Reboot Camp

Friday the 13th
Who Could Axe For More? Everyone!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Jason Voorhees is back and he’s badder than ever just about the same/lame as you remember him! Producer Michael Bay and director Marcus Nispel (not to be confused with Nipsey Russell) have reteamed to remake/not improve upon another horror classic, like they pointlessly did with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (although we still stand by the claim that the TCM prequel was > than the Star Wars prequels). This is the 11th Friday the 13th movie (or 12th, if you count Freddy vs Jason) and you know they aint gonna stop making these until you stop paying to see em, or at least until they hit #13. Called a ‘reboot’ (still officially one of the wurstest/most annoying terms used in print, since at least 2006), this new and not at all scary FT13 is about as necessary as owning a They Are Who We Thought They Wereâ„¢ hat (come to think of it, owning that hat is kinda necessary). At least the moviemakers (we wouldn’t dare call them ‘filmmakers’) had the common indecency to include some solid T&A and have their refarted characters (including this dude who totally wishes he was Matt McCoughney circa Dazed & Confused and Aaron Yoo, who is also known as annoying Asian guy, but is not as annoying as this annoying Asian guy) spew dialog that was kinda sorta high-lariously written, such as ‘Your tits are stupendous!‘. Next up for Bay (and Nipsey Nispel) is a repooping of A Nigthmare on Elm Street, followed by a repoop of The Birds with Naomi Watts. What’s with all the repoops Bay? If you love these classics so much and want to introduce them to a whole new generation of moviegoers why don’t you juss re-release the originals in theaters (juss like the successful run of The Exorcist in 2000) instead of repooping all over them? Repoop!

Damsels In Dis-Dress:

gawd bless the bodies of work of Julianna Guill, Danielle Panabaker & Willa Ford… although cutie-pie mcgee/young Jeanne Tripplehorn look-alike Panabaker sadly keeps her clothes on the entire time

Verdictgo: with all this repoop talk, you’d think that this would be a no doubt repoopulous affair, but it’s not entirely unwatchable, so Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

It Comes To Shove
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Push looks 100% awesome, but makes -348386 sense and is about .001% entertaining. It’s kinda like Heroes or X-Men, where everyone and yer nana has a special power and everyone else is out to get them, yet it’s more confusing and doesn’t star Greg Grunberg or is directed by Brett Ratner. It hactually stars a sorta growns up Dakota Fanning (who draws the future like that drawer of the future from Heroes) and that dude from Amistad and that guy who’s the flaming gay brother of Jessica Alba and Camilla belle’s eyebrows, which are so hot, but for most of the movie they make her too sweaty and beat-up looking, which totally is not her steez, but later on in the movie she cleans up and looks like good old Camilla Belle and she’s the bestest belle since Albert Belle was on the O’s, justin case you plumb forgot. We can’t remember what the premise of the movie was or what anyone’s powers were (besides the power of Asians screaming) or why any of it mattered, but wethinks it inolved some sorta ongoing battle between the Movers, Pushers, Wacthers, Bleeders, Sniffs, Shifters, Wipers, Shadows and Stitchers (thanks Wikipedia!). Wonder if the Movers are also Shakers and if any Quakers are also Shakers and if any of them live in Shaker Heights, Ohio? Are you as lost as Hurley? So are we, so we’ll stop now and forever hold our peace pipe about a movie so hard to watch that it makes the new Friday The 13th look like the old Friday The 13th

We Wanna Be Her Pusher: meat 李小璐 aka Li Xiao Lu aka Jacqueline Li aka Lu Lu aka our future wife

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Friday and Push are currently playing at a theater new Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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