2017 in TV was Tele-LICIOUS.  somehow I still haven’t seen the new Twin Peaks, which is a miracle and a tragedy as the original is my favorite TV show of all time, but I’ll get to it in 2018, I promise – myself!  anywho, here’s all the other stuff from TV that made my heart beat stronger and my shlong beat shlonger…

 

1. Riverdale (CW)

I always need a show in my life that’s the modern equivalent of Beverly Hills 90210.  Riverdale is it (it even has Luke Perry) AND THEN SOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There was even Zodiac love!!!

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2. Mindhunter (Netflix)

Dude, it’s like my dream come true – more of Fincher’s Zodiac!!!

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3. Feud: Bette and Joan (FX)

What Hollywood does to actresses is horrible.  Now AND THEN.  Susan was born to be Bette.  The EYES have it!

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4. Married At First Sight: Second Chances (Lifetime)

I don’t do Bachelor shows, but I love the Married At First Sight series, so when they whored out two former Sighters and let a bunch of whores try to whore all over them – the end result was one giant sloppy mess, and I couldn’t get enough of it!!

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5. American Horror Story: Cult (FX)

Evan Peters is scary as fck!!!  Zodiac!!!  But the real revelation here is Carrie Fisher’s daughter, ready to be her own person – hello Billie Lourd

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6. The Americans (FX)

Martha stuck in Russia is the saddest thing ever in a show of so many sad things ever!

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7. Veep (HBO)

It’s truly amazing how a comedy about the US Presidency could be out clown-showed in real life by our current US President, and even more truly amazing is how the TV show this season was able to re-out clown show the real clown show.  CLOWN SHOW!!!!

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8. The Hunt For the Zodiac Killer (History)

Spoiler alert – they didn’t catch him/her.  BUT LET THEM KEEP TRYING!!!

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9. Curb Your Enthusiasim (HBO)

Long time off, and not much has changed, and that’s fine by me.  Loved the Fatwa advice from Salman Rushdie, like having an excuse to not pick someone up from the airport

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10. Wormwood (Netflix)

Errol Morris at his best, and he’s always at his best, so this is BESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!!!

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11. Fresh Off The Boat (ABC)

Still, the funniest network comedy going.  Love the shifting focus to the school kids.  Eddie’s friends are more interesting than Eddie!  Bonus props to redhead Trevor Larcom! Bonus bonus props to their Rent ripoff – Brent!

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12. Bates Motel (FX)

Norman Bates COMES full circle, and what better way to COME all over than with Rihanna as Marion Crane!

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+ bone-yessss!! moments

give all the awards in the world to Natasha Bassett who totally speared the lead (and my heart) in Lifetime’s Britney Every After

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the awkward adorableness of Stranger Things 2‘s Snowball Dance

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the theme music of the game show Now You See It

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realizing that I never saw Beverly Hills 90210 Season 4 and loving it beyond belief

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finally watched the final season of The Knick, and I already miss the fcuk out of this guy

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the real life filming locations of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

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Chelsea Cardwell‘s sexy and sad portrayal of Monica Lewinsky in an ep of Scandal Made Me Famous

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the return of Battle of The Network Stars

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the new Dynasty is mostly garbage, cept Alan Dale remains TV’s finest a$$hole

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BUZZR’s excellent doc about game shows, hosted by Alex Trebek! – Game Changers

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Amazon gets STACKED and streams the original UNSOLVED MYSTERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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the horrible awfulness amazingness awfulness of the made-for-TV version of Dirty Dancing

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Copycat Killers‘ talking head J. Buzz Von Ornsteiner – for his name, and how he talks, but mainly for his name

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I hope Kendra On Top never stops

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cheering for The Bold Type gals

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booing the girls of Girls. good riddance. YOU FCUKING SUCK!!!

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goodbye Merc Lapidus.  YOU WERE THE ABSO FCUKING BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND WILL ALWAYS BE ONE OF MY MOSTEST FAVORITE TV CHARACTERS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

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wish we could MAKE A DEAL to keep these people with us on earth :(

 

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 TV was watched in 2012, and here’s how we rank what we watched!!!!!!

1. Dan Le Batard Is Highly Questionable (ESPN 2)

Two years of existence and it’s still the funniest show on TV (NO JOKE), and it’s on DAILY!  More Papi rants please!  Less Papi raps please!

[we’ll take this off the list next year, and just make it a permanent bestness like CBS Sunday Morning & PTI]

2. Louie (FX)

the best David Lynch TV show since Twin Peaks + there was GF Parker Posey + that episode where Louie got so scared of his dad that he had to escape the madness on a boat

2a. The Untold History of the United States (Showtime)

IT HAS BEEN TOLD!!!!! As told by Oliver Stone!!!

3. American Horror Story: Asylum (FX)

Dominique -inique -inique s’en allait tout simplement,

Routier, pauvre et chantant.

