The Beaver
Leave It
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 91 min

Mel Gibson is a guy in a deep funk, on the edge of much darkness.  Everyone’s given up on him, and he has nowhere really to go but further down a bottle of liquor.  No, we’re not talking about Mel Gibson the person, we’re talking about the character Mel Gibson plays in pal Jodie Foster‘s The Beaver.  Eager to see this disaster of a man play a disaster of a man put on display?  Of course you and we are.  Who doesn’t love watching a good ole train wreck, or indulging in things/people we can’t stand or that hate us for no good reason other than our control of the banks and the medi (how else do you explain why we relish in watching anything with Hitler in it, or can’t turn away from a Duke basketball game?).  Problem is, the man isn’t a disaster, the movie is!!!

The Beaver comes down to this: can you buy into a character who finds renewed passion for the Christ life with the help of a puppet he’s got his own fingers up in?  If it was played strictly for laughs, with a small slice of heart, it would work, but The Beaver oozes with way too much seriousness and sappiness, and we weren’t buying it for a second.  Maybe if the beaver was voiced by Jerry Mathers, we could suspend our disbelief, but the beav’s voice is Mel’s own, in a super-annoying cockney Australian accent that is so grating that it almost works as an anti-Australian tourism or anti-puppetry campaign.  More like camp-PAIN!!!!  Urgh!!!

So if you can’t buy into the beaver in The Beaver right off the bat, you’ll be stuck rolling your eyes until it’s time to roll out of the theater.  To make matters even worse, there’s a parallel story about Mel’s son (the ever annoying Anton Yelchin), who’s trying everything in his power to not end up like the old man.  By day he writes classmates’ papers for pay, and by night, he’s a whiny little bitch.  His latest client is the school’s arty smarty hottie (grumpy faced Jennifer Lawrence, not saying ‘you seen my daddy‘ 38388 times over this time) and it’s so not at all interesting that we won’t even bother elaborating about them

Writer Kyle Killen‘s story started out as a short one, and then went full blown, and then ended up as one of those Black Listers (best unproduced screenplays), but by the results, it probably should have remained black listed, or maybe just a short story, or juss anything that wasn’t Ordinary People Muppets

Nice Beaver:

via

Verdictgo: even though Mel’s performance is a slight draw here, nothing else is, so Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Beaver is puppetry of the leanest today in select cities

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Sucker Punch
Technical Crap Out
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Unwatchable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you need to know anything more about Zack Snyder‘s ode to nothing for no one?  Was this even a movie?  There was no plot, and if there was one, we’d laugh at you if you tried to explain it.  Maybe we’ll explain it to you and then you can laff at us or the movie

OK, so there’s this girl and she’s Emily Browning and she’s hot, even though she still looks like she’s 12.  so they dress her up like a anime sailor girl that sick twisted men JO to

and even though Browning’s a hottie, and it’s mad hot to see her wear things that are tight against her tight bod, that doesn’t mean you should pay to see her look hot

anywho, her like family dies (with a crane-shot funeral scene ripped right from Zack’s own Watchmen) and a bunch of crap happens and it’s exactly like the video for Aerosmith’s ‘Janie’s Got A Gun’

but instead of cheesy Aerosmith songs, the film is made up of shitty cover tunes that will make your ears want to run from cover from the covers.  wurst offender is Alison Mosshart’s cover of the Beatles’ ‘Tomorrow Never Knows’.  if you hear it, it IS dying!!!!!

so Browning’s left in her stepdad’s hands, but he wants her off of his hands, so he sends her to some building straight out of Scooby Doo

and it’s about as plastic looking as this mansion playset

apparently this isn’t a good place to be and soon some guy’s gonna come and like take Brownings brain or something.  OH NO!!!

