And the worst date movie of 2012 is Michael Haneke‘s Amour.  That’s not a knock, it’s actually an honor for us to declare such a thing, but even though this movie is called ‘Love (in French)’, it’s more like ‘Watching An Old Woman Slowly Decay For Two Hours’!  How much fun does that sound???  OODLES!!!  And if you enter this old woman’s apartment, you won’t ever leave it cause the film doesn’t leave this old woman’s apartment!!!!!  It’s like the Hotel French California, but like even more painful than listening to The Eagles!
So who’s this old lady?  She’s Emmanuelle Riva and she starts off as a normal old lady, lover of music, being French, etc, but then she has a stroke – not of genius, but the bad kind.  She begs her husband Jean-Louis Trintignant to never put her in a home besides their own, so he plays the good husband and takes care of her at home.  What a great husband!  But then she has a second stroke – still not one of  the geniusnessness kindsz, and this stroke has basically transformed her into a babbling, drooling old lady baby.  It’s like Benjamin Button, but even more painful to watch (pain, in a good way, as BB was painful cause it sucked).  Poor husband – his job juss got super super harder.  And he’s super old too!  And he’s gotta lift her up all the time!  And he’s gotta pick up her pants after she poops!  And other stuff that sucks!!!  And their daughter Isabelle Huppert is zero help.  Cause all she does is cry and be French and stuff
Man, what an excruciatingly painful movie to sit thru, but a tremendously beautiful one at that.  Would you expect anything less from beauty pain-meister Michael Haneke?????  Dunno.  Only seen 3 of his movies and all 3 are still hauntings me.  His movies stay with you, FOREVER, so beware cause the Haneke man will get you!!!  And you should let him get you!!!!!
Verdictgo: Breast In Show
Amour desires your love in NY & LA on December 19 and elsewhere elsewhen
Who was the least cool & fun & awesome & interesting dude in that fellowship of them rings?  Easy answer – Gimli.  Nothing against Gimili, but dwarfs juss can’t compete with rugged & handsome Viggo, cutie shield surfing Orlando Bloom (who hasn’t gone on to do anything after LOTR), not so boring Boromir or those four Hobbits who are so fun that they may have actually invented fun.  So yeah, dwarfs are pretty much the bottom würst of Middle Earth.  Well, JRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien’s first book had one Hobbit and one Ian McKellen, and nothing else but dwarfs – 13 of them.  How exciting is 1 dwarf?  Not as less exciting as 13 of them.  Basically what wees sayings is – is it worth it to go there and back, again, from the Shire to everywhere else but the Shire, and with tons of dwarfs???  We were all burned by George Lucas and his prequels, and The Hobbit is basically barking up similar trees ents
Well, guess what, THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY DOES EGGZACTLY WHAT IT NEEDS TO!!!!!!!!!!!  While the story & stakes may not be as epic and sizzling as the stuffs going on in LOTR, the book is what it is (we actually read it!!!) and Peter Jackson executed it to the eggsalad cinematic level that you would expect him to delivery it to.  What he did was be like, hey, you loved LOTR so much, so why don’t we juss make The Hobbit the same way and stuff, but use much more awesome effects and more awesomer capture motion Gollum than you saw before (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) + throw in stuff that wasn’t even in the book cause you people deserve to see Saruman’s beard and Cate Blanchett speak elvish.  WE DO!  WE DO!!!!!
And after about 55issssssh beginning minutes of meeting the 13 dwarfs and rolling one’s eyes and being like, damn, these dwarfs are so un-cool, something totally UNEXPECTED happens – you start loving these dwarfs, cause they is actually juss as cool and as funny and interesting and things as Viggo and Bloom and those Hobbits and Borosmear and his brother Unfairasmear!!!!!  GO DWARVFES!!!!!!!!!!!! And Richard Armitage as main dwarf Thorin is almos as rugged & handsome as Viggo is!!!!!!  IT’S KINDA SORTA REALLY ALMOST TRUE!!!  We’d do em both with yours AND ours (we’d also do Aidan Turner, who’s like a dwarfier Ian Somerhalder)!!  + Martin Freeman is a beyond perfect Bilbo.  He pretty much acts the same as he did as Tim on the original gangster Office, always has, always will, and guess what, that’s juss fine cause Martin Freeman IS THE FCUKING MAN!!!!!!!!!  Oh, did we mention that Ian McKellen is reprising his role as Gandalf?  Dude, we’d all camp out to watch a trilogy of McKellen as Gandalf taking a dump.  Don’t say you wouldn’t cause you would, you sick wizard pooping watching loving fcuker!!!
But isn’t this movie ass long?  People who worry about long ass runtimes should not go see movies.  You should stick yer iPad up yer a$$ and set the alarm to go off in 3 minutes or whatever your attention span is.  Honestly, we knew it was gonna be looong, but we wish it were longer!!!!  If you can sit thru 38938883283 hours of Lame of Thrones then you can sit thru almost 3 hours of The Hobbit, cause The Hobbit is 8w82181098213482ehjdb2rgh48dcb4bnnj44838f838f848484848`4h`4ufhnn3e248248248n2dn times better than Lame of Thrizz
And why did they turn this into 3 movies when I’m sure 2 would have been fine?  Oh, I’m sorry, do you want to anticipate shitty movies for the next 3 winters or do you want 3 FCUKING HOBBIT MOVIES FOR THE NEXT THREE WINTERS!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????????????
