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Sucking Jay

01. Dec, 2014 0 Comments

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1
Lames: Part A Bazillion
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 123 min

I don’t know why I continue to subject myself to the awfulness that is The Hunger Lames movies. THEY IS SO LAMES!!!! #1 and #2 were like giant #2s, covered with endless piles of #2s, peed on with gallons upon gallons of #1s. They be rotten apples. Even more so than the rotten apple that is The Apple

Guess what, #3, part 1 is even worsester!!!!! Gone are the games where people tried to kill each other, but lamely didn’t really, and here, in their place, are boring meetings in underground lairs, followed by more meetings, and like Gale and like snoozing, and meetings, and propaganda, and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and some dumb song and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring and boring, and some poor gifted actors handing in performances we wish we could re-gift

Way to go Hunger Lames – you killed Philip Seymour Hoffman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BORING!!!

PEETA!!!! HUMMMMMMMUS!!!!!

sleeping

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Mockingjay mocks your ears and eyes and wallet at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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0 Comments

Up! Up! & Hathaway

19. Nov, 2014 2 Comments

Interstellar
Somewhere Between 2001 and 2010, so 2005?
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 169 min

Christopher Nolan is back!!!! In my mind at least. Didn’t care for his last Batman, nor Inception, which in retrospect was a lame dream within a lame dream within a lame dream

Maybe I needed some space from Nolan, or maybe Nolan needed to go to space. AND HE DID!!! IN SPADES!!! WHATEVER ‘IN SPADES‘ MEANS!!! Sure, it’s no 2001: A Space Odyssey, but it definitely wishes it was. Don’t we all

it was actually like this – in pictures (spoilers-ish ahead!)…

Matthew McConaughey likes to drive his big car
mcoughney drives

IN LIKE SMALLVILLE OR SOMETHING!
smallville 1978

And his daughter is Renesmee!
Renesmee

and like the Dust Bowl is happening or something
buster blown

and books are acting ghostly
ghost book

and everything we know is a lie
fake moon landing

and the earth is dying and all we have left is corn
bay corn hanks

and NASA is like in the same building as the WOPR was
WOPR

but the WOPR is now like some robot with no head but with crazy CRAZY crazy-assed legs
tars

which kinda reminds me of the best logo ever – the 70s WB one

anywho, McConaughey is like the last Starfighter
last starfighter

so says Michael Caine

but there are like 3 other starfighters joining him, including a not TOO annoying Anne Hathaway
anne hatwhay

and then typical space and movie space stuff happens…

legos astronaut

2001 ship

space call

space stuff

captain eo

cat pizza space

and then there’s some planetary visitations, to see if we could live there!

waterworld

hoth

and then there’s madness

and space lights

and some like dumb hokey Contact sh!t
contacy

and then a whole lot of stuff I don’t understand what they were talkin bout Willis
science

and then Elysium/70s future or something

and then some Benjamin Button type stuff pushing the kinda right AND wrong buttons at the same time
cate button

the end

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Interstellar is spaceballin’ at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

All Posts, Gifs, Kubrick, Movie Reviews
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2 Comments

Jake Gyllenhaal Is Watching You

14. Nov, 2014 2 Comments

Nightcrawler
Jeepers Creepers Peepers
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 117 min

Dude, Dan Gilroy‘s Nightcrawler is some creepy creeper creepenstein stuffs. It’s about Jake Gyanlennelhallll being a super creep with super super super creepy eyes and creeping the heck out of people with creepy stuff he films, to sell to TV stations (and like creeping out old hottie Rene Russo and creeping her into like doing sexual things to him… offscreen!! it’s like the first movie of this century with lots of sexual tension that doesn’t resort to showing sex!!!)