En tous chemins, en tous lieux,

Il ne parle que du Bon Dieu,

Il ne parle que du Bon Dieu.

4. The (American) Inbetweeners (MTV)

MTV tried to make an American Skins, and it didn’t exactly work.  They tried again with the UK’s BEYOND INCREDIBLE The Inbetweeners and it BEYOND WORKED (like how the US version of The Office beyond worked)!!!  Making this work is Nobel Peace Prize worthy.  Too bad MTV cancelled the series, cause it was smarterer & clevererer than anything else on its channel.  Personally, I think the show failed cause they didn’t get crazy hot adorable girls, like the British one did

5. Modern Family (ABC)

If you hate Modern Family that means you hate Phil Dunphy which means you hate life.  I feel sorry for you

6. Episodes (Showtime)

Everything about this show = A+.  Daisy Haggard as Myra = A++++++++++++++++++++++++++

7. Dexter (Showtime)

Finally, Dexter boned someone we’d actually bone too – Yvonne Strahovski.  Oh, and the show returned to form, after its first and only not so great season, which starred Tom Hanks’ son

8. Newsroom (HBO)

I’d literally watch Emily Mortimer watch TV screens, which is why I watch the overly annoying YET thighly addictive Newsroom

9. 30 Rock (NBC)

Going out with a bang, of laughter!

10. Rock Center with Brian Williams (NBC)

It’s ALMOST better than 60 Minutes.  Well, it’s definitely more fun.  And Bri Wills’ week in review bit at the end of each show 30 ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

11. The Client List (Lifetime)

and what’s your reason for NOT watching this show about hand jobs & boob jiggles??????????????

12. Political Animals (USA)

this mini-series was more engaging and sirprizing than the 2012 election, and Ciarán Hinds (my favorite living actor) as faux Bill Clinton was pretty much the knee’s bees to end all knee’s bees in 2012 + Carla Gugino was in it, so that means she was probably half nekkid and banging someone.  in fact she was!

13. Dallas (TNT)

Desperate Housewives was the würst, and yet we barely missed an episode.  It ended in 2012, so we needed a trashy prime-time soap to replace it.  Well, how about a show that features two of the hunky guys from DH, who happen to be two of the würst actors around?  SOLD!!!  Plus, there’s JR, one of TV’s greatest villians EVER.  Glad we joined in.  And we’ll stick with it, until TNT doesn’t

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other solid forms of entertainments: Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel (so real!), Eastbound & Down (that Russian pitcher!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), Pretty Little Liars (JOtastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), Breaking Bad (it’s been kinda downhill after the dis-Gus), Misfits (love it, but there’s been too many cast changes), Mad Men (think we take it for granite, and yet it’s still overrated), Sherlock (CUMBERBATCH!), Elementary (it’s no Cumberbatch, but Jonny Lee Miller is awesome!!!), Arrow (super, heroes), Homeland (losing patience with this one), The Office (righting the wrongs of last season), Boardwalk Empire (less Bored-ing this year), The Ricky Gervais Show (anything Gervais is behind is worth your time), Veep (THAT CAST!!!!!), Life’s Too Short (we loved it… in 2011), The Mindy Project (who knew Mindy could carry her own show?), Don’t Trust The B—- in Apt 23 (Dawson-awesome), Childrens Hospital (11 minutes of heaven), Gossip Girl (we’re actually gonna miss this show), Parks & Rec (it’s still not as funny as you all make it out to be),  Shameless (annoying, but can’t stop watching), Nurse Jackie (annoying, but can’t stop sorta watching), House of Lies (awful, but can’t stop watching), Californication (awful, but see below), SNL (obvs) & Game of Thrones (well made, but we couldn’t tell you a thing about this show) 

+ bone-yes moments

Californication, you’re never amazing, and yet, you are the BREAST!!!!!!!

- Phil-isms

- Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel’ Gymnast Sisters story :(  :)

– ‘where are gay men’s vaginas?’

- Lisa Loeb + Rufus 9ever!!!!!!!

– Gervais’ Derek pilot is melancholy madness

- Weeds ended, thank gawd

– found out who Gabbo is, almost 20 years after the fact

– MLB.tv is the greatest web tv thing ever

– 12.12.12 got us to watch one thing on TV for 6 straight hours

– more Drunk Uncle please!!!!!!!!!

– wait, Joe E Tata was on TV’s BATMAN?!??!?!!

– the guys of Girls, cause the girls from Girls suck

– when it comes to Hitchcock, we’re on team Toby Jones (and Sienna Miller too!)

– Pat Sajak’s interview on DLHQ | Liam Neeson calling Dan ‘David’ on DLHQ

– Mister Rogers and the Make Believe Olympic Games robot!!

