William H. Macy Seen Buying Graduation Balloons Amid College Admissions Scandal [People]

TV is the new Jesus.  In 2013, it was totally TVeesus!!!!  here’s our picks for bestestestiest TVeesus shows done shown (that we done watched)

1. Drunk History (Comedy Central)

I want to be 12 years a slave to this TV show, which combines my two greatest loves that aren’t food or the Nationals or my soon to be wife – comedy and history (not so much a fan of drunkards, but happy to make the exception here!).  And the actors all deserve 8312888 emmys for their sync work with the blottoed narrators!

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2. Maron (IFC)

 

MARON!!!! it’s like Louie, but kinda sorta less depressing!!!

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3. Under The Dome (CBS)

Feels like the 90s all over again, with TV dishing out quality Stephen King mini-series mini-scares week after week.  Dome is the best since It, even if it is nowhere as awesome as It

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4. Shameless (Showtime)

TV’s most audaciously outrageously slimy AND fun show… that no one loves, talks or cares about it.  shamemore on you!

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5. Bates Motel (A&E)

somewhere Alfred Hitchcock is NOT turning over in his grave, as this is sacrilege finally done right!   

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6. Vice (HBO)

it’s kinda what 60 Minutes needs to be more like, cept the show could do without the hipster correspondents.  still – each story is VITAL, and none was more compelling than when they sent Dennis Rodman to North Korea

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7. Hannibal (NBC)

I’m mads mads for Mads Mikkelsen as Hannibal.  Anthony Hopkins who?

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8. Arrested Development (Netflix)

Full Mental Tobias.  Terry Crews out-of control.  The intertwining episodes took much much thought and planning, and it all paid off, in spades and our hearts.  Just wish I didn’t have to watch it on a computer

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9. Princesses Long Island (Bravo)

 

if Jews truly controlled the media, would they ever let this show air?  it sets back Judaism 5774 years, and somehow I couldn’t turn away from it

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10. The Big C: Hereafter (Showtime)

a very sweet hereafter

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11. The Client List (Lifetime)

where you can wear your cake AND eat it too.  Can’t believe they axed a show where off screen hand jobs totally did their job

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12. Joe Rogan Questions Everything (Syfy)

it’s like a ghetto Unsolved Mysteries, with Joe Rogan talking loud and making amazing wide-eyed faces.  FEAR THE ROBOTS!!!

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other solid forms of entertainments: Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel (5 real!), Eastbound & Down (not the greatest of swan songs, but live for Stevie Janowski), Masters of Sex (a bit behind on this one, but smart and sexy + Beau Bridges = WE’RE ALL IN!!), Breaking Bad (glad it’s over, so the tweets ended too), Newsroom (we chewed on Grace Gummer), Mad Men (the acting or the scripts are SO bad, but can decide on which), An Idiot Abroad 3 (anything with Warwick Davis is appointment watching), Elementary (Natalie Dormer!!!!  but not naked, booooooo!!!), Portlandia (manic, but sharp), Homeland (F MURRAY ABRAHAM AND MANDY BEARD IT OUT!!!), The Office (Michael Scott returned and we cried), Boardwalk Empire (miss you already Richard Harrow), Enlightened (the lovable losers lost), Veep (veep on veeping on), The Americans (we love all things Russian), Dallas (no more JR, and somehow it still works), Undercover Boss (how does the employees NOT know they’re on the show???), Burning Love (THE MALE CAST OF SEASON 3, OMG!!!), Ray Donovan (awful accents, but helLA fun), Modern Family (best standard comedy going),  The Carrie Diaries (love high school shows, but there’s TOO much sex talk for a high school show on this high school show), House of Cards (so Fincher moody!), Dexter (even if they should have ended it a season ago), Girls (I watch it for the boys), SNL (Cecily weak) & American Horror Story (almost TOO batshit crazy to watch) 

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+ bone-yes moments

everything in front of Behind The Candelabra, but mostly Rob Lowe’s face

- Limitless Paper In A Paperless World

– Colbert gets unlucky

– Poopeye

– The Yummy Awards

– Saved By The Belding

– I’ll Take The Mother of My Children For $400 Alex

– Lazy Eye

– CBS and Time Warner Cable hate their customers.  thanks for NOTHING a$$holes

– wait, there was a Dirty Dancing TV show??

– how fcuking good the casting and music video recreations were in Crazy Sexy Cool: The TLC Story

– one of the greatest commercials of all time(/my childhood)

– stop pretending that the VMAs matter

– Sharknado, not that awful, even though it’s awful

– Topanga The Mok!!!!!!!!!!!

– Third Reichers Island

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– NAKED GRANDMA!!!!!

 

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fair thee well to those who have passed on, leaving a lumpy in our throat…

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the boat from The Love Boat

 

perv-iously

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The Sessions
The Oy’s of Sex
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 95 min

Mark O’Brien was a real person.  He was a poet who had polio, so he didn’t get around much, but he still lived a full life, with words & wonderful people around him.  So much so that he’s been the subject of two films – one, an Academy Award winning documentary short about him & his work & his struggles [WATCH!] & the other, a new fictionalish flick about ending his virginity!  Sounds stupid & cheesy, but this new one screams Oscar (nominations, at least), but it screams it in a good way that’s neither stupid or cheesy!

Ben Lewin‘s The Sessions is a perfect film because there’s not a single thing wrong with it, cept that it may bring you to tears, cause it brought us to tears, cause we’re secretly a giant wuss.  John Hawkes plays Mark and he’s fantastic, and Helen Hunt plays the woman who helps Mark/John learn how to have sex and actually have sex (she’s not a prostitute cause she’s a sex surrogate), and she gets plenty nekkid and is also fantastic (beyond the old lady looking real fine nekkid bits), and then there’s William H. Macy as Mark/John’s friendly priest, who is friendly and pretty fantastic.  Oh, and Moon Bloodgood is in it too, and they try to make her ugly, BUT IT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!!

The trailer to this film was awful.  The film was the opposite of awful.  SEE THISSSSSSSSS YOU ABLE-BODIED JERKS!!!!!!!  It will warm you heart.  And if it doesn’t, you either don’t have a heart, or are too busy being warmed elsewhere in your body by the sight of nekkid ole Helen Huntress hotness

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Sessions takes note in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…