantastic.  The rest of the time, where the magic people and the Non-Maj were maj-ging it up, it was kinda sorta close to fantastic, sorta kinda!

To be honest – the Harry Potter movies were fine and kinda fun, at the time of viewing them, but in retrospect – they kinda juss a big bunch of meh (the exception is the 3rd one).  I feel like this new franchise will be more of the same, BUT, cause these new movies will mainly involve adults, and no dumb schooling, and is un-stuck to the dumb Hogwürst school year structure, it has a chance to be something else, and perhaps something special.  The magic isn’t in question – we can take the tricks, juss please bring on the treats… and even more bobs!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

You can Find the Beasts arrived at a theater near jews & white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Not Not Another Teen Movie
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 102 min

So there’s this known 1999 book by Stephen Chbosky called The Perks of Being a Wallflower.  He didn’t think anyone could do movie justice to it, so he made the dang movie himself.  HOW FCUKING AWESOME (and risky) IS THAT!??!?!?!?!  Others authors have done such a thing before, but none of them have hit the mark quite like SC does with his own book turned movie.  Why?  Cause this movie gets high school and high schoolers and the lows and highs of being a high schooler in high school 101% correctamundo.  If you’ve ever attended a high school, you should see this movie and you will see something of yourself in it, whether you were the jock, the joke, the pretty girl, the ugly girl (all boys are ugly), the dork, the geek, the misfit or any other stereotype we didn’t think of!  It’s true!  This movie is an adolescent treasure in the vein of John Hughes type stuffs!!!  And there’s not many recent teen movies you could say such things of!  Sure, Mean Girls was thighlarious, but it was too unrealistic, and the incredible doc American Teen was juss tooooo real, fo reals, yo, even though the poster ate its BREAKFAST in a CLUB!

Logan Lerman is our title wallflower and he’s so awkward that flowers and walls stay away from him!  He’s going thru a lot of sh!t, but luckily he lands into the laps of new friends Ezra Miller & Emma Watson, who help move him away from the wall, and let his flower bloom, which they do by teaching him about cool music and let him try drugs and girls and fun!  And there’s also Mae Whitman, who’s great, cause she is.  And then there’s the wallflower’s sister Nina Dobrev, who’s so hot that incest would be allowed, but it’s not that kinda of a movie, and that’s OK.  Even Paul Rudd‘s in this movie, in a minor, BUT important role, as a teacher who encourages reading!!  And there are other people in this movie and they are great, CAUSE THIS IS WHAT HIGH SCHOOL IS/WAS LIKE!!!  Cause believe it or snot, we were once a teeny bit of a wallflower teen, but then we found best friends and had the best times and then we all went our own separate ways for college, and stuff, and things, but high school memories WILL NEVER DIE!!!!!!!  like Goonies!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Wallflower BLOOMS at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

We Need To Talk About Kevin
Birth (Out of) Conrtrol
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 112 min

We do need to talk about We Need To Talk About Kevin cause we juss need to talk about it.  First you MUSS MUSS MUSS see this, then we can talk about how Tilda Swinton might be the single greatest half-amphibian-half-human working in movies, and how John C Reilly is the most bestest absent-minded lovable doof working in movies, and how we’d be scared to f$%king death to ever run into Ezra Miller, Jasper Newell or Rock Duer on the street, cause all 3 of them played Kevin at different ages, and all 3 of em make us never want to have kids, let alone touch a bow and arrow ever again

Lynne Ramsay‘s take on Lionel Shriver‘s 2003 novel of the same name is as beautiful as it is frightening, as empty as it is loving, and as unforgettable as Gus van Sant’s Elephant was kinda forgettable, sorta.  What else do we need to talk about?  Bobbed?  What about bobbed?

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Kevin will get Talked about in NY this Friday and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…