The Lion, The Witch & Harold’s Wardrobe

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

quite the threesome

As mentioned in this week’s Box Office Bidness report, this installment of Harry Pothead is the greatest third movie ever, and it’s the best of the series too! Read: a Muss C. Thank gawd they kicked Chris Columbus to the curb in favor of Alfonso Cuarón. I mean, how could any movie be that amazing coming from the director of both Stepmom AND Bicentennial Man (aka Der 200 Jahre Mann in Germany). Grant it, Adventures In Babysitting is one of my all-time favs, but the name Chris Columbus is synonymous with borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring.

Anywho, enuff about him and more about Hermione “Her-money” Granger. Yep, she’s a little bit older, but not old enuff to start making outlandish sexual remarks about like some 17 and 11/12th year olds we all know and love. And anywayz, I’m more of a Ginny Weasley kinda guy meself (must be the red hair). The Hogwarts crew is supposed to be 13 in this flick, but they all have mustaches already. Ron/Rupert Grint looks and sounds like he’s 32. And Dudley Dursley has morphed into Paul Benedict/Harry Bentley from TV’s The Jefferson’s (see picture below). As for Harry/Danny Radclifffe, well, he still looks like a 7 year old, but he’s gettin’ more heteroflexible by the minute. And what’s Draco Malfoy’s story? They turned him from a brooding badie into a giant pussy. He got sucker-punched by Her-money and all he did was run away.

do you smell a body-switching movie?

As always, the rest of the cast is rounded out by some of Britain’s breast. Casting Gary Oldman as Sirius Black is one of the most inspired choices since they picked Judge Reinhold to play Fred Savage’s papa in Vice Versa. Michael Gambon is more than adequate replacing Richard Harris as the beloved Dumbledore and major big ups to my man David Thewlis (go Netflix Naked) as this year’s dead man walking/Professor of the Dark Arts. And who could forget about Robbie Coltrane, Alan Rickman, and Maggie Smith. Without that trio, these movies would fall apart.

But all the credit in the world must go to Alfonso Cuarón. He went from directing sexy threesomes in 2001’s Y tu mamá también to reviving a franchise that didn’t need reviving. He even threw in a great sequence where Her-money runs scared into Ron’s arms and then Harry joins in on the love-fest by putting his arms around her. Could Cuarón be foreshadowing to a future threesome between this bunch? No comment from me… until Her-money/Emma Watson turns 18. [Link via F.U.B.A.R.]

Harold & Maude

the Maude squad

I’m a movie fanatic, if you couldn’t tell, but it took me this long to see the classic H&M… no, not the Old Navy for hipsters. This movie f-in rocks out without any cocks out (can you say Muss C?). And thank the maker for no nudity, cause it involves an improbable love story between a 20-year-old suicide obsessed male (Bud Cort) and a septuagenarian zesty lady (Ruth Gordon), set to an amazing score by pre-Yusuf Islam, Cat Stevens. I thought Rushmore director Wes Anderson was an f-in genius, until I saw H&M and realized that he basically rips off/pays homage to director Hal Ashby’s sense and sensibility every go around (See The Royal Tenenbaums for a perfect example of his Ashbyesque ways). I won’t say much more other than Bud Cort wears some of the flyest jackets ever and has one of the most peculiar faces known to man. And a very special mention has go to go out to Harold’s pestering mother, played to purrrfection by an actress with one of the coolest names ever: Vivian Pickles.

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