Thighs Wide Shut

Jackass 3D
3Deez Nutz!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

About 5 minutes into the 3rd Jackass we started to doubt if this kinda tomfoolery was still a laughing matter.  Had Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Steve-O, Ryan Dunn, Chris Pontius, Ehren McGhehey, Preston Lacy, Dave England and Jason ‘Wee Man’ Acuña‘s five minutes of pain become passé and irrelevant in a YouTube world?  Then we saw a dude get hit in the balls (not Hans Moleman, nor George C Scott), and fall down (327636 times over), IN 3-D, and then we forgot that stoopid notion faster than we forgot about any movie directed by Jason Reitman!!!!!!!  And from that point on, the sh#t eating grin on our face from watching bros get sh$t upon never left or let up until the very last frame of awesomeness

Girls have Sex & The City, and fellas have Jackass, and lettuce juss say that this is juss one of the many great reasons that being born with XY chromosomes is the key to eternal happiness.  If you only see two 3-D movies in your life make it this one and Step Up 3-D, snatchurally! Everything else is bunk, and everything else doesn’t have punches to the face displayed in dazzlingly shot slow-motion replays.  Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you guys, again and again, for putting your life and testicles on the line for our entertainment.  Please never EVER stop, at least until you lose your testicles

When We Were Princes: before there were Jackass vids there were Big Brother vids.  The skateboarding mag started releasing them back in 1996, and by the time Number 2 dropped two years later, with Knoxville subjecting his body to a world of terror, a revolution of devolution was born, and spankfully hasn’t quit since

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Jackass kicks major a$$ today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Carlos
Highjackal!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Simple rule of thumb for exceedingly crazy-arsed long movies: a movie can be as long as it needs to be, just so long as anything over the perfect runtime of 90 minutes is absolutely necessary.  Most movies could use a good trim (the 3rd LOTR flick) and some could stand to be expanded (Zodiac, duh!), and some shouldn’t have been made longer than 5 minutes (Nerderberg’s insufferable Che).  Olivier Assayas‘ Carlos, a sprawling and masterful 3-part French TV mini-series epic, turned into one gigantic film for other countries, clocks in at a WHOPPING 330 minutes (5 1/2 hours), and we can honestly say that not a single moment was wasted, even if one’s eyes will fall out of their sockets after sitting thru it.  (there will also be a 165 ‘theatrical cut’ being shown in theaters, which we have yet to see and are THIGHLY curious to check out what got cut in half!!!)

What’s moist hammazin about Assayas’ mammoth undertaking is not how he pulled it off (but seriously, HOW DID HE?! 2 decades of story, shot over 7 months, in 7 different countries, in countless languages, all looking MIGHTY 70s/80s GORGEOUS!!), but how dang fast it all flys by!!!  ZIP ZIP ZOOOOEY!!!  Luckily he took his pacing cues from Fincher’s Zodiac!  Even if the film went unmade, the work and research that Assayas and co-writer Dan Franck put into a 300 page screenplay is worthy of applause all on its own!!!!  And guess what, so little is actually known about Venezuelan global terrorist Carlos the Jackal (Édgar Ramírez, who deserves a ton of accolades, and more accent marks in his name) that they had to make up a bunch of stuff!!!  And who cares, hispecially if it’s so dang captivating (even if it’s hard to maintain fluid and tense drama for that long of a period)!  It’s like what Finchy and Sorkin pulled with The Social Network, but Carlos deals with stuff that’s actually important, like hurting people, and not juss their feelings!

OK, there’s some known stuff about the Jackal, like killing some cops, taking some hostages here and there, flying planes to shady countries, drinking tons of whiskey, smoking tons of fags, banging some slutty revolutionary chicks, plotting, plotting some more, plotting some more after some more, until he eventually became a bloated nonentity and a relic dinosaur of terrorism’s past, before eventually being captured!!!  In a shellnut, that’s the entire story

Carlos is the flipside of Spielbergo’s Munich, AKA the best movie of 2005!!  While we’re not likely to put Carlos at the very very top of our list at the end of 2010, in time, that may turn out to be a decision we regret.  What to do, what to do????  Dunno, but you should give up 330 minutes of your life to see this, which you’ll gladly never get back!!!

Time Out of Mind:  so what is the longest movie ever?   Guinness sez The Cure For Insomnia. sounds more like the cause of insomnia!!  here are two lists of the longest films evers!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Carlos will be released as follows:

TV – broadcast premiere on the Sundance Channel from Rocktober 11 thru 13 (sorry about the late notice!)

