the real winners from the 91st Academy Awards…

fluffy Linda Cardellini shines in her latest role – Pink Parts

Queen was like, we will rock you, and Javier Bardem was like, fcuk yeah/joder si!!!

excellent choice for Margot Kidder RIP pic (although there are even sexier superwomanier ones where that/I came/come from)

not sure why these two aren’t headlining a studio comedy every year (instead of Will Ferrell & whomever)

Richard E Grant is wowed by the sight of Barbra Streisand.  be like Richard E and be wowed by things

OMG – Rami Malek and Lucy Boynton are in love off-screen too! ♥♥♥

objects may appear orange, but they turned our hearts bright red

and this about sums it up (even though Green Book is a solid film)

https://twitter.com/ira/status/1099885809748996097?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1099885809748996097%7Ctwgr%5E363937393b70726f64756374696f6e&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.yahoo.com%2Fentertainment%2Flike-white-pages-people-furious-green-book-won-best-picture-115637994.html

but, Mister Rogers and Eighth Grade and Zodiac were still robbed

Mother!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 121 min

Mother!?

More like…

Mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is A LOT going on in this movie, and while most of it is biblical, and all of it is EPIC, the moral I got out of it is this – when inviting guests or visitors into your home ALWAYS check with your wife first before doing any inviting!!!!!!!  

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

To The Wonder
Days of Unleavened
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 112 min

A couple, deep in love, ascend the castle mount of France’s majestic Mont Saint-Michel.  They hold hands, caress, kiss, stare at each other’s beauty, the man-made beauty of the castle, and the heavenly nature-made beauty of their tidal surroundings.  The music swells, the cameras swooshes by, she runs wild on the sand, glowing under the wide open sky, and the eyes of god?  Repeat, repeat, repeat.  Wow, we’re at the very beginning of Terrence Malick‘s next poetic masterpiece… right???  Well…

Well, the couple (Ben Affleck & Bond Girl Olga Kurylenko) decide to leave Europe for the friendly suburban plain planes of America, where he does environmental land things.  Guess what, the caressing, kissing, staring, music swelling, and camera swooshes crossed the ocean with them (although the running wild on sand has been replaced by running wild thru wheat fields).  Repeat, repeat, repeat.  But then after they settle in, maybe he’s no longer that into her as she is into him.  The caressing and kissing are replaced by arms being thrown up in the air in disgust, and the staring is no longer the kind kind, and yet the music still swells, and the camera continues to swoosh.  Her visa is up, and he doesn’t marry her, so she has to go home (with her daughter.  we coulda mentioned her earlier, but the daughter doesn’t matter).  He then meets Rachel McAdams (apparently again, although it’s not clear that they’ve met before) and so he’s found a new lady to caress and kiss and stare at, all while the music swells and the camera swooshes.  New she doesn’t like to run thru wheat fields as much as the old she did, but she certainly still loves wheat fields. Repeat, repeat, repeat.  But then the original she comes back into the picture/America so new she goes bye bye, and then he and old she are doing a combo of caressing, kissing, staring and throwing their arms up in the air in disgust, while the music swells and the camera swooshes by.  That’s basically the movie – one long montage of what we juss described, on endless repeat repeat repeat repeat.  Oh wait, forget to mention that Javier Bardem was in this too.  He plays a priest who has like lost his way, kinda like the old she has, and they’re both trying to find their way back, to god, and themselves, and stuff.  Or something

What actually is going on, or transpired, or whatever ever To The Wonder is is anyone’s guess (some say it has to do with the disintegration of Malick’s own marriage to a European lady).  There’s barely any dialog, mostly lyrical narration, and this spiritual meditation babble gets plopped on top of the swelling music and camera swooshes, and guides the viewer further away from understanding.  Look, this kinda stuff was fine when it was in Tree of Life, cause things happened in Tree of Life, like Bradd Pittt saying ‘hit me‘, and death, and dinosaurs, and the creation of earth, AND STUFF, but when you try to use the same GORGEOUS cinematography against a movie of nothing but caressing and kissing and then not caressing and not kissing and lots of running thru wheat fields it doesn’t really do anything for anybody.  It juss becomes one of those Koyaanisqatsi Powaqqatsi Naqoyqatsi movie things, which aren’t really movies, but juss long montages set to the music of Philip Glass.  That’s what this feels like – pretty images with pretty music with pretty much no point.  Look, there won’t be another film in 2013 as beautiful as Malick’s To The Wonder, but beauty doesn’t make a movie.  If I wanted to look at empty beauty, I’d head to my nearest breastaurant

Oh Malick, why did you make such a Terrence Malicky Terrence Malick homage of a Terrence Malick film???  You tried to make like a modern day Days of Heaven in Hell, and ya juss ended up out-Terrence Malicking yerself.  But hey, I’m not really complaining, cause I love that he’s doubled his own output in 8 short years, and has like 99 movies in the pipeline, but are they all going to be these visual poems with no chapters, footnotes, forwards or epilogues??  Maybe time will be kind to To The Wonder, but I have to wonder, wonder what the fcuk that was all about, but for now, God only knows

Verdictgo: kinda pains me to say, but 9reals, this is totes Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Wonders why today in limited release & on-demand

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Skyfall
M Mmmmm Good
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 143 min