Look, don’t get me wrong, Jake Gynnahhaenhahhyall has always had super intense creeper peepers, but in Nightcrawler, it’s like 10zillionfold creeper creeps!!!!

creepy jake

creepy jake2

jcreeps

jake watching

gylenhalll creepers

creeps

jake creepy

jake creep nigt

jake creep nigt2

nightcrawler

creepy jake nightcrawler

jake crazy eyes

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Nightcrawler bugs you like Gynenhahhhall’s eyes, at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Jake Gyllenhaal is watching you

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2 Comments

Keatonjuice

29. Oct, 2014 1 Comment

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
Breaking The Fifth Wall
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 119 min

birdman

Alejandro González Iñárritu‘s Birdman is be like…

–

Michael Keaton is an actor who was once a superhero
keaton batman
and now is like nothing or something

&

a superhero kinda like Condorman
condorman

&

his daughter is Emma Stone

who’s like a strung out/sarcastic Daisy Duck

&

Keaton’s trying to put on a Broadway show
in hopes of reviving his career
producers-1968
but it kinda goes like The Producers
with Zach Galifianakis as the hybrid lovechild
of Zero Mostel & Gene Wilder

&

one of his costars is a jerky Ed Norton
who’s out to spoil all the fun
and steal the spotlight
ed norton x
(and Andrea Riseborough is kinda doing the same thing)

which makes it feel a little About Eve
all about eve

&

the fragile Naomi Watts is about to break

&

all of it seems like one giant artistical battle
like totally like Black Swan yo!
carrey black swan
but not nearly as freaky or freakin awesome

&

but its got shades of the creative long-take editing of
Hitch’s BRILLIANT Rope
rope cut

&

the even more creative and longer takes of
Alfonso Cuaron’s BRILLIANT Children of Men

&

luckily Amy Ryan is our center of gravity
and source of comfort
amy ryan

so what does it all add up to? an interesting movie with great technique, with a story that kinda grows old after an hour

glad to see Keaton back in action, but Oscars??? psssshah – this aint no Bettlejuice, or even Johnny Dangerously, so if he wins this year, it’s a make-up call for not winning for them roles

keaton ju‪

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Birdman is fly enuff in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

All Posts, Hitchcock, Movie Reviews
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1 Comment

He The People

24. Oct, 2014 1 Comment

Citizenfour
The Patriot Act
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 114 min

You know that one photo of Edward Snowden, right?

ed snowden

It wasn’t taken at a Sears portrait studio. It came from an interview he gave abroad, right as he was about to drop a bombshell of information on an unsuspecting world, implicating the US government of spying on its citizens at home, and zillions others across the globe

Well, if you ever wanted a behind the scenes tour of that photo, then Citizenfour is the doc for you. And why wouldn’t you want to know what’s going on in the background? The info he leaked is only half of the story. Why he leaked the info is 1/4 of the rest of the story, and how he went about going public is the other 1/4 – and it’s 100% captivating!

Snowden knew what he was doing, and what the fallout from it would be. He stealthily got in touch with two rabble-rousers who could assist in his cause – filmmaker Laura Poitras and journalist Glenn Greenwald. He got them both to meet him at a hotel in Hong Kong, where they set up shop and laid out the plans to spring his leak. He didn’t want the story to be about him, but about the bad that the US gov’mint was doing, and he knew that once the info got out there, that they’d try to turn the narrative into nuttin but Snowden

citizenfour

So the three leak the leaks, and watch the plumbers come streaming in. At first, Snowden held his identify back, but before he could be outed, he outed himself, with the help of Poitras and Greenwald, and naturally, he became the story. What starts as soft jitters in a quiet hotel room quickly escalates into full-scale paranoia, both for the players onscreen, and for us. It is truly a privilege to be able to sit and watch the events unfold, for something so mammoth, and historic. Could you imagine if footage existed of Deep Throat meeting Woodward and Bernstein in a garage??? It’s juss plain crazy that we get to see Snowden try to remain calm, while his name and face are splashed all over the TV’s news broadcasts, and knowing that he’d never be able to go home again

The info Snowden divulged is the story, but who Snowden is, why he did what he did, and what he had to do next is juss as important as the info itself. I mean, why not tell a story from all sides? If only the US government believed in such transparency

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

get on all Fours, in limited release today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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