– the Luck theme song

& fair thee well Dick and…

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CBS Sunday Morning is the #1 show on TV ever (sorry Twin Peaks), and as for 2011…

1. Dan Le Batard Is Highly Questionable (ESPN)

It’s father’s day, every day, on the funniest show on TV, and it isn’t even a comedy.  Take a look above and tell we that that’s something you don’t want to watch DAILY.  Papi for presidente!!

2. Breaking Bad (AMC)

Every time you think things can’t get more f#%cked up, things goes beyonds more f#%cked up, and it’s f#%cking RAWsome!!!

3. Misfits (E4, England)

Losing Robert Sheehan would seem like a nail in the Misfits coffin, but that was not even close to the case with Joseph Gilgun getting mad rude as Rudy.  Each episode feels like its own season, and that’s a GREAT THING

4. Homeland (Showtime)

It’s everything 24 wasn’t – believable terrorism stuff happening on our shores, and it was all more tense than a KOA campground!!  Damian Lewis deserves to win every award he would be eligible for… and the supporting trio of Claire Danes, Mandy Patinkin and Morena Baccarin is third to none

5. American Horror Story (FX)

It broke every TV show rule, and a lot of bones AND boners.  Don’t even know how they’re gonna be able to top this debut season, but we can’t wait to see how they do it

6. Beavis & Butt-head (MTV)

Why did B&B ever go away?

7. Life’s Too Short (BBC2/HBO)

Warwick Davis plays himself, but channels show creator and co-star Ricky Gervais (think how people play the Woody Allen role in Woody Allen movies) in more cringe-inducing situations than Larry David could ever imagine… for dwarves

8. Episodes (Showtime)

They made Matt LeBlanc funny.  A feat and feast that must be seen

9. Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)

If you know what goes on in the pic above, you know the show hasn’t gathered even a speck of moss in its 8th, New York-centric, season

10. Ebert Presents At The Movies (PBS)

Honestly, it doesn’t matter who’s in the chair and which direction their thumbs go, it juss matters that there are chairs being sat in and thumbs being moved in a direction.  Never leave, although that may not be the case

11. Children’s Hospital (Cartoon Network)

Name a better 11 minute show on TV… ever?

12. Boardwalk Empire (HBO)

MOTHER LOVE THIS SHOW!

13. Ryan and Tatum: The O’Neals (OWN)

You can keep yer Krapdashians, and we’ll stick with the O’Neals

13. The Office (NBC)

Michael Scott left us and Dunder Mifflin on the best possible terms (the Holly proposal even rivals the early Jim & Pam courtship stuff), and the addition of James Spader has helped to soften the blow of his departure.  It all still works, even if it isn’t eggzactly the same

 

other solid forms of entertainments: An Idiot Abroad (we’re a year behind on this one!) Roseanne’s Nuts (who knew she’s the same off-screen as she was on it!!!), Hung (came into its own this season, only to prematurely ejaculate), Rock Center with Brian Williams (it ROCKS!), Kendra (lockout with yer cock out), Sports Show with Norm Macdonald (unjustly cancelled), Game of Thrones (even though we have zero idea what happened on the show), Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel (thoughts are endlessly provoked), Making & Selling Jeans In America (so long Rasta Monsta), Bored To Death (rarely boring), Enlightened (enlightened we), Louie (although everyone on twitter makes we want to hate it), Modern Family (it’s funnier than Louie), Gossip Girl (we gave up on it 2 years ago, returned, and it’s like we never missed an ep… cause nothing new ever happens, but who cares!), The Big C (Hugh Dancy dancyied like no one was watching), Web Therapy (Kudrow!), Shameless (the kids steal the show from H Macy), and Skins (UK, as in not the US version, obvi)

 

+ bone-yes moments

how does THIS get cancelled?

- Ricky Gervais should host everything.  Franco & Hathaway should only host diseases

– Todd Haynes’ Mildred Pierce was Mildred FIERCE!!!

– the list may be wrong, but 50 Documentaries To See Before You Die was 260 well worth watched minutes to debate!

– US Skins was meh, but Rachel Thevenard is not!!!

– don’t remember one minute of Too Big To Fail.  does that make it a too small and failed?

– kinda pissed that Miranda Otto & Sarah Bolger show never became a show

- Cinema Verite proved that reality bites, even at the very beginning

–  Elizabeth Hurley sexes up Gossip Girl, but Kaylee DeFer is the sexiest!!!

– Ron Swanson aside, Parks & Rec is not funny, despite what your brain and internets has been telling you

– Ken Burns’ Prohibition was bob-tastic

– wait, Oscar was orange?

– Addison Timlin made Californication semi-watchable

– Colin Hanks single-handedly stinks up an entire season Dexter, and juss stinks in general

- Whatever You Want,Think Belmont! FINALLYYYY!!!

- Entourage thankfully ends, but unthankfully with a wimper, but honestly, who cares, as shlong as it’s gone, 9ever

& fair thee well Colonel Sherman T Potter & Sherwood and of course

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