Taken 2
Raging Istanbul Shiz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 92 min

Things are so tuff for Liam Neeson!!!  He and his family keep taking nice little European trips and keep getting kidnapped by Serbians!!!!!  But that won’t stop them from having a good time, or throwing gernades, or drawing circles on maps, or killing Serbians, or teaching his daughter how to drive!!!!  YESSS!!!

OK, Taken 2 is no masterpiece, but it aint no master piece of sh!t neither, but it’s not good, but it wasn’t eggzactly as awful as that movie where he boringly fought wolves OR the movie where he boringly had amnesia, so this is pretty much the best Liam Neeson movie since Chloe, which really isn’t saying much, but Luc Besson written movies haven’t been saying much ever since he gave up being creative after The Fifth Element.  LUC BESSON, STOP WRITING THE SAME MOVIE OVER AND OVER WHERE PEOPLE DRIVE CARS AND SHOOT GUNS (which isn’t eggzactly the worsttt, it’s juss the same thing, again and again)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND IF YOU CAN’T STOP, JUSS MAKE A FCUKING PROFESSIONAL SEQUEL ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh, and DB Sweeney is in this movie for 8 seconds!!!!!

Verdictgo: it’s not awful, and we kinda actually enjoyed its stupidity, so low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers garbage

Taken 2 is so close to leaving theaters that you can juss wait for video or don’t even bother

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Smashed
Post Drunk Love
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 85 min

Mary Elizabeth Winstead is adorable.  This is a general statement, and has nothing to do with James Ponsoldt‘s Smashed.  In Smashed, MEW is a school teacher by day, and an alcoholic by night AND day.  One day she vomits in front of her students.  Then she tells the students that she’s preggers as a cover, and realizes she has a problem, a BIG problem, BUT HER PROBLEMS ARE JUST GETTING STARTED, but maybe her problems are just getting started to getting solveded!!!!  Her husband is also a drunkard, and is played by Aaron Paul, who had to stretch real hard to play someone who’s really fcuked up.  Supporting MEW are TV players and real-life hubby-wife duo – Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally.  Offerman sports a mustache and speaks softy, like he does on TV.  Mullally speaks cheerfully and endlessly, like she does on TV.  Octavia Spencer shows up too, cause some movie needed to hire her after winning an Oscar.  It’s actually kinda sad, cause what kinda roles is Spencer gonna get?  Endless supporting ones?  Someone make a movie for this woman!  Anywho, this movie is MEW’s movie, and she egggggcellently carries what’s barely there to a predictable, yet satisfying finish.  Bottom’s up, while bottoming out! MEW!!!

MEW has the best eyes ever.  maybe.  really.  probably

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

take a sip of Smashed in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Cloud Atlas
Some Cirrus-ious Stuff!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 172 min

Tom Tykwer & the Wachowski Brothers/Sisters took some unfilmable book and made a film out of it.  It’s ambitious, and it’s delicious.  There are 6 stories and they are sorta connected cause they tell us that they are, and cause a bunch of actors are each playing a role (sometimes in dreadful prosthetics & make-up) in all 6 stories.  The sextet doesn’t exactly add up to something monumental and profound, but the sum of its parts are quite sum-thing, and there is nary a dull moment to be found in.  Plus it’s better than Speed Racer!!!

Instead of reviewing it as a whole, we’re gonna review its pieces, in pieces.  PIECE OUT, YO!

Story 1 – Jim Sturgess is Seasick & Sick of Slavery

Easily the weakest of the 6 stories, cause mainly it involves watching Jim Sturgess vomiting on a boat, while his newly found/freed slave pal David Gyasi proves he’s a man just like white people!  Zzzzzz

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Story 2 – Ben Whishaw Is A Repressed Gay Musician

If there was a movie where Ben Whishaw was talking and smoking non-stop, I’d see it 90000 times.  His voice is 2nd to NONE, and his smoking is, I dunno, but sometimes that voice needs to take a rest, and he looks so cool when he smokes!  In this story he’s a gay guy who dreams of being an important composer.  He starts working for some old composer who can’t fully compose anymore cause he’s old.  They work well together until they don’t.  When Ben isn’t composing music, he’s composing totally gay letters to his gay love Sixsmith (James D’Arcy), who gayly reads them.  It’s all totally gay AND straight, and a gay ole time.  It was like watching The Hours, but actually not boring

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEFFFFFF Worth A Peepers

Story 3 – Halle Berry Is A Foxy Woodward & Bernstein

It’s the 70s, and you know this cause everything’s mustard or brown colored.  It’s true, cause that’s what movies about the 70s do.  Halle Berry has some hot info from Ben Whishaw’s gay lover that some nuclear power plant is up to no good. The plant is run by Hugh Grant, and lemme tell you, out of all the actors playing 239288 roles in this movie, Hugh Grant does the bestest work, and shows more range in this movie that he has as a fop in 3992929 foppish British rom-coms.  HOLLYWÃœRST – LET HUGH GRANT BE IN EVERYTHING!!  Anywho, the nuclear power plant don’t take kindly to a nosy reporter and sh!t goes down, like attempted murders AND murders!  Keith David is in it, but not David Keith

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Story 4 – Jim Broadbent Flies Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

This is the most pointless story out of the 6, but it’s actually the most funest!  Jim Broadbent is a publisher, and after some stuff happens, including a ghetto Tom Hanks doing ghetto stuff, Broady is sent to an old age home that he can’t get out of.  To make matters worse, he’s constantly being harassed by the old age home’s lady nurse played by Hugo Weaving, thus proving that Hugo Weaving can play an asshole in any sex, color or creed.  Anywho, Jimmy wants to escape and finds other people who want to do the same thing, and that’s kinda that with this, and it’s the funest!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Story 5 – Doona Bae Is A Hot Korean Slave Clone With Bobbed Hair!!!

