Thighs Wide Shut

The Kid With A Bike
(Le gamin au vélo)
Spoked Up
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 87 min

Jean-Pierre Dardenne & Luc Dardenne‘s (aka as the Dardenne Brothers) The Kid With A Bike is about a kid… with a… bike!!  THAT’S RIGHT!!!  But this aint no ordinary kid, but this is an ordinary bike!!  The kid is Cyril (Thomas Doret) and his missing bike is the last link he has to his father (Jérémie Renier), who recently left him to make money and love elsewhere.  The kid starts off in search of his MIA bike, but really he’s searching for his father.  After randomly tightly hugging a random stranger (Cécile De France), this random stranger randomly decides to help the kid reunite with his bike, and his father.  The reunion with his bike goes well.  The reunion with his father… not so much.  Sad.  But this random lady is very nice and decides to take the kid under her wings, but the kid is troublesome and gets into some big troubles, but the lady is so so very very nice nice and caring that she stands by him thru thick and thin and thickish thinish.  Good for her.  Better for him.  Indifference for the bike

moral of the story – Bike is a sweet little movie about a boy and his bike and the random lady who helped the boy get back on his bike, and get his life bike back together.  If you hate this movie, you hate humanity, and probably hate bikes.  Don’t hate on humanity, and don’t hate on bikes

O Brothers: here’s a list of 20 sets of brother directors.  totally wished me & my bro were directors, instead of him being a lawyer and me being a master of thighs.  oh well

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Bike cycles into select theaters this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

btw, the best kid with a bike ever is Paperboy, and btw, you should never 5get who stole Little Mac’s bike

Project X
X Marks The Spot, OF FUN!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 88 min

Ever seen Can’t Hardly Wait?  Hopefully not, but if you did, Nima Nourizadeh‘s Project X is like Can’t Hardly Wait, cept it’s awesome and has hactual bare boobs, and gnomes, and fire, and water, and water on boobs, but not fire on boobs, and dorks we sorta care about (Thomas Mann, Oliver Cooper and Jonathan Daniel Brown, who is our new hero.  Not only did he go on a fake date with Whitney Port, but he also played a fake nerd in a porn [watch NSFNess]!!!).  And it’s got stuff, and fun, and a dog, and a midget, and a moon bounce, and it will remind you why high school was so awesome and how America’s got teen spirit like no other country, and did we mention watery boobs yet?

Kirby Your Enthusiasm Galore: Kirby Bliss Blanton & Nichole Bloom is be OK and all, but we’d prefer to invite these girls to our pants party…

Anna Sophia Berglund

Alexis Knapp aka Alexis Merizalde

this woulda been an endless list of hotties, cept 98% of them party goers aren’t listed on IMDb

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

also, we forgot to review…

Chronicle
With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility Fun!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 84 min

This movie is similar to Project X – three unknownish actors (although you totes know who Dane DeHaan is if you were a fan of In Treatment) battle endless hand-held camera action, and a budget the size of your penis.  Also, like X, it’s awesome, and does more with less than you do with your tiny penis.  But these three cats aint just party animals, theys gots super super powers and it’s more super powerful than anything goings on in one of those other big budget superhero movies we’ve seen in like the past like 5 years like.  like 9reals yo!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

X + Chron are currently awesome at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

oh, and a special shout out to Brady Hender and Nick Nervies, who deserve there own Project X spin-off, Project XI

make it happen Hollywürst!!!

This Is Not A Film
Iraning In Place
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Not Rated | 75 min

Jafar Panahi is an Iranian filmmaker currently not allowed to be an Iranian filmmaker, nor write screenplays, get interviewed or leave the country for 20 years, and at some point is to be imprisoned for 6 years.  Why?????  Because he’s an Iranian filmmaker that makes films in Iran that don’t seem to make the powers that be in Iran all that happy.  Is there anything that makes those guys happy????  What Jerkholes!!!