BOND IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN HIS BESTEST ADVENTURE YET!  Not really, cause no Bond movie can complete with Bond getting married AND curling, but hey, Bond flick #23 – Skyfall aint no Quantum of Whateverness, but then again it aint no Casino Royal with cheese, but then again then again then again then again

So what is Skyfall?  Skyfall istelf is actually a something, a something we won’t spoil for you, but it hactually holds meaning, instead of being a something stupid like whatever the Quantum of Solange was is.  Oh, you want to know?  OK, Skyfall is the nickname of M/Judi Dench‘s cavernous vagina

No, but seriously, Skyfall the movie (not Skyfall the person/place or thing) is one of the more straightforward Bond flicks of recent memory.  There’s no needless & endless razzle dazzle, juss a much more simplistic, linear story that goes from point A to point B without being point-less.  Bond flicks these here days have to compete with the frantic Bourne series, but Sam Mendes & co decided not to go all Bourne again, and instead went with more of a Christopher Nolan – Batman route, exploring more of the personal side of Jamesly Bond and those who support him.  M is like Alfred, and Skyfall is like… !??#??#!???

If you’ve been dying for a Bond flick to take place mainly on the British Isles, well then, Skyfall is the Bond you have always been waiting for!  Sure, there are other locales – the opening Istanbul stuff with roof radness taken straight from Taken 2 + some Blade Runnery video buildings in Shanghai + some sultry, well-lit, well-lanterned, well-bobbed casino action in Macau + some Chernobyl-like deserted island, but this Bond and this Bond film works its mojo very mojoly back on home turf!!  Above ground, underground, in and around the actual Underground, MI6, MI7, and much moors!!  That spelling is on purpose, but we can’t tell you much MOORS than that.  SKYFALL!!! ROSEBUD!!!

So, how’s Bond he-self?  Daniel Craig is smooth sailing in his 3rd outting.  He’s gruff, he’s tough, and he can deliver the cheesy one-liners with a smirk and not look like a total jerk.  He’s a great Bond.  We loves him.  Who cares if he’s 4 foot tall

So, how’s the bad guy and his schemes?  Javier Bardem as Silva is super blonde and super gay and super strange and super great.  Of course he is, he’s Javier Bardem.  As for his character, he’s interesting, but not eggzactly fascinating.  Bardem does his best with him, but he’s mainly juss some guy who looks like a muppet with blonde eyebrows who hates Judi Dench, and who would hate Judi Dench?  WHO??!?!?!?

So, what about the Bond girls?  You already met them, but you don’t know anything about them besides them being sexy playthings for Bond to gawk at and sometimes touch.  There’s secret agent/secret hotness Naomie Harris, who everyone fell for in 28 Days Later, but really hasn’t made much of a mark since then.  She’s on team Bond, and she bonds with Bond, and Gold Bonds his balls.  Sorta, not really, but she’s cool and they HINTTTTTTTTT at her sticking around in the future, which is great, cause I said so.  As for an actual main Bond girl gal, the part French, part Khmer-Chinese exotic hotty Bérénice Marlohe sultrysizes up the screen in her brief, but steamy screen time.  There’s not much for her to do here besides give pissed off looks with her mouth, but we do sorta get to see her shower!  SORTA!!

So, what about the other people?  There’s Ralph Fiennes, who always plays a smug a$$hole in movies, and here he plays a smug a$$hole, but maybe he’s a smug a$$hole with a secret nice side!  Anywho, he doesn’t do much cept doubt Dame Judi, but maybe he secretly wants to sky fall into her Skyfall vagina.  Then there’s Albert Finney.  All we will tell you about him is that he’s in this movie, and bearded, and he still has the greatest blowhardy voice in acting.  I hope he never dies.  He will, but maybe he can DIE ANOTHER DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!  And then there’s the new Q - Ben Whishaw, who has the greatest voice in acting, period!  exclamation point!   HOW CAN WE HAVE SEX WITH HIS VOICE!!!!  So, one would think that Q would pop up for like ten seconds to give Bond 10 gadgets and then disappear til the next movie, BUT THAT’S NOT THE CASE!!!  This movie has more Q & M and Ps & Qs and A&P & A&W action than all the other Bond movies combined!!!!!!!!!!  Maybe!!!!!

So, what are you waiting for to sky fall into Dame Judi Dench’s cavernous skyfall vagina???  You never know if you’ll get the chance to do so EVER again!!!!!

oh, and upon further reflection – the Adele theme song is fcuking fantastic, although the opening title sequence was 1/2 rad, and 1/2 bad

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Skyfall LANDS in a theater near jews this Friday!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

yep, a new Bond movie (Skyfall) = a new set of Bond girls to fap to!

Eve

Naomie Harris

Sévérine

Bérénice Marlohe

Clair Dowar MP

Helen McCrory

Vanessa (M’s Assistant)

Elize du Toit

Bond’s Beach Lover

Tonia Sotiropoulou

Floating Dragon Cashier

Yennis Cheung

M’s Inquiry Assistant

Dominique Anne Jones

Commuter (uncredited)

Amber Elizabeth

London Whitehall Commuter (uncredited)

Senem Temiz

(uncredited)

Nichola Fynn

Silva

Javier Bardem

Q

Ben Whishaw