Box Office Bidness Gary Oldman vs. The Youngins

1. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban – $92.6 million (NEW) – Mos def the best third installment of any movie ever. Yes, butter than LOTR: ROTK, Return of the Jedi, Batman Forever, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, RoboCop 3, Jaws 3-D, Leprechaun 3, House Party 3, Free Willy 3: The Rescue, Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies Go to College, Air Bud: World Pup, and just a tad butter than Police Academy 3: Back in Training. Review (still) forthcommmmming…

2. Shrek 2 – $37 million ($313.6 million) – I think you have to be mildly (scuse the word) retarded to enjoy these “jokes” the animators threw in: Burger Prince, Olde Knavery, Saxon Fifth Avenue, Romeo Drive, Versarchery, Farbucks Coffee, Friar’s Fat Boy, and Tower of London Records. Remind me why I don’t want to have children again? Oh yeah, cause I’d rather blow my money and wads on whores than buy boxes of 120 Crayola Crayons. Did you know that there’s a color called “jazzberry jam”? What the fudge is that?

3. The Day After Tomorrow Never Knows – $28.2 million ($128.8 million) – Al Gore isn’t always a genius. Sure he gave us the internet, but he also championed this shitpick. Note to BBF (Big Budget Fiasco) producers: less characters, more destruction. Note to self: figure out what the fudge “jazzberry jam” looks like. Me review of TDAT can be found here.

4. Raising Helen – $6.7 million ($24.2 million) – Kate Hudson, stop f-in smiling. Every movie yer in now is eggzactly the same. Try branching out for once. Or at least show us yer ba-zoombies again or else your career will be more done than GW Bush’s. Same goes to you John Corbett, cept I don’t want to see yer tits.

5. Troy $5.7 million ($119.1 million) – Did you know that Orlando Bloom’s nickname is Orli?

6. Mean Girls– $2.9 million ($78.1 million) – Lindsay Lohan, I love you so much. Maybe too much. Such and such. Anywho, my partner in rhyme, Time Were-spanko, pointed out that Gary Puckett & The Union Gap’s “Young Girl” sums up my relationship with Lohan-brau:

Young girl, get out of my mind

My love for you is way out of line

Better run, girl,

You’re much too young, girl

With all the charms of a woman

You’ve kept the secret of your youth

You led me to believe

You’re old enough

To give me Love

And now it hurts to know the truth, Oh,

Beneath your perfume and make-up

You’re just a baby in disguise

And though you know

That it is wrong to be

Alone with me

That come on look is in your eyes, Oh,

So hurry home to your mama

I’m sure she wonders where you are

Get out of here

Before I have the time

To change my mind

‘Cause I’m afraid we’ll go too far, Oh,

Young girl

7. Soul Plane – $2.9 million ($11.1 million) – What the fudgesicle happened to Method Man? Everything started going sour after he unleashed the plague known as 1998’s Tical 2000: Judgement Day on the world. And if any of you dear readers TiVo his new Fox “sitcom” Method & Red, please don’t bother ever returning to this site.

8. Van Helsing – $2.3 million ($114.5 million) – Bad movie trend: titles with the word “Van” in it. First Van Wilder and now Van HellSUCKSmygrundlehair.

9. Man On Fire – $1.0 million ($75.4 million) – I’d rather watch this man man on fire, than this movie.

10. Super Size Me – $.8 million ($6.2 million) – Some dumpy chick named SoSo Whaley (insert “whale” joke here) challenged Morgan Spurlock’s McDiet and lost 10 pounds!! F-em both. Just breathe bacon and shower in mayo and u will lose weight.