So, with nothing but time on his idle hands, Panahi enlists his documentarian buddy Mojtaba Mirtahmasb to film him doing pretty much nothing cept hanging around the house wondering what to do next, when he can’t really do anything.  Yep, it’s basically the world’s most boring free speech documentary going, but an important one lessthenone!

moral of the story – kinda long, even at 75 minutes, This Is Not A Film shouldn’t be considered movie watching entertainment, BECAUSE IT’S NOT A FILM OR A MOVIE OR SOMETHING, but more like a really dry 60 Minutes exposé on censorship without any questions being asked of the bad guys, but still, Panahi’s plight is worth your time & attention, even if the non-movie-flick-cinema-doc-thing isn’t really, but still!!!

This & Not That: our two favorite not things is be…

this shirt is black not

Verdictgo: Jeepers Sorta Worth A Peepers

This Is Not A Film is currently not a film playing in limited release, but it is

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed..

Michael
Feely-Touchy
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Not Rated | 96 min

Looking for a surefire way to get rid of someone you’re dating?  Take them to see Markus Schleinzer‘s darkly quiet and mesmerizing directorial debut Michael, about a kidnapping pedophile (Michael Fuith), who outside of being an immoral and horrible a$$hole of a human being, is juss an average Austrian working drone like you and we, who at home treats his little locked-up in the basement victim (David Rauchenberger) with 34% respect (they share meals! cleaning duties! Xmas gifts!), when he’s not being 66% disrespectful to him (!!!)

Now this doesn’t mean that Michael is filled with nothing but kiddie bum touching and other things no one wants to watch in a movie (or in real life for that matter), cause it’s not (most of that kinda stuff happens off screen), or one of these flicks that forces us to sympathize with someone who doesn’t deserve to live, cause it doesn’t, or one that gives us hope that the little kid’s got better days ahead, cause it doesn’t, sorta.  So what is it about this movie that makes it watchable???  Can’t really put a finger on it [GROSS], but it’s kinda touching??? [GROSS]

moral of the story – the flick is kinda sorta based on the case of Natascha Kampusch, but you don’t need real-life boogeymen to inspire tales of humanity’s dark side, but we do need movies like this to remind us that these boogeymen hactually do exist AND are human beings, doing inhumane things, and the song will always remains the song – THEY ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLES (who are so fascinating cause they is horribles)!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers/Creepers

Michael is currently playing in limited release

oh, and this movie should not be confused with this movie

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Haywire
The MMA Experience
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 93 min

Having a tough time trying to figure out what to make of Steven Nerderbergh‘s Haywire.  It’s kinda La Femme Nikitaish, but feels more like a 90s Steven Seagal flick with shades of whatever that Jim Jarmusch movie was.  See what we mean?  But there’s one thing that’s super clear - Gina Carano kicks ass, on screen and in general.  Credit Nerderbergh for plucking her from his TV watching to his movie-making, but maybe he should have left the plucking to someone else.   He’s got this ace in the hole, but doesn’t seem to know what to do with it, cept occasionally let her kick

Apparently what he decided to do was make a half-baked tale of a hired gun (foot?) who gets double crossed and then needs to double back in order to set things doubly straight.  By the time we get to the end and the 5 Ws get ‘revealed’, it seems a little too late to make this simple plot seem complex

But… it really doesn’t matter what transgressed cause we get to watch Carano mix it up all over America and Europe with the likes of Ewan McGregor (why don’t movies juss let him speak in his natural accent?), Michael Fassbender (no wang dangling here), Michael Angarano (hey, it’s that guy!), Channing Tatum (he’s kinda the best wurst actor ever), Michael Douglas (brings instant gravitas to anything), Antonio Banderas (bearded!), Mathieu Kassovitz (also bearded! and always a pleasure to see him) and Bill Paxton (who’s so great that someone had to make a pinball game about him!).  And any movie with that crew crewing it up is bound to be watchable, cause it’s true

moral of the story: this is a good start for Carano’s young movie career, but ultimately it’s kinda like a Girlfriend Experience with zero sex and more kicking

American Glad We Don’t Hate Her: WE KNEW CARANO LOOKED FAMILIAR!!!! 

Verdictgo: low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Haywire kicks it at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…