Dude, Doona Bae needs to be my wife.  She is so hot, as a clone slave with bobbed hair who serves food.  This story is THE creme of the da la soul creme.  It makes me want to creme all over myself.  And it’s the best of the six not just cause there’s bobbed Korean clone slaves serving food, but cause there’s a really cool tale in here and it could work as its own movie, and we wish it was its own movie, cause then there’d be a whole movie of Doona Bae with a bob serving food!  But she doesn’t just serve food.  She’s a clove slave with thoughts AND feelings, and those thoughts and feelings may juss spark a revolution!!!!

Verdictgo: BREAST IN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Story 6 – Mad Hanks Beyond Thunderdome

The world has been destroyed and apparently the survivors are either tribesman that are scary or white people who speak jive just like in Airplane!.  No, really.  Tom Hanks speaks jive.  So does Susan Sarandon.  It’s laughable for about 2 minutes, but then it gets kinda interesting when future sexy Halle Berry shows up and needs Hanks’ help to do stuff.  This was one of the more intriguing stories, but one of the ones that we understood the least.  Maybe cause our brain kept wanting to see more of the Korean bobbed beauty!!!!

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

OVERALL Verdictgo:  Jeepers MOS DEFFFFFF Worth A Peepers

Atlas maps it up in a theater near jews TODAY!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

overdue review doo-doos

Arbitrage
Money Always Sleeps
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 107 min

Richard Gere got himself some balls.  He’s married to the hottest old woman ever (Susan Sarandon), but thinks shacking up with some ugly art chick is time better spent.  Well it ends up biting him in the a$$ cause he kills his mistress in a car accident, flees the scene, and to make matters worse, he’s basically Bernie Madoff, and his daughter’s (Brit Marling) on to him, and so is police guy Tim Roth!!!!!!!!  WHAT TO DO???!!!!!  This conventional movie feels so 80s, but it works in the 2010s!  And Graydon Carter is in it briefly and he has best supporting hair of the year!!

Trouble With The Curve
Pitch/Bitch Count
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 111 min

Clint Eastwood is so old, and so mad.  He’s losing his sight so he kicks tables and treats people like garbage, but he’s a baseball scout and he wants to keep being one, but HE’S LOSING HIS SIGHT!!!  Luckily his daughter Amy Adams cares about him even though she thinks he doesn’t care about her (BUT MAYBE HE DOES!), so she drops everything to help him be angry at stuff, and scout a fat baseball player (Joe Massingill), who’s also being scouted by Justin Timberlake, a former player he scouted, but now he’s a scout, with dreams of being an announcer, but if this is any indication, he might as well stick with his day job.  This movie is pure cheezy garbage, and we loved every minute of it + any movie where Matthew Lillard is yer bad guy and is NOT murdering anyone, you know you’ve got something!!!  GET YER CURVE ON!!

Dredd
Urban Dwellers
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 95 min

Never saw the Sly Stallone Judge Dredd cause Sly Stallone sucks, but Karl Urban doesn’t, cause he roxxxxxxxxxxxxxx!!!!  Cause Karl Urban is the f$%king man!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And cause of him and his scowl, this movie kinda roxxxxxx!!!  Sure, the flick takes place all in one day, and mainly in one place, which isn’t a favorite movie thing of mine, but there are explosions, and drugs and Olivia Thirlby also kicking a$$$$ and Lena Headey being all skanky tuff and stuff!!!!  YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: all three Jeepers Worth A Peepers

all three are still barely playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Argo
A MustAche
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 120 min

Once upon a time, every man had a mustache OR really bad Japanese bidness-man eyeglasses OR both.   These men also wore brown or yellow or orange clothes.  Thanks dog that time is over, but that time makes for awesome movies – Zodiac, Carlos, Munich.  Ben Affleck isn’t a terrible filmmaker, but he is not David Fincher, Olivier Assayas or Steven Spielberg, although he certainly wishes he was

Argo is his Zodiac/Carlos/Munich, but it’s not the 4th head on that Mount Bestmore.  It’s defintley his best movie, but anything’s better than when that guy said the title of the movie in that movie, or that heist movie that was basically Point Break without skydiving, but with dreadful Boston accents

Argo doesn’t take place in Boston.  It takes place in Iran (with a side of DC and LA), when the sh!t went down (when does the sh!t not go down there?).  Some Americans are stuck so Ben Affleck comes up with a plan to get them out by making a movie about making a fake movie to save American mustaches from being shaved

Guess what?  It worked, and this movie feels like it’s 8 minutes long (a good thing) and has about 8 minutes of actual stuff (a not so great thing), but mustaches rule, even if Ben Affleck thinks it rules like Zodiac/Carlos/Munich rules, but it doesn’t.  If you’ve seen Argo but haven’t seen those movies, turn off your computer and make something of yer life

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Argo yourself at a theater near jews

oh, btw,

RORY COCHRANE IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!!!  AND HIS MUSTACHE IS THE BESTETSTESSTT!!!!

 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…