Now what’s this stuff about 48 frames per second junk?  It’s like a normal movie but twice as much stuff in the same amount of seconds!  What does that mean, MORE STUFF!!!!  Well, what did it look like?  It makes everything look really clear (although any bits with motion looked like it was being fast-forwarded on your DVR.  it was strange, but maybe things are suppose to be fast and strange in the future of cinema).  Oh, so it doesn’t look like a normal movie?  Not one you’ve seen before, and since yer eyes and brain aren’t used to it, you might not like it at first, but over 169 minutes you ease into it (like you do with loving dwarfs!!) and the clarity becomes a welcome thing, considering there are so many other 3D and CGI heavy films that are so unclear looking.  Ever see Transformers?  Sh!t looks so blurry and muddled that our eyes and brain have quit on ever seeing any Transformers movie ever again. + you don’t wanna trust Peter Jackson?  OK, maybe you don’t after he post-LOTRed us with the who cares King Kong and the what was that unlovely Lovely Bones, BUT, when it comes to JRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Tolkien, in Jackson we trust AND thrust.  Spank the lord Guillermo del Taco didn’t direct this cause it woulda been filled with Spanish nymphs with dumb sh!t like hands with eyes and stuff
You love Wes Anderson’s Rushmore.  Of course you do.  A sequel will never EVER happen, but what if there was another movie pairing Herman Blume (Bill Murray) & Rosemary Cross (Olivia Williams), but instead of them being Herman Blume & Rosemary Cross, they were FDR and Eleanor Roosevelt?  What if I told you that this movie ALSO included hand jobs (but spankfully not ones given to or from Eleanor Roosevelt)?  Well, that’s sorta what Roger Michell‘s Hyde Park On Hudson is, with some FDR cousin (Laura Linney) loving & royal visiting from those blokes from The King’s Speech (Bertie stuttered here by Samuel West & the not so mum Queen mum by Olivia Colman) tossed in.  This movie is barely a movie, as the plot is basically whether or not the King of England will eat a hot dog or not, but this barely movie is totally watchable, cause Billy Murray as FDR getting mad action while not being able to use his legs is totally watchable.  Doesn’t that sound totally watchable?
Ginger Baker marched to the beat of his own drummer.  Didn’t hurt that he was a drummer, and possibly the best drummer ever (Ginger says ask John Bonham or Keith Moon and they’d admit it too, if they weren’t dead)!  He was the drummer of Cream.  He was the drummer of Blind Faith.  He drummed with Fela Kuti.  He drummed everyone crazy.  He loved playing polo, and doing women, and drugs.  This man is amazing.  His story is amazing.  Jay Bulger (in the Curly W hat above) tells his story.  You should listen cause it’s amazing, and Ginger is alive and unwell, in a good way, cause he’s amazing.  This just in – Ginger Baker is amazing.  Please never stop talking Ginger Baker, oh, and never stop drumming too
Two foolish hoodlums (that wily scuzzy awesome Australian guy with a lisp - Ben Mendelsohn & that guy who had a mustache in Argo and has some horrible accent thing going on here - Scoot McNairy) go for a quick score and end up with more trouble than the score was worth.  Aint that always the truth?  The lead up to the score, and the score itself are top notch cinematic stuff, AND TENSE!, but the rest that follows in the fall-out is about as interesting as listening to politicians from 2008 talk about the failing economy.  Oh wait, that IS what happens.  We get to hear GW Bush & Obama & McCain blab on and on about the economy in the background, while we try to stay awake listening to Brad Pitt, James Gandolfini and Richard Jenkins blab about mob economy, hookers and killing in the foreground.  Sounds eggciting, dunnit?  It’s not.  Not even seeing Ray Liotta get his a$$ beat down by Vinnie Delpino from Doogie Howser can make up for the unexciting talking that keeps getting talked
No real shock here in the blahdum, since this movie was made by Andrew Dominik, the dude who gave us The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford aka The Great Time Robbery.  We are audiences of action, not words.  Give us action, not words.  And give us more than 8 seconds of Sam Shepard, and give us less than zero seconds of Vincent Curatola, that annoying guy from The Sopranos who is annoying here too cause he’s annoying.  Oh, and there’s one woman in the entire movie and she’s a hooker, and she gets so bored by James Gandolfini talking that she gets to leave the movie.  Wish we could have done that.  Or wish the movie jettisoned Pitt and all the other tough talkers and juss let Ben Mendelsohn shoot drugs and people, and perhaps shoot his mouth off, as he was the only character worth listening too, even if he was always talking shiiiiiiiiiiiit
14. Dec, 2012 
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