luckily there’s some hot chicks around who instantly identify with her and want to help her!  they are Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone (she’s not hot, so movies, please stop trying to do so), Jamie Chung and Vanessa Hudgens (did they make her look gross on purpose?).  this movie sets their careers back 9 years and women’s lib by about 20.  it will also reset your brain to zero, and your wallet to minus $8 to $13 dollars

there’s also this vampy Russian broad who like helps girls act or dance or something.  she’s ‘played’ by Carla Gugino. Carla’s annoying Russian biznatch is so over the borscht top that she makes Bullwinkle’s Natasha look like a serious toon, like Rosie The Riveter

Carla Gugino is juss awful. AWFULLLLLLLLLLL.  maybe it’s the movie’s fault or maybe she should stop being in horrible movies.  we’re starting to think that if we see her name in a movie’s marquee that we should see whatever’s not starring her… unless she’s going NSFW

anywho, apparently Browning is a super sexy dancer and this movie turns into Burlesque or is it Showgirls?  does it matter?  it has zero nudity or zero anything.  it’s nothing.  no winking at the camera.  all stinking at the camera!!!

so Browning needs something to do, so she meets with David Carradine, but since he went all Michael Hutchence on us, he couldn’t be cast in the movie, so they went with Jack Crawford (Scott Glenn)

so David Carradine by way of Scott Glenn tells Browing that she has like 5 things to do and so begins video game level after video game level of accomplishing NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!  it’s like Scott Pilgrim, but with less Beck and less Mary Elizabeth Winstead.  Oh, you have to kill 8 boyfriends, huh?  WAKE US UP WHEN BORING IS OVER.  anyone who says SCOTT PILGRIM was good doesn’t know what good is.  they probably watch 2.5 Mens

so Browning and the ladies like start up a dance routine, but you never see them dance, so instead they jump into other movies like Lord of The Rings and Iron Giant and RoboCop and Sky Captain & The World of Boring and like other movies, and it all sucks!!!

and the dude running the show is Roman Moroni (Oscar Isaac) from Johnny Dangerously, and he is beyond a farigin icehole

and this movie is a fargin icehole

and then the same nothing happens like 8 times and then Jon Hamm shows up or something and then the credits roll

moral of the story?  hot chicks in tight clothing is not a movie

this movie is HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, and like we said at the beginning, UNWATCHABLE, so do the right thing and don’t watch it

Verdictgo: BEYOND Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Sucker SUCKS tomorrow at a theater new jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

 

Elektra Luxx
Ultra Suxxxxxxx
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

So, there’s this movie about a porn star with a heart of gold, and a pile of problems, played by everyone’s dream porn star Carla Gugino.  It co-stars the likes of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Marley Shelton, Timothy Olyphant, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Adrianne Palicki, Malin Akerman, Vincent Kartheiser, Lucy Punch, Justin Kirk, and even tosses in a cameo for Julianne Moore as the Virgin Mary!!  Woah, that’s a ton of foxy ladies and some choice-y male funsters, and it’s sorta about porn!!!  This could be sexy AND fun AND sexy fun!!! Right?

9,000,0,00000,00000,00% WRONG.  Within 2.3 minutes you can tell that this is dread on arrival.  How all these talented actors agreed to be in such a below-amateur production is more mind-boggling than playing Boggle against Dr Mindbender with only ‘Qu’ dice (see illustration at the bottom)!!!  And worst yet, apparently this is a sequel to a movie we’ve never heard of called Women In Trouble.  There must be something to the 1st one to warrant a 2nd pass, but we don’t even want to find out why, or even bother figuring out what secret info writer/director Sebastian Gutierrez has over these actors that he uses to blackmail them into acting in his greasy pieces of cruddddddddd.  There’s already rumblings about a 3rd movie called Women In Ecstasy, or more like AUDIENCE IN MISERY: PART 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Repent For Your Sins: you can make yer own Carla Gugino porn movie by A-B repeating her fine NSFW work in Sin City.  much easier on the eyes and ears than Luxxxxxxxx

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Luxx suxxxxxxxxxxxxx times like 9 bajillion in NY/LA/Boston & Seattle next Friday and hopefully nowhere after that

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

+ Boggle Black Letters photos!