THEATRICAL – opens in NY on Friday.  330 minute Special Roadshow Edition at IFC Center – Roct 15 to Nov 2 ONLY.  The 165 minute ‘theatrical cut’ will be shown at Lincoln Plaza Cinemas.  Both the extended version and the shorter cut will roll out theatrically elsewhere elsewhen

VOD – the 165 minute cut will also be shown on video on demand beginning Rocktober 20

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Social Network
Turn On, Log In, Cash Out
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Cocky Boston college kids get rich beyond their wildest dreams and hot chicks beyond their wildest wet dreams, thanks to a lil backhandedness and most importantly, brains!!  No, we’re not talking about Ben Mezrich’s fun book Bringing Down The House about the M.I.T.ers who beatdown Vegas, and the not-so fun movie adaptation 21 starring Kevin Spacey, but we ARE talking about another Mezrich work, and it too apparently involves Spacey. Ben’s Accidental Billionaires: The Founding of Facebook A Tale of Sex, Money, Genius and Betrayal has been given the big screen treatment (Spacey as Producer), with overly whip & whit-smart dialog by Aaron Sorkin, and the unnecessary for this material directing greatness of David Fincher (who employed Spacey in Se7en).  And the results?  No, it’s not the Citizen Kane of the 21st century, the movie that defines a generation, or even the best of the year (a lil too early to tell, being September and all + there’s Fish Tank and Enter The Void?????), but it’s 3983283484 times the movie 21 was and it’s directed by David Fincher, so therefore it’s beyond beautiful and utterly fantastic (Ben Borings Buttons was an exception to HE RULES!!!!), although it’s no Zodiac, which IS one of the best movies of the past 10+ years, so there!  We will say that it’s probably the bestest internet related movie since the birth of the internets!!  INTERNETS!!!!!

So what’s the story of The Facebook anywayszz?  Is it even all that interesting and worth telling?  As a whole, no, but the real life characters involved and their strained relationships with one another are worth the exploration/exploitation.  There’s the face of the Book, the crafty/shifty Mark Zuckerberg (the always cerebral, and for once spiteful Jesse Eisenberg!), and all those he left in the dust on the way to zillions, who, in turned sued his pants off, like his former BFF and initial investor Eduardo Saverin (Andrew Garfield, of Andrew Garfield Minus Andrew Garfield fame), and his over-privileged business partners of all of 8 seconds who’s ideas he nicked, rowing twins Cameron Winklevoss & Tyler Winklevoss (a perfectly WASPy Armie Hammer pulling double duty, who even met the real twins he played!) and Divya Narendra (Max Minghella).  There’s also the woman (Rooney Mara, the American Lisbeth Salander) who broke Zuck’s heart, and in turn motivated him to think big, and the man who stole his, Napsterer Sean Parker (a decent Justin Timberlake, although wethinks Mark-Paul Gosselaar should be getting all of his roles), who pushed him to think even bigger!

And yet the real stars aren’t the actors, but the mood makers.  Word em ups to Sorkin, and his whirlwind and sirprizngly funny script.  Hear, hear big time to Trent Reznor(!!!!) and Atticus Ross and their haunting, pulsating score.  And the eyes have it for cinematographer Jeff Cronenweth, who makes Harvard’s campus look like the next haunting grounds of… THE ZODIAC!!!  And speaking of Zodiac, is there any active director more on top of his game than Fincher?  Is he 5reals?  Can he figure out a way to direct 10 movies a year????  Seriously, how’d Ben Buttons turn out to be such a missfire?  Can he direct Zodiac again???  No, seriously, can he?  Cause if Social Network walks away with the Best Pic Oscar on February 27th, which wouldn’t be a shocker or undeserved, why can’t/didn’t Zodiac?????  IT DIDN’T EVEN GET ONE NOMINATION!!!!!!!!!  Doesn’t matter, cause they Academy Awards never get it right.  Always a bunch of make up calls or juss too late on everything and everyone.  See Danny Boyle and his Trainspotting vs him and his gold-statuette minted Slumdog Millionaire as a perfect example

ZODIAC!!!!

And oh yeah, nice to see Zodiac alum John Getz as Zuck’s lawyer!!!

and oh yeah,

ZODIAC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Become A Fan: of these Social hotties!!!

