Thighs Wide Shut

The Help
Maid In America
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 137 min

We’re not super big on southern styled movies revolving around sassy women doing sassy things in sassypants (never have seen Steel Magnolias, Driving Miss Daisy, or Green Fried Tomatoes), but we do like us some sappy movies that make us cry and semi-revolve around pie and fried chicken.  The Help is just such a movie, but this one’s got a message, about dicey race relations or something, but with a hope for a better tomorrow, or something!!!  And guess what, WE LOVED IT TO TEARS!!!!!!!!!  NOW FEED US SOME FRIED CHICKEN, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Based on the runaway bestseller of the same name by Kathryn Stockett (that we haven’t read a word of, snatchurally), no-name writer/director Tate Taylor takes the story about the stories of two black maids (stoically solid, and Oscar-worthy Viola Davis, and an outrageously enraged Octavia Spencer) and the one white woman (not even fugly wigs can make Emma Stone un-hot/awesome) ‘brave’ enuff to tell their stories, and makes all these stories about stories of stories well worth telling and watching… even if they never happened, and even if some have accused the movie of candy-coloring & white-washing elements of the Civil Rights era.  So what if Skeeter (Emma Stone’s stoopid character’s name) is the white vehicle for these oppressed black women to be courageous and let them have their say?  It’s a freakin movie, and one, FOR ONCE, that’s appealing to both white AND black audiences!!!  Name another movie that is… that isn’t a crummy Eddie Murphy movie!!!????

Maybe The Help is lame, and we’re juss over-loving it cause it’s a summer Hollywood movie without any superheroes, and we’re beyond sick of summer superheroes.  Or maybe it’s not lame cause The Help has super heroes, but the only special powers they use are kindness, caring and compassion!!!!  (this review is starting to sound as sappy as the movie is, but WHO CARES!????).  Maybe The Help works cause Julia Roberts isn’t in it?  Maybe cause it juss looks great and feels right?  Maybe cause peeps like Bryce Dallas Howard, Jessica Chastain, Allison Janney, Cicely Tyson and Sissy Spacek are supporting acting the sh#t outta it?????  Maybe the movie is juss a great fracking movie, with tenderness, laughter and has pie AND fried chicken in every 5th scene????? MAYBE!!!

Maybe we need help, but maybe you need to see The Help

Help Wanted:  here’s someone we’d like to see in a French maid outfit – former James Franco flame…

Ahna O’Reilly

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Help helps itself to a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Graduating On Time
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG13 | 130 min

before we tackle 7.2, lets look back on what we said about 1 thru 7.1, in which we barely remember a thing about any of them.  cause lets be honest, these stories are pretty much one long continuous cliffhanger for one final ‘epic’ showdown (MORE LIKE SLOWDOWN) with Voldemort, or something!!!

Sorcerer’s Stone & Chamber of Secrets – Chris Columbus was king of the poo/boo/snoozefests to the Zth degree

Prisoner of Azkaban – the greatest third movie ever

Goblet of Fire - admirably carries the torch with badder baddies, diggty dragons, tentacled mermaids, tentacled trees, and the seeds of young love

Order of the Phoenix – Yer not going to be amazed, but yer not gonna walk away disappointed neither.  I don’t think anyone’s cryin that the quidditch season got canceled this go around

The Half-Blood Prince - Harry Potter’s 6th cinematic adventure feels more like a real movie and less like a, well, Harry Potter movie.  Hammazin how a few pubes make everything a lot more interesting

Deathly Hallows: Part 1 - The Deathly Hallows is deathly awesomes!!!!

OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so what about 7.2??  Feels rushed (all 8 of them did), but that’s better than it feeling slow (none of them were), but STILL, it was a very very very very very very very satisfying ending to set of movies that was always pointing towards a big ending, even if it took forever to get there (in a non-slow way, but 8 movies is a lot of movies!)

but this is the way you go out.  no one wants 283838 false endings like in LOTR III or juss being awful in general like Star Wars III, or feeling unmade like Leonard Part III.  we want closure and closure is what Potter 7.2 did.  CASE CLOSURED!!!!!

Also, it was well shot, with like nice camera angles and lighting and thingies!!!!  Yeah David Yates!!!

Also, Voldemort had a cinematic purpose for once!

Also, we love it when Hogwarts gets its a$$ kicked, cause school is boring!!!

Also, the movie was kinda scary (those banking goblins were creep-a-rooni)!!!

Also, Professor McGonagall’s breaking out her wand was ALMOS cooler than when fake digital Yoda broke out his lightsaber (or when Yaddle whipped out her dick)!!

Also, the #1 actor in our hearts (Ciarán Hinds) was in it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, there was a WET-ish T-SHIRT CONTEST (too bad Hermione has zero boobs)!!!

