you know the drill – 2015 was all Kylie and Kylo and Kenny G, and 2016 is gonna be KKK free.  How do we know?  We juss do.  Anywho, The Washington Post does a list thing, and so do we, cause old habits fry lard…

OUT	IN
Kristaps Porzingis –	Please Stop Bazinga –
The Dress is Black & Blue –	The Chest is Peach & Huge –
The Danish Girl –	Muffin Tops –
Grantland –	Hooverville –
–	–
‘Uptown Funk’ –	Downtown Gunk –
Robert Durst’s twitches –	Fred Durst’s Twitch –
Who Are Rey’s Parents? –	Hugh Flung Pu –
David Keith –	Keith David –
Deflategate –	Inflategate –
Brian Williams’ Lies –	Brian Williams’ Thighs –
‘Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)’ –	Watch Me Eat Miracle Whip Mayonnaise –
American Pharoah –	Hong Kongese Jermajesty –
Go Set a Watchman –	Go Get A Watchman –
the new Hamburglar –	the old Professor –
Ashley Madison Cheats –	Mashley Adison Beats –
Lifehacks –	Freejack –
Apple Watch –	Lemon Clock –
Chappie Chanukah –	Johnny 5 de Mayo –
Donald Trump –	Tronald Dump –
Pizza Rat –	Sushi Cat –
El Chapo –	El Guapo –
Gigi Hadid –	Gigi Hadon’t –
Snapchat –	Nap Hat –
The Confederate Flag –	‘Confederate Fag‘ –
Coloring Books for Adults –	The Complete Idiot’s Guide for Dummies –
Black Lives Matter –	The Black (Neil) Diamond Lives –

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and here’s what was In Oder Aus in the ’006, the ’007, the ’008, the ’009, the ‘010, the ‘011, the ‘012, the ‘013, the ‘014, the ‘015

a long time ago, in a thighmaster family vehicle far far lame – we had an 8-track player, and we had the The Story of Star Wars 8-track, and it was awesome!!!

LISTEN!!!!!!!!!

boob tube groove tube tube tube loob… aka, here’s the best in TV, 2015

1. Restaurant Startup (CNBC)

It’s like Shark Tank, but less annoying, and more evil, and more awesome, and food!!!!!!!!!!!!  Show was so fcuking good that I refused to watch the last episode of the 2nd season until about 3 months later, cause I couldn’t deal with the fact that season was over and that there were no new episodes to watch.  My new biggest fear in life is being insulted and yelled at by Tim Love and Joe Bastianich

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2. The Jinx (HBO)

More like the BLINX, amirite???!!!  What’s truly amazing is that the director of this HBO docuseries actually made a fictionalized version of this story and it kinda wasn’t that interesting, and so he takes it and makes a longform doc out of it and it not only shocks and freaks out a (pay cable) nation, but actually does real life truth, justice – the American way!!! 

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3. The Knick (Cinemax)

Granite – I only saw season 1 (which was from 2014), but this is the single greatest thing Cinemax has ever given the world.  Yes, even more betterer than soft-core porn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I want to live in the Knick world, even though it looks like the wurstest world eversz

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4. Arranged (FYI)

Arranged marriages apparently still exist – and not just for Indian couples.  FYI strikes love gold again (after Married At First Sight – our pick for best show of 2014) – following three couples in newly arranged marriages.  Yes, one of the couples is Indian, but the other Southern, and the other other Gypsy pups under 20 years of age!  You won’t get a better slice of American life than this.  And oh boy, that Gypsy couple – Christian and Maria – AND his parents – Michael and Nina – are simply the BEST BEST BEST BEST.  I pray for a spinoff for the Gypsy clan.  PLEASSSSSSSSSSSE!

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5. Hanninbal (NBC)

It’s either AS amazing as Silence of the Lambs the movie was or perhaps even better.  I mean, you saw that scene where they saw that dude’s head, right??? And that series finale ending, WHAT A CLIFFHANGER!!!