Brenda Song

Felisha Terrell (not Owens)

Caitlin Gerard

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Network gets wired at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Enter The Void
Void Where Prohibited
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Remember last April when we all discovered the ‘single greatestestest set of opening credits mt EVERest and Erebus!!!!!’??  Here they be again, if your brain need re-frying

Well, who had any idea what kind of movie could follow that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And the answer is basically indescribable, undefinable (Lady On The Lake set to the sounds of Daft Punk?), unwatchable, unbelievable, and undeniable!!!!  It is Gaspar Noé‘s follow-up to his un-follow-upable Irreversible (the movie with the 9 minute rape scene… that we actually took our parents to go and see.  FACT!): Enter The Void, and it is THE MOST FU&KED-UP MOVIE WE HAVE EVER SEEN, and it is one of the most hellish on earthish movie experiences we have ever endured (and we’ve sat thru a lot of painful stuff. Trash Humpers anyone?), and we cannot recommend that you see it whatsoever, and yet it might not only be the movie of the year, but maybe one of cinema’s all time greatestsssttsss visual accomplishments EVERRRRRRRRRRRRsss.  Yes, it’s that contradictory, and it will dick with yer mind and senses and it will make you explode internally (implode?).  Same thing will be true when viewed 100 years from now (film students will ogle and marvel and study the heck outta dem seamless whooping crane shots from place to place).  If you do dare to enter Enter The Void, go sober, leave wasted.  You will feel sick.  We did, literally, to our stomachs.  GROSS!!!  You will never look at neon colors the same again.  You will never want to go to Tokyo.  You will fear anyone who has a crotch that glows.  You will never want to see an extreme close-up of a penis ever again, even if you love penises AND extreme close-ups. If you don’t smoke cigarettes, this movie will make you a 6 pack a day smoker.  If you can’t deal with the 5 minute MTV-banned video of Prodigy’s ‘Smack My Bitch Up’ [NSFW] then DO NOT ENTER cause it’s like that times 32.2 and with more neon AND boobs (Paz de la Huerta‘s, natch!) and drugs and bitch smackings ups and banananananananaszzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!!!!!!!!

O M F Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd.  Who gives this guy money to make movies????????  Whomever it is, please stop AND also don’t ever stop.  We firmly believe that all movies should be entertaining, but being visually lynched and raped is sometimes the exception to the rule that rulesssssssssssss!  AYE CARAYMBBBBBBBBBBBBBASSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We head aches juss thinking about it!!!  Hell, we hate this movie so much that we don’t ever want to see it again, but love it cause we hate it and it’s more challenging than trying to watch both Changeling movies on the Challenger!!!  What a beautiful car wreck, and oh yeah, beware of the car wreck!!!!!!  Death!!!!  Life after death!!!!  Abortions!!!! Birth!!!! Rebirth!!!!  Afterbirth!!!!  A hotel of people f$%king with glowing crotches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Enter The Void, exit this review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More Voids To Enter: peep this numb-minding music vid Noé made for ‘Si Mince’ by Arielle

Verdictgo: the impossible… Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous AND Breast In Show

Enter The Void today only in NY & LA, and on IFC on-demand on 9/29! (although if you can find the courage to ever see it, the big screen is the way to go)

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

I’m Still Here
Turning A New Rotten Leaf
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Is the documentary I’m Still Here a hoax or is it faux-real?  Can it be both?  Can it be neither?  Does it even really matter when Joaquin Phoenix basically sank his own acting career battleship by having his ill-advised hip-hop sojourn chronicled for all to see (by To Die For co-star and brother-in law Casey Affleck), and suffer through?  Sure, there were probably plenty of staged bits (name one reality-based anything that isn’t), but we tend to think there are more genuine moments than there aren’t (hopefully that includes the scene with Edward ‘E-JO’ James Olmos).  This much is certainly true: JP(his name, not ours)’s life is a mess, and that mess keeps gettin messier than Mark Messier at a drunken family reunion of Messiers!!  Watching it unfold is excruciating bidness a majority of time (his post-Letterman appearance meltdown is worth the price of admission alone), slow and boring much of the time, and yet it has a neverending spell of fascination it casts upon any viewer and will never let go!!  Shiz is still haunting us, days after contact, and will be fore the 5seeable future (esp with a return trip to Letterman in the werks)!!!  And beyond all that, it’s a franztastic probing look at modern celebrity culture and the insta-meta-criticism floating round the internets!!  And if it is a hoax, it’s certainly the greatest performance of not only Phoenix’s career, but Sean ‘P. Diddy’ Combs‘ too!!!!

Update: IT WASN’T REAL!!!!!!!!!!

The Way We Were: never forget the Leafy early years…

SpaceCamp! Ruskies!  Parenthood!  To Die For!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Here is currently here

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…