wait, John Candy & Wayne Gretzky once co-owned the Toronto Argonauts????

WATCH THIS!!!!

The Sessions
The Oy’s of Sex
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 95 min

Mark O’Brien was a real person.  He was a poet who had polio, so he didn’t get around much, but he still lived a full life, with words & wonderful people around him.  So much so that he’s been the subject of two films – one, an Academy Award winning documentary short about him & his work & his struggles [WATCH!] & the other, a new fictionalish flick about ending his virginity!  Sounds stupid & cheesy, but this new one screams Oscar (nominations, at least), but it screams it in a good way that’s neither stupid or cheesy!

Ben Lewin‘s The Sessions is a perfect film because there’s not a single thing wrong with it, cept that it may bring you to tears, cause it brought us to tears, cause we’re secretly a giant wuss.  John Hawkes plays Mark and he’s fantastic, and Helen Hunt plays the woman who helps Mark/John learn how to have sex and actually have sex (she’s not a prostitute cause she’s a sex surrogate), and she gets plenty nekkid and is also fantastic (beyond the old lady looking real fine nekkid bits), and then there’s William H. Macy as Mark/John’s friendly priest, who is friendly and pretty fantastic.  Oh, and Moon Bloodgood is in it too, and they try to make her ugly, BUT IT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!!

The trailer to this film was awful.  The film was the opposite of awful.  SEE THISSSSSSSSS YOU ABLE-BODIED JERKS!!!!!!!  It will warm you heart.  And if it doesn’t, you either don’t have a heart, or are too busy being warmed elsewhere in your body by the sight of nekkid ole Helen Huntress hotness

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Sessions takes note in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Heidi Klum as that Farrah Fawcett poster

by Mark Seliger 2002

The Loneliest Planet
Don’t Take A Hike
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
NR | 113 min

If you love watching people hike and not much else, well then, do I got the movie for you!  It’s called The Loneliest Planet and it’s about as riveting as actually hiking!  If you skip this movie, this is what you’ll miss – hiking, conjugation of Spanish verbs, more hiking, the most irritating rendition of ‘Don Gato’ you’ve ever heard, even more hiking, a guy that’s like Borat but not funny, and even more more hiking!  And there’s this redhead (Hani Furstenberg) who’s kinda not hot, but she’s kinda OK, but she has gap teef and is annoying, like this movie

Verdictgo: would be full on Repoopulous, but the background Caucasus Mountains scenery makes the foreground garbage a little less totally horrible, so… Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Planet orbits boredom in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Lincoln
Fourscore & 148 Years Ago, We All Scored For Equality, Mostly!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 120 min

Steven Spielberg‘s Lincoln 

=

Spielberg’s Amistad

+

strange white man beards

minus

any

moment

but that’s still pretty fcuking good filmmaking if you ask we!!!

AND DANIEL FCUKING DAY LEWIS AS LINCOLN IS ALL DANIEL DAY AND ALL DANIEL NIGHT BESTNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

obvi

+ Tommy Lee Jones will have you jonesing for more Tommy Leeness!!!

+ Sally Field plows it!

+ Joseph Gordon-Levitt has a mustache!

+ John Hawkes + James Spader + Tim Blake Nelson = hottest/coolest threesome EVERRVEVEVRR (for ending slavery that is!)

+ Hal Holbrook is still alive!!!

+ we still dont know how to spell or say David Strathaririansiansairn‘s last name!!

but wait, there’s more

more like…

OMG, THAT GUY IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!!

‘that guy’s like

DOUG FROM FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS and GALE FROM BREAKING BAD!

THE PUSHING DASIES GUY!

LANE PRYCE IS RIGHT!

BAD NEWS KELLY LEAK!

THE SERIOUS MAN!

ANIMAL HOUSE’S D-DAY!

PRESIDENT LOGAN FROM 24!

MILES PAPAZZIAIANNN FROM 24!

THAT GUY ON GIRLS WHO HAS TO HAVE SEX WITH LENA DUNHAM!

THAT KID WHO PLAYED THAT GAY GUY IN THE STOOPID MOVIE BASED ON A BOOK ABOUT RUNNING WITH SCICICXSSSSORS!

THAT REALLY GOOD ACTING GUY FROM IN TREATMENT!

THAT KID FROM DARK SHADOWS!

THAT GUY FROM THE NEW PLANET OF THE APES!

THAT ASSSHOLE GUY WHO HATES BOOKS FROM FRANK AND ROBOT!

THAT GUY WHO NARRATED VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA!

THAT BLACK GUY!

THAT GUY THAT GUY!

THAT GUY THAT GUY THAT GUY!

&

LUKAS HAAS!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Lincoln logs time in NY & LA today, and elsewhere elsewhen

oh, and MAJOR special love goes out to Spader’s facial hair & weirdness in this movie.  it’s something I tells ya!!  ALMOS worth the price of admission alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…