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6. Gotham (Fox)

The world of Batman cannot be confined to the limits of cinema – and it has flourished in the longform of television with Gotham, which got even stronger in season 2.  The bad guys are even badder, and whoever’s casting these kids in these roles should be given the key to the city of Gotham, and have a street named after them, and stuff!!!  OMG, don’t even get me started on how super dope fly Silver St. Cloud is (and how way too young the actress who plays her is)

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7. Behind The Screams (Reelz)

I love movies.  I love serial killers (learning about them, not them themselves) and real-life scary sh!t.  I LOVE movies about serial killers and real life scary sh!t.  Reelz made a show that looks at the real-life stories that inspired big time scary movies – like Psycho, The Exorcist, It, and Silence of the Lambs, to name a few.  Sometimes the movies are tamer than the real life stuff!!!!!!!

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8. Halt and Catch Fire (AMC)

CTRL + ALT + DEL-ICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+ anything starring Lee Pace is beyond watchable

Especially <3 Kerry Bishé!!!

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9. Kendra On Top (WE tv)

You’d think a reality show about an ex-Playboy bunny and ex-NFLer couple with martial strife wouldn’t be something deep and meaningful, but you’re thinking would completely wrong.  Kendra On Top is all about family, and the roses and warts that comes along with it.  I’ve been with Kendra since the Girls Next Door days, and what was once fun fluff, is now fun tough stuff

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10. The Americans (FX)

Those wigs + Keri Russell’s butt = RED SCARES AND APPOINTING SPEWING!!!!!!!!!

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11. The Last Man Earth (Fox)

What would you do if you were the last man on earth?  And what would Will Forte do if he was the last man on earth?  Luckily this show answers the second question, WITH ENDLESS HILARITY AND GUT-PUNCHING CRINCHING GRINNING!!!

(this ranking is for season 1 only, as 2 aint as novel and hilarious and imaginative as season 1 is/was)

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12. Real World: Skeletons (MTV)

https://www.instagram.com/p/yHevfnm34Y/

Somehow Real World won’t quit, and as humanity gets worse, so do the Real World roomies, which juss makes it all that much more entertaining.  PLUS, there was a great script flip here – skeletons from these people’s past come to live with the housemates, with often and VERY often horrible results!!! PLUS, the girl from New York’s accent, and how she says ‘garbage’ – ‘GAVAGE’

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other solid forms of entertainments: 

Mad Men - can’t believe they didn’t divide the final season and air it over 5 years (instead of 2).  was actually sad to see it go, even though it felt like it was getting meh towards the end, but it really wasn’t meh at all

Married At First Sight: The First Year – the more Doug and Jamie and Courtney and Jason in my life, the better

Married At First Sight 2 – didn’t work out for our new set of couples, but it worked out entertainmentwise

Veep - Jonah and Richard = endless gold

Finding Carter - teens make dumb choices, and I can’t stop watching, but I hope teens aren’t watching 

Drunk History - hopefully there will NEVER be a last call on these

Supergirl - screw all the other super heroes.  I mean, I want to screw Supergirl.  bonus pts for making her stepmom Helen Slater and her stepdad Dean Cain!!!

Tyrant - I want this guy to dictate me

Bates Motel – things get more uncomfortable and more out of control.  it’s only a matter of time before Norman does in his mother and becomes her

Fargo  - the accents are getting old, the action aint

A Very Barry Branson – long live Greg Brady and his enthusiasm and cheesiness.  never stop being you!

Homeland - Miranda Otto = hotttt-o

Modern Family - the kids are getting older, and more sexual.  it’s both unsettling, and HOTTT

House of Cards – this guy juss looks like such a jackass

The Affair - caught season 1.  so steamy I had to take 23949249 cold showers, and beat off in the cold showers

Louie - Civil War hero

Vice – I prefer the US stories, like the one about Alabama and their dumb racism backfiring 

Black-ish - growing less and less funny, but still worth a watch

Fresh Off The Boat - it’s more yellow than blackish, and better

Shameless - when will it end?  please let it end.  it’s too hard to bear anymore

Better Call Saul - only saw a few episodes, which I loved, and when I wanted to watch the rest – they were off of on-demand.  bastards!!!

