Carnage
Parents Pair-Rants
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 79 min

Watching Roman Polanski‘s Carnage is like watching a stage play, sorta not come to cinematic life as a film play.  Not so sirprizing so, so, so, since it’s based off of Yasmina Reza‘s play God of Carnage, but the play’s the thing, right?  No, it’s not.  But if you enjoy the talents and talkings of Jodie Foster, Kate Winslet, Christoph Waltz and John C Reilly, then you will probably take away some enjoyment in their talents and talkings in Carnage

So what’s all the yapping & fussing about between these four Oscar-de-baiters?  Winslet & Waltz (hmm, that sounds like a really fab name for a musical duo!)’s son smacked Foster & Reilly (hmmm, that sounds like a really nifty name for a realty company!)’s son’s face with a stick, so the four ‘rational’ parents need to suss things out like civilized peoples.  Things from there get pouty, then shouty, then tipsy, then vomity, while all feeling way too play-y.  But the play’s the thing, right?  How many times do we have to answer this?

moral of the story:  all four actors ham it up in their own way, and it’s fun, even if it’s all too theater-y, but still, would you rather pay $80+ to see this on Broadway or $7.94 to see it in the greatest physical forum of human entertainment – the movie theater?  Here’s yer answer – EAT IT THEATER!!!!

This:

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Carnage car-rages in NY & LA this Friday, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Shame
Hard-Ons, Hard-On
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NC-17(!!!) | 101 min

(not that) Steve McQueen somehow took Michael Fassbender‘s penis + Carey Mulligan showering nekkid(!!!@@#$%#@!!!!) and turned it into the least sexy sexual movie in these sexting times. Good thing? Bad thing?  Hard to tell, and yet we’re not a-SHAME-ed to admit that we kinda loved this hard to love movie.  Whether you’ll feel the same way all depends on how much you JO in the shower or in the bathroom at work.  So, basically every man can sorta identify with Fassbender’s beyond sex-craved character, cept we all don’t have a gynormous shlong and we don’t meet DTF ladies every 120 seconds (boys can dream, can’t wees???), and every woman will identify at how awesomely gynormous Fassbender’s shlong is.  So, there’s really something for everyone, and that something is Fassbender’s gynormous shlong!

moral of the story: Shame has one too many climaxes (ha, ha, ha, ha), but not very much plot (it’s simply a moody mood piece about a guy who loves (or is it hates?) to get off, and how hot AND crazy his sister is, and how hot AND crazy he is), but it’s got a lot of very annoying James Badge Dale stylings (it’s the kid from Lord of the Flies!!!!), lots of New York quiet (our fav kinda quiet), and lots of Fassbender’s shlong (everyone’s fav kinda shlong).  Shame on he or we?  Practice safe watching and decide for yo-self

No Shame In These Hotties:

Lucy Walters

in this scene!!! which is like the hottiest non-sexual scene ever

WHY AREN’T MY SUBWAY RIDES LIKE THIS!

AND OH, BY THE GAY, THAT SCORE IS F$%KING KILLER!!!

Elizabeth Masucci

Marta Milans

& mainly for the name only

Calamity Chang

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Shame is disgrace-amaze-ment currently in limited release (ha, ha, ‘release’)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Young Adult
Blurting With Disaster
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 94 min

Charlize Theron is a recently divorced, soon to be unemployed YOUNG ADULT ghost writer, who’s looking for something to do other than watch endless hours of reality garbage on E!.  So instead of facing her own pathetic reality, she returns to her jane average Minnesota hometown to dig up her old high school fantasy – re-capture the heart of her hunky former flame Patrick Wilson and live happily ever after.  Big problem – he’s married (to perky clean 5-headed Elizabeth Reaser) and has a newborn baby.  You know that this quest is thighly questionable and has a 9999% chance of not ending well.  Either she steals her former man and breaks a home OR she fails and destroys everything she touches.  Enjoy!!

Hactually, at times, the restrained Jason Reitman directed / Diablo Cody written film (‘restrained’ is a word we never expected to use to describe ANYTHING either of these two wacky kids have done did do) is enjoyable – Theron goes cruel angry on everyone and it’s funny & Patton Oswalt goes gimpy spiteful and it’s delightful, but there’s almos too much bleakness abound, and this runaway train has only one destination – DESTRUCTIONVILLE!!!!  And when we actually get there, it’s kinda like oh, OK, now what’s suppose to happen, and then the movie ends, with not much accomplished eggcept showing off Charlize’s ability to make us laugh, which we guess is OK, but where’s the hamburger phone gagging us with a bloggerino?  NOT!!!

moral of the story: Young Adult is the least annoying, pretentiousousousous, and diarrheaed-dialoged movie Reitman or Cody has ever been involved in, and yet it’s a fragmented frumpy un-fairy tale of cut downs and not much up-dogs.  What does that mean?  No idea.  Better question – is the Diablo honeymoon over?  Yes.  She won an Oscar for blogging about teens using hamburger phones, and hasn’t been able to top that thus far…  although we didn’t find Hamburger Phone Blogging: The Movie all that tops to begin with.  moral of this paragraph?  We’d probably rather watch Agent Cody Banks than something by Diablo Cody.  Maybe?