+ Poggle The Lesser!

Vanishing On 7th Street
No Outlet
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Were you a teen (or mature child like weeself) of the 80s AND subscribed to HBO?  If so, you’ve probably seen Just One of The Guys and The Heavenly Kid 9328383922 times over, right????  Well how about the the post-apocalyptic-valley girl romp Night of The Comet [trailer]??????  We wacthed that 9328383922 times over too, and it was certainly of its place and time, and we’re sure if we saw it today it would be beyond awful/unwatchable, but still maintain some of its 80s charm.  Wellllllllllllllllllll, director Brad Anderson (Transsiberian and The Machinist) and writer Anthony Jaswinski‘s Vanishing On 7th Street barks up similar empty streets, but without the ‘gag me with a spoon’ attitude and fun, and it doesn’t need any years to pass to show some mold, cause this movie is awful/unwatchable TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sure, we were totes mcgotes with this movie for the first 15 minutes, when everyone instantly disappeared off the face of the earth, eggggcept for Hayden Christensen, Thandie Newton, John Leguizamo and lil Jacob Latimore, but when these survivors stop wandering round and meet one another at the only bar open in Detroit, on the titular street (duh), this thing turns into a achingly boring stage play that brings out the mos annoying qualities of each actor (Hayden – endless whining, Newton – a long, sad face longer and sadder than it needs to be, and Leguizamo – overly-overly-neurotic).  If only the unknown thing that’s making things vanish could have made the rest of the film vanish or like our eyes and ears vanish or like any other stupid vanish joke we could make that will help vanish this movie from our memory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just One of The Girls: so whatever became of Just One of The Guys girl Joyce Hyser? who knows (her most current pics are from 2001!), but we will never 5get her acting skills

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

7th St opens Friday in NY only & elsehwere elsewhen & is already available on-demand, if you so demand it!

and until next thyme the balcony & the girl who dressed like a guy is clothed…

The Rite
Diet Rite
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Father Gary Thomas is a real exorcist [read this interview!].  Matt Baglio wrote a book about him being a modern exorcist called The Rite. All this has been turned into a movie by Mikael HÃ¥fström (1408), but Father Thomas’ name has been changed to Michael Kovak (boring Colin O’Donoghue, who can barely open his eyes), probably to protect him being associated with this mostly blah movie.  If you run out and see this, you may need to be exorcised of boredom!!!

At first, Father Kovak’s struggle with faith and family (mortician father Rutger Hauer) holds our interest, all the way from his reluctance to enrolling in a seminary, to being coerced by Toby Jones into exorcism school at the Vatican in Rome.  When in Rome… teacher Ciarán Hinds (our mos flavroite actor going, besides Javier Bardem) sees something in the doubting Father K, he sends him off to learn from the master, Anthony Hopkins.  Hopkins takes him under his wing, and immediately has him assist in some de-demonizing.  So far, not so bad

Then things get convoluted, dumbfounded and juss plain dumb (and boring!) when they meet a boy who has a mysterious horseshoe imprint on his chest, and then Father K starts seeing and hearing things, and then doesn’t have sex with journalist Alice Braga, and then Hopkins starts acting strange (he smacks a child!!!!) and unleashes his own special style of hammy acting (like a more polished Nic Cage type dealio), which has diluted his performances as of late.  By the time Father K finds his faith (and Hopkins calms down), you’ll have long lost yours!!!

All Rite: Marta Gastini is one of the possessed peoples in this movie, and it’s no wonder, cause we’d love to possess her too!!!!

+ her ‘aunt’ is played by the bountiful Maria Grazia Cucinotta (of The Fap Is Not Enuff fame)

Verdictgo: the wrong outweighs the rite, so gotta go with Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Rite goes off today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…