And although we’ve poo-pooed on Chris Columbo’s name left and right, for making the first 2 movies berry vanilla, he does get credit for casting Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint, and somehow they magically grew into decent actors, great kids, and our pals 4life!!!!!!

still can’t believe that Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy are really twin brothers, Dumbledore is Dudley Dursley’s father, the entire Weasley family dyes their hair, Moaning Myrtle is actually less moany than her mother Moaning Mona, and that Rita Skeeter give sloppy hand jobs!!!!  SO MANY REVELATIONS!!!!

Never5get: when ‘they’ made Hermione’s boobs bigger

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Potter 7.2 is a movie you’ve already seen if you’ve seen Potters 1 – 7.1, so you don’t even need to know where it’s playing

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Tabloid
Re: Joyce & Shout!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 88 min

Errol Morris is incapable of making uninteresting documentaries.  Yeah for us!!  He’s incapable cause his subjects, ranging from the wrongly accused, the wrongly abused, men of war, men of death, and even those who run pet cemeteries, are the very definition of interesting.  Add whatever Joyce McKinney is to that list.  And maybe even add her to the top of it.  Her sordid tale(s) may not be as important as the others that Morris has chronicled, but his Tabloid may certainly be his most memorable, simply because Joyce is a natural born storyteller, even if a over-embelishing one, and just one giant treasure chest of entertainment… who happens to have a giant chest… and smile!

So, who eggzactly is Joyce McKinney?  To tell you anything about her would truly ruin the fun. 9REALS!!!  She doesn’t have a wiki entry, but the news she caused back in the late 70s does [click if you must].  And it’s not even juss that event and aftermath that makes up Tabloid.  There’s another one that puts Joyce back into the trashy news limelight 30 years later, and all we’ll say is that it involves something called ‘Booger’.  So, go on and pick it, and pick this to see.  You’ll love hearing all about Joyce from Joyce (and a few others), and maybe you’ll even fall in love with her as a person, like Morris has, and us too!!!

Eclipsed By The Moon: when Joyce met Keith Moon.  why?  see the frickin doc, will ya?

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Tabloid splash pages and screens in limited release tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Project Nim
The Linking Miss
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 93 min

When humans monkey around with monkey bidness, with aims for human bidness, the results aren’t always fair and kind to the chimps.  You saw what happened when they tried to teach them simians flying tricks in Project X, right?  Well whatta ya think happens to lil Nim (Chimpsky) in his eponymous project, which also doubles as the name of this sad, often times frightening, and all around fantastic documentary by James Marsh (Man On Wire)?  Don’t worry, Nim doesn’t get gassed with radiation poising, but his life aint all a bowl of bananas either

Back in the groovy 70s, Columbia University professor Herbert Terrace wanted to see if our chimpanzee cousins had the same capacity for language that we have… cept they’re incapable of actual speech, so ASL would be the sign of these times/experiments.  In order to do so, he would take a newborn chimp from his mother and replace her with a human one.  Terrance found his subject in Nim, a Oklahoma research lab pup, and transported him into the wilds of New York’s Upper West Side.  The professor put Nim in the caring hands of one of his former students, an easy-going gal who didn’t like structure, and apparently did like breastfeeding animals (you read that correctly)

After not much progress, and a little too much non-monkey bidness (Nim drinks beer and smokes pot!), Terrace changes Nim’s surroundings, and continued to change his surrogate mothers, with even younger, and hotter research assistants, who taught Nim our language with the use of his hands.  Nim indeed learned how to sign, and even put together some rudimentary sentences, but mainly for getting things that he wanted, like food, or even a little kitten… that he would start to dry hump (you also read this correctly).  As time passed, Nim grew more and more chimp-like, and for his human companions, this could prove to have very dangerous consequences to their vital organs, if he were to ever act out, and guess what, he did act out!

After about 5 years, Terrace had all the info he needed (and sadly not the results he had hoped for), and thus had no more use for Nim, so he was shipped back to Oklahoma, to basically be forgotten.  This is where all the sad weepy stuff begins.  Nim was used to the good life, where humans gave him endless amounts of attention, food and playtime, but that all went away in a flash.  Also, since he grew up without other chimps around, he had no idea how to interact with his own kind.  More like so UN-kind.  The Okie facility isn’t even the end of the road for poor lil Nim, and where it goes from there is juss a frowny and lonely existence until he died.  Chimps may not be able to speak our language, but they still have feelings.  You to do, so FEEL THIS, the best movie we’ve seen in 2011!!!

And Before There Was Nim: there was Washoe the chimp, and before her, there were Nazi talking dogs(???), and before them, there was Clever Hans, the horse that could add(????)

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Nim is a Project worth participating in, in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Midnight In Paris
Well-Oiled Chime Machine
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 100 min