Hold The Phone: who wants a freaking hamburger phone when you can have a…

HAMBURGER BED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: low low low low low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Young Adult doesn’t grow up today in limited release, and elsewhenelsesoon

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
Frigid War ‘Thriller’
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 127 min

If you were a casting director and said to we, hey, you, if you could pick yer British acting (male) dream team, who’d be on it?  Well, we’d be like, hey, we’ll take Gary Oldman, Ciarán Hinds, Tom Hardy, Benedict Cumberbatch, Stephen Graham, Simon McBurney and throw in Colin Firth, Toby Jones and John Hurt for really good measure (sorry Mark Strong, but yer kinda in too many movies and are kinda annoying in a majority of them).  And then if an art director was like, hey, you, what modern movies that take place in the 70s should we copy for look and style?  Well, we’d be like, hey, totally rip off the look & stylings of Zodiac, Munich and Carlos.  Oh, you mean 3 of the bestest movies of the past ten years, right?  Yes, we do mean those blam-mazing movies that everyone needs to see like 992929 times (even if we haven’t seen em that many times).  Woaaaaaah, a cast like that AND a look & style like thems, could a movie like that be humanly or even robotically possible?  IT IS!!!  It’s Tomas Alfredson‘s (he made the lesser, original Let The Right One In) version of John le Carré‘s Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy!!!!!

OMG, THIS HAS GOT TO BE LIKE THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER, RIGHT?  WRONG!!!!!  It’s got the cast, AND THEY ARE MOST CERTAINLY AWESOME (esp Oldman as Bill Nighy, and Benedict Cumberbatch, who’d blow minds even if he were playing a mute invisible person!!!), and the look, AND IT’S FORKING DULLTASTIC 70s GORGEOUSITY (apparently yellows & browns = the 70s), but what this movie doesn’t have is much to keep you from the beating drums of dull.  BUT HOW COULD IT BE???  Dunno, but this cold war thriller is juss too dang icy to ever warm up to.  NO WAY!!! Yes way.  Sure, it’s nice to see a spy movie that doesn’t need to resort to endless vroomy car chases and big-o bang-o explosions, but guess what, THIS MOVIE REALLY FRICKIN NEEDED SOME CAR CHASES AND EXPLOSIONS!!!!!!  It’s true.  Believe you we, the plot is not all that thick, even though it makes you think it is, and when the denouement show’s its face, it’s more like denoue-meh

moral of the story:  this ‘spy’ movie needs further TAILORING and TINKERING and SOLDIERING!!!!  shiz needed to be defrosted and did not need Tom Hardy with a crappy wig that made him look like Andy Lameberg with a crappy wig.  great actors acting great in a great looking movie does not equal a great movie.  We really want to see if the old Obi-Wan Kenobi TV version is any less tundra-y.  HOPEFULLY IT HAS LIGHTSABERS AND A DUDE WITH A BUTT FOR A MOUTH!!!

Fairbank-Weather Fan: we’ll pass on Svetlana and get svelt-hotta all over cutie Amanda Fairbank-Hynes!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Tinker aint eggzactly Tailor made this Friday in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Hugo
Méliès-y Shady of Winner
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 127 min

So, there’s this orphan kid (Asa Butterfield) who lives and works in the clocks of a Parisian train station.  When he’s not being chased by Sacha Baron Cohen with a mustache, he’s trying to re-build Bicentennial man.  When he’s not doing that, he’s stealing stuff from cranky ole toymaker Ben Kingsley.  When he’s not doing that, he’s hanging out with Kingsley’s ‘daughter’ Chloë Moretz, who is way too mature hot for being a 14 year old.  399393939 movie hours pass of them two kids running around, causing minor mischief and making endless lil ragamuffin faces, while also borrowing books from Christopher Lee, and listening to a bearded Michael Stuhlbarg talk about his boner for pioneer filmmaker Georges Méliès

Wait, what does Méliès have to do with all this?  Well ya see, Kingsley is not only a cranky ole toymaker, but HE’S ALSO GEORGES MÉLIÈS!!!!  But he doesn’t care about movies anymore, CAUSE OF WORLD WAR and MOVIES BEING TURNED INTO SHOES or something, but the kids care and so does his wife (Helen McCrory) and so does Martin Scorsese, who turns the last brilliant third of this movie into a love letter to early cinema AND a giant PSA for film preservation!!

moral of the story: it’s a kid’s movie where all the great stuff is about the adults.  the kids stuff should have been thrown out the window and this baby shoulda been all about Méliès, cause Kingsley hands in a f#$king crowning achievement performance as the cinemagician.  also, there should have been a naughty sex scene between SB Cohen and Emily Mortimer.  also, the 3-D is not as great as everyone’s making it to be.  also, they should have cut out 98% of the kids stuff and replaced it with 3-D clips of how hot Louise Brooks was, or maybe with some modern 3-D hotness like this!

Toying Around: art imitates life

Verdictgo: last third is beyond breast in show, but the first two-thirds keeps it a Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Hugo is quasi-moto-awesome currently in a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

but before we go, imagine if Asa and Kodi Smit-McPhee switched Chloë movies!!!  LET THIS IN!!!

Chloë 9ever!!!