Younger - an impossible premise, but I couldn’t care less, cause it’s so dang enjoyable

Game of Thrones - I don’t really care, but juss wanna be like everyone else, and know what everyone else is talking about

Mistresses - so bad it’s… bad!

Maron - losing its funny, but not me as a watcher

The Grinder – who doesn’t love seeing Fred Savage back on a television!!!???!?!

Under The Dome - thank gawd it’s over.  it jumped more sharks that Lost ever did, and actually makes Lost‘s endgame look less lost

Girls – still sucks, but thanks for Kylo Ren!

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+ bone-yes moments

that True Detective eyes wide sluts orgy

remember Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future????????

The faces behind the Peanuts voices

the existence of MeTV, and how it gave me the will to live and love The Brady Bunch again

https://www.instagram.com/p/6gdZUkm35v/

the theme from The Jinx

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4Qp1TEKswQ

Supergirl is supercute

Berle & Batman

I went on TV on opening day and basically Nostradamusly said the Nats would fail

Addams Family Hopefuls – Photos From The Auditions

saying so long to the lusty slutty naughty Flowers In The Attic Lifetime movies

The Monty Hall Smokin-Stokin’ Fire Brigade

that fat redheaded kid on True Detective

any Hallmark Christmas movie starring Alicia Witt

the surprisingly seriousness of A Deadly Adoption

https://vine.co/v/OFIpz3ApA7O

Tony Kornheiser on The Americans!!!!

Kev’s brother on Derek (another winning show from Ricky G)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=clRmIhuafYg

Knitters With Attitude!!!!

Shaq and his Shaquila (Shaq Tequila) from Fresh Off The Boat

and

SNL40: In Memoriam

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my favorite TV performance of 2015…

anyone who pretended to be an actor on an 90s sitcom OR something by Aaron Spelling

–

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a fond farewell to those who boldly went where no man or woman or character has gone before.  you will be missed

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adiós Don Francisco‘s Sábado Gigante

Bob Schieffer faced the nation one final time

Jon Stewart says goodnight to The Daily Show

Willard Scott leaves Your Neck of The Woods

&

Dave Letterman goes out with a letter A, man

&

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perv-iously ’14 ’13 ’12 ’11 ’10 ’09 ’07

Joy
Mop & Glowing
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 124 min

The Silver Linings Playbook/American Hustle crew is back!  And possibly better than ever!! David O Russell and Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper bring the JOY and the pain in what has got to be the greatest movie that has something to do with a mop and/or QVC – Joy 

Joy is prideful, and joyful, and funny, and mildly melancholy, and 300% fun.  You know the movie is super super dope when it utilizes Robert De Niro talent (in this day and age) and instead of stupefying it.  And you know I aint no J-Law fan, but I love J-Law in this, and thus I love this movie!!

And the story is all true-ish!!!

Joy Mangano is an inventor.  She invented the Miracle Mop

At one point in time, there was no Miracle Mop, and Ms Mangano needed a miracle to support her children, and her ex-husband, and her wacky mother, and her twice-divorced father.  The mop changed everything and this movie is about getting that mop to market and the struggles to get there.  A total underdog story, that you’ll be rooting for from the get go.  Go Joy! Go Joy! Go!!!!!!!!  

Wait, they made a whole movie about a woman who invented a mop?  Well, it’s more than juss that.  It’s about ideas, and family, and things and stuff.  And what a family!!  You couldn’t ask for a more fun and willing bunch of family folks helping her along - Isabella Rossellini, Édgar Ramírez, Elisabeth Röhm, Diane Ladd, Virginia Madsen and the Gadsby twins.  Loved them all.  Makes me wish I was a member of her family so I could hug these people!!!

And the QVC stuff was super cool.  You get to see what it looked like at the beginningish, and things, and stuff, and I think it’s juss so super super super cool and honorable that Melissa Rivers played her mom Joan Rivers, and how eerily alike they look

Did we mention that this movie was 300% fun?  You like fun, right?

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Joy to the world – everywhere on Xmas day

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

    

bless you Jacqueline Bisset and water and t-shirts and the combo of all three

+ Star Wars Flashback: When No Theater Wanted to Show the Movie in 1977 (and wanted to show wet t-shirts instead!)